NOISE
Too much time to think? Fed up with the sounds of friends, family? Bored with sleep? For the bargain price of £100 per hour I will melt your brain with noise. Standard service adhered to but requests taken for an extra £50 p/h. Default noise applied includes recordings of aeroplanes, pneumatic drills, the love-cries of pidgeons and the music of Sir Cliff Richard. Reply quick sharp for free *mystery* prize.
Becks
withnoshoe@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
affordable freedom
For the cost of an email, ask me to recommend you something.
It will be a random item that may or may not have change your life, but, I can guarantee that it will at some point have changes someone else's. What I offer is not a lifestyle enhancement gimmick.
What I offer cannot be bought with money.
The price you pay is that of a question.
Where there is a question, there can be choice.
Where there is choice, there can be clarity. Can U dig it?
woo
zelenka012@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Cut price deals
I will do any of the things listed by anyone else on here at 20 percent cheaper price.
mr chuffy
roop@kinkyafro.org
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
elitist music
I will produce an original elitist piece of electronica, full of noises, no sense of rhythm or melody and with a hearty taste of the annoying for the pricely sum of £50. The track will be a minute long, can be used for anything under the sun including playing to your mates to show how "open minded" you are in your musical tastes.
insert generic electronic artist name here ->
warpartist?@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Dance on someone's grave
for a lowly $20 (aus) i will dance on your in-laws graves till the cows come home.
Contact me with in the next 15 minutes and i will dance on your arch-nemisis' grave FREE OF CHARGE
The Hated One
evil_mf@spleenzeen.com
Australia - 1/7/04
Words of Power
I will create words of power tailored specifically to your needs. Words of power will give you the psychological edge in today's competitive societies.
Words of power usually combine two or more normal words, e.g. relaxation and concentration become 'reloncentration'. (During times of duress, think 'reloncentration' and feel your relaxtion and concentration levels increase dramatically).
Send me a photo of yourself + a specific list of your requirements and I will create your word of power. Prices for this service are non-monetary.
Bobby Fuego
zenrefresh@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
BEST MUSIC EVER **LIVE**
For a fee of 50 COLD cans of carling, and £100 each, my band The Dancing Bears, will play at any birthday, random house party, wedding, School leavers ball or midnight shindig, also any major festivals - fee can be arranged.
We are the BEST live band in the world. Contact me if you are in the UK. Anyone outside London pays the travelling costs for all of us and our equipment. We will guarantee you good music and more friends if we played your party
Greg Arthur
greg_hammond_jnr@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Urinating on heavy rock records
I am prepared to urinate on heavy rock records for cash - I particularly specialise in Def Leppard and Dio
Don't let the power of Dio possess you.
that is all
Dylan
dredge303@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
text generation
i would fill two pages with words for less than a ton
oben ole
ole@spread.de
Germany - 1/7/04
ROCK YOUR GODDAM HOUSE
For 500 pds. (plus hotel, catering, gas) we will rock your place with our ass-kickin`motherfucking rocknroooollll-band ARMSTRONG. Remember, buddy, what our Credo is: THE ROCKNROLL IN ME IS THE ROCKNROLL IN YOU.
Dedications of Songs to people in the audience, 20 quid extra each.
Check www.armstrongrocks.de for further information. Hell, Yeah, dont waste another minute!
Ingo Scheel
armstrongrocks@aol.com
Germany - 1/7/04
Bring real music to your ears
You can have my band Cujo in your life for the bargain price of a 5 album record deal with good marking, distribution and a generous royalty percentage.
Simply log on to www.cujo.cc to test the waters and then contact me by e-mail. I cannot be held responsible to any damage inflicted on your ears.
CujoKev
cujokev@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
word to your mother
For the princely sum of 57p and a packet of Nice and spicey Nik Naks (or flaming hot monster munch) i will travel to your party, bar mitzvah, christening, wedding or school fete and sing a rousing rendition of Vanilla Ice's 80's classic Ice Ice Baby. (probably only the first 2 verses as i always forget the words to the 3rd one)
Doing the running man dance costs extra (a lamb doner for the journey home)
davé
jediwannabee@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
GIVE ME £1 AND I'LL CALL YOU A PRICK.
GIVE.
ME.
A.
POUND.
AND.
I'LL.
CALL.
YOU.
A.
PRICK.
ANY LESS AND I'LL TELL YOU TO FUCK OFF.
NO REQUESTS.
James Love
heyjaylove@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Postage and Packaging
For £250 I will put you in a cardboard box with packing foam and courier you to any location within the mainland, United Kingdom - 01/07/04
Dan
coolchamber@tiscali.co.uk
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Lucky Dip!
Roll up! Roll up! All the fun of the fair.
For a mere fiver I will send you a mystery item of my choosing. It could be anything from my vast array of "stuff", so what are you waiting for? Enjoy this classic school-fete-side-show style game before I change my mind.
Captain Biscuits
Captain Biscuits
bic_302000@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Pigeon Sniper
Tired of shit ridden air rats flapping their filth on your manor?
Then hire the UK's first fulltime rifle assisted Pigeon Slayer for a mere £80 per hour.
The choice of arsenal used in the annihilation of your airborne skank pest is wide, with this months specials including spanner loaded claymores, and a modified anti aircraft cannon firing a payload of sharpened doubloons.
Don't delay, slay today!
Verben
steve.mcqueen@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Clown available for kids' party
I will turn up, stinking of booze and still half cut, having got no sleep the night before, at any kids' party. I will proceed to puke on your hi-fi, piss on your carpet, try to stand on any pets, and leave a jobbie on your fireplace. All for the princely sum of £12.98, plus travel expenses.
Shambles T Clown
shamblestclown@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
THE NOTION OF FEAR
no shit. for a single grain of cosmic paracetamol dust i will provide you with the notion of dismay. please understand this is NOT REAL FEAR - real fear can only be transferred via email and bakerys. This is simply the notion of fear. It is likely to take the form of a rather worrying story about some young boys, a forest at night and a small gathering of people who look not unlike Dr Fox riding bicycles with no saddles. oh, and the staff at fucking Curry's who sold me an iron that never worked. wankers.
FEAR - the idea of which will be arriving with you shortly.
jefferson p sidewinder
bigjeff@jeffjampuddings.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Eat, drink and breath
I am willing to eat, drink and breath everyday for the rest of my life (yes, that's right! The rest of my entire life).
I will do this (subject to my standard terms and conditions) for the highest bidder. No reserve.
Happy bidding!
James Elliott
james@rehabdesign.co.uk
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
geniuine love
for £2.50 an hour I will love and admire you from afar.No physical contact - just the warm satisfaction that comes from knowing someone thinks you are the greatest! bulk hourly rates available on request
dave lusby
dave_lusby@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Von Dutch Trucker Fucker.
Tired of teen popsluts wearing £50 Von Dutch trucker caps like they are Princess Muck of house Fuck-a-Duck?
Angered by the pretence that, by doing so, they are an individual and not a vacant mindspazz adhering to a poor but ironically expensive style trend?
For a fee of 3 packets of pickled onion Space Invaders I'll ruin their shit by any means you deem necessary.
Ok? Right.
Verben
steve.mcqueen@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Paranoid?
For just £50 a week I will feed your paranoia. Every time you feel that somebody or something is out to get you, I will reassure you that this is indeed the case and advise you to watch your back or get in a violent pre-emptive strike. It varies.
Three assurances a week maximum.
Junk Monkey
junkmonkey@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Nothing whatsoever
I will do nothing whatsoever for any amount of money that you donate to my Paypal account. You will get no pleasure out of this service at all and I in turn will waste none of my life doing stupid stuff that noone wants to either do or see me doing..
At the end of the day the only point of this pointless offer is that you unload some of your hard earned cash onto me with the full knowledge that I will not waste one single calorie deciding how to spend it..i will just spend it..full stop...no thinking....nothing..
Thanks in advance...
Zeon
zeon@zeonlair.demon.co.uk
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Tired of your possesions?
Do you want freedom from the constraints of possesions? When you look around at your princely abode, do you feel that you are cheating your soul? When you get payed, do you ever sigh and wish you could live off the land, away from capitalist restraint, among the beauty of Mother Nature? Well today is your lucky day!
For the knockdown sum of all your money, your possesions, your house and the minute up-front fee of your family and friends, I can absolve ALL your worries!
*SPECIAL OFFER!-For the non-existant price of 'the shirt off your back', you can live in my front garden! 'My Front Garden!' is large and accomodating and would benefit not only your yearning for the greener side of life, but my crippling financial troubles! As long as you don't mind wearing an animal suit and being stared at by paying customers, then everyone is happy!
Trustworthy Matt
ostrich_54321@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
i will break your heart
for the reasonable sum of a photo or something dear i will write you a heart breaking letter and send it to you explaining why we can no longer see one another/get married/run away to Greece ect. SAE required
adam
adamtachauer@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Aimlessly walk inside or outside your house
For £50.00 per hour I will walk around your house doing 'stuff'. Nothing illegal ofcourse just switching lights on and off, sitting on sofas and chairs watching TV etc etc. If the weather's not too bad I will walk around outside your house for the same fee.
Travelling expenses to be arranged.
David
nosegay.gardening@virgin.net
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Backdoor Handyman
Need your patio swept? Door creeky? Or maybe you just need you hinges worked out. I am very handy with rear-enry doors. From repair to lubrication and aligning.
M
pong2600@hotmail.com
United States of America - 1/7/04
Bald and ashamed?
For a one-off bargain payment of £600 I will picture you in a large hat every time we happen to meet. Wig pretense £750, real hair(!) £8000.
No refunds.
Junk Monkey
junkmonkey@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
I will make random popping noises at your neighbour
For just £250 you can have someone stood outside your house making popping noises at your neighbour, bargain.
Chumbold Merryweather
smackyourchildren@myhouse.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
STOATS!!!
stoats for hire, various sizes, £4 an hour
ben
ben@ben.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Arse plug sk8ter boi
For the princely sum of just one warm hug I will come round to your gaff, strap plates to my wrists/knees, and flood a hardwood floor space with ball bearings. Then, allowing you to insert your thumb into my anus, you can glide me around the room at your leisure or until I loose joint integrity.
Go on. I really need that hug.
Tired Hippo
emopussy@hotmail.com
Montserrat - 1/7/04
Gutting animals
For £80 a day plus train fare (not necessary in London zones 1 & 2, I will gut any animals you have, between partridges up to and including medium sized dogs. No cows, deer or horses. Weekends only.
Matt
mharwood62@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
24 hours of artistic immortality
For a continuous period of 24 hours at a fee of £101 per hour (£2424) plus travel expenses we will visually document your life.
Professional, digital photographs will be taken of EVERYTHING you do in this period. You must co-operate fully by allowing us to follow and photograph you, unhindered and uncensored. We will not personally interact with you at any time.
After a period of 31 days we will deliver to you a printed portfolio of finally completed artwork, reflecting a single day of your life.
A section will also be produced on our website at www.snapshotman.com, featuring selected images.
snapshotman
hello@snapshotman.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Whistling
I am offering to whistle any current pop song residing in the UK top 30 charts for the sum of £1.50 per song. Preferably by phone, though can travel (travelling expenses to be paid for by the buyer) and accomodate (3-6 pm weekdays)
Baby Dave
acidgroove2001@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
act like a monkey
I will act like a monkey for the amusement of no more than 10 people for a period of time to be decided by observing how many old people can be spotted with walking sticks and photographed within a 1 hour time frame . 1 old person=1 minute of monkey madness .
The price to get this valuable service is 1 pint of quality ale for every minute of monkey action . If more than 10 people are available to witness the monkiness then the price will triple and each old person with a walking stick is only worth 30 seconds !
mr zero
dominicsynnock0@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Animal Educator
For a low monthly fee of $599.99 I will teach your pets anything you think they should know. Having your porpoise know the periodic table is essentail when travelling abroad. I'll make sure the budgie remembers the winner of the 1956 Idaho Whack-A-Thon. Leave it to me, if they poop in a cage or on the floor, I can probably get through to them.
Goldwin
jonathanhohner@hotmail.com
Canada - 1/7/04
erm...
???
Im confused?
m
abc@def.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
I would move back home
For 50,000.00 GBP I walk out of my job, burn my belongings and get on the first flight home.
Oliver
olirics@hotmail.com
United States of America - 1/7/04
crack-ing offer
Fed up with your circle of friends? Believe you are worthy of more interesting company? Well for £50 my mate Fred will turn one of your friends into a drug addict, one into a gay and for an extra £100, he will frame a pal for murder. For an extra grand Fred will also allow you to look down at me as he beats me with book.
Paul C
boothroyd26@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Get a life!
Ever wished you could get a life? For a measly £5 (via NOCHEX) I can tell you exactly what is wrong with your life. Simply send the payment to my e-mail address using http://www.nochex.com and in the message section tell me what's wrong with your life.
I will e-mail back within 3 days, telling you exactly what your problem is and telling you what to do.
It's completely annonymous and my discretion is assured. You also have the right to completely disregard my advice and continue making a complete fucking mess of what you call "a life".
Ned
ned@idseven.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Sing you to sleep
Foe £1.99 a month i will sit on the end of your bed and sing nursery rymes,hymms & t.v Theme tunes till you are sound asleep...
If you require an instrumental accompniment £2 extra will be charged I am fully licenced and insured to do this highly dangerous job to the highest standard.
(batteries not included/kids eat free)
ed
edbannard@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
got soul ?
For about US$ 100.000 I'll sell you my soul, personality included.
Peter
terpi@click21.com.br
Brazil - 1/7/04
I hate being American
I will sell my American-ness for $20 and a Pepsi(r).
Cale
cale@pancakesanddreams.com
United States of America - 1/7/04
Feel the need to bow and become a wretched peasent for a week/month/lifetime?
For only a cheap, cheap price of 1 pure vigin (per year) I, High Lord Golgamesh, will personally appear at your village, township or city.
Along with my horde of minions spun from the very stuff of nightmares,I shall overhthrow your weak local goverment, quickly establish myself as dictator, take all your possesions and set fire to your women and rape your houses.
Any children in the area will become my personal slaves and a select few of my choosing will become one with HORRORS MAN WAS NOT MEANT TO SEE which (hopefully) will create a race of supercreatures which ,after my lease is up, will keep you wretched for a further 10 years WITH NO EXTRA COST!
Please make sure all people in your village, township or city are fully perpared for my arrival as people who look suprised, act shocked, frown, cry or disgrace themselves will be , mercilessly slaughted and crucified as an example to other who do not wish to be ruled by PURE EVIL (for maximum of 100 years)
High Lord Golgamesh
nugget_train@aventuremail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
I bought a book today...
...and the very first quote was what made me buy it. I will shortly have finished reading it as it is a short book, but nicely bound. I will happily send it to anyone who can identify who said the quotes in this book. The first quote was;
'An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individual concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.'
Leo Siddall
leosiddall@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Naked housework
I will do the housework naked for £15. please e-mail for more details.
will travel at extra cost.
Naked leather
rebelant69@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Ruin A Special Occasion Of Your Choice
Bride need puking on?
Baby want christening in piss?
Perhaps you'd like someone to shit in the casket of someone you particularly hate?
Any special occasion you want ruined, any skeletons you want me to wrench from the clothes rail in any cunt's cupboard can be done for the small price of £1,000
Jonny Russell
zooropa_uk@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Write a number 1 single
I am the f*cking nuts at writing songs!
If you are in a band and cant write songs for sh!t I will write you a number 1 single.
My price is £200.
Not bad to appear on TOTP?
Neil
Neil_Smith_99@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Bad Advice
Got a problem? Need helping finding a solution? Not just any solution, but the wrong one?
For a drawing of what you think I look like done on that Paintbrush thing on your computer I will give you extremely bad advice on just about any personal or professional matter.
Bo Fabulous
cts191077@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
badgers
if you so desire i will capture the badger for £30 ill kill it for £50 ill make it into an attractive evening wear dress for £70 and ill cook it in a wok with simmering things for £100
graeme murdoch
graeme.murdoch@strath.ac.uk
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Fight the power!!
Frustrated by the smoking ban?
Feel the need to strike back?
I can help. I will smoke a cigarette in any pub/club/restaurant in dublin for 10euro (Plus the price of the smoke and any ensuing fines). Through me you can live vicariously your dream of flaunting the ban and fighting the system. No rednecks, hillbillies or southsiders need apply.
Tom Kelly
elelibo@hotmail.com
Ireland - 1/7/04
Revenge
Hacker, no morrals. Need revenge on a website or public computer be it libary, work or school? Look no further choose from a wide veriety:
*Flip website pages 180 degrees
*delete all files on public computers
*set a one of a kind virus to piss off anyone who try's to use the computer.
Only £40.00!
Local Hacker
Matrix_010101_hax@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 1/7/04
Hugs
For the price of travelling expenses and any costs incurred whilst there, I will come visit you and provide you with a series of fantastic hugs. Naked hugs also available for an additional £50 per hug.
Alternatively, I also provide a hugging in-call service for £20 a hug, naked hugs being £50 each, your travelling expenses not paid.
Sarah
sarah_fungi@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 30/6/04
Pain for sale.
Maxon
pupik@mail.ru
Russia - 24/6/04
to undestand
I'm an intelligent and clever person with poor commercial specialization, but a considerable insight in human phenomenons.
I'm offering my intelligence for 20€/hour.
I understand novellistic, legal documents, unclear love declarations, obscure behaviors of relatives, alarming self unconscoiusness, simple sex dreams and a lot of other enigmas.
chiara
chiara.mangani@katamail.com
Italy - 23/6/04
Push vegtables through your letterbox
For £100 sterling plus travel expenses I will push an assortment of garden vegetables through your letterbox.
Jernau Morat Gurgeh
gurgeh31@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 23/6/04
get your gear here
I'll make you any sort of stainless steel bondage/sex gear you can dream up. Or just send you a random (unused of course) item for your titilation.
My price is quite fair you have to send me at least one photo of you using my equipment with someone else. There must be at least two people in the photo for me to count it as payment. In my wildest dreams you the consumer is also an artist/photographer and can take a highly erotic pic.
Dr. Subversion
numbertwentynine@hotmail.com
United States of America - 22/6/04
PAINT YOUR HOUSE
For £500 including paint I will come round your house and cover it in graffiti. No Problem. If you live outside London zones 1+2 then I will need travel expenses and a 6 pack of Grolsh to drink on the train journey.
www.pureevilclothing.com
PURE EVIL
cue@pureevilclothing.com
United Kingdom - 22/6/04
Alibis!
Guilty? Innocent? It's all the same to me. For a fee of 500 pounds a time I will lie to the police about your whereabouts, and for 2000, I will perjure myself in court, and swear a testimony to a fictitious scenario of your choice. Easiest to contact me in advance of crime, and establish the deal. Emergency alibis also available.
Shouldn't say
downlowtooslowmofo@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 21/6/04
organic drawing
i will draw you a wired shape of some sort if you mail me
peter andersen
peter@verden-rundt.dk
Denmark - 20/6/04
Imagine if there was a chick out there who lusted after *YOU* every single time she masturbated
Now, here's your chance.
For a price, I will think of you and only you every time I commit acts of self-love during a time period.
I will picture you in my mind, and pretend that all pleasurable touches come from your hands. I will pretend the rubber manhood thrusting in and out of me belongs to you. I will breathe your name heavily. I will lust after you. I will dream of you. I will long for you. And I will always fully believe that you have a huge cock.
Every orgasm will be with the thought of you in my mind. I will scream your name as I come repeatedly.
Prices in US Funds:
$10 a day
$45 a week
$300 a month
During each time period, I vow to commit acts of self-love to orgasm, at the very least, once per day, no matter what.
For $5 extra per day, per request, I will cater my self-love to your whims. Bondage? Sure. I'll tie myself up tightly and enjoy it. Anal penetration? Sure, I'll give that a go. Whatever your fetish, I'll do my best to do whatever you want me to do, and I will love it.**
For $400 extra, the next time I actually get laid, I will scream your name at the height of passion. I will pretend it is you, and I will think of you the entire time.***
Pictures and self descriptions are optional, but will greatly assist in the full capture of my lust for you.
** I reserve the right to know my limits. Prices may rise depending on how far past my comfort level your requests go.
*** Price rises to $750 if I am serious about the guy I will be screaming your name to, unless you happen to share the same name.
SombreHippie
sombrehippie@yahoo.com
Canada - 20/6/04
I will make your life a living hell.
for exactly one week i will make your life a living hell. i will harass you, ridicule you in public and your family. i will tell you how rotten your eating habits and taste in everything are. family and media is an extra charge. i will nto let you sleep a wink or finish a meal. the one stipulation is that you cannot talk during the humiliating sessions.
lots of fun and a fabulously humbling experience.
i just need my flight and accomodations taken care of and $200 spending money.
Candace the Chick
candace@gamutmag.com
United States of America - 19/6/04
Say Nice Things About You At Your Funeral
Worried that the day to mark your passing is going to be an Eleanor Rigby type affair?
Fear not, for 20% of your estate (or £1000, whichever the greater) plus travel and overnight accomodation expenses, I will pretend to have known you, deliver a stirring eulogy, and then get drunk at your wake.
Applicants must supply either an annually updated biography (1 page max) or a link to their blog.
Dave Read
mail@monkeymagic.vcisp.net
United Kingdom - 19/6/04
Nothing.
I have nothing for sale for exactly $20,000,000 cold hard cash.
You will enjoy this purchase of nothing for the rest of your life, because it will be a great burden that has been lifted off your shoulders. Twenty Million dollars is too much money for one man or woman alone, and without it, you will enjoy a stress free life full of simple worldly enjoyment.
thank you.
Pay Up.
Tacosaurus
Tacosaurus@gmail.com
United States of America - 19/6/04
Good Mouth - Bad Mouth
For only £40 per day I will spread good word of mouth for you, your project or your companies product.
I promise to gush to all in-sundry about how great you or yours is! I can guarantee meeting and informing over 100 people per day, and on a good day over 300+.
You choose the day, and what you want spread by word of mouth...and I do the rest.
For £50 per day I can do very similar to the above, but spreading bad word of mouth. I can slur the competition or be-little a product. This costs more due to the bad Karma!
Steven Dick
info@stevendick.co.uk
United Kingdom - 13/6/04
Cat lovers who live alone!
If you live alone (and own your house) and also have a cat. I can look after your cat in the event of your death.
The price is your house. I will look after your cat, stroke it, feed it good food & treats. Play with it and also make cat toys for it.
May consider dogs if you have a garden.
Leo
leo@greaser.com
United Kingdom - 9/6/04
Anything For Love
I will do anything for love - but I won't do that.
Paypal accepted.
MeatLoaf
toneclarke@hotmail.com
Fiji - 8/6/04
Destruction of Joy for cash
fOr £565 I will burn my glastonbury ticket and give you the remains. tHis can be done in your presents. iNstead I will sit at home lifeless and scratch away. fOr an extra £240 I will travel to just outside the festival site and comit my act of joy destruction whilst with my friends who will all be going in.
thisisalloneword
thisisalloneword@uk2.net
United Kingdom - 8/6/04
Moral High Ground.
Feeling low, worthless, like the scum of the earth?
Do colleagues belittle you and neighbors look down on you?
Brother, you need to spend a little time on the Moral High Ground .
Yes that s right, the Moral High Ground , and today, from the low, low price of just £99.99p, you can get there!
NO, that is not a typing error or a corrupted document! Your direct route to the Moral High Ground from just £99.99p!
After an in-depth consultation I will come to your home, place of work or public thoroughfare of your choice and make a brash and unprovoked attack on your person. The effrontery can be physical, verbal or abstract depending on your needs, and will be guaranteed to arrest the attention of all within earshot.
Once the slur has been delivered all you need do is deliver your pre-determined retort (for example a warm brotherly/sisterly hug followed by a knowing and forgiving stare), and stroll away to your newly found place on the hallowed soil of the Moral High Ground .
I thank you for you time and look forward to our first consultation.
Guy Scott
guy.scott@tiscali.co.uk
United Kingdom - 1/6/04
For £100 (£200 Camden) I will stalk you across any north London borough for the whole of this coming bank holiday Monday (Tuesday considered). Detailed notes/Polaroids cost extra. 24 hour service guaranteed. Complete discretion assured.
Luke
lukeheighton@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 30/5/04
Better late than never.
Post-Natal Abortions.
Already past the 3rd Trimester?
No problem.
The fetus developed to the stage of Puberty?
No problem.
Is it in a position to have an abortion of its own?
No problem.
Our procedures are expertly done in the privacy and safety of our state-of-the-art clinic. Patients receive immaculate care and attention from our well-trained and board certified staff. Counseling, therapy, post-surgical treatment are all available. (Grief and Guilt counseling where needed.)
We're here to fix the mistake you should have fixed all those years ago.
We're here to give you the peace of mind and comfort you so sorely need.
We're here to help.
(Post-Natal Abortions - Void where prohibited.)
Dr. Nobody
Impressive@Naims.org
United Kingdom - 28/5/04
seduce boyfriend/girlfriend of someone you hate
For 335 quid I shall seduce a sweetheart of some annoying girl/guy. Experience the pleasure of witnessing their relationship collaps. You provide the- cash, location to meet, I do the rest
magneta
kalinaskylimit@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 26/5/04
the black car leaving
I will sell you my debut novel, 'the black car leaving' for £2 plus postage. You can read excerpts at my website
http://www.eddiewillson.freewebspace.com
Eddie Willson
eddiewillson2000@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 24/5/04
Cheap international calls
No registration, no credit cards, no extra billing.
Just dial 0870 794 2739 followed by your international number for calls at 7p per minute.
At the weekend dial 0844 57 02739 instead for calls at 5p per minute!
A just dial service.
Jamie
webmaster@5pinternationalcall.co.uk
United Kingdom - 21/5/04
drink beer
i will drink beer with you at a pub in bedford of my choice one evening. you pay for the beer and supply half of the conversation which you can lead and can be about topics of your choice. i make no promises about being amazingly good company but am a good listener.then we make a pact never to do it again and to ignore eachother if we randomly cross paths
iain fraser
iain.fraser57@ntlworld.com
United Kingdom - 21/5/04
One Can Of Whoopass!!
Best Before: a beef vindaloo
CAUTION: Highly Volatile. Do not open in a crowded environment.
£19.99 plus p&p
Graham
gorilla_unit@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 20/5/04
atomic bomb display model
I am happy to announce the release of atomic bomb display model. highly accurate display model that tells you how to make one. it comes with all sort of fun things. teach your children about atomic bombs.
25 pounds students 20 pounds.
.... to find out e-mail me.
thank you
microtanks
microtanks@koept.net
United Kingdom - 18/5/04
Lest You Forget
For an annual subscription of just £10 we will remember an important date for you and remind you three days prior to it. Never forget your mother's birthday again. For just £25 we'll remember three dates. Just think, that's Mum, Dad and your pesky sister all taken care of. For an additional £5 per date we will send them a card. Tasteful or amusing cards £10.
DataDog Inc
scamgoat@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 18/5/04
Unfinished Symphony?
I will finish any unfinished symphony for £3.52 and a week in a caravan.
Also unfinished symphony for sale. Most movements complete. Easy summer project. Need room for caravan magazines. Offers.
Evil Tone
toneclarke@hotmail.com
Isle of Man - 17/5/04
I Will Always Love You
Do you need to know that someone other than your mother will love you until they die? Tell me about yourself, and I'll send you an estimate based on your lovability index.
Bella S
bella.s@talk21.com
United Kingdom - 14/5/04
A FAVOUR
I will do you a favour. The nature of the favour will be negotiated beforehand. The favoured should be willing to cover travel costs, provide a bowl of fresh fruit and possibly accommodation if return travel to London is not feasible within a day. Any costs directly or indirectly connected to executing the favour will be paid by you and you will subsequently owe me one in return. This is a sincere offer so please do not askew my view of the world with mendacious replies.
The Patron Saint of High Ideals and Good Intention
ylva_linn@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/5/04
andy jex
at the andy jex fan club, we know what its like to really love andy jex but if youre in another country and it can be quite hard and time consuming to visit enlgand to homage to one of our greatest heros. thats why we, at the andy jex fan club, have created this latest offer, just for you. for for the sum of only 360 pounds sterling, you can be the proud owner of the one and only andy for 1 week. he already comes with a days food supply and will require feeding the following day. also he will have a fresh supply of his favourit marks and sparks pants. please dont leave him alone or feed him wine. also good with children.
e-mail for more information now if you want andy for a week
chairman
andyjexfanclub@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/5/04
mind
i will sell my ideas
£10 each
ask me anything
squirrel
twolittleboys999@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/5/04
you want some? your mum wants some....
You and I can have a rubbish 'cussing match'. Five minutes for £3.
Here is the deal:
1. You insult me.
2. I will return the favour by repeating exactly what you just said but changing the words around slightly and saying it about your mum instead.
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2.
mute
de_la_soulful@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 4/5/04
Feast your eyes on me.
Kill me. Eat me. And you will have my fortune.
Sancho
sanchotrappa@hotmail.com
United Kingdomon - 3/5/04
YOUR DIGNITY
I will give you back your dignity* for the low low price of £10.
I will let you:
stop me ravishing a damsel in distress.
save me from a bush animal of some description.
make me look stupid in public.
Any other suggestions then e-mail me to the address below.
*you can have mine since i never use it
Joker
anotherfakeemail@fake.com
United Kingdom - 2/5/04
Buy Space in My Brain*
For 100 Quid, I will remember your first name and surname for a decade.
For 75 Quid/Word, I will remember any phrase you want for a decade.**
I'm willing to negotiate the length of time I will remember what you want remembered.
*Prices subject to laws of supply and demand.
**Phrases with unusual levels of difficult may require extra fees.
Manc Yank
skweeg217@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 1/5/04
ME
Don't touch what you can't afford!
Allison-Ashley
diane-young@lineone.net
United Kingdom - 29/4/04
West End Musicals
I will attend "We Will Rock You' or "Mama Mia" or "Tonight's The Night' or "Jailhouse Rock" for an (1) entire performance from start to finish, including the encores and interval in a West End Theatre on a date to be decided by myself and the client for the sum of £5000 plus travel costs (approximately £40) and the cost of a stiff drink afterwards (£4.00 ~ London prices)
cally
cally@antar.cc
United Kingdom - 29/4/04
star suckers
will nominate you for a black star for a fiver. or you can have my one for a tenner.
screechy badman
pa_screech@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 28/4/04
take my wife, for example
no really, this once of a lifetime prima noctae nooky is available to anyone. just get her pissed and take her away during the speeches
will like neil brogan for cash
touchpaddy@yaho.com
United Kingdom - 24/4/04
Advertise Your Product/Services/Agenda To A Captive Audience
It' s sad but it's true i drive trains on the London Underground. Next time I'm stuck in a tunnel (fairly often on my line, the Bakerloo) I'm willing to advertise your product, your services, or even your agenda to an audience of anywhere between 1 and 1100 people. Think of it. They can't change channel, they can't leave the room. I have a captive audience. They want to know why they're being delayed or what the problem is. They will listen to me. Just think of their reaction when they hear "my apologies for the delay ladies and gentlemen.... this is due to Mucho's dog biscuits" or even "the next station....... has a really nice cafe outside and 67 miles due north via the M1 that do a really nice sausage and mash dinner for £1.99" or even "Please make sure you have all your personal belongings with you when you leave the train otherwise that down at Big Bob's Boot Fair on Sunday morning" It's up to you. £5 per word. No guarantee on the timing, location or amount in the audience. Not open to London Mayoral candidates.
Bakerloo Bill
bakerloo@btintnernet.com
United Kingdom - 24/4/04
Hardcore Brick Action
For £100 plus my entire resulting court costs, I will smash the windows of any high street retail outlet of your choice.
Simon Morris
knightsmove7@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 23/4/04
Millions
For the sum of £2,000,000 I will burn the sum of (no greater than) £1,000,000 and film the whole event.
Bogbrushman
bogbrushman@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 23/4/04
gimpos wish
I'll walk naked around the M25 for a dairylia triangle
Gimpo
gimpogimpo@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 23/4/04
For all the boys on Gimpo's M25 spin 2004!
I will Stand naked outside number 10 Downing street holding one of Tim's Demand World Peace signs for 20,000 pounds, for an exta £10 I'll make and hand out some Blair is a Liar cakes!
Jenny-marie
rainbowbright@btinternet.com
United Kingdom - 23/4/04
save you from max clifford/the tabloids
For £300 I will post you the photographs (17 in total...the rest came out wonky)that I took through your bedroom window last night...you so called z list celebrity
medium format
daleks69@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 22/4/04
Wear the Leather Midget Pants (the use of my bitch for one night)
Willing to let a small half-black man from the south of America remove my leather pants with his teeth whilst i say 'Ow bitch! You popped a cap in my ass?! Shit bitch that hurts! Aww. You gonna pay missy. Shit you gonna pay.'
Fuller
the_killer_insideme@hotmail.com
Australia - 21/4/04
FULLERS TROUSERS
Will help with any means to obtain FULLERS TROUSERS for the measley price of 2 pint of Guinness, but I wont buy em at 22 bucks even if they do come soiled.
troy
troysmyth@optusnet.com.au
Australia - 20/4/04
Trousers
I will sell my friend Fuller's leather trousers for 22 dollars and a packet of tabs. Only soiled once. You'll have to help me steal them though.
Jonny
jon59@hotmail.com
Australia - 19/4/04
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