how much is YOUR local paper?
After more than 3 years of painstaking research, I have finally completed a database detailing the price of every local newspaper in the UK. Will swap for a copy of the Koran and an Islamic prayer mat.
diCrazyMan
dcm@sh.com
United Kingdom - 19/7/04
clean start
I will lay waste to any suberb or district of any major city...or if you are concerned with rural affairs a blight famine or flood can be arranged..even an epidemic you name it we got it....no charge
el diabalo
el@hell.com
British Indian Ocean Ter - 19/7/04
Virginity for sale
i am willing to trade my male hymen for a decent curry recipe no whites
OC
david@djdesign.com.au
Australia - 18/7/04
SOCCERHOOLIGAN.COM
I'm willing to sell my username,password,4000 posts and respect of every other member of the board for £25 or a decent mobile (not on the 3 network). If you want to be an instant hooligan now's your chance. Jog on,eh.
Retired Andy
gods_comic@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 18/7/04
will do my best to bring peace to the middle east
for the modest price of 200 NIS (about 30 GBP) I will do my best to do what no hard headed politician managed or wanted to achive over the past 50 years. your money will be well spent ,as the son of a highly ranked Knesst(israeli parlament) worker i have a acsess to the buliding and more important acsess and the will to annoy any israeli politician and try to convince him to solve this endless dispute. no time wasteres please this is serios. "war is over if you " want to pay me.
Yaron
thecrazyisraeli@hotmail.com
Israel - 18/7/04
Make you a Rollie (cig)
yeh! for a mear 50p (inc pnp) ill send you a rollie, made with the finest tobacco money can buy. you specify the paper type/make and i will roll it, post it and it will be with you (still as fresh as it would be when made).
SlurpyJ
slurpyjoe@lycos.co.uk
United Kingdom - 18/7/04
sell your product
I will advertise your product on the pages of a small but influential anti-work magazine for £500 a page
Tom Hodgkinson
tom@idler.co.uk
United Kingdom - 18/7/04
I'll Make A Documentary About You
I'll follow you around with a camcorder for a couple of days, and once I've enough material I'll edit it together (badly), and add a patronising northern voice over. Then in years to come you'll be able to claim you were once the subject of a documentary. Albeit probably not a very good one. Price: £1000.
Alex
noemail
United Kingdom - 18/7/04
Scrubbers - be advised..
For nothing other than my own fucked up gratification (and travel and accomodation expenses if outside Bristol, Montpelier) I will enter your life as your sister's new boyfriend, before proceeding for as long as it takes to invade your personal space, and make lewd and suggestive remarks designed to humiliate your husband. I will carry out my patented bullying techniques on him using you as bait. If he dares to complain I'll of course beat the shit out of him; but usually he'll be so upset and screwed up by your continued acceptance of my behaviour (you must proclaim that you only put up with it because I'm your sister's bloke..that'll really let him know how important he is) that he'll throw in the towel, leaving you the house and everything in it!
TrailertrashTrevor
trailertrashtrevor@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 18/7/04
I will sit in my room and do nothing............
I will sit in my room and do nothing except eat cookies and watch t.v. for £2k an hour
Robert Goldie
rabgee@largo.wanadoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 18/7/04
FREE MELON INSPECTION
I will personaly inspect your melons and judge their size and shape FOR FREE! I am particularly interested in comparing US and European melons - I am convinced there is a shape difference that the authorities are keeping from us.
Dave Sandblast
dave@sandblast.net
United Kingdom - 18/7/04
What id do for $1.
I will cut my penis off for $1. and replace it with a garden hose. holla back at ya nigga
jason crushlov
jj-jetplane@homos.com
United Kingdom - 18/7/04
Juvenile Graffiti
I will draw cartoon dicks on pictures of your favourite sportsmen, monarchs, politicians or religious figures. If you prefer I can endow them with breasts, faeces, power tools, or whatever. Any kind of juvenile graffiti you like, rendered artistically with a biro and tippex. Price: what have you got?
Frank Piss
frank_piss@hotmail.com
Australia - 18/7/04
Get out of Jail free card
Compatible with all UK Monopoly boards (American monopoly is like American English - A load of fucksticks)... find yourself on the wrong side of the law? Been sleeping with the Sheriffs mother? Got caught with you fingers in too many pie-munching fat women? well heres your only chance for freedom. WARNING THIS WILL NOT WORK WITH "THE GAME OF LIFE" OR "GO FOR BROKE"... Will accept all types of payment, prefering porn.
Hob
Hob@Nob.xdc
United Kingdom - 18/7/04
vi gret niks
um whent te speeeeeel chuccer, squap fir me 'dislexica enclypodia 1985 ed'
ben
totalcunt@cuntonline.cunt.uk
United Kingdom - 18/7/04
Rainfall guaranteed - any quantity you desire!
Absolutely guaranteed rain, where you desire it, when you want it, in the quantity specified by you. I have recently discovered an uncanny but lucrative talent that I am willing to share with the world. You now have it within your reach to never again: water your lawn, refill your pool, be awakened by your next-door neighbour cutting the lawn at 7:am on a weekend, or attend a distant familial relation's outdoor clog-dancing recital. For only a hot vegetarian meal and a home-spun tie-dyed sarong, plus travelling expenses. Will perform rain-calling ceremony on stilts for an extra tenner. Requisite for the rain-calling: a garden of any size and a watering hose. Rainfall generally occurs within 30 minutes of me watering your garden; a good soaking of 30 minutes or more usually results in a thundering storm, whereas a light spray brings a brief watering followed by rainbows. CAVEAT: If rainfall does not occur within 30 minutes, the guarantee is instantly voided, and I'll already be off with a full tummy and my new sarong anyway. Look on the bright side, you'll have got to meet me, which is alone worth more than my fee.
Shannon
toesintheocean@hotmail.com
Canada - 17/7/04
Get a digital grip
these guys need their nuts squeezing and I am your man - shame they (and you) don't get this until its too late. All you sorry indie apologists out there will be shamed - as you deserve , and I just wish i didn't have to bother right now. My price - who cares any more?
A Trojan Indie Music Specialist
pinnacle@vital-srd.crap.uk
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
Garden watching
Will sit in your garden and scare the moles off for a couple of pints of cider.
Plucker
plucker@btinternet.com
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
Personal Electro pop Performance
For the price of £50 (plus travel expenses), popular struggling electro panel music band Trademark, will learn and cover a song of your choice (anything from a song you have written to a famous song)and then perform their version to yourself or any number of chosen guests at a location of your choice. For more information on us see www.trademark-online.co.uk This offer does not include our own material!
Trademark
youwhores@trademark-online.co.uk
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
dictators beware!
hate your job?fed up with your boss pushing you around? think you can do a better job than him? powerless to do anything about it? if you answered yes to all then your problem is solved! for preferential trading with your company, me and me mate big george (know him? small bloke) will send our heavies to your work place, destroy large parts of it and a few of your co-workers (co-latteral damage im afraid)and institute a regime change by capturing or killing your boss for some reason we'll make up when the time is right. even if you dont want us to we'll do it anyway! ps vote labour
Tony B
georgesterrier@number10.com
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
ill cut my finger off
ok for £2.50 ill cut 1 finger off....wait let me think.....ok not my index i need that for pointing and screaming at the wound where i just cut my finger off.....not my middle i use that a lot...ok you have a choice between my pinkie or my rim???? anyone???? dammit i needed that £2.50 to get home....:(
Jake
jakemacm@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
Cheese Breville Maker
We have a Cheese Breville Maker for sale. It's got a bit of old cheese in it aswell. We can't be bothered cleaning it. £5 to good home.
Elizabeth Gorman
e.gorman580@ntlworld.com
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
give up the ability to see - £100
For 100 pounds I will give up the ability to see, words and images will no longer effect me I will spend the rest of my life oblivious to the world around me.However although I will no longer be able to see I will still retain my ability to look.
antony
antony.jones53@ntlworld.com
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
Interview with Harrison Ford
I would like you to look at this for the cost of three minutes of your life. www.20six.co.uk/IanYes
Paul
paul@thedale.com
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
light up, light up
For the first time your actually going to want your lighter to run out of fluid, the less lighter fluid you have, the more you see of the sexy lady behind it. the bidding starts at $15
Dan
dc09fg@gettaefuckyabam.be
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
What's the big idea?
Furthermore, I'll tell you what my big idea is for a million quid.
?
hmmm@iwonderwhathesthinking.com
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
What is he thinking?
I'll tell you what I'm thinking for a grand.
?
hmmm@iwonderwhathesthinking.com
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
Share stolen wealth
For $20,000 I will share 20% of a sum of $14 million dollars, trapped in a Nigerian bank account since the fall of the Abacha regime. Travel to Abidjan may be required. I may be forced to beat you and take your luggage at the airport. Thank you, and may god bless your family.
Prince
prince@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
I will do nothing for everything
Watch me do nothing. It'll cost ya.
Madam
helpalady@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
Kill almost everyone
For the price of your blind faith, busy bodying, and the act of sending your friends to coventry in the most childish and hypocritical way, I will kill almost all of the rest of humanity and elevate you to an everlasting paradise where it is nice and clean and there is no shit. And shit. Lots of love A CUNT
Jah Hovis
Jehova@yourdoorstep.com
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
Freudian hacking service
For 100 of your British pounds I will hack into a website and insert a hilarious freudian typo. Example @ http://www.bnpscotland.org/booklist/book.asp?ID=86
ebola carbunkle
turnthemtostone@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
Hate your job? Stressed out at work?
For the price of a few drinks I will ensure that you get completely pissed at lunchtime and then take you back to your place of work and play up & egg you on until you get sacked. You could do this on your own, but if I'm there I'll make sure that the police get involved and will not rest until I have completely destoyed your career...thus removing all work related stress and adding a further 20, happier, years to your life. I'm not a charity though, so don't take the piss.
oohbadboy
oohbadboy@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
Destruction of Credibility & Reputation
For £25.00 I will make threatening telephone calls to anybody of your choosing, and then make outrageous demands for settlement of fictitious debts. I will pose as enraged gangsters, debt collection agencies or the CSA and will ring on an hourly basis to demand payment. Through persistent harrassment I will damage reputations, plant seeds of doubt in the minds of those close to the intended victim and induce never-ending anxiety & despair. For an additional £15.00 I will also ring up businesses and customers and inform them not to deal with the victim because they are dishonest and fraudulent. If I really like what you're trying to do I'll waive all fees & just do it for fun.
oohbadboy
oohbadboy@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
Ice cream! Ice cream!
Name your price. I'm willing to lick ice cream off the body of a gorgeous stipper.
Nukes
pmcallister@digitalme.com
Canada - 16/7/04
Stroll past the line up and into the VIP
Ever wondered who that self important dude that rolls up straight to the door of the Club and goes straight in is? Yer well that's me. Going straight into the VIP. Now it can be you too. Offer is available in Most major cities including London, UK; Toronto, Canada; New York, USA; Cannes, France; LA as well as lesser cities. If you want to hang with the Glitterati and find out if there really is sex in the champagne room then drop me a line. Prices are negotiable depending on the City and the duration of time you wanna party for, but would range from $75-$250 per night or the equivalent in local currency. Like to party so I will travel. Also I will introduce you to people so you won't need me to get you in the club next time you wanna go there.I will also introduce you to a bevvy of beauties. All serious enquiries will be answered and photographs available on request.
Crazy Hook Ups
arthurbrock498@hotmail.com
Canada - 16/7/04
A free, junkyard society
if we stop production/ and get a new economy and play more/ trading file shares/ and live like a junkie coz they got nothin on us if we refuse in refuse
zombie gluesniffer
zombiegluesniffer@yahoo.com.au
United States of America - 16/7/04
Corporate Flights £50 per hour
Desperate airline qualified pilots with massive debts seeking employment. Fly anywhere at your convenience. No safety regulations adhered to, battered fleet, heavy landings and guaranteed danger levels.
Ostrich Flight
ostrichflight@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
NOW - A new CD, by now
This is an advertisment for the new CD by the London group NOW. It has 11 tracks on it. Their so called 'music' is to be heard at www.nowtheband.com, theres also information about & descriptions of this group on that website. You can have it for a fiver, sent to 2e Oslo House, West Wing, 20 Felstead Street, London, E95LT.
Justin Paton
now_news@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Johnny Magic Pants
I'll cheer you up mate. This old life game is a troublesome laugh innit? Isn't it? There are thousands of men like you who wank too much, play too many games, should go to the gym more, be more successful, lack moral fibre and decency. Luckily, I'm tanned, 6' 3", pretty wealthy, have a great life and many girlfriends and can send you photos and/or webcam of my ace life for £300 a day.
Paul
paul@thedale.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Happy With Your Life? - Quit Now!
For the one time price of a small glass of single malt (or a boob flash if you're a hot babe), I will come over to yours and depress the sh** out of you. Kiss your cheery, optimistic arse good-bye. I'm an expert, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. I depressed a rasta in the Caribbean once.
Androol
excessivedepressive@me.com
Canada - 16/7/04
FREE - Need a Friend?
Stop being such a twat.
Aaron
dontbother@nowhere.com
Canada - 16/7/04
Excess Bacon Removal
For $30 (Canadian is fine)/hr. I will eat all of your excess bacon. Fried crispy please! Nothing kinky...I just love bacon.
Aaron
porkyfat@greasy.com
Canada - 16/7/04
Digital Photos £5
I'm a 25 year old. When I was young I climbed a tree and the branch snapped. I fell and landed on my back. The bastard branch came down and landed on my knob. (Didn't really hurt cause it missed both the lads.) My knob has a very slight twist on it now, but only when I'm on a boner. I'm willing to take a photo of this before and during boner. I'll email it to you for fiver. High quality digial photos. No Red pubes. Black (honest). Come on ladies it's only a fiver. If that's too much make me an offer I can't refuse. (ie 4 quid)
Mick
Mickskelly@hotmail.com
Ireland - 16/7/04
Have my Meat
Since being on the Atkins diet I have found I've got a lump of meat with nothing to do (someone said it had always been there but I just couldn't see it). So for a cheese sarnie it's yours!
PieMan
MacD@hommms.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Allergic to dogs & cats but still love them?
I will ignore you FREE SERVICE! For absolutely no charge, I will COMPLETELY ignore you. Just as if you didn't exist. Dave Clambake daveclambake@yahoo.com United Kingdom - 02/07/04
Jakey
jakey@jakey.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony... But it'll cost you... big.
jimothy
jimbo@Hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Guided tours of Charring Cross public conviencies
For the price of a can of White Lightening I can show you the best of Charring Crosses Toilets. I'll be wearing a red carnation outside the station at 5:15 today
Pie man
MacD@dripping.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Pay back
For all of my, somewhat abusive, previous notices, I will make it up to you by telling you a bit about myself: I come from a fairly privileged background (middle class, public school etc.); I'm not very good at pulling girls (never have been); I've only ever had mediocre (to crap) sex; I work in retail (despite having a degree in graphic design); I play Play station on my own; I watch to much T.V. and I wank on the train into work in the morning (every morning!). That's why I'm so biggoted and sexually frustrated.
jonnymagicpants
jonnymagicpants@msn.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Desertion Service
Do you have a motivated team of hard working engineers? Then you need deserter! I will join your company and pretend to be a real team player, then for a pathetic salary increase and the promise of a swanky job title I will desert you with little or no notice!
Quitter
SoonUnderTheThumb@home.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Allergic to dogs & cats but still love them?
Fear not pet lovers help is at hand... If you love cats and dogs but cannot bear to near the filthy creatures because of allergies, phobias or just plain old misanthropy I can help you. For £250 per day I will come round your place and take on all cat/dog pet duties. For this amazingly low fee I will sit in your favourite chair, moult everywhere, eat like there is no tomorrow, run off when we go for walks, hide from strangers, growl at the postman, piss/shit in inappropriate places/times, display signs of all maladies yet be disease/ailment free when we visit the vet and hide under the bed when you go on holiday. For those of you denied the pleasure of pet ownership through no fault of your own I urge to take advantage of this fantastic summertime offer...but remember pet owners - you must not kill your pooch with kindness, financial rewards are the only true way show your love. Don't delay, act TODAY.
oohbadboy
oohbadboy@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Camera for Sale
Cannon Eos 300 SLR camera for sale.Boxed as new+extra 50-300mm USM zoom lens.genuine reason for sale, the twig man that lives in the lens says that he will rip my throat out with his peg teeth, so upgrading to digital. Offers considered
toby Bartlett
Tbartlett@camerasagogo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Lesbos!!!!!!!
For all the ladies that call themselfs lesbians, who prefer the taste of a minge to a throbing cock then my service is for you! For the price of 69p i will come your you house and cure you of this disease, i will thrust steadly into you and make you normal again so you can face society with your head held high! i also offer a 2 for one offer, if you have a girlfiend that also would like to be cured i will do it at no extra charge! I also offer this service to the homosexuality community, i would happily come and beat you straight! Thank you for reading!!!
Jonnymagicpants
jonnymagicpants@msn.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
I would like to buy your company
For -£200,000.00, I will buy your company, destroy the morale of your troops, remove their pension rights and market to buggery the fantastic work they have achieved over 18 months in coming up with novel, structured and well thought out technical solution in the Mobile EMail Market. In return I offer shares in nothing. Yours. A FAT AMERICAN B@STARD.
Nasty American Venture Capitalist
IWILLSCREWU@VC.COM
United States of America - 16/7/04
Hair for sale.
Get yourself a bag of my hair and beard clippings, only £1000 per bag. Well worth it as it only gets done 4 times a year, and is getting rarer each time.
Mr Death.
beardy1971@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Swab Your Poop Deck
Hello Sailors , Fancy a good keelhauling. For a mere 12 of your salty pounds or a swift pressgang I shall roger the cabin boy, splice ye olde mainbrace or walk your plank. Brown nosing tight shorted gentlemen a speciality. Avast!!
Lord Jimmy Fontulroy
noemail
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Klingon Disposal
Have you reached the autumn of your life? Are your pubic hairs down to your knee caps? Do you have problems controlling you motions? If you answered yes, yes, yes then your friendly neighbourhood clingon cruncher can be yours for just 9.99 (charged per hole cleaned). This is a completly unisex service and I will provide my own toothpicks. The Lick and Nibble + Scratch and Sniff services are charged seperatly.
DeepSeaDiver
GravyIsBetter@Bisto.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Shopper Punching
Ever walked aimlessly around your local supermarket, slowly realising how worthless your life is whilst putting brightly coloured packets into your substandard trolley and getting frustratingly held up by old women and single parents with screaming kids? Wish you could just stop and kick the holiest of crap out of them in a fit in repressed psychotic rage? Call me and I will follow you whilst you shop, dispensing steel toed justice to all and sundry. £10 per soul crushed, no refunds.
The Oil Baron
damnrightfunky@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Post
For free I will post increasingly aimless postings upon your message board. These will mascarade as offers but are in fact direct quotes from 80s TV shows as diverse as the equaliser, the A Team, Manimal and Diffrent Strokes. This will predominantly be done during quiet moments at work (of which there are many) because I have a job that doesn't challenge me. Or for 2 and 6 I'll give you a nosh.
themadfrapper
themadfrapper@themadfrapper.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Trade Money For Time
What is more precious in this mortal world than time? For the sum of £25'000 I will sit at a computer eight hours day for a year in a location of your choosing answering emails and phonecalls. You may pay me in twelve monthly installments.
Ova Werkt
sailingdiscovery@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
www.laurahird.com
For £10,000 I will start paying people whose review, stories and poetry I feature on my website. I will also speak of the person who gives me the £10,000 fondly on the website's homepage.
Laura
hirdlaura@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Take out your family
I would take out your whole family for £1 per person. Good offer?
James Bonb
jamesbond@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Worm Eggs
For £1 I can sell you a freshly harvested worm egg from a live worm (they die shortly after harvesting due to being cut in half). Comes complete with birth certificate and family tree.
Shugga
shugga1000@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
I will fart in ur mouth for £8
hi am a willing young lad who will love to fart in ur mouth if u want me to shit in ur cake hole as well it will be £20 thanks for reading this please feel free to email me at any time:) reguards as this is a fetish of mine sincerely Dave
dave
slipknot_ skater _666@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Chaffinch Challenge
For a small nominal fee i am willing to challenge any Chaffinch to a no-holds-barred punching competition! May the best man win!!!!
Marco Ferrari
fmarco9@aol.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Things that are lovely
i will write you a letter once a week about everything i have seen the week before that is lovely. i am very good at noticing lovely things like small holes in the playgound that lead towho knows where, and trees that have grown for sucj a long time that in between their cracks there are small gravestones hidden
gems
iph_genia@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Visit Relatives
Do you have a work function you cannot afford to miss? Is there a girl you'd rather be fucking? For a modest £100 I will visit any comatose relative in hospital and avoid you the trip and guilt at the same time! let's face it: They can't hear you anyway!
Francesco Ruiz
bluesfr@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Slave
I will be your slave. I will do ANYTHING you demand for as long as you want. I can be at your beck and call for any whim you have. No fees payable just basic living conditions needed such as food, drink, and somewhere to sleep. Details: Male, 27, 6'2" tall, strong, intelligent, multi-skilled, interesting. This is genuine.
Christopher
ctucker22@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
I'll smoke your cigarettes for free
Tired of smoking? Give me a ring, you can watch me smoke your cigarettes all day long! All I ask in return is a hot lunch and lots of coffee.
Scott
frogjoblue@yahoo.com
United States of America - 16/7/04
Pain
I'll punch myself in the goolies for £2, or just pinch them a bit for a half pint of lager.
Martin Dore
ebabypimp@dave.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Ever seen a guy run around with a firecracker up his ass?
Thats Right friends! For only 30$* + long distance transportation fees I will allow you to insert a firecracker of your choosing and run around untill it burns out. Amuse friends, family, guests, small children, email me! *not including potential paramedic fees
Jack Mc'Clennan
jackclenn@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Liver personalisation
Ever wanted one of those flash personalised livers like rich people and toffs have? Been put off by the price? For £10 I will come round your place and stick a pencil up your arse and carefully tattoo your initials on your liver.
Martin Dore
Dore@fluffychips.co.uk
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
I'll make love to you
Like you want me to And I'll hold you tight Baby all through the night I'll make love to you When you want me to And I will not let go Till you tell me to Girl relax, let's go slow I ain't got nowhere to go I'm just gonna concentrate on you Girl are you ready, it's gonna be a long night Throw your clothes on the floor I'm gonna take my clothes off too I made plans to be with you Girl whatever you ask me you know I'll do.
Boyz 2 Men
digtbk@gmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
BIRD PUNCHING!!!
Are you having trouble with your budgies or canaries? If yes, i will gladly run the risk of personal injury and punch the living daylights out of the fuckers!!! All this for a small fee of 75p per bird!
mardo ferrari
fmarco9@aol.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Ref
I will gladly referee any football match be it on grass or indoors.My fee will be £100 for private functions and £500 for corporate events ( all £$ going to charity). In doing so my secret aim is to be picked up by a talent scout ( as my refing days are coming to an end due to age ) and host my own programme preferably at 8pm on a Saturday night. For an extra £1000 I will dress in only a jock strap ( but not on telly ).If anyone is wondering what my appearance is, Ive been told I look a bit like Freddy Mercury and Sid Little.If anyone is prepared to send me rules for other games I will gladly consider.I will also require expences for travel, and redbull for vigor. Kind regards Cliff
Cliff Phillips
clifford.phillips@btinternet.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
I'll do anything at all !!!!
For one million UK pounds I will do absolutely anything for you, with you, or to you! I obviously don't want to do anything that could see me in prison but would be yours for an act of your choice - for one night only! Buy now to avoid disappointment.
Bill
b_devey@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Recieve
I will recieve any item into my rectum for free
Edward Cheetham
echeetham@stanleycasinos.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Personal Svengali
I will mysteriously appear in your life and take the responsibility for any bad decisions you choose to make. Your family and friends will whisper "It's that damn Nigel. Willy never did things like this before." After you've had your fun, you can publically toss me from your life and declare that Mum was right about me, thusly being taken back into the family's good graces. Fee of 500£ per day, plus travel expenses and meals.
Nigel
englshtweed@aol.com
Madagascar - 16/7/04
Run of toilet paper? Let my tongue do the job instead!
Email me if you want the cleanest sphincter in the UK! Descretion guaranteed and rates very reasonable.
Dave
Soulcrewvalley@aol.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
its my birthday
i will pretend every day is my birthday and invite you to my party. We can have cake and everything
paul
paw6899@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 15/07/04
I wanna hold your haaa-aaaaannd
Man, or woman, I will hold your hand for free. No long term commitment.
DT
hands@davidturner.net
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
Blow you a kiss -£1-
It should reach you tomorrow. All kisses sent from a fugitive motel.
Viking
kisses@blacksky.co.uk
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
The Need
If you Need something new, then I can help you get one supplied to you directly overseas. The next time you gank lab a chik tock, then make sure you Need. So, with the new Hink blag a jank bing, you can tack fidge uck erat anytime you want. Order one now to avoid not ordering one.
Mr King
shiftapplee@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
Write You A Novel
For £10, I will write you a novel 10 pages long. Prices may vary depending on the number of pages required.
Doink
doinkster@wogeatwog.com
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
The Sun
for the love of it I will be an impenetrable barrier between you and the Sun, not allowing said heavenly body to 'go down on you' Having said that you will have to ensure that the Sun HAS got his hat on and IS coming out to play....
Patrick
removemefirst@hatespammers.com
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
Whistle
For £25 plus travel I will embark to your night abode and whistle the theme to Midnight Express gently in your ear, until you tell me to fuck right off.
Jason
jason@murphyjason.wanadoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
Name it.
I'm in california, I'll do anything for cash. As long as I don't die, I'm down for it. Oh, no ass sex either. Other than that, anything. I'm good for barmitzvahs and parties too.
JerBear
goldfishfrenzy@yahoo.com
United States of America - 15/7/04
Are your joints cracked and sore?
For £10 (plus travel expenses), I will bring my moisturiser and rub moisturiser lovingly into your crusty elbows and knees. Only. If you have other crusties, see your GP.
Jenna
rocksoc@st-andrews.ac.uk
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
I wish to sell a work colleague
I am sick of my work colleague Charmains' gutter mouth and filthy knickers...please take her, any which way you like, for a ten spot.
dave
belfast@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
I give hand jobs for free and pleasure
I am a struggling student with lots of student debt and I will give ham shanks to anyone willing to pay. £5 a shuffle. This is not a joke! I'm skint and confused about my sexuality.
Timmy Killough
timmy@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
Noises.
For £10 (in advance) I will attempt to synthesize any sound based on your description up to a maximum length of 10 seconds, and supply it to you in high-quality digital format. No refunds.
Nathan
Nathan@growf.org
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
My Soul
Soul for sale, little use and relativly untarnished. Reasonable offers considered, all forms and necessary signatures signed and delivered to your door (Obviously requiring P+P). Satan need not apply.
Billy
godrinkcoffe@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
Ahmed from BB5 lookalike
I bear a remarkable resemblance to Ahmed from big brother 5 and can be hired for any function - where I will stand in the corner muttering to myself, decapitate statues and generally piss people around me off £5 per hour plus travel
Lee Sirkett
leelookslikeahmed@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
Correction to previous email address
www.einstellung.co.uk mail@einstellung.co.uk Now you owe me £10!!
Hundert und Neunzhen
mail@einstellung.co.uk
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
A plug for my band
For £5.00 I will plug my fantastic band on your website http://www.einstellung.co.uk PS - You owe me £5.00
Hundert und Neunzehn
mail@enstellung.co.uk
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
improve your life for only a hundred dollar
I will urinate on your head, trample on your wee soaked face with my sandals, slice off your face and wear it for eleven days pretending to be you. I will undo all the wrongs you have done and make you happier in your life and probably make you more popular. all done whilst wearing my badger pants.
David
david@spingers.co.uk
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
Want to be an Athlete?
For a basic fee of £3.33 I'll give you my feet...my Athlete's feet. Bronze Medal Pack inc. 1 week old worn sock £3.33 Silver Medal Pack inc. pair of worn socks £6.66 (Guaranteed) Gold Medal Pack inc. pair of socks + instructions £9.99 Hurry while socks last!
Ath
Neil@A-Best-Man-Dead.com
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
smelly fart in a jar!
we are willing to sell our smelly farts for a small fee of £2 a bottle. which of you lucky people would like a sniff mmmm!! P.S, for just £5 extra, yes, £5, we'll add a sample of urine, just for you!!
dannii and kat
dannii_fox@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
Crush!
Grudhtharg crush if you give rat. Grudtharg like rat cooked, tasty crunchy rat, best fried with onions. Grudtharg crush good - he crush many things: rocks, men, other men, men wearing funny hats. Grudtharg say, you give rat (must be real rat no fake Grudtharg no stupid) and he crush good. Ok ok Grudtharg go now.
Grudtharg
grudtharg@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
Opinions for a Fiver
For £5 I will develop especially for you an opinion on any subject you choose. Simply send me an email containing your opinion on 3 subjects of your choice, stated in 50 - 100 words, the subject that you need an opinion on, and £5 via Eggpay* and I will develop an opinion for you based on your current world-view. * http://new.egg.com/visitor/0,,3_45806--View_771,00.html
David Barnes
captaincutshaw@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
Rip off
I will sell 10 pound notes for £15.00 + P&;P
Huw
cadwen@fsmail.net
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
Fraudster offers service to spammers
I am a fraud. Do not contact me unless you want to be ripped off. Feel free to send me spam and sign me up to services against my wishes. Based in Scotland.
Keith Beveridge
wreknics@aol.com
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
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