I'LL TEACH YOUR MUM A LESSON
Are you fed up with hearing "watch out, you'll have someones eye out with that". Yes, of course you are. For a kilo of chocolate or flour or linseed oil, I'll run around with the implement in question, attacking people with it, and prooving that whist the victims may sustain massive injury, it will not have their eye out. Please note, I don't do spoons.
Dante
dantelarue@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/9/04
cuss yo muthaf!@kin a@s OUT!
for the sum of $10USD I will cuss at you and call you every ugly name in the book and even invent a few new ones (for an extra $1USD). This also includes telling you about the depths of your worthlessness and how much of a f@*k up you truly are. This will last a complete 3 minutes. email me with your phone number and details so we can get started!
jamoky
jamoky@blackplanet.com
United States of America - 1/9/04
Premium orgy service
Ever wanted an orgy? Too scared to broach the subject with your friends? I know many open minded men and women who enjoy the bacchanalian lifestyle and the hedonistic fun that can ensue. If you want all women, all men, a mix of both then I can arrange it. Fees are minimal and the service is discreet. Contact me at the email below. P.S. If you want the orbit of the moon slighter further to the left I can do that too.
Pablo Bruno
masked_valentine@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 29/8/04
I will thrill you with my breakfast show
Yes! for the price of amusing content, I, ChrisMF, The Mutha-F from Radio Reverb, will entertain you for one and a half hours on Saturdays from 9:30am til 11am. How does that grab ya? By the short and curlies, thought it did... www.radioreverb.com
Chris Mosley-Ferro
reverb_breakfast@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 27/8/04
Naked Piano Teacher
Learning piano is crap, so I'll strip off for you whilst teaching you. Email for rates, Central London!
Lolly
lolly@veryveronica.com
United Kingdom - 26/8/04
Rippng your face off through your arse...
As the title mentions, I specialise in ripping faces off.. not in the conventional manner most would assume... I tear that shit off through your arse!!! cmonnnnnn, find a better deal than that!! you stupid whoreskank. now check this out.. this deal comes for a price of only............... wait for it....... 3 bucks!! discounts for rapist preists and american presidents apply (for the latter i'll even put the addition of a sacrifical ceremonial corpse burning, while i piss on your ashes.) Now.. go cop some cocks you filthy cum-guzzling skankbags!!
McKnob Twist
sacrificial-buttplug@rabidfeces.com
Serbia & Montenegro - 26/8/04
will run with scissors
For the sum of 50 pounds sterling, I offer to run with scissors for any interested party. As you wiill see, there is a reason your mothers warned you against this speedy and inherently dangerous act for all thos years. Will travel to events etc for extra fee. Still cameras acceptable in basic 50 knicker fee but there is a surcharge of 10 pounds for moving picture work. Have a wide range of bifurcated cutting implements including some antique models but will consider running with customers' own scissors if required.
Barrister Hogarth
gaikoku@hammail.com
United Kingdom - 25/8/04
Need a little space in your life?
For only £20 I will totally ignore you. You needn't worry about me disturbing your life in any way whatsoever - no emails, no phone calls, no popping round for a chat. I completely GUARANTEE you a 100% Farnham-free existence. This is an exclusive deal - no other seller can offer this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Email me for payment details.
John Farnham
j@windows.datanet.co.uk
United Kingdom - 24/8/04
I will sing to you
And that's not all! Oh no, fear not, for I will bring you my guitar and sing to you under the persona 'YOU WILL DIE'. However, there's vacant slots to be filled - ARE YOU DRUMMER? ARE YOU A BASSIST? Drop me a line. With such song titles as HELLO GOODBYE DIE BLOODY DIE I DIE TODAY YOU LITTER, YOU DIE DIE DIE MY DARLING (MISFITS COVER) FOR THE RECORD, DIE I WANT YOU TO DIE (DWARVES COVER) You cannot fail to be moved by such a forceful marriage of punk and rock - and you will almost certainly die by the crust punk rock that YOU WILL DIE display on their dead sleeves.
Oink
doinkster@wogeatwog.com
United Kingdom - 24/8/04
gmail invites
i have a few gmail invites going so make an offer i can't refuse
hidden
hidden.weapon@gmail.com
United Kingdom - 24/8/04
Ill of the Dead
For just £25 per week, I will speak ill of the dead. Let me know which dead person you want badmouthed, and I'll invent some scurrilous yet believable stories about their sexual deviancy/wife-beating prowess/shoplifting exploits/secret serial-killing sprees (delete as applicable), and relate said stories to at least five people per week until your money runs out. A special cut-price offer is available on Richard Madeley, even though he's not dead yet. Apply for details.
Jim
fahnn@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 23/8/04
finger lickin goooood
fear the task of cleanin greasy oven pans and stacks of dirty dishes after the anual thanksgivin family meal? hate the fishy taste of your ladys bottom lips? lose too much time stamping correspondance? at school they called me quicklick,no guy had his toungue outnabout like me did. I lick anything from your kitchen sink to your toilet seat or ya mas cunt with pleasure. cleanliness and satisfaction guaranteed. pricelist 04: ovenpans 12§ dinnerplates3$ spoons 1$ forks/knives 5$ pussy brazilian style 8$ pussy nature 15$ toilet seat 10$ toilet bowl 15$ behind (male) 20$ behind (female) 15$ windowS (size dependant) 8-30$ floor (tiles) 12$/m2 floor (wood) 14$/m2 feet (pair) 12$ armpits (pair) 2,50$ Let me know what needs licking - I will be glad to wet my tongue and give it a goood wash. special offers on wednesdays, no dicks, no plates that had pork on them (i`m a muslem). money back if not satisfied! *SEPTEMBER OFFER* >> let me get your rubberboots ready for those stormy autumn days: just 5$ a pair, 3 pairs for 12$!
Mr Lick
inscheel@aol.com
Reunion - 23/8/04
Email
I will send you an email everyday till you die for just $30US. Ill send you cool links I find or coupons and just talk to you for a few lines. What better then to receive a email from someone that isnt junk. Just email me and let me know.
Me
orangesodapizza@yahoo.com
United States of America - 23/8/04
sing (narrate) your life
id like to narrate your life for a day. ill hang around in the background, unseen, providing an insight into your thoughts and actions out loud for you (and everyone else) to hear. e.g. "dave walked into the bar, wearing nothing but a grin and shoulder pads. he surveyed the scene. a girl gave him a smile, 'what a minger' thought our hero. the girl abruptly stopped smiling and threw her drink over dave, who seemed baffled. he walked to the bar, a masterly walk. he was a ladys man and his cheeky wiggle attracted the stares of many a lady, also some men, especially the effeminate barman." all this for chips and mushy peas (mmmmmm). DISCLAIMER: should the narrators interpretations of your thoughts cause effeminate-looking barmen to take exception to ur apparent slander i will not be held responsible.
gareth zaRquon
seemyvest2002@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 21/8/04
I will be your billboard
For ten pounds, plus the cost of manufacture, I will make and wear intermittently over a period of two months a T-shirt displaying your image. I will do my best to make sure your image is widely seen - attending unwelcome parties, going shopping in rush hour, etc. I live and work in London, so your image will be admired by inhabitants of and visitors to what was, in the nineteenth century, the capital of the world. Please send a digital photograph and any personal details you would like me to divulge in conversation.
Duncan Law
DUNCANLAWVANITY@HOTMAIL.COM
United Kingdom - 20/8/04
Kick your ass
I will sell you a good old fashioned backyard unsupervised ass kicking for $100 American. Legal waiver and ambulance call provided for free. Come and get it! Apologies extra.
Yan the Man
yan@nbraasch.com
United States of America - 20/8/04
INVENT SOMETHING USEFUL
For £13.40 I will deploy all the experience and electronic knowledge I possess to create an entirely new good each week, until Everton win another trophy. Add an extra £1.60 and I'll solve the political deadlock in Northern Ireland with a left-handed ultra vires decree. All religion will be banned and only sad guitar music shall be played. Sunday will be removed too. My first invention is: A mobile phone add-on that lets you programme your video or DVD player while out on the piss.
Gareth Dorrian
garethdorrian@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 19/8/04
Will let you point in the direction of Black Stars!
For 23 illegal mp3's of your liking, I'll let you point me in direction of offers on youwhores.com which has been awarded the Black Star for creativity and realism. Where the funk are they?
Anders Dam
bassehvidballe@hotmail.com
Denmark - 18/8/04
Miss bristol
Hi we are running a miss bristol competition and if you want to be advertised uncer the miss bristol competition for just £300 u can sponsor one off our girls.
www.cedarhouseit.co.uk
Liam summers
Liam.summers@cedarhouseit.co.uk
United Kingdom - 18/8/04
holiday for a kitchen
I will fit your new kitchen and tile your new plastered walls and wire you plugs and piant it all for free if....................................... You let my family stay in your house for two weeks holiday (devon cornwall norfolk) this is a genuine offer I have refrences but cant afford a real holiday this year email me with your questions would also consider bedrooms or garden landscape work refrences for all these types of work
simon
sfreedman@tiscali.co.uk
United Kingdom - 17/8/04
Are you talkin to me...
For free you can call me anything you want by email, phone or fax. You don't have to introduce yourself just insult me... the louder the better. Tel: [+44] (0)20 7758 0700 Fax: [+44] (0)20 7758 0701 or timewatch@fmi.uk.com
Tony Capozzi
timewatch@fmi.uk.com
United Kingdom - 16/8/04
Sell my soul
Songwriter/producer is looking for anyone to finance my small record lable.I need to make contact with anyone willing to help me achive my dream. I have been let down so many times in the past but my spirit drives me on. I have a vast arrange of original material from drum and bass to chill ambient. I have the tallent but not the financial backing Willing to give up my regular job and sell my soul to anyone who can help. Love and peace yall Tony di Suza The ceed corporation
Tony di Suza
marquis4@ukonline.co.uk
United Kingdom - 15/8/04
Sick boy in the GTM
Will drive round the M25 naked for a day, but only if you swear to be virtuous. See you at the orgy.
Alka Lloyd
straitlaced100@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 15/8/04
My undying grattitude!
For the paltry sum of $10 U.S. you will recieve my heartfelt thanks and undying gratitude!
GP
gjackson3@hot.rr.com
United States of America - 14/8/04
Miracle cure for sale
Inverts warts, rejuvenates the old and feeble, makes your wig look altogether more natural, etc. Emails to Mickey G.
Algae
whizzer249@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 14/8/04
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I know what you mean. £10. Discretion assured at all times. You'll find this service very useful if you don't want anyone else to know what you mean, or you do, whatever.
Dante
noemail
United Kingdom - 14/8/04
GREEN LIGHT
Are you stuck in traffic waiting for a red light to change? Of course you are, who isn't. Send me a cheque and I'll change that light to green straight away. Cars £3, lorries £7. Please note, I can do all lights in the country except for the zebra crossing by Budgens in Littlebottom. I can't stress this enough, you'll just have to wait that one out.
Dante
dante_larue@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 14/8/04
INDUSTRIAL LAMINATOR
Industrial laminator. Will laminate anything. I have just done my face. Will laminate your face for £5 or your wife for £10 or your house for £25.
Dante
dante_larue@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 14/8/04
CHECK IT. =D
Hey, I have some nifty here. for 20 bucks i will give you.... a empty can of mountain dew drunken by yours truely. a near empty can of axe deodorant spray. and ... a picture of me...SIGNED. yors truely. jeff.
Jeff
x9r0@comcast.net
United States of America - 14/8/04
Immortality
I am looking for companion to spend eternity with. The most intriging message to my man servants' address (couldn't find a company who deal with the dammed) will have power beyond their fantasies. Blondes/virgins/females prefered. Pictures welcome. Love of pain & suffering and desire for living without limits essential. n.b. selection may need carried out in several stages, as I have suffered in the past from mistakes in the recruitment process.
Lestat
stucogswell@tiscali.co.uk
United Kingdom - 12/8/04
OK. I now reduce my price to four cans of Fosters; the cooking lager not Export.
Geordie Bull dog
geordiebulldog542@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 12/8/04
DRAW A PICTURE OF YOU FROM WORDS
Describe yourself in 50 words, send it to me and I will draw a picture of what I imagine you to look like from your description. This will test both the accuracy of your literary prowess and that of your self-image. Alternatively, send me a picture of yourself and I shall describe you in 50 words. I am a writer and poet who runs a writing group in North London and I have an A-Level in Art & Design, from ages ago. Special offer! I’ll do it for free. It may take a while to get it to you cos I don't have a scanner though
Richard Tyrone Jones (see also below)
richardtyronejones@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 11/8/04
TRAMP 'WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?' (With £100).
If someone gives me £100 I will set up two chairs outside King's Cross station. The first tramp, vagabond or pan-handler to approach me for money will be told 'I'll give you a pound if you can answer a simple general knowledge question'. The game will progress from there with the tramp able to gamble at the various stages up to £100. They will have the options of 50/50, ask the voices in their head or harass the audience (ie passers-by). I will let you know when I'm doing it so you can come along and watch if I manage to procure the necessary sponsorship.
Richard Tyrone Jones
richardtyronejones@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 11/8/04
Font Of Infinite Knowledge
This is a one time offer that I will not post again! I will answer any one question of your choice on any topic that you wish. I guarantee a full & complete answer to any question/problem that you put to me & what’s more if my answer does not meet your with your satisfaction, then I will post an grovelling apology on any forum that you name, completely & utterly ridiculing myself for your gratification. This is a serious offer that comes at no cost to you, I have extensive knowledge on numerous subject matters!
Master of the Ages
anh3271@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 11/8/04
sex for gas
Ill give you sex hours and hours of fun for only the cost of a gas trip Texas Residents need apply you must be super hot or not Ill do it all Ill do anything Im just a horn dog, Im the guy with the sign on the road saying will have sex for gas
Texas Sex ass
themole69_2001@yahoo.com
United States of America - 9/8/04
Anything for Free
well Just about anything I like it all
Mole
themole69@hotmail.com
United States of America - 9/8/04
The Cleverness Patrol
I will delete the lame-o and pornyriffic notices on this site for free, free, free, free. Not that I have anything against pornyrifficness...I just wanna see more fun adverts for cake painting and drawing me from 50 words or less. Yep.
TJ
tecopajane@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 8/8/04
Pubes
This is a once in a life time opportunity, I have a money bag full off my own pubes. These are very sort after where I come from so I am asking for at least £25 or half a gram of coke.
pete
drunken@lunch.demon.co.uk
United Kingdom - 8/8/04
Psychic For Hire
Having trouble in your life with: love,money,business,health issues Well look no futher , I will help you get what is rightfully yours Price: Free (donations accepted) Also I can make meditation cds suit to fit your needs no genric bs here price:$5 for mp3 / $10 cd Also I will teach you how to do all of the above! price: $7000 Looking forward to making all your dreams come true. Michael
Michael
colgate420@yahoo.com
United States of America - 7/8/04
Record your outgoing message
For $10, plus the price of the long-distance call (if applicable), I will record the outgoing message on your answering machine or voicemail. I will say whatever you'd like in whatever voice you'd like (provided I can do it) in whatever language you'd like (provided that, if it's not English, you'll give me a phonetic pronunciation of it).
Andrew Mudd
andy@andrewmudd.com
United States of America - 7/8/04
I will take you on an urban big game fishing expedition for £1.
In the last few months I have been guiding urban big game fishing expeditions [see http://www.slacksabbath.com] in the UK and will guide an urban big game fishing expedition for 1 pound sterling.
Jeffrey Disastronaut
info@disastronaut.com
United Kingdom - 7/8/04
Voodoo offering and request service $45 (USD)
For $45 (USD) I will leave the request of your choice and an offering at the tomb of Marie Laveau, the Voodoo queen of New Orleans.
Dynomoose
adynomoose@hotmail.com
United States of America - 7/8/04
I will set up an internet storefront with products selling your art, photos or slogans $25 (USD)
For $25 (U.S. dollars) I will set up a storefront selling tee shirts, mugs, clocks etc.. featuring your art, photos or slogans. All profits from sales (minimum $25) will be mailed directly to you. All you have to do is send me $25 (U.S.) , high resolution copies of your art or a list of the slogans you'd like to sell and your mailing address. I will format your images or slogans for each product, set up your shop and provide you with the URL to your new internet storefront. For additional shops, please add $15. For an extra $10 per shop, I will submit it to search engines for you. Images can not include full frontal nudity, illegal activity or tobacco usage. Those are the site's rules, not mine.
Dynomoose
adynomoose@hotmail.com
United States of America - 7/8/04
Self Degradation
I will thoroughly flagellate myself for hours on end with your choice of implement ( must be flexible enough to allow me to whip my bum and back ) while masturbating furiously and singing your choice of any song from the "Sound of Music" Oh Yeah you pay what you feel this is worth, from $50 on up.
Rodney
lilywhitepig@hotmail.com
Canada - 7/8/04
Cake II
I will paint a portrait of a cake for you. I've never really painted anything, so you know it's going to be good. It may be a slice of cake; it make be a whole cake. I really can't say right now, that's part of the creative process. I will be charging $26 USD for this product. For an extra $2.78 USD I can add a small toy race car sitting at the side of the cake. http://cardhouse.com/contact/contact.htm
Cardhouse
noemail
United States of America - 6/8/04
Tour of my own personal pet cemetery
For £45 I will take you on a tour of the graveyard of my childhood pets. Anecdotes about dead pets will cost an extra £5. Too sensitive to negotiate.
annatheant
annatheant@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/8/04
Squeak
I will squeak at you for any length of time. Need a companion for a long journey? Then I'm your squeaky man. Just imagine the fun we'll have as I squeak and smile and nod my big bald head for hours on end, stopping only to stick a dirty fag in my mouth! You me and a squeaking good time. What could be better?
The Wrong 'Un
thewrongun@wrongmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/8/04
Paranoid?
Think everyone is out to get you? Think people are talking behind your back? Well they probably are. For just £50 a week I will feed your paranoia. Every time you get the feeling that somebody is after you I will re-assure you that this is indeed the case no matter that the evidence probably says otherwise. I will also dispense advice (usually suggesting an over elaborate and violent pre-emptive strike against anyone who looks at you "a bit funny"). Three re-assurances and two pieces of advice a week maximum.
Junk Monkey
junkmonkey_@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/8/04
gardening
experienced gardener/plantsman will renovate your weed-infested garden in exchange for full board and pocket money anywhere in europe
brian heath
heathfieldestate@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 6/8/04
THIS LIAR IS BAD VERY BAD
This woman- vickamadi2000@yahoo.co.uk - sent an email saying that someone is dead and she will split all the funds of their account from a bank in Nigeria. For nothing from me (but upto 15 million american dollars from her-apparently) email her and ask her about it. She is very prompt with replys and seems deadly serious--the fucking loon. Just letting you know.
Jed
ihavenoemail@noemail.com
United Kingdom - 6/8/04
Juicy balls
For 1000 english pounds i will sell my left testicle. To ensure quality and freshness, i will not masterbate for 12 hours prior to removal. Emails from those who are serious and in need only..... Redders
Redders
jonredman@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 5/8/04
Ass kicker
Are you the type who gets nothing done? Do you need someone to make you "get a grip"? I am one motivading mother fucker who can make you do whatever you need to be done and more. I got plenty of references, get out of your ass and start by e-mailing me NOW.
Forgh
Forgh@aol.com
United States of America - 5/8/04
tired of sitting around watching the telly?
Why not go for a walk round a owl sancuary or a victorian folly? I will come round and sit on your chair/sofa/bed/sideboard/floor and watch it for you. All you need do is supply me with the means of making tea/sandwiches,and 1/8 of grass. cable veiwers in the penge area of london only please.
Ollie
olliefantastic@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 5/8/04
Another one?
I will eat another oatmeal and m-ms cookie although it has ca trips to the bathroom. My friend was recommended that I videotape the documentary. We can title it 'second cookie adventure' despite its first. However, for a unique tape I ask the full price of £200.00
yomi
yomi112@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 5/8/04
I will read your e-mail
I will read your e-mail for twenty dollars. You can set a price for reading e-mail, too. And if whoever runs "youwhores.com" would like to, I can set up youwhores.com forwarding addresses for all you youwhores whores out there in the internet, using my sender-pays system, and then everyone can make the same reasonable demand.
david nicol
Davidnicol@pay2send.com
United States of America - 4/8/04
Give
I would give, unless i new it was being taken. Price: Time
Outsider
outsider147@msn.com
United Kingdom - 4/8/04
Postcard from portugal
Postcard from Portugal sent to you from me, If i can fund my trip!!!!!! need £400!!!!
Pheadra
PheadraB@aol.com
United Kingdom - 4/8/04
JIZZ IN MY OWN EYE
Hi, Bob here. I will jizz in my own eye for 27p or a "free bag of walkers" crisp token. I will cry uncontrollably whilst doing it for an extra £4.80. This is a great offer, please oblige me, no one can beat me.
Bobby Turmoil
Bobturmoil@cripplecock.com
United Kingdom - 4/8/04
Yes
Yes I will. And for free too.
Ian Yes
paul@thedale.com
United Kingdom - 3/8/04
You Love Goth Rock
I'll take your favorite tunes and re-record them as goth rock, $50/ea. No questions asked.
Kyle
soyantibalas@yahoo.com
United States of America - 2/8/04
Anything you can do
I can do better or your money back gauranteed. No time wasters please
moonfriut
missgroover1666@aol.com
United Kingdom - 1/8/04
sir fart a lot
i would shit in tony blairs cup of tea. shoot maggie thatcher in the head. all for free for what these people have done to me and my country!
dee parkinson
megafarts74@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 1/8/04
Become A GOD!
For the relatively small expenditure of £1,499,999.99 I will erect an elaborate shrine to YOU! (and any friends/family who you wish to be lesser Dieties). WORSHIP will be held twice daily in a FAITHFUL manor. we shall endeavor to extend our belief in YOURSELF as far as possible and any additional "God-sends" would be greatfully recieved. PAYMENT can be spread over 200 Monthly installments of 8,000 We look forward to your deposite of £10,000 and remember: We BELIEVE in YOU!
S.J.P.
s_j_powermarine@msn.com
United Kingdom - 1/8/04
i want to do tv adverts
hello i want to do television adverts will do most things www.steveadams.moonfruit.com
steve adams
blagman@talk21.com
United Kingdom - 1/8/04
Watch me perform this amazing feat !
For a small fee,or a tub of butter i will show you via webcam what i can do with half a pound of butter and a chair leg .
pig0fsteel
manlyfairy@chairleg.com
Australia - 1/8/04
I will stroke
Have you got bandaged hands? broken fingers? or just a gardening gloves touch? I can touch what you like from cats to feather dusters and everything in between e.g a turtles shell. £10 p.h P.s I can also touch what ever you like on line, just email me a picture.
Guy
guy2p@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 1/8/04
SHIP IN A BOTTLE
For £50 I will build a ship in a bottle, for £25 I'll inflate a dinghy in a bottle, for £100 plus parts I'll reconstruct the 350 ft HMS Destroyer in a bottle.
Monkey Boy
mr_ships@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 31/7/04
I will eat the world
For £5 a request, I will eat anything you suggest and let you know how it tastes.
Guy
guy2p@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 31/7/04
Best Night Out Ever
Give me £300 which i will promise to squander on a night of debauchary and mis-spelling. will call you first thing sunday morning to tell you lies about how I have wasted your money. also children parties and funeral visits, can pretend to be you dead dad's secret gay love interest.
KingdomCum
selfeee@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 31/7/04
Are You Lost?
If you are lost then send me an e-mail and i will promptly have found you, amazing!! This is a free service.
Bob
SpecialAgentBob@CIA.com
United Kingdom - 31/7/04
Trans Late Or of the Languagage
4 fieve pice4s of yur curenzee i wil trans late any of yur languagage into any otter languagage, as long as it is the french languagage.
Juan
JuanTrans_late_4_U@Yahoo.com
Guadeloupe - 31/7/04
Slow internet?
Tire of slow internet connections, long boot-ups, stuttering mouse etc? I will reinstall your Windows at the drop of a hat for free without sussing out the real problem! Call me.
Dave H
davessadone@simms.com
United Kingdom - 31/7/04
A Better Day in a Punch
If your day is sucky I will punch you in the head. Then you wont care how sucky your day was. First punch is free.
Dr.Punch-U
the_baxter@hotmail.com
United States of America - 30/7/04
Disposable Boyfriend
I will perform any tasks apart from DIY or watching soaps. Once finished you can say goodbye forever. Dinners, drinks, conversations or fairly decent sex, all without any commitment or ties. If it makes you feel better you can pay me in cash, otherwise free drinks or a few fat spliffs will suffice. You know it makes sense, and I promise not to talk about cars or try to watch the football over your shoulder while you drone on about your friends/job/family etc.
Ben
openedonce@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 30/7/04
hitman
title explains it all serious buyers only muahaha
no names
punkan.oi@verizon.net
United States of America - 30/7/04
me
nothng
Luca
luca@aol.com
United States of America - 30/7/04
100 cheese pizzas to right video geek!
Anyone with a sense of touch and falir for creating beautiful, obscene and political eyesores and visuals. Please contact me, since im willing to sell 100 cheese pizzas for 1$. If the right person shows up and wishes to direct or create a controversial visuals for a song by an underground optimistic danish hardcore band. get in touch....
mikkel
baandoptager@hotmail.com
Denmark - 30/7/04
musikal services - price to be negotiated
dj, make experimental film music,play with other musicians or record sounds in Berlin. influences:stereolab,trts,mogwai,ui,fsk,klf,sfa,to rococo rot,john peel,godspeed,bill wells,high llamas, broadcast,the fall,philip glass,arab strap, captainbeefheart, appliance, kraftwerk, billymahonie,e.neubauten...
D-Rock
dirkmarkham@hotmail.com
Germany - 30/7/04
I will make you a song with your favorite sound(s)
record the sound(s) you love and i will assemble a song utilizing your recording. cassette minicassette dat cd minidisc wax cylinder all accepted.
christopher white
magicicada@gmail.com
United States of America - 30/7/04
Talisman of your choice!
For the sum of £2 I will make a talisman for you of your choosing, will consecrate it & imbue it with all the spiritual power I can muster.
Mr Mystical
anh3271@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 29/7/04
GEORDIE BULL DOG HIRE
I am a very rare breed of ginger geodie bulldog. I will come round to your house and act as a guard dog for 6 cans of fosters. I will bite the ankles of all manner of visiter including postmen/milkmen etc. BURKEY
Burkey
geordiebulldog542@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 29/7/04
Unified System of Imparting Uspecified Knowledge Specialist
For sale: A humble trade of, [Mid-19th century. Origin uncertain: perhaps named for an infamous New York pimp and confidence man of the 1840s Aleck Hoag.], "ness", ...for... "Noun- U.K. title of respect: a title of respect for a mayor, magistrate, or other similar dignitary." Shouldn't be much to debate here. You just won't find a better deal here on my planet. Just a click away, and the taunting begins. Otherwise: Will work for food.
Squirrel bait squared
justiceforjustone@nanynanybooboo.com
Uzbekistan - 28/7/04
Taken away, a deep breath for sympathy.
For next to nothing I would set you free. Free from the spilled Jell-0. Free from the mental torture of students on the stage. Free from the ear pounding catterwalling echoing overhead. I'll take your daily "rot-inspired" abuse and reinflict it through your son's report card. I'll smile at you because you are nacho everyday great kate. I will not trip you, however, because that is embarassing. Nobody should trip the special kid.
Brownage Mister
removeyourhead@fromyournesper.com
Canada - 28/7/04
Ideas for sale
Available for sale or hire tangible ideas at reasonable rates. For all you concept, invention and business venture needs. Prices vary. Ideas are non refundable.
Ideas gezzer
lisagalloway@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 28/7/04
Entry Level Work in Media (in London)
For the small sum of 12,000 English Pounds per annum I will degrade myself beyond the point of a safe psychological return! Watch me as I commute into the centre of London everyday withstanding the smelly, sweaty, silent (everyone on the verge of tears) type atmosphere that only the tube can deliver so delightfully! (1 hour in, 1 hour back). I will walk into an office in which no one will want to even look at me for fear of being seen saying good morning to 'The Runner'. I will spend the next hour making sure that all the over-fed public school educated knobs in the office have the right coffee/pain-au-chocolats on their desk. I will also do all other shopping required for office. I will then spend the rest of the day manning a fax machine and making sure that everyone has a cup of tea as and when they want it! If I am lucky I will get to stare at the back-end of taxi's for an hour if I have to pick up/drop off a person or package. If I am extra lucky I will get to be stuck on the A40 for several hours in rush hour, my only comfort being the playlisted radio garbage which I will listen to letting what is left of my soul disintegrate into the grey Tuesday afternoon atmosphere. (n.b. The fact that I own a 1st Degree from 'The best course of its kind in the country' should make parting with that cash that much sweeter).
Dwain Dibley
Everyman@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 27/7/04
Intellectual Whore
Act now and for a special low-price of $20, I will be your intellectual whore for a month. http://www.intellectualwhores.com/ for the definition. Accepts PayPal and cash. E-mail for resume.
Dee Wongsa
dejadee@gmail.com
United States of America - 26/7/04
Pay me to stop
Im a musician here is one of my songs. http://www.polarizednorthstar.com/images/prometheus_-_risk_taker.mp3 If you pay me 50 bucks I will stop playing this infernal racket and pick up a quieter hobby.E-mail me for details.
ty
higherthan5@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 26/7/04
For 200 $ or euros per week I'll be your best friend.
I'll be your best friend! I'll tell people how funny and nice you are. I'll help you if you have problems with stupid people. I cover for you. I help you with school/work/love related problems. I can teach you stuff. I will just have fun with you all the time :) 22-years old. Male Born in Finland. If you are located somewhere else than Finland then I need plane tickets and place to stay.
Pilot
aastesti@suomi24.fi
Finland - 26/7/04
Vote for Bush
Will vote for Bush for $10
Detrus
detrus@subver.com
United States of America - 26/7/04
spliff man
tired of sitting at home all alone ? sick of haveing to roll all your own joints ? for a percentage(negotiable)i will sit with u all night and skin up till u can smoke nomore.
danage
danage@gmail.com
Ireland - 26/7/04
Excuse to wife
For $5 you can use me as an excuse to your spouse. I'll admit to anything and send an email apologizing for my bad behavior and that it was all my idea and you were not at fault, or you were with me that night. For $25 I’ll telephone.
Dave
jellohasmeat@eudoramail.com
United States of America - 26/7/04
Junk Mail
For only 99 pence i will send you a weeks worth of the junk mail i receive through my letterbox. PAYPAL is accepted.
Norman shuffle
lotto500@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 26/7/04
Dodgy curry
For £100 + expenses I will storm into the restaurant or take away of your choice at the busiest time of day and slam a dead cat onto the counter whilst shouting "THIS IS THE LAST ONE YOUR HAVING UNTILL YOU PAY FOR THE LAST LOT!" Half price if you supply the animal.
norman shuffle
lotto500@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 26/7/04
Is there a Mr. Brown in the audience?
I will make and poke fun at you all day everyday. (some might call this harrassment, I prefer it "being rotten") Tripping you as you enter a structure A definite must. I will be taping signs to your back that say, "poop is good eats". Knock knock jokes along with pick up lines daily will be thrown in as an added bonus. April 1st you can recieve a whoopie cushion welcome, oorr.. I could be kidding, fools may never know.
Crazy Lunch Lady
MysteryMeat@theycallmeTator.com
United States of America - 25/7/04
FS: Mixerman's identity
I say for sale but I've decided this is a different kind of sale. You have to tell me one of your deep dark secrets. And, in return, I'll give you the true identity of the infamous Mixerman.
Wicked Driver
wickeddriver@yahoo.com
United States of America - 25/7/04
Spend a dollar now
I would like to invite readers of this site to spend One US Dollar with us. In return we will provide you with the sheer pleasure of spending money - nothing else. According to research carried out by Shopaholics Anonymous, this activity has been proven to provide relief from the pains of this affliction. Please make payments via paypal to the above address. Please note that this service is non-refundable.
Shopaholics Anonymous
asad@wrongrecordings.com
United Kingdom - 25/7/04
Food for thought?
Lonely? Tired of being just another loser in the rat race, never more than another face in the crowd? Well today's your lucky day. This hungry person will think of you for a day each week in exchange for food. Just come round to my house with an item of delicious food (address given when contacted) and have peace of mind in the fact that someone, is thinking of you.
Matt
ostrich_54321@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 24/7/04
TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY!
For the 'knock-down' sum of nothing at all, I will quite literally take your breath away. One hard punch to the stomach and voila. 'Your breath, away' 'Just call today' 'I'll wind you' 'And then you'll pay' (sang mildly to pleasant jingle music) *SPECIAL OFFER-Fancy never having to contact me again? I have friends who will happily take your breath away permanently for the mere price of your life. Miserable, terminally ill, whatever, these guys will always perform.
Matt
ostrich_54321@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 24/7/04
relationship problems? i can make it all go away...
do you just want to be happy with a significant other? do you just seem to have bad luck with love? cant get laid? just send me a pic of yourself, a quick (500 words or less) description of what went wrong in your last relationship, and about 150 words describing what you want out of a relationship/life. for just 5 dollars i will straighten you out. you will never wonder what the hell is wrong with you again. i guarantee.
derrik
silence_1066@hotmail.com
United States of America - 24/7/04
parsley please!
If more than 5 of u support me I will spend my dead dad's life savings on a Viking-themed parsley restaurant,where customers can sing Norse battle anthems while dining on bouquets of the finest fresh parsley.I am looking for people to serve parsley to the customers tables.Restaurant experience & previous knowledge of parsley preferred. No thyme waiters please.
Dr. Ifuk Arsez
ifuk.arsez@btinternet.com
United Kingdom - 24/7/04
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