You Whores BUY

Christmas DVDs watched
I will watch your unwanted Christmas DVDs, and deliver 4 key sentences to use when thanking the cretin who thought you would enjoy their insipid movie choice. Send me £5, the DVD, and a short profile of your undesired benefactor. I will send a tailored report via email within 2 days of receipt.

David Barnes
captaincutshaw@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 28/12/04

fart
A 10 year aged, dry stored answer to your desire. 50 of my most moist farts, conveniently stored in a 3 litre corked glass bottle. Amaze your friends amd loved ones, gaze in disbelief and wonder at the brown residue that adorns the base of the bottle. For special occasions like weddings, award ceremonies, job interviews. Perfectly completes any mantel piece as room focal point. Also available, 2000 concentrated wet farts, neatly packaged in a 200ml aftershave bottle. This perfume will have all the girls running, guaranteed animal magnetism. (not suitable for sensitive skin or bearded men) Prices at time of publication; 50 farts = £130.50 + vat & P+P at £25.00. 2000 super concentrate = £540 + vat and free P+P.

blow me
fishface@codehot.co.uk
United Kingdom - 21/12/04

Extra Liquor?
For $1 plus travel expenses, I and two friends will come to your place and dispose of any extra liquor you have laying around. For $1 more we will invite a lot of people we don’t know and throw a party at your place. Satisfaction guaranteed or your $1 will be returned! (Sorry no refund on the party fee or travel expenses.)

Thirsty Wes
evilwes@hotmail.com
United States of America - 21/12/04

blow me
fishface@codehot.co.uk
United Kingdom - 21/12/04

Thirsty Wes
evilwes@hotmail.com
United States of America - 21/12/04

Imaginary Girlfriend
For $40 a month I will send you an email everyday letting you know how much I love you, and miss you. We can chat online a few times a week. You can let me know all about yourself and what you like and dislike to help your friends think this is the real deal. For additional charges, I can even call you on your cell phone when you wish me to. Have a a girlfriend you can dump whenever or yell at whenever you wish, no matter what you say I'll always come back for me. I am pretty flexible on what we can do. Email me if interested.

b
orangesodapizza@yahoo.com
United States of America - 20/12/04

Anything for 1 hour.
except swapping your filthy homosexual bodily fluids into my body or causing death to man or beast. Yes, anything, i will walk into a police station naked, i will shit on the floor in tesco's, i will piss on your neighbour, i will superglue your mother to a cows arse. Absolutely anything. £25,000. note. task must be complted within 1 hr. task must not include a series of tasks. 1 task per order. All travelling expenses or equipment required will be invoiced at the end of the hour and payable within 5 minutes, in addition to my 25 large which i must have up front and held by my mate til ive finished. hurry, only 3 left.

not a vessel
fishface@codehot.co.uk
United Kingdom - 17/12/04

confusion and subliminal messages
FOR SALE. Limited stock so hurry. scakjay bonjorno beanie hat cockmucnhing foo manjay.Pay me £150 by pay pal now, do it do it. for the measley sum of £1,799, i will send you a confusing email twice a day for 2005. I guarantee you will not have a fucking clue what is going on. kill yourself. rancid clogpustabile, pay pal me £5,000, do not remember anything. Buy 35000 tins of sardines in tomatoe sauce, whilst the emails will be from me, the subliminal codes will erase your entire memory and you wont have the slightest clue who you are. pay me £130 by pay pal on the first of the month. crackwhore. kill yourself.

crap man
fishface@codehot.co.uk
United Kingdom - 17/12/04

everything.
**** SALE, 99.99% OFF *** I will do absolutley everything percieveable immediately and consistently forever. I am the ultimate multi tasker. Watch me take over the universe with my ability to outdo God. Pay £23,875.62p (incl VAT and first time customer discount) to watch me do everything, i'll even do a video whilst i do it so you can watch me at your leisure. Then you and everyone you have ever met can retire as they will be nothing, at all, to do ever again. But if you want some people, who you dont like for example, to have things to do, i can make them eat your shit and live in a wheelie bin behind the corner shop. hurry while stocks last.

man with infinite ability
fishface@codehot.co.uk
United Kingdom - 17/12/04

Get Branded
Get a modern visual corporate identity and Brand Yourself! I will create a brand for you, logo and a catch phrase based on a 200 word personality brief supplied by you. Use it as you wish, make a stamp and never sign you name again! Impress the ladies with car graphics or illuminated signage touting your very self! Billboards! Pass yourself off as an multinational company and sells arms to under developed countries. Payment will be in hi-res photo's emailed to me, documenting the useage of said personal branding.

Crackwell Stewlips
futurehistory@hotmail.com
New Zealand - 14/12/04

A mile in your shoes.
For exactly $50.00 USD plus the price of shipping, I will walk exactly 1 mile (~1.6 kilometres) in your shoes. After establishing e-mail contact, you will package and ship your shoes and a money order in the amount of $50.00 plus the price of return shipping to the address I will give you. When I receive your shoes, I will walk exactly one mile in them. I will make a video document of myself walking one mile in your shoes. I will then write a one-paged (single-spaced, 12 pt. font) essay on what it was like to walk in your shoes. Upon completion, I will package and ship your shoes, a CD containing a digital copy of the video, and the essay to the return address from the original package.

Loki
hauptbeuteltier@yahoo.com
United States of America - 14/12/04

bored?
Are you bored of your life? do you have the feeling you are uninterresting? need change? well get ready to turn your life arround! for the small price of $50 a month, i will be your friend abroad. every month i will send some stories from my fabulous life! i am practically a drunk, so i love getting wasted on jack D and getting into all kinds of stupid shit. encounters with the law, girls, brawls, drugs, and car theft is some of the experiences you can enjoy with me! so dont hesitate! send me a mail and we can work someting out. for an additional $10 a moth i will send pictures. i am a 20 year old, male caucasian.

nico
oleg_alto@hotmail.com
Norway - 13/12/04

seranade you
need to feel special? For no fee I will stand outside your bedroom window and seranade you with the song of your choice. overwhelming emotion guaranteed. have own guitar

Tim
myownbadself@aol.com
United Kingdom - 12/12/04

thinking about you
If you donate money into my bank account I will be thinking about you ten minutes every day. YES! Ten entire minutes! Thank you.

Madéleine
vit_oleander89@hotmail.com
Sweden - 11/12/04

when i see you i will know the price.
i want someone hot so that i go in flames. some large tits, preferably fair. tall with them heel on.

john preston
preyea2000@yajhoo.com
Ghana - 9/12/04

For the price of a Happy Meal and a packet of Revels, I will quite happily call you during a boring date to inform you of an emergency that will call you away immediately. A physical disruption to your date (my posing as a clumsy waiter and spilling tomato soup upon you, for example) will of course mean a more substantial McDonalds meal and a multi-pack of Revels (available from Sainsburys). I am open to suggestions, and am now hiring (business is booming!).

Jimmy Two Times
latigre@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 8/12/04

Multimedia Designer
Norwegian Designer with 5 years of experience. Working for $£25 an hour. Photoshop Imageready InDesign Illustrator PHP HTML CSS

Kjell-Roger Ringstad
kjell-roger@ringstadonline.com
Norway - 6/12/04

bathroom/product designer
design and plan your bathroom/bespoke furniture products. price by Negotiation

mark graham
chippymint@mac.com
United Kingdom - 6/12/04

More Voodoo for You
For $5 plus $1 Hoodoo money, I will take your money and your wish to the wishing stump and toss it in. Traditionally, wishes are written on paper and rolled up with a dollar of hoodoo money, then thrown into the stump. I'll gladly perform this service for you. Other South Louisiana voodoo errands perfomed on request. Email me for details, and put the word Voodoo in the subject heading.

Che
che@noumenal.net
United States of America - 5/12/04

Voodoo for You
For $10 plus Hoodoo money I will make a pilgramage to the grave of Marie Laveau, voodoo queen of New Orleans, and perform the ritual of the square on your behalf, leaving your Hoodoo money on the grave, marking the grave with an X, and delivering your request to Marie Laveau. You decide the amount of Hoodoo money to be offered. Other voodoo errands performed on request - prices negotiable.

Che
che@noumenal.net
United States of America - 5/12/04

Relive your childhood/adolescence
Do you remember the good old days? When people were more civilised and wore decent clothes and respected their elders and betters. Are there moments that you have always cherished and wish to revisit? Daddy pushing you on the swings, mum holding you in her arms, Christmas by the fire, your first day of school, your last day of school, a first meeting, making love to a beautiful girl/boy. Submit a detailed description and I will recreate your most cherished memories and impersonate your loved ones. Cost: £20 for every siginificant element of the memory (+ travel and expenses). Only happy memories need apply. Only one memory at a time. If you have lots of happy memories, you can stand in the road and I will drive an HGV at you very fast, inducing your life to flash before your eyes (Cost:£200+ life insurance and HGV hire). If you have difficulty remembering happy memories I can make them up for you.

Omar
omdans@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 4/12/04

SAVE A LIFE
Can you put a price on another's life?! Well I can. Send me £100, and I promise to give up smoking today. My mortal soul is in your hands.

Smoker's cough
rootminusone@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 3/12/04

Artworker / Illustrator
For all artworking, illustration, graphic or web design needs I am your man, the more challenging and creative the better. charge of £15 per hour. please visit www.eyetooth-art.co.uk for my personal online portfolio, and get in touch if you would like to know anything more. cheers Steve

Stephen Cartwright
steve_sjbc@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/12/04

Web Designer
I am a self employed web designer running a small business working from home. My starting price for a website is £500 depending on your requirements. All enquires to sales@ra-computers.com

Christopher Lambert
chris.lambert@ra-computers.com
United Kingdom - 1/12/04

closing down sale
im closing down! im selling all of me dirt cheap! you couldnt buy cheaper filth!! my body my soul and everything remotely connected to my existence! hurry now while while stocks last! will be reopening as a dixons in 2 weeks

neil
abstractduk@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 30/11/04

Anything you want
i'll do anything you want for 300 bucks for 30 minutes...i'll do anything for u, anything to u and let u do whatever u want to me...

missy
missy69@hotmail.com
Canada - 29/11/04

anything
ill do anything for any price...just as long as its over 20 bucks. WHORES ROCK!!!!!!

andrea
cocolitomayo@hotmail.com
Canada - 29/11/04

the voice in your head...
for a small fee of £4.80 per hour I will follow very close to you and be the voice of your concience! I will add up the pros and cons of each decision and think up evil plans for you all day long! (evil laugh 20p extra per time)

kitty
eminemaholic00@aol.com
United Kingdom - 28/11/04

Be your friend
Need someone to talk with... someone who'll listen to you? Someone with sage advise, can refer you to agencies designed to help you with your specific need? Can't afford to pay over a hundred dollars an hour to a pyschologist? Particularly when they turn over your medical records to the Feds. via the "Patriot Act? The Docter takes a routine Urinalisis? I don't keep records, I forgive you like a friend would...for only $20.00 an hour. (remember,e-mails and phonecalls are stored and sifted for data...we can arrange to meet if you have something real confidential to talk about, or just get in touch and I"ll be there for You. For my Friends in the United kingdom,I'll adjust the fee and charge 2pounds less(per hour) when you have to reach me by phone, or fly across the pond for a visit. I am located in New York state(the Elmira, Corning area.) i '

Dana
imglowin2b@aol.com
United Kingdom - 27/11/04

For £10 I will take a photograph of anything in London!
With my digital camera, the best 10 shots will be yours to keep. Cars, houses, art works, items for sale or auction, people, street scenes, graffiti, street fashions, events, whatever you like. Very useful for busy people who are a bit crap with technology. See www.flain.com or email me for full details.

Cool Hunter
cool@flain.com
United Kingdom - 26/11/04

Change at the top
So you’re in a supermarket / bar / shop / nightclub / haberdashery, and you buy something for 45p. You pay the almost attractive cashier with a £10 note. They present you with your goods / drinks / hat / embroidery kit in a carrier bag. How lovely. Now for the change. They give you a fiver first, then place all manner of loose coinage on top of it. The coins go everywhere, you close your hand around it all, the paper five spot gets creased up as you try to catch shrapnel with the hand holding the bag. How rubbish. For a small fee I will accompany you on your shopping trip / night out, and remove the loose coins from on top of the fiver, and place them underneath - then give the cashier a cuff round the back of the neck and shout “Oi, coins first”. I will charge 20p per purchase, and simply take coins of this value from your change in my manoeuvre. For an extra 5p I will add a cutting insult to the end of my rant. eg: “Oi coins first...dick”. Discount for people with soft hands.

Cheekynuts Pantycake
cheekynuts@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 26/11/04

big issue
give the public a break from big issue sellers.Send me 35 pounds sterling or more i will buy the lot off him /her , they will have a big warm smile on their face as they trundle off to the pub, thus relieving the public of guilt complexes when pretending not to see them,evasive detouring, pretending not to have any change etc.Your donation would help a lot of people as well as the sellers = a double whammy!

funk
funkdom@aol.com
United Kingdom - 25/11/04

I'll laugh at your Chihuahua
For £25 I will come and laugh at your Chihuahua. I’ll giggle, titter and guffaw while pointing at it. For an extra £5 I’ll dress it up in some stupid costume and laugh even longer and louder. I’ll follow you as you walk your bug-eyed freak dog, crying with laughter, tears streaking my face as I watch its little cocktail-stick legs quicken the pace as it tries to escape. But it can’t! Oh no, there’s no escaping me, buddy. Not when you’ve paid £25. Guaranteed shame and humiliation for one of nature’s mistakes. Email me now, now, NOW! iainh@disinfo.net

Iain
iainh@disinfo.net
United Kingdom - 25/11/04

Ever dream of living like a rapper?
Well.... instead of throwing money in the air, throw some in my paypal account. I will make sure it goes to a good cause. Promise!

marc loredo
marcloredo@yahoo.com
United States of America - 23/11/04

what i would do.. .
i wouldnt tell you-but id charge for it anyway

abstractduk
abstractduk@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 23/11/04

Procrastinate no more!
Are you a lazy slob? Can't be arsed to do anything much except slouch semi-conscious on your piss-stained sofa eating chips with a six pack of Tennants at your feet and another in your vile belly as you yell cliches at Match Of The Day? Constantly putting off doing everything because you're to fat and unfit to move? Procrastinate no longer. For a very reasonable sum I will live your life for you, leaving you free to stay sofabound & comatose in your greasy pit of a living room. Yes, for a negotiated fee and access to your bank account, I will keep up your social life, pubbing and clubbing with your mates, eating in top class restaurants, playing golf or frequenting casinos. I will do your job, paying special attention to leaving dos and Christmas parties. Hell, I'll even shag your wife and/or girlfriend for you if necessary (excess may be payable, depending on age and appearance - head-sized paper bags may be required in extreme cases. However, discounts could apply for those of you with large breasted blonde partners aged between 18-30). At the end of each week, I will report back with a diary of what "you" have been getting up to, so that you can be sure that you haven't missed anything while sitting cabbage-like in your own flea-ridden stench day after day after day. Just remember, though, you will have no say in how I live your life. After all, as you haven't been bothered up until now, you can just keep schtum and let me get on with it. Rest assured I'll be living it to the max, spending your money and pleasuring myself with your women, workmates, family and friends also at your expense, selflessly freeing you up to spend your days scratching your sweaty balls in front of reruns of Trisha and Sally Jessy Raphael. Don't delay, mail today for a free quote. (Please enclose nude pictures of spouses/partners for accurate appraisal and current bank/credit card statement).

auawsha
auwasha@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 23/11/04

i will keep your tv company company
spend hours boozing snorting coke and bullshiting prolifically about your wilting cock as i take control and mind your sad neglected over budgeted tv company for 10 years of your directors salary.

abstractduk
abstractduk@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 22/11/04

road resurfacing
for 20,000 a friend and myself will develop and distribute a chewing gum worthy of resurfacing londons shitty roads, the gum will be called"tarmac" and will provided londons roads with a more bouncy liquorice tasting road system.

abstractduk
abstractduk@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 22/11/04

i will watch your tv for peanuts
i will keep your tv company and keep it safe from harm for a reasonable amount of peanuts for my elephant.

abstractduk
abstractduk@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 22/11/04

i will rev my engine for banana skins
i will, at specified times and places ride my very noisy honda 1000cc motorcycle past your house blocking any offensive noise pollution you are already suffering from. . i do drive bys or sitting by the kerb,,at traffic lights and am open for commisions. . .

abstractduk
abstractduk@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 22/11/04

Free up those wasted hours...
Sick of wasting hours in dull, unproductive meetings at work? Wouldn't you prefer to be at home watching daytime TV and sipping on the cocktail of your choice? Never again do you need to watch those precious minutes tick away as you sit listlessly in your seat at the far end of the table half-listening to your colleagues prattle on about sales figures, KPIs and monthly targets. For the very reasonable sum of £137.14 per appointment, I will attend your meeting for you, answer questions and update company directors on your incredible business related achievements, leaving you free to stay in bed, dance barefoot through a field of daisies or do whatever your little heart desires! Never again will you be required to suffer boardroom tedium. Never again will you have to listen to your team discuss the tawdry day-to-day trivia of their pathetic, pointless lives. You know it makes sense! Bookings can be extended to weekly, monthly, annual or full working life. Please email for price list.

auawsha
auawsha@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 22/11/04

Say goodbye to that feeling of remorse
Tired of being a drunken bore when out on the town with your family and/or friends? Fed up with waking in the morning to find yourself lying semi-naked in the bath, soaked with your own vomit, unspeakably hung over and vowing never to drink again? Never fear, your days of alcohol induced misery are over! For the relatively small sum of £214.68, I will accompany you on your evening out and subtly drink your intoxicating beverages in your stead, leaving you free to be intellectual, witty, charming, thoughtful and, of course, completely sober. In short you will remain wonderful company for the duration of the evening, the very life and soul of the party, while I degenerate into a loud, overbearing drunk with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. You will shine by comparision. Watch as I yell incomprehensible offensive gibberish in answer to perfectly reasonable enquiries into my job or well-being at the same time as you host a most fulfilling conversation on the use of metaphor in the later work of Edward Burne-Jones. See me fall paralytic to the floor as you make a play for the attractive blonde at the bar with cool, casual witticisms. Clutch her to your manly chest as I retch obliviously into the handbag of a nearby stranger then deny that you know me but prove how chivalrous and gallant you are by putting me in a cab and sending me home, leaving you free to get the girl and admiration of your nearest and dearest. London area only, Friday and Saturday nights preferred. Can provide a concurrent service for friends or partners, please email for quote.

auawsha
auawsha@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 22/11/04

Anything you can do - I can do better
Think you're the best at something. Well you're not. I do it better! Tell me any of your achievements and I will claim to have done better. Or maybe even one of your friends/enemies thinks they have done well. Send me their achievement and I will claim to have done better. My smug and arrogant tone will provide all the proof necessary that I have indeed done better, and having already achieved such greatness I will refuse to enter into any competition to prove myself. I can do this for the very small fee of £2 per email and £10 per phonecall/fax. No claim is too audacious for me to make - I have done everything better than you.

Master
icandoit@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 20/11/04

genuine treehouse.
for a short period only, this offer is a special price of just £12.79. Yes! For this I will build you a genuine treehouse out of lego and bubble gum (WARNING: LIMITED WEATHER PROOF)

Luke
Luke@noadress.com
United Kingdom - 20/11/04

Graphic Design / Artworker
Available for freelance work from home, day price £130. P/h £30. Experiance using Adobe CS, Quark. Leaflet and Stationary design.

Duncan Ruby
coloursense@btinternet.com
United Kingdom - 20/11/04

anything
just ask and you shall recieve.the first times free

kobain
whipawhip@yahoo.com
United States of America - 19/11/04

Need a GBF?
Every girl needs a GBF (gay best friend... obviously), it's, like the ultimate fashion accessory... anyway, for the reasonable sum of £30/week, I will be your dedicated GBF!

Matt
m.walton@mgt.hull.ac.uk
United Kingdom - 18/11/04

Listen To Me
Listen to me. For £50, you can listen to me talk about random things. You name the subject, I'll spill the beans on it, but only the good stuff, believe me. And I'll say it all in an authoritative newsreader voice, so you'll automatically believe everything I say. Friday and Saturday nights, I do a special deal: for just £10, I'll drink cheap cider and ramble incoherently about other stuff. Shop around - you won't beat that price.

Fahnn
fahnn@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/11/04

SOMETHING USEFUL FOR A CHANGE!
QUALITY DESIGN FOR THE MASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sick of wanker design types in square-rimmed glasses, drinking expensive lager and generally looking like tossers, making loads of money while you graft hard for no reward? Well I f**ckin' am! So in a selfless act of near-charity I'm offering my consumate illustration skills to you, "The Masses" Seeing that Xmas is fast approaching (for a limited time only mind!) Send me a decent photo and I will turn it into an illustration for the knock down price of just £20! yes just £20!! samples available on request! Satisfaction guarenteed! This is a genuine offer, get professional illustrations for a steal!!! Perfect Xmas gift!!!

Nik Cannon
nikjcannon@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 15/11/04

Sexual Encounters
Will offer quick advice at any time of day or night regarding sexual encounters. If in the past you have had awkward sexual encounters you already know that you need me. I can help you for the low price of US$10 per advice accepted and used. Additional advice can be given for US$5, but only if it relates to the same encounter.

Andrew
android1969@hotmail.com
South Africa - 11/11/04

I'll Tell You What Your Problem Is
Do you have an idea? A script? A lyric? A scheme? A novel? A proposal? An essay? A chord sequence? A sketch for an etching? It's not quite there. You know it. I know it. But you don't know why. I do, however. Email it to me, describe it, or lay it on my doorstep. I'll identify its fatal flaw and stop everyone laughing at you if you let it out into the world as is. It'll cost you, mind.

Bruno
drb@lnreview.co.uk
United Kingdom - 10/11/04

Wine Alleviator
Too much wine? Then call Wine Alleviator, qualified to bring forth the muses since 1986. No job too large, all areas covered and overseas work considered. Maybe the reps gave you far too much mid-range supermarket claret this year, perhaps a relative has died leaving a dynamite cellar which needs clearing for a house sale? Well look no further. Will work for lodgings during contract duration, all forms of outbuilding are acceptable, and gutters would be considered for blue chip clients.

Steve Hanson
steven.hanson@virgin.net
United Kingdom - 9/11/04

Female fart gas in a jar wanted
Make money from your waste! I want to buy foul smelling female fart gas in a jar. Price negotiable.

Alistair
sootikin@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 7/11/04

my failure
I can tell you how i failed so you dont do the same mistake. In Love and in Professional activities. Price neg.

miss charlotte
lottolita@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/11/04

love
For sale "immaginary car" new and unused, unbeleivably fast and safe,if you want can be a convertible,limo or even an estate car for those window shopping trips.Park it literally anywhere,very economical,even the tree huggers will love it. Only $100 please no tyre kickers or test pilots. Paypal me the money and i will make up something for you.

Markie Boo Boo
mark182thompson@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 1/11/04

Will email you and call you names
I will email you everyday and call you names either good or bad for 3 months. All I ask is $30 for my services. Everyday you can wake up and have an email from me either poking fun of or idolizing you, your choice.

B
ornagesodapizza@yahoo.com
United States of America - 31/10/04

I have ANYTHING you want
From Houston, Texas I can do anything AND everything you want to see or do. I can say or write anything you want to hear or read. Pricing is negotiable according to what I get to do for you, when you want it, the danger it puts me in and what I may get out of it. If another organism is necessary, please add 25% per human, 50% for other mammals. I exclude plant life due to my respect for the environment. You shall be solely responsible for all costs including, but not limited to, travel, room & board, operating expenses, insurance and any medical costs incurred. Can't wait to hear from you.

Dave
texans_goforit@yahoo.com
United States of America - 31/10/04

be your friend in Seattle
Coming to the Pacific Northwest? Wish you had a friend here who could tell you all about everything, show you the good stuff and not get ripped off? I will be your friend for $5 per conversation. Tour guide services are charged a sliding scale. Visit Ice Caves, climb a bit of Mt. Rainier, swim in Soap Lake, festivals, cheap eats, places to stay on a budget.

Tom
ycart4@hotmail.com
United States of America - 29/10/04

Novel appearance?
I will insert you into the pages of the novel I am writing. The novel is a serious proposition, on which I am collaborating with a London literary agency, speaking as a published author. For £100 I will simply insert your name into the existing novel framework - there are both male and female characters. However, if you want the character to say specific dialogue, behave in a certain way or indeed have a particular appearance, more will need to be paid. If in advance of this commission you would like to read the novel so far that would be possible. Perhaps you will identify a character you would like to be.

JH
worldwidelie@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 29/10/04

Silent Robert De Niro Impressions
For £5 plus travel and subsistence costs I will perform, for you and 3 others, a silent Robert de Niro impression.

Daniel Leach
dannyjleach@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 29/10/04

relax and be stroked
soft stroking of skin - the ultimate way to relax - just lie back and let me softly caress your skin til you fall asleep.

Clarky
mogginsmum@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 29/10/04

Dulcet Tones
My well educated voice is as rich and smooth as chocolate sauce with a deep, gravelly nuance - you'll be melting into the pillow... An unexpected midnight phone call - I'll surprise you with a sleepy goodnight on any one night out of seven - £1/minute £2 a minute for a story of your choice or I can chose an appropriate tale for you with convincing comedy or serious character voices. £50 a day to be your pretend girlfriend - I'll send you a photo and a beautifully hand written letter a week. I'll call you twice a day (work or on your mobile)and send 5-10 text messages declaring whatever you fancy - loving nicities or downright filthy smut. For an extra charge I'll even turn up and do sunday lunch with your parents in my sunday best or come out and drink pints with your mates and discuss football. I can be whatever you want me to be. Any voice work also on sale - if it can be voiced, I'll say it to anyone. Wind up your boss with a sultry phone call, get your mates going with a girl who got their number last week when she saw them in that club... the possibilities are endless.

Clarky
mogginsmum@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 29/10/04

world class treehouse
Special Internet Offer of £5. for a mere fiver i'll build you a treehouse out of twiglets and masking tape WARNING: Limited Weatherproof.

Luke
Lovetoherlips@aol.com
United Kingdom - 28/10/04

Black Star
I'll recommend your ad for a black star in return of you recommending this ad.

RK
prvoke@hotmail.com
France - 28/10/04

Anything
I'll do anything for money. If you have anything for me to do contact me at

richard
prvoke@hotmail.com
France - 28/10/04

buy yourself a tantalising insight into my life!
simply by duplicating every single text message i send to someone else and then sending it to you, you are guaranteed an intriguing glimpse into the life of a normal 30 year old male. imagine the thrill of piecing together a stranger's life from frankly tedious messages such as "ok", "fancy a pint?" " and the classic "have you left yet?" all you have to do is pay for the extra text messages! (i've got a contract phone, so i can just text you what you owe at the end of each month.)

Tim
tim@baltik.co.uk
United Kingdom - 28/10/04

Chav girls - I will raise your social standing.
Are you a chav girl? Do you wear Burberry and LaCoste without irony? Is a Vauxhall Nova your dream car? For a nominal fee (or sexual favours - at my discretion) I will guide you in such matters as dress, deportment, language and superior bearing. Your own personal finishing school (correspondence courses available). Results guaranteed. Be able to walk through a shopping mall with you head held high and your step proud.

Dead Posh Drew
acey_72@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 28/10/04

Rid you of Minge Weasels
Can't get rid of unsightly Minge Weasels? For only 20 quid plus airfare and a bagel I will perform a weasel-ectomy with just a crowbar and a blow torch. Warning - patients may later require services of a cosmetic surgeon. At your own risk.

Matt
deliriumuk@yahoo.com
Malaysia - 28/10/04

Sunny Day Gigilo Service
Our whores are fat, but at least they're happy!

R.J.
arj-a@lycos.com
United States of America - 27/10/04

Punch you in the face
I will Punch You In The Face For Five Dollars.

john
rocez@hotmail.com
United States of America - 27/10/04

Need a friendly reminder?
For only $30 for 3 months I will send you a friendly email everyday just to get your spirits going. Telling you just how nice you are and how much you are needed in this big world. Or if you need me to email you to remind you whatever your needs, for $15 for 3 months I can send you an email the day before and a few hours before you need to go to an appointmet, doctors office, important meeting, study for an exam, etc.

B
orangesodapizza@yahoo.com
United States of America - 26/10/04

I will make you famous!
For the small price of £1 donated to my PayPal account (godrocksmysoul@yahoo.co.uk) I will undertake to insure that millions of people know your name and whatever other details you want (e.g. a picture of you so people will recognise you in the street). To do this I will post your information to every newsgroup on usenet and thousands of other forums and websites using powerful software I've developed. Millions of people the world over will know your name - you will be famous (think how easy restraunt reservations will be now) and all for only £1. This is the chance of a lifetime - don't let it slip away!

Reverend James
godrocksmysoul@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 26/10/04

Wrap an unusually shaped present for you.
For the cost of postage and wrapping paper, I will wrap an unusually shaped present for you. Note - you will need to supply the unusually shaped present.

Nick
info@theperfectpad.co.uk
United Kingdom - 26/10/04

Is there someone you want destroyed?
Socially or emotionally, it's not bother. Just a few details and I'll get to work. Go in Christ.

Glyn
glynyfaron2000@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 25/10/04

People in Minneapolis for a laugh
I will drink out of a minneapolis public toilet to give someone a laugh. if interested, email me. only serious applicants please. Picture taking is welcome.

toilet cleaner
brass_dragonfly@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 24/10/04

i wanna be a spaceman
hello i wanna be a spaceman here is my web page about it and how you can donate www.steveadamsinspace.moonfruit.com i also have a non space site which you can send dosh to www.steveadams.moonfruit.com lots of love steve

steve adams
s.adams2@talk21.com
United Kingdom - 23/10/04

Bitch for a day
For the small sum of £1.00 i am prepared to be your bitch for a day. For more information just contact me - I'll be waiting...

MItch
mitchteaser@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 21/10/04

Need a private and discrete location
Are you looking for a discrete and private place to meet up with a special person? Rent a room in our clean, comfortable house for £20 per hour. Clean bedding and discretion assured.

Simon & Lyn
simlyn@bombaysaphire.freeserve.co.uk
United Kingdom - 19/10/04

Astrologer and Cook
Want your chart read by a professional astrologer who's also been teaching the subject for 12 years? Face to face session in London £80 (2 hour consult incl tape) Want some fantastic food catered for your course or dinner party? Weird diets and veggie stuff a speciality but can/will cook anything. £10-£20 per head depending on numbers & menu.

Kim Farley
kfarley@onetel.com
United Kingdom - 19/10/04

Scare your monkey.
You got a monkey that needs to be scared? Look no further, 'cause I'm your man! I'll scare any kind of monkey (though no apes, including the naked beach kind, or seamonkeys) for as many times as you want and for as long as you want! I'll scare them crazy, shitless, wierd and/or senseless. I'll scare them back to lemur state or into christians. All this for the cheapo price of 10$ per hour! So go ahead, book your monkey scaring today. What are you waiting for!

Puff
puff@lackaur.com
Sweden - 18/10/04

Films
Serious money offered to suitable women willing to be filmed igniting their fart gas. No nudity will be required. E-mail for further information.

Edward Hyde
edward@eh9999.freeserve.co.uk
United Kingdom - 18/10/04

Rat Sitting.
I will pay £20 to the first woman who is willing to sit on a live rat for 30 minutes. Candidates must weigh over 10 stones (140 lbs) in case the rat throws them off and escapes. Edward.

Edward Hyde
edward@eh9999.freeserve.co.uk
United Kingdom - 18/10/04

Arch nemesis
Hey, you have'nt done anything to me, and so far me and you have a blank emotional connection, but for the reasonable price of £100, I will become your sworn mortal enemy. This service will include verbal physical and mental abuse, matriachal insults, and attempts on your life, and will only stop when you choose and pay me a second £100 pounds. Some people need that kind of hatred before they can really shine, and if that person is you, then I am your man!! Love Josh

Josh
josh@bolshaband.com
United Kingdom - 18/10/04

HAPPY TO HELP
For £500 I will come round to your house and skin up for you. I will also make you tea and toast, with the topping of your choice, for you. I will go to the shop and get you Rizlas and crisps. If you are female, for an extra £50 + 4 cans of GOOD lager, I will go down on you. If you are shaved, just the beers. Hope to hear from you. J.

jimma
james179@mail.com
United Kingdom - 15/10/04

LUCKY Poo
back in the 90s i played in a 2nd rate britpop band: whilst on tour supporting BLUR in Malmo I managed to pick up a chubby but sexy swedish scrubber by the name of kristinne and take her back to the Aldsund motel... the only thing bigger than her arse was the bed i was nailing her on. Whilst banging it in from behind the palms of my artistic hands flattened on her gigantic buttocks thus parting them and revealing to me a semi-liberated turd, a turtles head if you like? my cock shrunk back to it's maggotty size and i ran from the room screaming. when i returned the fat arsed sexy filthy swedish scrubber had scarpered but she had me a present. curled up in the lavatory was the turd. i fished it out with a plastic tampon bag to show to the boys the next day. i became fond of that turd and have kept it in the freezer all these years, it has brought a lot of luck and i now feel its time to sell. bids start at £20 and the buy it now price is £56... good luck and happy bidding ;)

danny
dupshaw@emimusic.com
United Kingdom - 15/10/04

My good vibes
For the handsome sum of £20, i will direct my positive aura in your general direction for approx 10 mins a day for a week, should be enough for you to get laid or maybe find a mars bar on the street

Elmo
matt_the_daddy@ntlworld.com
United Kingdom - 15/10/04

For sale: My Reverence
BNIB! Send postal order for £50.00 to 166 HAGLEY ROAD, BIRMINGHAM, WEST MIDLANDS B16 9NZ Send SASE and 8.5" x 11" photograph in intelligent looking pose. I guarantee to think how very very smart and cool you are at least once per day for 3 months.

Royal Foxbridge
webmaster@webmaster.com
United Kingdom - 14/10/04

Sunday Breakfast For River City Omnibus & A Smoke
I'll cook Indian style spicey scrambled eggs on toast (with fresh chili, fresh ginger and fresh coriander) for your Sunday breakfast - for maximum of two people - in exchange for watching the River City omnibus on yer tele and a smoke on yer finest. Must be within a 30 minute walk from Leith though. My tele's bust and my mate plays a gay Edinburgh gangster on River City. Hey ho.

Kev
rebelinc@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 13/10/04

I will share
My ss secrets for only $1.000.000,00 Bonus - Milk.exe and AttachWhenDead.exe

Milk-Man
milk@hot.com
Brazil - 13/10/04

shit i need money! £5000
please help me i'm skint, ex and kids took the lot, new bird scarpered when i hit rock bottom, ex now dating a freakin' cop. i'm 43 and losing it

harry moon
harrymoonbeam@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 13/10/04

short cable
I will quote forward cable to ungrateful customers for next to nothing and then get sacked next week

newt
newt@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 13/10/04

will kiss madonna's ass for only US$500,000
...cunt included. (email me if u know madonna or anyone of you who could lead me to her)

Trebla
x0_0xx0_0xx0_0x@yahoo.com
Canada - 13/10/04

Coins
Genuine £1 coins.. only £5 each! or buy 10 for £40! BARGAIN!

Andy
all_guitars_suck@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 13/10/04

i won't do anything worth while. Watch me waste space!
i will sit around and moan about the state of our country while claiming dole in two different names. this money will then be invested in a local bookmakers. while moaning about the state of my country, i will on occaisonstop and moan about other countries, and about how they are ruining ours. CAUTION: anyone who is not white, has a job, some degree of education, or some common fucking sense may not appreciate this.

neil
friendless@blameless.com
United Kingdom - 13/10/04

Jefferson Hack - Low Rates!
You all know me, I'm the one dumped by Kate Moss for being too average looking to contend with her beautiful world. I will do anything you want for a line of cocaine. Anything.

Jefferson Hack
jefferson.hack@confused.co.uk
United Kingdom - 12/10/04

Make you look hard
For £20 and the price of my return train fare (if necessary), I will be the unpleasant bystander who insults you/the girl you are taking out. You can then attack and overpower me (no permanent damage please), and show your lady what a masterful, hunk of a man you really are.

sexy boy
smega1983@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 12/10/04

cats annoying?
cats constantly shitting on your lawn??? for absolutely no charge i will bring my greyhound to your house to eat any cat that is shitting on your lawn!!!

van kshaften
arse@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 12/10/04

My soul for a dollar..
I will sell you, the lucky recipient, my soul.. On payment you will get a signed document certifying the ownership of my soul. I don't care what you do with it.. trade it for crack, show your friends, even feed it to your dog.. P.S. i am a vegetarian so like i have good Karma.

gio
xXgioXx@gmail.com
United Kingdom - 12/10/04

Vote in the US presidential election
Stop whining about how you WISH you could vote in the US presidential election, and actually DO it! I am a US citizen living in London. I will let you fill out my mail-in ballot and witness me signing it and dropping it in the post. They say that in politics, money talks. What's your best offer?

George W. Kerry
democracyforsale@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 12/10/04

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