FREE SEXUAL GRATIFICATION
Accepting offers in the region of £2,000 for bags of dog dirt. Will supply specific breeds if required. No wine tasters.
Sam
likely@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 18/4/04
Everything you ever wanted
For this week only and at the grandslam price of $17.99 you get everything. Note: buyer is responsible for transportation of everything.
Mr Victor Lustig
doctortrust@hotmail.com
New Zealand - 18/4/04
Troubadour
For eighteen quid I will entertain your guests with six hours of twelfth-century French ribaldry. Another twelve pounds and I'll shave off my dreadlocks before I perorm.
Ben Lumsden
benlumsden@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/4/04
Mr J Biscuit
Mr Biscuit is now on the market. You should be aware that he is now sans bonce thanks to Graham but he does come with a complimentary flagon of aching leg gel. Note: The 'J' is for Judas. 9 Bucks.
Leeroy Boulton
Leeroy@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/4/04
I will pimp my friends! For YOU!
Groomed, various ages/sexual preferences/sizes. All easy! I will relentlessly match-make after only 2-3 pints. Will convince you that they are your long lost soul mate and gagging to hook up/copulate/give your life meaning. Shorts also accepted.
d
thewhitemarble@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 15/4/04
Typos
I'm willing to sell all the typos from the previous article plus a spare wing mirror for natalie. 5 earth ponunds. no time wasters
almundy
alexandersevans@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 15/4/04
Natalie
...YOu, yes you to could own your very own Natalie. Slightly warn round the edges but a fairly comfortable model, needs some acre and attention but nothing a good wash wouldn't sort out. a fair few careful owners and really it is difficult to tell she's an early 70's edition. THe cost I hear you Cry?? 2 million quid. hey she'd kill me if i flogged her for less.
almundy
alexandersevans@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 15/4/04
Read Your Submisson
For 10£ I will read the submssion you made to youwhores.com. Even the long ones.
Oliver Green
revilonerg@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 15/4/04
Want to stop biting your finger nails?
Then why not bite mine instead! Just £3.50 gets you 10 freshly trimmed nail clippings, washed and ready for your chewing pleasure. No time wasters please.
Monkey Fighter
wankinasock@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 14/4/04
Your Pants My Arse
For a fish and chip supper I will wear your underwear and pretend to enjoy it. (Payment in advance including full set of condiments. No time wasters. No knitted items due to wool allergy.)
Fred
playslave@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 13/4/04
will draw one panel comic strips on anything!
Amature cartoonist and writer with poor grammer and large unusual sence of humor is willing to draw, caption, and perhaps even color up to 4 one panel comic strips on absolutly anything. I will charge according to the surface on which I am drawing. for example. paper= 12 pents the Canadian forign leagion 78 euros. let me know what you want.
Rod Torkalson
psclibi@yahoo.com
United States of America - 12/4/04
Jesus
My friend, Dan Poxon, is the son of god. I'll sell him to you for £50. He looks cuban and likes to smoke draw.
Oli
give_me_polos_or_give_me_death@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 12/4/04
Beef Smash.
Beef dun sell sum Beef and smash. Were is the Beef. Beef. Haha. Beef.
Frankenbeef
beef@smash.hash
Romania - 10/4/04
An Idea for a Musical.
I'll sell you my idea for a musical, as I haven't got the funds to do it properly myself. It's called "The Boy Who Santa Forgot", and an orphan called John Goodman lives with a really bad foster family who for no real narrative reason breed owls. They don't let him have no christmas. But when he's eight, he's moved to a better home... after being diagnosed with a terrible cancer. However, on Christmas Eve of the first (and probably last) Christmas he will enjoy, Santa gives Tim seven Christmases all in one - he is cured! On Christmas Day little Bob gets a new bike. And cancer. He's just unlucky. For £15 I'll email you the script outline and bequeath to you its intellectual property with some sort of certificate and etc. You can do the music and lyrics.
Thomas Taylor
thechaosproject@postmaster.co.uk
United Kingdom - 10/4/04
I WILL SELL MY TALENT.
Hello, I am a writer in central england who is tired of crafting prose. I would like to sell my not inconsiderable talents to you for the sum of £1,200, so that I may spend it on indulging myself in my hobby of playing retro games. I first plan to buy a Pacman arcade cabinet. My highscore on Pacman in the arcade is 540. I once spent £740 playing pacman in just one night.
Robert Westwood
maxx_firestar@postmaster.co.uk
United Kingdom - 10/4/04
ya mum
ya mum needs help? i can help
Ya Father
yafther@hotmail.com
Bhutan - 8/4/04
I pledge to give each homeless person in Britain a rifle
For the honest sum of £5,000,000 (plus a constant supply of air fresheners), I will personally find every single homeless person in the United Kingdom, and I will give that man or woman a rifle. Or a machine gun if I run out of rifles. I assure you that this will help to reduce the levels of crime, due to an increase in the death rate. Just e-mail me for further details. :)
Thing in a Book
thinginabook@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 7/4/04
Flat stairs for your Bungalow
I will build and fully fit flat stairs for your bungalow. Stairs made from MDF for quality. Bannister optional. Phone someone for a quote.
Bungle Low
bunglelow@bungalow.co.uk
United Kingdom - 7/4/04
Refunds
For £20 only you can have a refund. Hurry While stocks last!
Selery Crinklecutter
scutter@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 7/4/04
Luck
I have lots of luck and now you can too. For One Pound you can have 2 centimetres of luck. It'll be waiting for you on your doormat in the morning along with your post.
Barnaby Slicebottom
bsbottom@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 7/4/04
i will be confused for cash.
if you're stupid, but want to know what its like to baffle someone with your intellect, then pay me money (the stuff that you swap for things in shops) and i guarantee i will be confused by you. amaze your friends (the people you go to the pub/dole office with) and confuse. . .well, me. hourly rates apply.
timmy
timmy@baffleme.co.uk
United Kingdom - 7/4/04
i will upgrade your pet.
i am willing to spend an inordinate amount of time and money on upgrading your pet. ever wondered what Fluffy would look like with tank tracks instead of those poorly designed kitten-legs? ever dreamed of an amphibious gerbil-boat? i can make your dreams come true. service provided free of charge (except for parts and labour). a satisfied customer writes: 'my pet hamster Terry was SO run of the mill before he got an upgrade. . .now he's got a seven foot jawline and really big teeth. like a leopard. or a shark or something.'
doug
doug@tiemekangaroodown.com
United Kingdom - 7/4/04
fed up of hoisting your OWN petard?.
then call me, the Petard Prince. for a small fee (generally around £1.86 per kilogram hoisted), i will hoist you by my very own personal petard. one size fits all. (price shown does not include travel expenses. All petards hoisted at owners risk. The Petard Prince accepts no responsibility for any damage incurred to petards during hoisting.) special deal today only: hatches battened down free of charge!
The Petard Prince
thepetardprince@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 7/4/04
i will fight your life force to the death!
for the princely sum of £4.73 (excluding any taxes i may see fit to levy) and a sandwich (cheese is best, but will settle for egg - wholemeal bread only, please: no white bread timewasters) i will pit my chakra against yours in a battle to the death. should your chakra win, i will allow you to upgrade using parts cannabalised from my lifeless life-force. anything goes except biting and aura cleansing. priests need not apply.
captain croesus
croesus@mammon.co.uk
United Kingdom - 7/4/04
ACHTUNG!
Drugs for sale, reasonable prices, London area. Delivery service available.
poypyl
thomasbristow@blueyonder.com
United Kingdom - 7/4/04
Eternal life and mortal power
I will grant you eternal life and mortal power in exchange for your soul. This will require your participation at a ritual during which I will eat your soul from your living body. Conditions: -I accept no responsibility for the outcome of this deal. -No refunds.
Monoclave Dimitrius
monoclavedimitrius@aol.com
Isle of Man - 7/4/04
Annoying phone call
I promise that for simply saying something slightly uncomplimentary about me, I will constantly telephone you, your work colleagues, your close family, people that have names similar to you and your pets and write articles about you all over the web. Does exactly what it says on the tin
Annoying fella
ukw@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 7/4/04
Personal Dirty Love Song--Cheep
Have you ever wanted someone to just get right to it and talk dirty to you, without even knowing you at all? Have you ever wanted someone to write you a song, and sing it to you as something special, intended only for you but perhaps overheard by the over-curious people downstairs? Have you ever wanted these two things together? As an accomplished, though thoroughly unknown, independent folk-rock troubadour, I can offer these two things together, for a very reasonable price. Hell, I will even record it to minidisc and give it to you. That's right, a completely dirty and mostly impersonal raunchy love song for you and only you. You tell me four elements you want worked into the lyrics, and I will spread the erotic revolution by providing the rest. I can assume a variety of musical poses, from melancholic despero-futuro-rock to old-time country and bluegrass, to funk-tinged roots rock. Hip-hop, not so much, but they're already talking dirty to you. For those in Seoul and the surrounding area only. 20,000 Korean Won, tho price is negotiable.
vic
steelevic@hotmail.com
Korea South - 6/4/04
I'll sell your dreams, $2 US
any dream you conjur, i'll vend it. including hers:
krittle
kettle33@yahoo.com
United States of America - 6/4/04
(((((((((((MY DREAMS FOR THE FUTURE)))))))))))
MY DREAMS OF THE FUTURE CAN BE ALL YOUR FOR 5,000.00 usd one dream is to be an expat i can not tell you them all that would ruin the surprise!!!!!!!!
portholeaccel
portholeaccel@porthole-accelerator.org
United States of America - 6/4/04
TV Programme Ideas
I will submit reality tv/makeover/house selling/quiz show crossover programme ideas to commisioning editors at all terrestrial TV channels at the rate of £10 per submission. Oh alright you drive a hard bargain, £5.
Mike P-J
mikepj@mac.com
United Kingdom - 6/4/04
democratically hands down
Will relinquish my democratic right to a vote in exchange for a criminally acountable government. The transaction constitutes this; party politics remains it's ideologically blurred yet obstensively corporate servile self whilst gaining the self enacted function of the electorate. Through this simple act that is consistant with all modern political forms of participation, all known political "aspirationals" will imprison themselves justly and sincerely and hence forth enter he house of lords in the full knowledge they have served their state to the fullest.
tommy dlr
dannylarue@dlr-org.co.uk
United Kingdom - 6/4/04
We will rehearse in front of your audience...
...for the huge amount of $10.000 (that's TEN THOUSAND US DOLLARS!). We're sure only music-nerds will like it, so we will scare everyone away! Book us to finish your party with a BANG...
Lawlessness
lawlessness@home.nl
Netherlands - 6/4/04
Demand World Peace
the positive void will for the sum of $25,000 [in a sturdy wooden chest] under cover of darkness attach no less than 25 AA style pointer plackards bearing the slogan "Demand World Peace" to the railings at Downing Street before being wisked away to the high security police station at Paddington Green for questioning
Positive Void Communications
pvc@positivevoid.co.uk
United Kingdom - 6/4/04
Ignore You
For the sum of £1,000 000. One MILLION pounds! I will ignore you.
Hector the Hero
monkeyshaver2003@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 6/4/04
I'll pound you good...
...with Bible quotes! $30 per quote obo. I sound just like God.
Throatbiter Nukehammer
brutalfortune@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/4/04
buck mcfuck
I sex you in the right place good for right money
tonypoland
comeonfeet@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/4/04
FUCK YOU UP - NO CHARGE!
I will fuck you right up. Give you a right good shoeing. Just give me the time and the place and I will kick your ass. No charge!
balls nasty
notonyourlife@nowhere.com
United Kingdom - 6/4/04
Suicide show
I will kill myself by slashing my arms with a large sharp knife for your pleasure in return for a payment - on your behalf - of £55, to my greiving mother.
Rimbauld Lancaster III
gigawattboy@hotmail.com
Angola - 6/4/04
Become part of my dastardly scheme
I will fake my own death in your presence in return for you testifying (to anyone who asks) that I am indeed dead and that you dissolved my body in quicklime at the back of your garden. The quicklime bed will be created by my cohorts at no extra charge, although ownership of what is in my view a sufficiently large and out-of-sight garden is a condition of the deal. You will also be invited to the party I will arrange from behind the scenes at which the surprise guest will be none other than me, returning from the dead in spectacular fashion. As a result, people who disrespected me in life will miraculously come to value me a lot more. I hope.
Zippy
tb23@sussex.ac.uk
United Kingdom - 6/4/04
Recordings for sale
The hair around my genital area has been removed by my having had gaffer tape applied to these areas then immediately ripped off, whereupon these most sensitized soft parts were skinned using ice and finally splashed with cheap after-shave. The article for sale, at the measly cost of your sending me one photograph of your girlfriend (in optional state of dress and decency), is a taped sound recording of this event. The recording lasts from the point at which the gaffer tape was applied to five seconds after the splashing of the after-shave.
Adam Grice
piratejake@blueyonder.co.uk
Wallis & Futana Is - 6/4/04
Your freedom...
For a blowjob.
Johnny
jon_krisskross@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/4/04
Disrespek-up the firm
For fifty pee I will come by nite to write my name all over the outside of your house like a rude-boy, then continue down your street writing on all the green boxes before finishing off by drawing a big walrus on the side of the chip shop before getting on the train and passing out drunk.
RAE
tobybenedetto@aol.com
United Kingdom - 6/4/04
Fair dinkum
Will fuck in exchange for sex.
The Rapping Shoe
therappingshoe@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/4/04
Imagine your death
Internationally published British novelist will send you a detailed and vividly imagined fictional description of your own death. You can specify the nature of your death in detail, or leave it up to me - the choice is yours. Email your requirements (including details about yourself and optionally photographs), and I will respond with details of your imagined death within two weeks. Price is either GBP 20 or your most treasured possession.
Memento Mori
deathscene@beer.com
United Kingdom - 6/4/04
picture this
I will draw you an anatomically inexact and frankly unconvincing picture of a horse, shape (fat, thin) and colour to be decided by you. Payment will consist only of having my other hand held for the duration of the drawing.
Tiepolino
paradisterrestre@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/4/04
Boring on about God's Cock
I will give a splenetic appraisal of the Gibson film, which I haven't seen, followed by a weird tangential statement about the dead christ's bonheur. Price £45
jesus's cock
jesus_scock@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/4/04
The sun and the rain, for both are necessary
For the price of a solitary tear, I will bring rain into your life on one day in December, the day to be of my choosing, with no warning. At the cost of a single smile, the sun shall be brought to bear upon your countenance for an hour or two in November, uninvited and uninterrupted. And you will never know which day, or hour, it was that our transaction was completed.
Weatherman
Weatherman@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/4/04
Snow Forming Master of Ceremonies
Dears Mirs and Sadams, I am an eloquent speaker from Antilles and I chat with a mouth full of pastilles. I shall speak at your do for a pound or two and read an excerpt from the Baskervilles. £1 or £2. Snow is extra, although when I was 6 I had dandruff and Colin Williamson (the ginger one) said, "Everytime you shake your head, it is not unlike the Netherland winter - what with snow and that." I duly responded with a covering statement about new medicines and allergies of the scalp which got me off the hook, but I could re-enact that situation for a discounted snow forming action.
My Own Hat
myownhat@hotmail.com
Netherland Antilles - 6/4/04
Four horsemen of the apostrophe
I and three of my brethren will, for the sum of one firework of size exceeding that which is legal in Britain, mow down and trample with horses the hands of anyone who has in your opinion transgressed the rules of English Grammar in regard of the apostrophe. We promise moreover to be overcome with righteous and beautific joy as we overshoot badly and crumple their sorry heads.
The apostle
apostle@apostrophe.catastrophe.com
United Kingdom - 6/4/04
ONE KETTLE #33 FOR SALE
THIS TRUELOVE DARLING IS FOR SALE A ONE TIME OFFER OF JUST ONE ANIMAL SHELTER YES IF YOU CAN HAND OVER YOUR ANIMAL SHELTER THEN YOU CAN HAVE MY VERY BEST FRIEND!!!!!!!!! (((who needs good friends anyway))) MAYBE YOU DO ...........
portholeaccel
portholeaccel@porthole-accelerator.org
United States of America - 6/4/04
A quick shoddy remix...
As my usual price is far too high for most people but you may just want a Jon Doe remix, this is an offer to remix any track of any sort given any parts for £78 Uk Pounds, including the fully mastered cd sent anywhere in the world. You have the rights to the music. It will be a shoddy rush job done quickly. You have no control of the musical direction and i promise not to care if you dont like it.
Jon Doe
ned@theclsm.co.uk
United Kingdom - 6/4/04
Eat the world!
For £50,000 I will eat as much of the Planet Earth as I can before I retch. Please note that this may only be a little bit of grass as I have a delicate digestion system...
Matt
King_Bigkerb@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 5/4/04
20 Questions
For £20 i will sell you the right to ask me 20 questions of your own choice. These i will answer honestly and frankly in the hope that you and i will get to know me better.
John Hirst
hirst_john@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 29/3/04
monkey shaving
Hairy ape problem? You need suffer no more! For the cost of £1000, I will come to your place of residence, and completely shave your simian brethren. Travel costs will also be charged, and I also require your monkey to be fully sedated and a vet on hand in case of any bad reactions or heart conditions in your beloved chimp companion. I also require the event to be recorded for future training sessions. I am not responsible for any mental torture incurred, nor for any taunting from any other monkey friends afterwards.
chris blackwell
chris.blackwell@tesco.net
United Kingdom - 28/3/04
Teach you how to be good
I will teach how to do everything better, be liked by all, make friends, woo the opposite sex, realise your potential and earn respect £100 for one hour consultation
The Ape
mahnkeylahve@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 26/3/04
MotherFucker
For 100 of your earth pounds I will fuck your mother.
Frank De Man
fecklessinlondon@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 26/3/04
Awful poetry
For £50 I will write you a poem on any subject, guaranteed to scan badly and not to rhyme. Particularly suitable for self-harmers and others with self-esteem issues.
Joy Sole
joy_sole@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 25/3/04
I think I'll do just about anything not illegal (in England!)
for ridiculous amounts of money.....
A
slipintosomethingspecial@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 24/3/04
Act like a bitch
My names Deidre and I will act like a bitch and piss you off on your message board for £100 I do this on popbitch.com everyday
Deidre
deidre@popbitch.com
United Kingdom - 24/3/04
Advise On Love Making
For £150 I will send you a manual I have compiled over the years of things to do in bed with a man or woman to bring them to full sexual satisfaction. That being said everyone is different and may require a certain degree of sensitivity on your part as well as the positions and moves provided in the manual. For an extra £100 I will include the 'Who I've Fucked and How Good I Was and They Were' booklet which looks at my last fifty sexual encounters in detail. This book is both amusing and arousing and sometimes disgusting.
Tig
dreamrepublic@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 24/3/04
i love ornaments
i really love ornaments and drugs. if you paypal me as much as you can spare, 100 pounds minimum but more is better, i will take whatever drugs i have prescriptions or illegal and then phone you up and talk about ornaments, shopping for ornaments and ornament collecting and good ways to display ornaments. the more money you spend the nicer and more lavish ornaments i'll describe to you.
mimi
redtapetissue@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 23/3/04
a minute of original music for £50
screechy badman
pa_screech@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 23/3/04
I will free you from the Orwellian State
I will free you from the grip of the Orwellian state that is rapidly coalescing around. All you have to do is stop paying taxes to central government, and remit One Hundred Pounds Sterling to me personally. The Orwellian State will then begin to self disassemble as more and more of you buy my services. My price is inexpensive, but do not let that dissuade you as to its ultimate effectiveness. My methods work. Democracy is dead, but the corpse can be revived - pound by pound. You have nothing to loose, except your chains!
Arthur Raincourt
arthur@raincort.org
Anguilla - 22/3/04
Ignorance is bliss
I will ignore you when we pass in the street, all for the cost of a Edwardian Christmas. For the cost of a Victorian Christmas, I will cast you from my house like the moral transgressor you are. For the cost of a modern day Christmas, I will try (and fail) to be funny on a web-site. Christmases paid through Paypal MUST include service tax and at least one miracle.
John Enlim
highlandland@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 22/3/04
Organisation Frenzy
I will organise the contents of your untidy home into lovely order, (alphabetically if you wish) and in the process will bin anything I think you don't need or just shouldn't have. All this for the piffling sum of £150 a day. You can't say fairer than that.
Stella
stellotape@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 21/3/04
treated like shit
for the sum of £150 in cash i will submit you to a 2.5 hour session of extensive and imaginitive punishment, at the end of which you will present me with a poem of thanks and flowers along with the dough. the venue and nature of the castigation can be of your choosing. just detail in your email.
mistress kaysa
ginsinger2000@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 17/3/04
Sit in front of the TV and smoke cigarettes
I will sit in front of the TV and smoke cigarettes for the princely sum of one earth dollar per cigarette.
Noom
fudgiefudgiefudgie@yahoo.com
United States of America - 16/3/04
whack the dwarf
I'll hunt down Fred Manas and kill him like the filthy thief dog he is. $20,000 + $1,000 for every minute he lives with a red-hot poker up his ass.
BOUNTY JACK
namida96@hotmail.com
United States of America - 8/3/04
vendetta-on-demand
your friends are my friends. your enemies are my enemies. for a price. i am offering a new consultancy to help design and implement a programme of petty vendettas, cheap grudges and personal gripes. Name the company. Name the person. Name the ex. Give me the details and leave the rest to me. Prices negotiable - but it's not like i'm gonna be making a killing.
JayBee
sendmespam435@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 8/3/04
Bicycle Cleaning
I will clean your bicycle, and give it a light service for £100, plus costs including travel and sustenance
cally
cally@antart.demon.co.uk
United Kingdom - 7/3/04
need lawyer to help american victim
to sue larry silverstein for crimes torts he did i will contract for 1/3 of outcome
in need of legal help
lickmeslowly@123mail.org
Afganistan - 5/3/04
M25 For 25 Hours
I, Gimpo will whore myself for the sum of £1,000. For this I will drive you and whoever you wish, around the M25 for 25 hours. Start point Q. E. 2nd bridge, mid-day stopping only for fuel every 2nd lap at Clacett Services, on any day you choose, apart from the week of 'Gimpo's M25, 25 Hour Spin,' when I will be busy.
Gimpo
gimpogimpo@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 3/3/04
Need a best friend?
I can be your best friend for cash. The friendship can cover anything from listening to your problems, giving you good advice, shopping for you/with you, giving you moral support, generally helping you through life! Guys or gals if you need an instant friend without the upkeep...pay me! My hourly rate is £200.
Nahid
nahid@nahid-de-b.co.uk
United Kingdom - 28/2/04
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