Box
I seek people who buy boxing dummies...
Kamen
cak@mail.bg
Bulgaria - 12/10/04
creative graphic designer
Daily rates for graphic design £150 Hourly rates £25 Includes web design, print design, animation, vide work, CD-ROM design - happy to discuss your project first.
Jerome Turner
jerometurner@dsl.pipex.com
United Kingdom - 12/10/04
Anything
Well...i would almost do anything that doesnt include: perverted stuff, sex with men or ugly and fat women, i wouldnt clean anything just chill in your crib and make your life a living hell!, i actually wouldnt do anything that would make u happy cuz im a lazy bastard that sits on his computer when his home...so fuck off!!!! PS. <3<3<3
Brain Buster
sexybb@gmail.com
Finland - 12/10/04
Satisfy your personal blood-lust .
I will sell you a used Blood Glucose Monitoring Test strip containing a microscopic quantity of my blood, together with an indication of the glucose reading the strip produced. Price £5 cash including postage and packing. Only those with a serious interest in other peoplse blood should apply........
Bloody Norah
teststrip@bloods.co.uk
United Kingdom - 12/10/04
Naked Weightlifting
For a small fee of £0.10p I shall lift weights absolutely naked for your pleasure in your living room. You do not need to pay for expenses but would appreciate a cool towel ready to freshen up. Please give me money I am a desperate student - also see me on eBay!
Mitch
mitchteaser@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 11/10/04
Nose massage/love
For the princely sum of £6.99 I will travel to any area of London (within zones 1-3) and caress you with my new (plastic surgeoned) nose. As it is so smooth I am capable of giving nose massages and nose jobs (use your imagination). I am also in an average rock band but can croon to you whilst I do it for an extra couple of Lambert and Butler's. There is a 50% discount for grimpners and under 12's.
Marc Hayward
info@thedash.info
United Kingdom - 11/10/04
DEVASTATE MY LIFE
Sponsor me to F**k up my life...willing to devastate my life..make passes at friends girlfriend..have drunken brawls with same friends...borrow money and not pay back...then get fired from job..thrown out of flat...and get arrested...(and possibly devolping a drug/alcohol addiction on the way)..i have a price and this does depend on how much interest i can raise...a sponsor's donation account will be set up accordingly..all sponsor's will recieve daily update with proof's of event's ie:letter of job termination,charge sheet from arrest,possible written testimony from ex-friends.. etc..again this does depend on raising the sponsorship to fund the ultimate "every man has their price"...
justin
devastate_my_life@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 11/10/04
I Precribe Thee Tonic Sirrah
For 5 ye olde French francs I'll manufacture a near lethal tonic, the likes of which yer grandfolk took for colic windy pipes and sell it to children with tropical fish. Labels with your name at additional cost (very shiny centimes), come in three styles; coloured, tatty and crap (which is really purple spelt different like).
StingingNettles
snettles@nettletea.com
United Kingdom - 11/10/04
Free Drinks
Anyone in the Essex area, feeling thirsty? I am Offering a free cup of tea! All you have to do is supply the biscuits. Just send me an e-mail and let me know when you want it
Matt
Stelfmunky@aol.com
United Kingdom - 11/10/04
Something for Nothing?
My Mother always told me you'll never get something for nothing. So I figured I'll offer anyone whose remotely bothered, nothing for something. All offers of something will be thoughtfully considered. I can hereby promise by return post/e-mail/racing pigeon- nothing.
Bob
bobajob@jobs.com
United Kingdom - 11/10/04
Tell you how hot you are
For £10.00 per hour i'll come to your house and tell you hoe great you look, clothed or undressed. Genuine shock at just how great you look etc. Will tell you how great you are at anything..kissing etc for £5.00 extra per hour.
Ad Rock
adamccasey@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 11/10/04
Photo of my straight Aussie bumhole emailed to you.
For just 2 pounds put into my paypal account, I'll take a photo of my (male) bumhole with my mobile phone and email it to you. Sounds good huh? Who wouldn't want one?
Ben
benjispaypal@yahoo.com
Australia - 10/10/04
Bra touched by the hands of DONNY OSMOND...
YES! thats right! THE puppy lover himself.... He touched this very bra, in July 2004, whilst I was loitering backstage at the end of his conert tour....no thumbs marks or bodily fluids but happy memories of a bra well touched by the Don himself. Picture of myself wearing said bra avaliable on request... Go on, you know you want to... £50.00 OVNO...bust not included.
johnny
johnnyg@email.com
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
Give the love of a good dog.
I will come and walk my most beautiful mongrel with you for £100/hr.
Nick
nickfulton@mac.com
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
Get paid for doing fuck all
Buy an illness or disability of your choice from just £2.00, and stay at home with a genuine sick note and get paid for doing sweet f a. Our illness' range from a simple common cold to full blown scalp ear nipple syndrome and even lesser know diseases such as valproic acid antenatal infection, so drop a line and see what we could do for you!
Luke
PulpPint@aol.com
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
Crack Wax, feel my pain...
oh yes, feel it, live it, own it.... When I have my crack waxed (and I will ) you too could be a part of it. Just send me £50 and I will send you the wax strip with hair attached and audio tape of my screams.... Tea tree aftercare, avaliable at an extra £2.99 FEEL THE PAIN AND DO IT ANYWAY. Johnny
johnny
johnnyg@email.com
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
Pointless Facts
Be the life and soul of a party! I will email you random pointless facts from my extensive knowledge of pointlessness. Just 80p/fact, it's a small price to pay for being interesting. Buy in bulk and save save save! - 10 facts for £7.50, 20 for £15
Chris H
flaminglips123@teamsatan.com
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
I will sell you freshly plucked anal hair
For a negotiable price I will send you a freshly plucked anal hair. If you prefer I can wash it, however, if unspecified it will remain fresh.
Darren
dtm4@hw.ac.uk
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
Kiss In A Card
For £5 I will buy a Christmas card, put lipstick on, kiss it, sign it "Daisy", enclose a sexy picture and send it to you. Imaging what your friends will say when they realise you've been sent a Christmas card from Daisy! Other names available, please enquire.
Chris H
flaminglips123@teamsatan.com
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
www.kissmekwik.co.uk
For £2 I will send you a greeting card bearing the legend `Happy Birthday Cunt`. You can send this to friends on their birthday and make them laugh, or cry. Other designs available.
simon
simon@kissmekwik.co.uk
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
Lionhead
I am the most beautiful rabbit you have set eyes upon. I am only 5 months old and very very cute. I have a flowing mane like a lion and great pair of ears. Put just £2.17 in to my paypal account and I will email you a picture of myself out on the piss whilst my owners were away. You won't be disappointed! If you would prefer a picture without the booze, pay me just £2.07.
BB
binkybunny@tiscali.co.uk
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
Guaranteed haunting
Send me £5 and I guarantee to scare the living shit out of you after my demise.
Betamax
pointeblank@tiscali.co.uk
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
Your having sex on TV - not a joke!
Ok - I promise to deliver. To see yourself having sex with a girl (or a guy) on TV (real picture) - just email me a clear picture of yourself and the amount you promise to donate to your favourite charity. £5 to charity is enough. Tell me the charity too. I trust you! Within 48 hours I will email you back a picture of YOU having sex with a raunchy babe or a hunky guy. Go on - it's worth a laugh!
Terry
terry799@fsmail.net
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
Girlfriend Screensaver
For £1 a pop I'll put your name on my screensaver at work for 2 working days and tell everyone who asks that you're my girlfriend. SAVE £1!! If you e-mail me a naked photo of yourself, I'll put it in my wallet and produce it whenever anyone mentions the screensaver.
Matt
mattchina@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
Meaning of Life
do you want to know what the meaning of life is? well i'll tell you for just £2. it changed my life forever...
Rory
i_will_tell_you_everything@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
I LIKE APPLE PEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
I AM SELLING APPLE PEEL. ONE BAG IS ONLY £3.99. THE POSIBILLITIES ARE ENDLESS WITH APPLE PEEL YOU CANT GO WRONG! FREE SAMPLES GIVEN !!!!!
SARA
SAY_SANDERS2002@YAHOO.COM
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
Dare Me
Got a dare for me? Well then, send me a message or an email with the dare, i will consider it and charge you anything from 1 to 5 pounds depending on the dare. I'll take photo's with my digicam and send them to you or video clips; but only once i get my payment via stormpay, i may be crazy, but i'm not stupid. If you live in sa we can organise something special.
Evil Lil Girl
lil_evil_girl@hotmail.com
South Africa - 9/10/04
A NOD'S AS GOOD AS A WINK...
...or so they say. For only £2 I will email you 3 winks. However, research into the subject suggests a nod is good for you and therefore marginally better than a wink. Therefore for £4 I will happily email you a nod. I thank you.
HEX
lasthexaudio@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 8/10/04
Sponsorship Needed
For £2,000 per week. I will start learning how to recognise every model of car made in the past 10 years by listening to the indicators. I am doing this incase You Bet makes a welcome return to the screen, and then me and you can have a holiday or something else.
Dan The Loung
dtl@theloungs.co.uk
United Kingdom - 8/10/04
Are you lonely?
I will send you a picture of my friends having fun so you can show others and say that you were there and even took the photo... Only 75p per photo (free P&;P)- order as many as you like!
Jack
jacksapathy@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 7/10/04
geniiiiiiii
i will send you a photocopy of einsteins signature
me
iph_genia@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 7/10/04
paint stuff
paint art for 15 quid per hour plus travel expenses if there are any.
R
rolyatss@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 7/10/04
Pay a stranger a compliment
For every donation of £1 or more into my paypal account I will compliment a stranger that day
Georgina
georgepudpope@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 6/10/04
Buy Our Free MP3s
Our Mp3's are available for free download, yes FREE! But why stop there, send us all your money, or any part thereof, and we'll send you a picture of us for the reduced price of £5.34* Also in this amazing offer, if you contact us through your work's e-mail then we will bombard you with images both pornographic and disturbing in nature! Why Wait? Send an e-mail NOW with the subject : Here's some money, please ruin my life! www.theloungs.co.uk *Picture available absolutely gratis off the site.
The Loungs
rapemyaccount@theloungs.co.uk
United Kingdom - 6/10/04
Need Sperm?
Are you a female and you cant find a man to plant his seed? Look no further, I am a 6 foot italian man, athletic build willing to send you my sperm to help you create a bundle of joy. All I ask is for $15, that includes shipping, and I will send you a fresh batch of sperm for you to use any way you wish.
D
orangesodapizza@yahoo.com
United States of America - 5/10/04
liberationgames.com
Bored? Obviously. Here. Play a game or two... www.liberationgames.com (Its all free, baby)
Doog
kerplunked_nimrod_girl_1039@yahoo.com
United States of America - 4/10/04
Tired of being the "single" guy or girl?
Reasonably attractive 20 year old female, for the low cost of only $20 will write carnally graphic love letters which you can show off to all your friends. Feel loved! Fell special! PROVE IT and Be popular! I am capable of writing in many different handwriting styles just in case you'd like the boys to know that you've not only been playing the field, you're the goddamn MVP! And for an optional $10, thats right... just $10, you will be supplied with one photo* of your new found love. Additional photos only $5 extra (per photo) Other services such as valentines, phone calls, and actual outing are negotiable. *photos are not of pornographic nature.
Cheshire
cheshiresuicide@yahoo.com
United States of America - 3/10/04
Hi
I wanna hire
Yusuf
shomoy018@hotmail.com
Bangladesh - 2/10/04
8 HOURS OF FAME!
I'll folow you around for 8 hours (am, pm or a combination of both) with a camera and sound crew. I don't care what we do or where we go. The only rule is you can't reference any of us or aknowledge our prescence. If someone says "Hey, (your name) what the fuck are these guys following you around for?", you have to respond with a shrug or pretend like they've lost their mind. Prices negotiable, starting at $100.
G.
writegardner@hotmail.com
United States of America - 2/10/04
hehe... =D!!1
For the small price of 2 dollars, the next time i have sex with my girlfriend i will give you a shout out. (will give multiples shoutouts for extra money)
jeff roark
exnine@gmail.com
United States of America - 2/10/04
DON'T WORRY
Stop worrying now, whatever the problem is, don't worry - I'll do it for you. Charges are £5 per worry, each additional worry £2.50. Don't worry how I charge such low prices, I'll do that. And don't worry that I won't worry for you, I'll worry about that too along with your original worry.
Dante
happyfellow@deathsdoor.com
United Kingdom - 1/10/04
fun drawings of you or me!
if you too would like a slightly amusing but scary drawing of yourself you are at the right place.for the low price of $5 once you submit any photo i will draw it from my own imagination.possible items that it would have include:balloons,bear bodies,ice cream cones,diet cola,odd stars,large overdrawn eyes,blood,and for an additional $2 any item you wish.
tonyvortex
tonyvortex@gmail.com
United States of America - 30/9/04
bull run
I would run the bulls naked save for a copy of the times pushed firmly up my bottom. This would cost the price of my travel and a weeks stay in pamploma
guy dorrell
guydorrell@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 30/9/04
Willing
Anything that won't kill me.
Sarah
sexyandwanttobewithyou@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 30/9/04
FRESH PLASTIC COCKS!!!!!!!
for £4.35 per hour i will come to your house/apartment/jail cell and clean your dildo/vibrator using a high strengh polish and waxing brush. i gurantee your sex toy will look and smell like it is fresh out the box e-mail now for money off vouchers and student discount rates! our promise if it smells like trout you pay nowt
jambo ficticious
hangingwithmrmanwhore@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 29/9/04
YOUR DRUGS / BOOZE
For fuck all, I'll come round your house and sniff ALL of your gear! How about that then. Offer just too inviting? Then leave ALL your booze on the side and i'll drink the lot!!!!
Simon's brother
freeloader@mybrothershouse.com
United Kingdom - 29/9/04
Double your money!
The third person to send me a million pounds will get two million back Simple. If you dont then pah to you.
Si Moon
noemail
United Kingdom - 28/9/04
Will Lean on your car
For £5 I will lean on your car whilst you are shopping at a local supermarket of your choice.
TheLeaner
leaner@previewed.co.uk
United Kingdom - 27/9/04
Spam dumping ground
go ahead and use my email address as your spam dumping ground. and hey, do it for free.
dumbass
brass_dragonfly@yahoo.com
United States of America - 27/9/04
Pretty Clever
For the minimal entry fee of £1.50, you (female - clever and pretty) and a friend (female - clever and pretty) may join myself and pal (males - not so clever - devilishly handsome and witty) for pub quiz action. North London area. Monday nights, but will change night and venue depending on prettiness. (vacancies due to recent depature of pretty/clever girls)
Eddie
thepandaeyes@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 27/9/04
I'll pay you for nothing!!!
I will give you money via paypal for absolutly nothing. Why, because I'm a dumbass.
Dumbass
brass_dragonfly@yahoo.com
United States of America - 26/9/04
Dolphin Cruelty
Are there any dolphin owners out there? i will pay whatever you want to let me give your dolphin one hell of a beating. i hate the happy smiley bastards.So get in touch and let me finally wipe the smile off their faces.I will pay double if it is related to Flipper,god i fucking hate that dolphin.
Jaybjay
leeloo123@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 25/9/04
Jewish Christmas Trees
10 Boxed good, as new Jewish Christmas trees, never been used. bargain at £50 each First customer gets a free Jewish easter egg and tin of tartan paint
Morning Dew
Morning.Dew@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 25/9/04
positively charged toenails
i will read anyones mind through the power of postivly charged toenails i keep tighlty gripped in the palm of my hand. £1.83 will get you small toe left foot reading £11.16 wil get you the full two feet, as i am a library cleaning ladys assisitant i am not fully qualified to speak of any such telepathy the exchange of monies/charged toenails will therefore be done through a 91 year old man named sid who has nothing better to do with his days than to stand outside whsmith (woolworths on saturdays) for 18 pence per week and dispense my vast mind reading powers upon the world in the hope that monies/toenails be exchanged
jambo ficticious
hangingwithmrmanwhore@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 23/9/04
Cool Spam
Is your Spam to hot to handle? You Need Sam Spam the big spam fan man? For just 2 Birth Marks I will travel anywhere in Europe to cool you spam. My spam fan can cool even the most molten spams in three shake of a lambs tail. (Lambs tails are sold seperately) but their shaking is free. all birth marks must be have their birth certificates.
Sam Spam
bigspamfanman@spam.com
United Kingdom - 23/9/04
laa laa
Send me a donation and i shall sing in the shower
Muna
jungle_007@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 23/9/04
Birds! - Too much of a hit with the boys?
Bit too much of a fucking stunner are we? Always getting chatted up by the lads? Bit of a stuck-up cunt who needs bringing down a peg or two, are ya? WELL ARE YA??? For a quid or upwards, I shall let you down by not meeting you for a date. I'm quite prepared to make the arrangements, London only. You turn up, I don't. You end up publicly looking like a mate-less fuck, and go home to cry to your other sycophantic girlfriends. Simple as. Mail me and let's get the ball rolling.
aido
feedmealine@lycos.co.uk
United Kingdom - 23/9/04
Want head?
For just $5 into my paypal account and the cost of shipping, I will send you a head so you can receive head whenever you want. (heads vary from person to person)
B
orangesodapizza@yahoo.com
United States of America - 23/9/04
Anything you want
Give me any amount of money you see fit and I will give you anything I've got. Name your price. ONO.
edward
edforever@gmail.com
United Kingdom - 22/9/04
my incontinent squirell collection
please note: this advertisement has nothing to do with squirells or there bowel movements. thank you. 1 piece of lightly folded a4 sized paper soaked in gin(romanian) and dusted with henna for that all round euphoric effect can be yours if you bring me one lock of hair(pubic/underarm) from a mermaid named doris who roams the indian ocean pretending to be a taxi driver but whos licence expired in march 2001 it can be posted from a uk based postal box to my hometown of walking distance from anywhere not second class please i'm inpatient. thank you
jambo fictcious
hangingwithmrmanwhore@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 21/9/04
Drum while you sleep
For just £14 p/h I will come to your house (UK only) and drum you to sleep. I have my own kit and can also just percuss you to sleep with bongos or tamborines.
Claudio Shnok
wellyboots@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 21/9/04
Krumping / Clowning / Affro Fun
Looking for a little something to jazz up your party? I am the proud owner of a 10" Ginger Affro - 100% natural. Its bigger than you've ever seen... I'll come and krump/clown for you, in a very hardcore manner. Price - £15 an hour, plus travel etc. Can provide photos / video / recommentdations, etc. Don't know what krumping is - you've never lived!!! Wylis
Wylis
wylis@email.com
United Kingdom - 21/9/04
Would you like me to stop?
Seriously... would you like me stop posting pseudo-adverts on this site? For the one off low payment of massaging my ego till I either pass out or fuck off I will stop leaving these asanine ads full of vitriol that are a half-arsed disguised plea, a cry for help, a childlike tantrum for attention if you will. Tell me I'm great and I'll leave you good people alone. I promise.
Noam Flouncey-Bumchuckles
paul@thedale.com
United Kingdom - 20/9/04
An Invoice For You
For just £25, I will send you an invoice showing that you've paid £25 to me for some non-specific service.
Fahnn
fahnn@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 20/9/04
I shall find out the truth
I will personally find out... from the source... why Daniella Westbrook believes she deserves to be on telly, and what's more... why people want to see her shrivelled up septumless, boxer's nose on the goggle box. All for the quite unique price of FIVE of your Earth pounds.
Cliff Bakastakimble-Thwa
paul@thedale.com
United Kingdom - 20/9/04
Toad-in-the-hole and ladybird cabaret
For £1,412.12 I will travel anywhere in the UK (including the weird islands) to cook you my truly delicious toad-in-the-hole (serves 2-3, please specify sausage preference). While you eat I will bimble about on the floor 'being' a ladybird and singing a selection of songs by artists such as Shirley Collins, Huun Huur Tu, Rob'n'Raz and Anal Cunt, periodically getting up to squirt Daddies' Ketchup onto your plate (Heinz would spoil the mood). Drop me a line for my paypal address and very soon you could be sated with lardy goodness and a world-class insectoid floorshow.
Nitrous McBread
lotofweatherwevebeenhavinglately@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 20/9/04
Just reach out and touch me.
What's the capital of Norway? What makes that do that to that other thing? Why do birds suddenly appear every time you're near? Who put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop? Those and other questions all answered on my new CD/audio tape cassette. Send literally £7 to me and I will lighten the load of your brains by providing you with solutions to all life's problems, quandries and riddles. P.S. No, I can't answer THAT one.
Gavin Snazwasm
paul@thedale.com
United Kingdom - 20/9/04
Just reach out and touch me.
If you really want me, and you think I'm sexy, come on baby send me £10 (+p&;p).
John Noakes
paul@thedale.com
United Kingdom - 20/9/04
Prank calls
I will call anyone you like and say anything you like. £8 or 3 for £20.
Gina
ginajenkins@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 20/9/04
I WILL STOP
If YOU want ME to stop, then my PRICE is that YOU stop. If YOU aren't SURE what to stop, then STOP IT ALL. Once I've seen it's all STOPPED then I will ARRANGE to STOP. Make up your mind. I may have the patience of a saint but I have the ire as well.
Michael K
michaelk@abandonallart.com
United Kingdom - 20/9/04
Flash Master
That's right! Choose from - 1. Make a ball go across the screen from right to left. 2. Make a square move up the screen. 3. I show you my bits. You decide.
Wingnut
elchooper@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 20/9/04
Please
If 1000 people paid just £5 into my paypal account you will have made me the happiest man alive.
chris
riotstar1978@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 20/9/04
GUARANTEED ANGER !!!!
Pay $5 into my paypal account and i will send you an email that will make you VERY angry !!!
gonzo
gonzo@gaiabodyart.co.uk
United Kingdom - 20/9/04
cd's up for grab
I have thousands of cd's I would like to get rid of. So this is called lucky dip, just pay £1.50 in to my paypal account and I will send you a mystery cd. Ex DJ so it could be anything. No refunds. just send payment to paypal via my email address
Andy
soundperfectuk@aol.com
United Kingdom - 19/9/04
NARROW BOAT SHIFTER
Want to move your boat but too busy, idle or scared to do it yourself? I'll shift it from anywhere to anywhere on the English/Welsh canals, excluding the tidal Trent. Let's say, what? Two hundred quid for a weeks work? Available from Christmas. Or thereabouts.
scorz
scorzonera@lycos.com
United Kingdom - 19/9/04
You need this!!!!!!
For $100.00(usd) i will put you in a camel clutch a la "The Iron Shiek". Yes, I will travel provided you pay all costs. Hurry!!!!! ACT NOW!!!
marcloredo
marcloredo@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 18/9/04
Is it time to kicks their 'asses' back?
Tired of reading angry tirades from uneducated, drunk American males? Bored of their lack of understanding and confused views on the rest of the world? Somewhat amused but ultimately saddened by the fact they are totally unaware of the dogma with which they have been smacked silly since they were farted out of their slack mother's womb? Send me £0 now and I will curse their belligerent, misguided ways, their porcine, oleaginous faces, their overbearing, imperious manner and their vulgar, vociferous, blaring voices. I will grab the nearest yank and discuss with them their bogus idea of cultural imperialism and tell him in no uncertain terms that it is really tied up with phantasmagorical notions of 'choice' and 'freedom'. I will shout; "Freedom of speech?" "Freedom of choice?" then explain that it is hiding under a mire of politically enforced dogma. They are stuck in this vortex of their own shit doctrine they've created to rob and con each other whilst smiling 'have a nice fucking day'. All you fucking yanks ever talk about is your (admittedly confused idea of) freedom and freedom of speech when all you really want to do is bully people into silence. They are a nation built upon ignorance and maintained by blind consumption. Everything you stuff into your fat super-sized faces is manufactured in impoverished countries you don't even know exist.... let alone have visited. You are the most superficially religious country on the face of this planet but your lives are the very antithesis to the Christian ethos. The world's police? Do you have love for the people living in artificial economic depression forced upon them by trade embargoes established by your corrupt government for their own political ends? The world is riddled with pollution.... global warming is a REALITY.... the USA REFUSES TO SIGN THE KYOTO TREATY. The USA is aggressively employing a policy of international imperialism. Cultural diversity is nearly a thing of the past with your support for the invasion of militarily inferior countries with resources you can usurp. You are creating a horrid, merciless and futureless world of hate and intolerance. For another £5 I will give them a Chinese burn and run away.
Jim L Fixit
paul@thedale.com
United Kingdom - 18/9/04
Eat Veal
For all you fannies and vegetarians too scared to try it, I will eat a big fuck off plate of veal every time you buy one for me, then describe it to you, tell you how nice it is and what you're missing out on etc. Photos of me eating it included. Next Week: Fois Gras.
James Love
heyjaylove@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 18/9/04
the house of wonderful
understand what you want. ill be found in the end, often in the afternoon. see me say hello. the trade is yours. your purchase will not be simple. however when you leave if the cost has been the price of footsteps and age, yours shall be the mind of knowing the when the why the what and the reasons, so this for you will be different than all exchanges of currency and distrubution that make life different through these eyes due to crack, im mee=an i'll t=pick up your slack. all i ever wanted was a clear head££££££it'll cost ya fool....
lee
thehouseofwanker@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 17/9/04
TELL IT HOW IT IS
For £5 into my paypal account, I'll give you my opinion on anything. You might not like it but I can't help how I feel. I'll kick a fluffy bunny for every bit of spam I get too. So there small knob.
Martin Dore
martingdore@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 17/9/04
Pretend to be anyone you want me to be
If you want to fool your friends, collegues or family I will take on any false identity you like. I can appear in public with you if you live inthe London area. Alibi, fake girlfriend, practical joke...anything you like for any devious purposes. Prices from £50 depending on requirements.
Gina Jenkins
ginajenkins@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 15/9/04
Circus midget loving
I will make you fall in love with a girl who will then give you nightmares about circus midgets before informing you she is still in love with her ex-boyfriend and has been generally fuc*ing you over. Cost: a weeks worth of sleepless nights
Tim
timtom@wannado.com
Isle of Man - 15/9/04
Sponsor my car
$5.00 to $10.00 donations.. motor blew.. i will give you the chance to sponser on of the fastest camaros in texas..
watchman
marcloredo@yahoo.com
United States of America - 15/9/04
high quality watches
For the price of $30.00.. I will send you a high quality Geneva watch.. shipping incld. in the usa.
watchman
marcloredo@yahoo.com
United States of America - 15/9/04
Clean up after your party
I will clean your house after your party plus go to the shops and get you all you need to combat your hangovers, plus will generally pamper any casualties back to full health, make tea etc. £20 per hour - London only
Gina
ginajenkins@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 14/9/04
Picture You!
I will make a series of pictures of you within your own favourite painting(s)* for 150 Euro, exl. filmroles & travelcosts. (photoshoot of a few hours) - Also Fantasy pictures possible! (Elves, etc...) *Meaning that you'll have a picture of yourself somehow interwined into a painting, for example; you can be a Degas ballerina! Or be part of Dali's typical environments! You take your pick! And I'll make the pics!
Denise
cestlavie_musique@hotmail.com
Netherlands - 13/9/04
House boy for sale.
I am a young male looking to travel the world... I will be your house servant in exchange for (at minimum) shelter and food, depending on what services are expected of me.
Jonny Boy
jhj460s@smsu.edu
United States of America - 12/9/04
Eat sh*t
I will eat it , any colour. Mail me Neil
Fatty
neil.hargreaves@blueyonder.co.uk
United Kingdom - 11/9/04
i will put your advert on my site
I will put any add you want onto www.DVTimes.com for a week for £50.
allan
admin@dvtimes.com
United Kingdom - 11/9/04
Brain Picker
Ever wondered why you think the way you do? For the slight fee of 10$ I will pick your bring apart by asking a series of deep-probing personal questions that may end with you sobbing on the floor in a fetal position babbling "WHY, WHY, WHY?" What makes me qualified? Inquire Within.
Tom(my)
walkbetweenthedrops@gmail.com
United States of America - 8/9/04
Make you a picture
Send me a picture of yourself or someone else, and I will make a file with MS paint of the picture you sent. All for only $2 USD.
C
orangesodapizza@yahoo.com
United States of America - 7/9/04
TRAMP 'WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?' (With £100).
If someone gives me £50, I will donate another £50, then set up two chairs outside King's Cross station. The first tramp, vagabond or pan-handler asking if I've got any spare change will be told 'I'll give you a pound if you can answer a simple general knowledge question'. The game will progress from there with the tramp able to gamble at the various stages up to £100. They will have the options of 50/50, ask the voices in their head or harass the audience (ie passers-by). I will let you know when I'm doing it so you can come along and watch if I manage to procure the necessary sponsorship.
Richard Tyrone Jones (see also below)
richardtyronejones@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 7/9/04
DRAW A PICTURE OF YOU FROM YOUR WORDS
Describe yourself in 50 words, send it to me and I will draw a picture of what I imagine you to look like from your description. This will test both the accuracy of your literary prowess and that of your self-image. Alternatively, send me a picture of yourself and I shall describe you in 50 words. I am a writer and poet who runs a writing group in North London and I have an A-Level in Art & Design, from ages ago. Special offer! I’ll do it for free. I now have a scanner so it won't take so long. Here's a quote from a satisfied customer: "there are, however, aspects of it that could, in a dim light, be said to faintly resemble my features. Thankyou"
Richard Tyrone Jones (see also below)
richardtyronejones@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 7/9/04
BECOME PART OF THE ADVENTURE WITH IAIN SINCLAIR!
Have you or your children ever read one of Iain Sinclair's interesting, informative, yet slightly trudging books and thought 'Yes! I too would like to yomp around the M25/Lea Valley/Welsh borders with the erudite paranoiac himself?' Well, now you can! Just email me your name, £50 and a bottle of tipp-ex and you will receive your very own personalised copy of an Iain Sinclair doorstop with YOUR NAME in the adventure! It will be YOU who carries round too many reference books and whose feet end up in bloody strips! It will be YOU that stops to take photos all the time that can then only be seen by buying yet another book! It will be you that ends up sounding like Iain thinks you're an amusing but scruffy anarchist troll! Ideal gift for children's birthdays. Special offer: Buy a copy of 'Rodinsky's room' by Iain Sinclair and YOURSELF and get shamelessly name-dropped all throughout London Orbital as the SOLE AUTHOR in a desperate attempt by Iain Sinclair to get readers to buy the book without realising he was singing the praises of a book he co-wrote all along.
Iain Sinclair
richardtyronejones@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 7/9/04
CUSTOM EGO DE/INFLATION
Have you lost perspective? Do you need a stern talking to or an inspiring pep talk? Are you running yourself down? Living in denial of your actual viability? Perpetuating a personal lie? For 25 US dollars via paypal or equivalent wishlisted item, I will buck you up or take the wind out of your sales, rail or regale you with the facts for a minimum of 15 minutes by phone (incurred charges are added). For 50 US dollars, i will take an in depth polar stance and let you try and justify your perspective against the deft parry of logic, philosophy, psychology, what have you-- short of outright untruth.
ethylene
ethylene@earthlink.net
United States of America - 6/9/04
SAY ANYTHING
I will say whatever you like to whomever you like or in whatever context as long as it exists within the realm of truth. Willing to adjust/customize language to whatever means necessary but will not tell an outright lie (default right to refuse to acknowledge your existence). Whether you don't want to say it, don't want to be the one to say it, don't know how to say it, or just want someone else to do it-- --for 8 US dollars via paypal, i will speak for up to 5 minutes of the subject of your choosing to the subject(s) of your choosing at the time of your choosing, or randomly in any category, with a selection of accents subject to availability, or in lack of witness provide proof by fifteen second digital video clip, burned onto disc for an additional fee. *Tell someone how you feel or how they're fired. *Why they should never wear those pants again. *Announce to a crowd that your band is getting less mediocre every day. *Prevent movie revenue of bad blockbuster movies *Tell that BMV offical they are offputting and not a little smelly. *Protest the bagel place you have to frequent for convenience. *Out yourself to distant relatives/old friends. *Complain about the service. *Tell your ex how much weight you lost making all that money having great sex. *Inform your old co workers about how much everyone is being paid and how your boss' "consultant" is from Happy Endings The mind boggles at the many options you can use to make this work for you! For 25 US dollars or equivalent information unit (CD,book, film, etc.) and phone card, extend your time to a minimum of half an hour, three topics or attempts involving C level celebrity contact. Favorable or continued contact is extra. More lengthy, detailed or complex efforts can be negotiated.
ethylene
ethylene@earthlink.net
United States of America - 5/9/04
custom doctored photos
Want a bigger penis? Would you like to see how you look with Dolly Parton's hair? How do you and Mel Brooks look as a couple? For a functioning recent copy of Photoshop for MacOSX, I will be your personal photo doctor.
sarah finn
sarahfinn@hotmail.com
United States of America - 5/9/04
realistic faux girlfriend with/or written/illustrated fantasies
Need a fake girlfriend? A minimum of fifteen hours weekly devoted to to letters, stories and pictures about your fabulous/conflicted/adventurous/bizarre/youpick relationship OR have a short graphic novel of the topic of your choice a first flat rate of item(s) chosen off various wishlists required for serious consideration (or if it's really good)
sarah finn
sarahfinn@hotmail.com
United States of America - 5/9/04
i want punishin
Ive been bad, very bad, punish me how you want, send ideas and suggestions on how to punish myself or just insult me until you think ive had enough, will send photos of me enacting your justice.
lynne
lynz89@hotmail.com
Canada - 2/9/04
peruse for free
for the princely sum of nothing I offer my services to women who may be worried about how appetising their lady-lips may look to a new suiter about to go down 'there', I offer a score of 1-10 (10 being most appetising) to help ease that nagging worry as he works his way down for the first time. I do warn though, I will be brutally honest, but may also be able to give advice on feasable improvements. ( I also to chests and faces, but as more of a sideline)
phillipe
p2bri@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/9/04
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