DOLLARS!
I will sell you a one dollar american note for one dollar... american! At this price, a one dollar note american can buy you another one dollar note! American dollar note is an american, note that this dollar is in Japan and hence it makes value! American note dollar as money gets! BONUS! Power note fantastic american super toaster! Dee willy wing wing! When you have american note, you will scream like sandfly dragon on scary scary crap candy passover! HOLY CRAP!
Patrick M
Bobjobs@bobsunclenuts.com
Japan - 3/7/04
Draw A Picture Of You In My Mind
If you send me a description of yourself I shall endeavour to picture you in my brilliant mind. If the first part of the process is a failure then I will request a picture. If not then I will draw and send you the picture of your own lovely/hideous visage. Free of charge.
Brian Porthos Ramesees III
spawnofmonkey@aol.com
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
Piss on you if you are on fire.
For £10000 I'll piss on you if you are on fire.
I will require 24 hours notice and travelling expenses.
Dead Bloke
deadblokerip@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
Read the books you meant to but never got round to
There are always books you mean to read and somehow you never read them. For the price of the book I'll read the book for you and retain the knowledge you should have gained. you in turn will be able to drop the names of the books you have had someone else read for you.
Loopylibrarian
loopylibrarian@btinternet.com
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
Will be your biatch for a major publishing contract.
Get my novel published and distributed by a major North American publishing house and I will *totally* be your biatch. I'll bathe your feet in jasmine lather. I'll name my first born after you even if your name sucks. I'll scream your praises in pubs. I'll establish a grandiose erection in your honour. I'll convince all the neighborhood children that you're more powerful than Jesus and twice as dangerous.
http://thespacebetweendreams.com
K'an
kan@thespacebetweendreams.com
Canada - 3/7/04
JUST LOOKING
Attractive person travelling on public transport? For the princely sum of £50,000 I will sit across from you, staring at you, trying to catch your eye - never talking - with the added thrill that you know I am thinking of you in a sexual manner. Every so often I will check out your body in a really obvious way and make you feel really uncomfortable until you are forced to change seats. For an extra 50p I will follow you off the train/bus and walk behind you until you reach your destination
Johnnywas
tivoli1969@aol.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Thuggery
For £50per day (+ expenses inc. dry cleaning) I will be your henchman. From petty violence and extortion, to extrajudicial executions, systematic rape and ethnic cleansing. Have own dark suit, menacing demeanor, own sunglasses and a penchant for rubber chickens. All resonable offers accepted.
(No timewasters/ lycra uniforms/ politicians/ secret underground headquarters with own golf carts)
Jon
satansknob@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
I will ignore you
FREE SERVICE!
For absolutely no charge, I will COMPLETELY ignore you. Just as if you didn't exist.
Dave Clambake
daveclambake@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Revenge is a dish best served cold
Revenge for any slight, malfeasance or calumny served cold. I ask only your friendship in return. One day, and this day may never come, I might ask a favour of you which you will do for me as your friend. Also, unrefusable offers proffered.
Don Gabichi
nowweare@hotmail.com
Italy - 2/7/04
Hack this site
For a laugh, I will hack your company intranet, bringing your system down for an indefinite period. Email me and amuse me in some way and I will go ahead. You may benefit in some way, particularly if you are dissatisfied in your place of work. You may not. I really do not give a shit either way.
Iko
iko_mirasaka@yahoo.jp
Japan - 2/7/04
Cry your name
I orgasm every night at 7.30pm GMT. Pay me $50 and your name will be the one i cry out (so loud the neighbours will complain). Reserve your place on the list by sending me your name. And the money, honey.
danger_boi
biginjapan36@yahoo.co.uk
Japan - 2/7/04
your own personal soundtrack
For twenty quid I will write you a piece of music specifically tailored to soundtrack your mundane daily tasks, such as going to the laundrette or walking home from the pub. By supplying me personal information, I can tailor a song for your sprecific needs. At 20 notes a track, I can soundtrack your entire day. From now on, your days can resonate with glory.
graham
graham@feedle.co.uk
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
fed up with hangovers?
no need to feel shit the next morning, you stay home, give me some money and i'll go out and get completely trashed and suffer your hangover the next morning. all for the price of a good night out and some chips on the way home.
jc
jc941789@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Breathe In.
For just AUD$9.95 plus p&p, I will send you one jar (screwtop or suction lid at buyers' discretion) of delicious Melbourne air from any one of the following suburbs: - Caroline Springs
- Wheeler's Hill
- St. Albans
- Yarraman
- Collingwood (Go Pies) All jars come with black and white label, but you can order a personalised colour label for AUD$5.00 extra. *Jars may contain traces of: insects, air, weather patterns.
Chriss
chriss@goggo.com
Australia - 2/7/04
Harry Gardener loves beef!
Going on holiday, moving house, considering a diet? ..help is at hand! For £5.99 i'll eat the entire contents of your fridge and/or larder.
As an optional extra I can return the following day to fertilise your lawn.
peter shilton
baracuda@fannymash.king.kong
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Coffee.....
For just £7.50 an hour, I will not sleep. Anytime, anyplace, if you want me to be awake, i'll do it. I will also sleep on demand, fees to be negotiated.
Stewart Dove
stewartdove@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Had enough?
Have you had enough of the hussle and bussle of everyday life? Want to just get away from it all, but dont have the money or the time? Well now you can! For the small price of £500, I will personally come to YOUR house, and deliver to you, whenever you wish, 5 hours, thats right, FIVE HOURS, of complete and utter silence! Now you must be thinking, whats the catch? This is just too good to be true! Well, if you live within the West Midlands area, and have the £500, the dream is possible! I will personally sit in your house and deliver you with five hours of pure silence. Imagine - sitting on a warm summers day with your ice cold beer in one hand, and complete silence so that you can appreciate the good things in life. Bliss. So contact me today, and don't miss out on this EXCLUSIVE offer! warning - no touching, abusive language, or any form of physical or verbal communication allowed.
Mr Singh
jas_skill@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Fake black stars
Want a black star to get more people viewing your ad? For £27.50 plus postage and handling I'll make sure it happens. I can be ruthless so please don't ask me how I do it. Fake black stars come in three options: 1) J-Lo
2) Mariah Carey
3) Alley G (althuogh he would be considered a fake, fake black star). For future reference, please don't use my real name.
Blackie McStar
hubble@telescope.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
writer for hire
i have above average command of both the english and french languages. for the price of one teddy bear, mailed to my place of residence, i will use language as a tool, weapon, means of pressure, persuasion or seduction as requested for you. i also do technical documentation and reports.
Fizzbin
nakedblueninja@hotmail.com
Canada - 2/7/04
Ass kicking opportunity
Do you feel guilty for cheating on a loved one, or have you been swindling money off your boss, or just generally feeling like you've been getting away with it for too long - well I have the answer, starting from just £50.00 I will kick your ass for you, anything from a black eye to a complete hospitalisation, no job too small! So come on, threat yourself to that beating you really deserve! Male, female, young and old all welcome. Gay bashing a speciality!! * Introductory offer - for a limited time only I will insult you over the email or phone and tell you what scum you are - for just £15.00.
If not completely satisfied you will receive a free ass kicking.
Basher
blut__und__ehre@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Let's talk about products...
For a voluntary paypal donation I will discuss products, at length. Your choice of product.
Jeff Belengazi
jbelengazi@hotmail.com
Japan - 2/7/04
For your loved ones........
For the small sum of £15, I will make a mix tape/minidisc for you, or to give to someone you know and/or love. My range of music is extensive enough to cover most tastes, and if you give me a short description of the person you want the tape/minidisc made for (personality, traits, etc) I will be able to provide around 45-75 minutes of joy for that person. And I will include at least one Barry White number in every mix, no exceptions.
Stewart Dove
stewartdove@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
One last fling
For £500, I will launch a poo projectile into the Big Brother UK house before the end of the series.
Monkey Boy
totally@fucked.org.uk
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
entertainer
for the incredable low price of £25 an hour i will serenade you with john denver songs wearing nothing but a gun belt, crotchless brown trousers and a stetson hat. book an appointment now and i will also soddomise your family pet!
dick
dickh@sdf.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
free advertising (if it's good mind!)
If you are a performer (of any kind) I will advertise your services on our website. www.londonlostandfound.com. In exchange for a free ticket to your show and maybe a curry.
Danny
ihavearadiohead2@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Invaluble bathroom graffiti
For a one time fee of 150 U.S Dollars, I will write a message of your choice on every public bathroom wall I come upon. For and extra, 50 Dollars, I will write it on the toilet seat.
matt
Gastonchild33@yahoo.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
Listen to Your Problems
For $20 (USD) an hour, you can call me up, and I'll be the caring, understanding person you always wished you'd known. I'll listen to your problems intently and ask you questions about what you just said, and even thrown in a couple of "awww"'s. You can't afford, to not call today.
Harry Jenkins
LuckyLucci13@hotmail.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
We must live up to our name!!!!
We are a rap/rock/punk/indie band based in the West Midlands and our name is Twenty Dollar Whores. This site has been created purely to call our bluff and we are rising to the challenge!!! We will play any venue where there are at least 100 people for expenses only! For £13.42, any female in the audience can have sex with any member of the band!
Twenty Dollar Whores
band@20dollarwhores.co.uk
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Correspondence
For the amazingly low price of your time (which may or may not be valuable), I will be more than happy to start corresponding with you via email or snail mail. Topics can include anything you wish from the weather to your lack of a love life or, if you wish, you may simply say, "Hello!" and I will start the conversation from there.
May your days be long as well as your nights.
Matt
headsplice@hotmail.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
ORGASM-INDUCING COOKIES OF AWESOME.
$15 (plus shipping) for a batch of GIANT, KICK-ASS, ORGASM-INDUCING cookies of AWESOME.* The most delectable cookies known to man can be yours! Tried-and-true chocolatey, oatmeal-laden, peanut buttery eternally soft delights certified delicious by college undergraduates and my brothers. They are HARDD-KORE like Aron Ralston, X-TREEM like Vin Diesel, and TOTALLY SWEET like Yoda.
*orgasms not guaranteed
Cookie Dispenser
schroedinger@gmail.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
I'll Shout Abuse At Street Performers
Do you share my hatred of street performers in London's West End? Do you watch those twats who cover themselves in silver and wonder why the hell they bother? And every time you see a juggler, do you wish for once he'd drop one of those burning sticks he's juggling and burn to death? But are you too shy to actually shout abuse at them? For just £20 an hour I'll meet you in central London where they tend to hang out and shout any abuse at them that you wish me too. Who know's it may destroy their confidence so much they'll give up doing this. We could be doing the world a favour. So contact me now.
Alex
garbled@email.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Lot's Wife Inc.
I will seed your fallow ground with salt so that nothing will grow there ever again. 20 quid per square metre, or will accept giant stone coins from the Yappian Islands. Salt not included in service price.
Lick Spittle
shmackityshmackshmack@arglebargle.com
Canada - 2/7/04
Practice
I will practice for you. On your behalf I can practice guitar, banjo, fiddle, steel guitar, mandolin or harmonica. I can also practice meditation, drawing or cooking. I can practice paying attention, not getting angry in traffic and putting my shoes away. There are any number of things that I can practice on your behalf, all for the low price of $5 an hour, and the assurance that if I go to the trouble of practicing for you, you will improve.
p-bat
pesterbat@gmail.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
Costume you!
For 50£, send me a photo of yourself and I will draw a picture of you in whatever style of historic theatre costume I fancy. On real art paper and not in crayon!
M...
maddiekat369@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Lifestyle Adjustors
Shoes hurting you? Too many bottles of vintage wines collecting dust in your cellar? House prices too high?
If you've answered YES to any of the above questions, you need to contact the Lifestyle Adjustors(TM).
For a small lifestyle sum (paypal, cheques and postal orders all accepted), we have a small, experienced staff that will help you.
SHOES: A professional shoe wearer will wear in your shoes (Jimmy Choos or Manolo Blaniks only) for you. YOU NEED NOT SUFFER BLISTERS AGAIN VINTAGE WINE: We have a dedicated group of four professional wine drinkers. Their speciality is drinking vintage wine, quickly.
FREE UP YOUR CELLAR SPACE, QUICKLY HOUSE PRICES: Liaising with outside agencies is our forte. We are currently in contact with seven convoys and three bands of gyspies. They will camp out in an area you are interested investing in; leaving the moment your house price decreases and you are able to make that special purchase.
DON'T PAY OVER THE ODDS
We do not have a set price list, please contact our sales department on closetbwoy@hotmail.com to negotiate a competitive rate for some of the world's most sought after services.
closetbwoy@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Eat Poop
Who wouldn't want to see a grown man do this?
Bob Craine
bobbc@aol.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
web design
i will design a website for you for $300. http://shiftedfrequency.net
richard
richard@shiftedfrequency.net
United States of America - 2/7/04
Sing along ding dong
You need sounds? Everything you want from snare drum to synthesizer or from hitting old buildings with clubs and sitting in the city taking samples from people talking we will do. There is no special interrest group for "Music Wreckers".
Name your dream and we“ll make it in music!
Sandro
ShadeofPain@gmx.net
Germany - 2/7/04
Do nothing
For a small sum of only $20 (US funds only please), I will do nothing. Just sit here in front of a computer and waste away the days instead of doing something productive. Paypal accepted.
Me Again
girldogger@yahoo.com
United States of America
Cut price deals
I will do any of the things listed by anyone else on here at 20 percent cheaper price.
mr chuffy
froop@kinkyafro.org
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Copy Writer. $25/hour
Need writing for a website, menu, or any other marketing material? i am a willing and able copy writer, always looking to give that extra little something that may be missing from your material! contact me, and we'll have a chat!
Michael S.
m_stuhler@hotmail.com
Canada - 2/7/04
Accompaniment on a breathtaking tour of Antarctica and the Falkland Islands
Enjoy the stunning beauty of the seventh continent, while relaxing in a luxury suite on a 17-day cruise. Witness amazing marine life - whales, dolphins, krill - as well as native Falkland and Antarctic fauna such as king penguins, fur seals, and giant petrels. Beginning in Miami, I will accompany you throughout your journey. I will photograph and document the entire trip, so you can relax and enjoy the views sans viewfinder. I can regale you with tall tales, witticisms, and platitudes that are sure to amuse, befuddle and enthrall you. If you'd prefer, I'm equally adept at avoidance and standoffishness, allowing you to enjoy your Antarctic adventure in peace and solitude. For the price of two luxury suites ($14000 each), air travel from California to Florida ($800), and any expenses that arise, all this can be yours. Act now, and we can schedule the trip for Christmas holidays, and I will give you -free of charge- a wrapped gift on Christmas morning!
sai
sai1138@yahoo.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
SOMETHING
I will kick your mom RIGHT in the face.....fo 20 dollars american, plus airfair and accomodations. YES....right in the face.
phatty mckatty
kat@rickymartinsvagina.com
Canada - 2/7/04
Kangaroo Salesman
For the tiny sum of an Australian $1 Coin I will personally kill a kangaroo and send the remains to you anywhere in the world. Postage and Handling is extra of course. I f you require gift wrapping for a friend it will cost an extra 50c.
The Real Crocodile Hunter
martin_12_string@hotmail.com
Australia - 2/7/04
Professional Job Reference
Need to land that dream job but have crappy (or just average) references? No problemo. I can serve as your ex-boss at your ex-company and make you look like you walk on water. I have my voice mailbox at my former job still active, and I can change the message to be any title or postion you want. And once your prospective employer leaves a message, I can call back and say whatever you'd like me to say. You increased sales 500%, you were the best java programmer I had ever seen, or you had a natural knack for managing people - whatever you need. I've worked a lot of diverse jobs so I can bullshit well about a lot of things, plus I have one of those authoritative voices... and I've given enough REAL references to people (and called for enough)to nail it. For a mere $20 a call... that job is yours!
Carl
goldenbear87@yahoo.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
My soul for sale!
My sou is up for sale for 5,000,000. After my death, in hell of in heaven you can do waht ever want with my soul.
John Doe
killahpriest21@yahoo.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
i will narrate your life.
For 50 GBP an hour
i will follow you around with a small amp and microphone and narrate your life in the style of a suspence thriller ie. "as (your name) approached the toilet, a deep fear suddendly overcame him/her. had he/she really thought this through? deep down he/she wanted to shit, but the small amount of toilet paper left would only manage 3 wipes, on any other day this would suffice, but this wasnt any other day......"
glenn
glennbateman@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Will Draw Rude Cartoons
I will personally draw you a large (8.5 x 11) rude cartoon of your choice. You provide the subject matter and caption, I do the artwork. 5 bucks + shipping and handling.
thatguystolemybike
thatguystolemybike@hotmail.com
Canada - 2/7/04
I Will CALL and INTIMIDATE whoever you want
$20 (twenty american dollars) I will make an ENRAGED phone call, cussing, scaring, threatening or however you want it, to whoever you want. This can be a demand to leave your wife alone, or to stop their dog from barking, or to just scare the sht out of them. It can be completely anonymous, or if you want names mentioned, that is fine also. There is no limit to what Ill say even threatening to murder them if you like. 1) You supply me with information about whoever you want threatened, or intimidated. This can be his address, or number of children, or anything that can be mentioned to add to their worst fears. If you have none I can improvise. 2) You supply me with their phone # and also a long distance access number and a its PIN. These can usually be purchased at any gas station. 3) Once payment is confirmed, You tell me the time and date you would like the call, and you can consider it DONE. Ill will try as many times, including days, or WEEKS if for some reason I am unable to reach this person due to their schedule. (extra phone minutes supplied by you of course) I have a very stern and intimidating voice, and can EXPLODE in an angry fit of rage on the phone, and GUARANTEE to intimidate WHOEVER is on the other end of that call.
Jack Killa
skull_cr4k3r@yahoo.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
I'll suck your toes in Picadilly Square for Free
If you are a chick then at no cost, I'll suck your toes in Picadilly Square any time day or night.
Bertrand
pickme@loveable.com
Ireland - 2/7/04
Yes Man
Every wanted to always be right? Well look no further for Mr. Right than me. I will indulge you with agreeing to everything you say. Hours are limited. Call for reservations.
Edwin
edw1inw@hotmail.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
Rain on someone's parade
For travel costs and a few high fives, I will rain on anyone's parade. Take me to someone's party that you hate, and I'll piss on the floor in front of everyone. Take me to your worst enemy's college graduation day, and I'll throw mustard on his gown and laugh in his face. Other ways to rain on someone's parade negotiable.
Julian West
tcbocs@hotmail.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
"No" Man.
Yes men are everywhere.
Yes men will tell you what you want to know, not what you need to know. For AU$1000 a day plus expenses (note: adjust for inflation), I will give you my honest opinion on any question you ask relating to you or your business until such a time as you fire me. Firing me will cost you an additional non-negotiable sum, to be nominated by myself in the event of my dismissal. You will also have the right to include my name and title, and the relevent employment year in any prospectus documents, promotional materials, etc which you may release. You may not include information about what matters my opinion may have related to. As I so determine, I will also proactively inform you of any issues or matters which may arise and have relevence to you or your business. You will grant me any access, allow me to make any inquiries, examine any documents, and conduct any searches which I may determine as necessary for the proper formulation of my opinion. If I discover evidence of illegality at any stage, you accept that I will have an obligation to share this information with the judicial authorities. You will not impede this. At no stage are you at all obliged to act on any opinion I share with you.
On Advisement
hobnight@yahoo.com.au
Australia - 2/7/04
I will give you good advice
for 25 dollars i will give you advice on anything you need help with.
Ray Rivera
rayrivera2003@adelphia.net
United States of America - 2/7/04
Cool Stuff.
What do you want to buy in the US? I live in New Orleans, Louisiana. We have many cultural and unique items only found here. I can get voodoo or famous
candies from the area. You name it. Tell me what you want and I will let you know the costs. I will charge a small fee determined by the item. Nothing illegal! I have sent T-shirts, local art work, Praline candies, beignet Mix, and several other local treats.
Brondum9
brondum35@hotmail.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
Change
I will make change for a dollar in whatever coins I have in my pocket at the time.
Joel Friesen
joel_friesen@hotmail.com
Canada - 2/7/04
shit on your soul...
For a reasonable price, i'll sit and listen to all the reasons why you think your special and then i'll inform you how much of a fucking cunt-lick you are. YOu'll feel confused and desperate and ready to be brocken down to pieces the very next day!
novaburn
rchinchilla305@aol.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
Get something in the post for a pound.
If you send me one pound, I will buy something worth less than a pound,and a stamp, mail the thing to you, and pocket the difference. Can't say fairer than that.
Jan Pinkman
ianw@morpheme.co.uk
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
My Immortal Soul
Y Reg Canary Yellow Immortal Soul for sale, only one previous (not so) careful owner. The soul comes with an electric sunroof, central locking, Fuel Injection, air bags and anti lock brakes as standard. Full Service History is also available.
Price £795.00
Walt Dangerfield
waltdangerfield@aol.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Sal Paradise Serendes You (from my bedroom)
I am in a psychidelic rock and rollercoaster of a band and will for 5 minutes only go solo and acoustic to write a song about you or for some one on your behalf. For £4.99 I will send you a copy of the chords and lyrics and for £9.99 I will send you a recording of it. I do not guarantee quality or greatness but I DO GUARANTEE A SONG OF YOUR VERY OWN. (I however own the copyright)
Email me it would make a great present
Stephen Hall
letmespeaktosteve@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
computer time
i will spend all my waking hours at my computer - pro rata rates dependent on pissed off rating of my partner.
contact me for more details.
thelibrarian
sonbou.boo@ntlworld.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Idea Consultant
If you need an idea, any idea, I can come up with the goods.
Covering absolutely everything.
Fees range from 69p - £69,000000000000000
Angharad Parry
angusparry@aol.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Nightie
I will wear my nightie all day and take pictures for a tenner.
Carla
memento_te_esse_mortalum@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
NOT
For £10 I will, not.
kes
kes31@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
The secret of psychological pricing levels
£9.99
Tom Steinberg
klf@tomsteinberg.co.uk
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Phone Fuck
Give me £10 and I will phone anybody you like and tell them either:
A) You fancy them
or
B) To 'Fuck Off'
Neil
Stockport
Neil
neilismint@yajoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Forum Mercenary
Are you getting a hard time in your favourite forum?
Are people just not following the rules?
Or has a nasty element reared it's ugly head in what was once a place where you could breathe?
Then send me in - I'll sort the bastards out!
I am time served patter merchant - this time was served in rather hard Glaswegian forum (some of you may know the one I'm talkin about). However, I have also been banned from several other forums, notably forums for fly fishing, Wall Street (that one was a classic by the way!), Body Builders and Tennis!
My price?
Gies yer Jakit!
Mines a 99!
klfuhhu@emailaccount.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Alerting all major economic powers.
For only 10% of your nations GNP I will attempt to build a new planet from scratch.
I shall first create a wire-frame of the core before heating it to your specifications. I will then proceed to create layers of crust out the materials of your choice (within reason), before adding organisms, edifices and ultimately weather.
Planet size depends on budget.
Launching of planet will be at your cost and discretion.
I am prepared to do three media sessions relating to this project and expect payment in advance
Paypal, Postal Orders and Cash accepted.
The Brigand
Bri_gand@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
computers
anything computer related for any price. hack, crack, secure, program or just make pretty. name it and im your man
man_i_kin
man_i_kin
eternalvictim@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Let's 'av It !
For £250 I will come round and make you soup. Stilton, Leek and Potato and Meditteranean Fish are specialities. Croutons are extra. Might have to wear a mexican wrestler's mask if making Stilton, Leek and Potato soup.
NE One
neil@gongbong.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
SLAVE FOR 1 YEAR
I will be your personal slave for 12 months, doing anything at all, (that dosnt involve death or injury to me or anyone else) for 1 million pounds.
This is a genuine offer.
Remains ANNON until further notice.
grenspencer@orange.net
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
M25 Spin...
I, M-A-D, being of reasonable mind and slightly plumper of body promise NOT to bottle out of the next M25 Spin on condition that Tim doesn't drive any more than the first half and if Gimpo gets out the baby photo where he looks like ET.
Oh, and that should we all crash and burn horribly that someone will weep over my ashes daily for a month.
M-A-D
mad@m25spin.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING SOBER
For £25 an hour I will turn up to any mindnumbing office job and act sober whilst my charge gets drunk...(fridays £30p/h). As we all know drink makes the average day run at twice the speed, unfortunatley I still charge based on GMT/BST. However, surely this is a more viable choice than a scrappy sickness record or, at worse, out and out job loss. I look forward to working with/for one of you.REMEMBER, if your having a drink, leave the car, not your job....
Rich Parker
richard.parker@futurenet.co.uk
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Movie suggestions
For a pound per movie (+5% paypal costs) I'll provide you with a list of obscure movies to watch, either completely at random or based on your favourite genre, actor, etc.
Jim
jarowdowsky@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Feeling Aggreived?
Has some pissed you off or conned you out of something that you believe to be rightfully yours?
For a shiny new penny per complaint I will pen a letter to the person/institution/constitution that your grievance is directed at. Any compensation will be paid to yourself.
I may be forced to raise my rates slightly if the pressure gets too much for me.
Kev
kevinscott@fastmail.fm
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Write swear words
I will write a limited number of swear-words for £1 a pop. You may suggest your own words for me to scroll, or you may leave it to my imagination.
Due to time constraints, I will limit my swear-word production to no more than 1000 per day.
Disclaimer: in extreme circumstances, some words may not be swear words (that is they are not indicated 'vulgar' in the dictionary), but may just be a bit rude or suggestive.
Paddington Ziggy
myfakemail@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Bread and Butter Pudding
For the fee of £100(excluding travel costs) I will come to your home and bake you a beautiful homemade bread and butter pudding, for you to enjoy.
Note pudding feeds up to 8 people.
mel
claudia_dementia@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Bum fluff lovers!
For a nominal price of £10pw, I will viligilantly harvest my bum fluff for you to use and admire at your discretion.
Price does not include postage and packaging.
Futhermore, for an additional £5pw, you could also you could have the much sought after belly button gunk of this premier whore!
BUY NOW
whore
whore@cvconnection.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Mouse
I will clean your mouse. Computer or organic. I will remove all dirt and obstructions. £10 inc p&p.
If it dies, it wasnt my fault.
dja
landlord@itsnotabedsit.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Pedantic Twat
For £1, I will reply to an email purely to point out the spelling mistakes and ignore what you are trying to say.
A perfectly correct email pays nothing.
dja
landlord@itsnotabedsit.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Movies, musical records - I'll explain you why it's cool or why you've to get rid of it
You feel it's genius, perfect, so cool you're ready to give up sex for a year (... ok for a 2 weeks at least) only to enjoy it more... but you don't understand why this movie or record makes you so happy... and why people say it's a piece of shit.
You know worst thing ever happened to you - when you bought this shitty record or movie (a little better if you've got it as a gift)... but you don't understand why you so sick about it... and why it's in top five of best selling hits of all time (and even awarded by fucking Oscar/Grammy).
Maybe you can't understand yourself at all, so it's not surprise you can't understand anything about this movie/record.
NOW I'M the ONE who really can help you!!! (all the others - reviewers of all sorts - just trying to sell you something)
I will explain you all about it.
You'll get my explanations and you shall not have to make a choice what to do with this movie or record - you shall keep it till you dying day or put it in a trash.
WHY ME?
Because i'm Russian.
Russians are not so strong in democracy and economics (the same thing you can see all over the world except a few countries showing the highs and lows of "western" civilisation),
but good in eternal questions like
"to be or not to be",
"is God really exist",
"if there's life on Mars",
"who urinated in my beer"... ect.
So reputation of Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Tchaikovsky, Shostakovich, Tarkovsky (+ Kournikova & Sharapova worth of them all) is on my side.
and price...
it's cd (lp even better), DVD or VHS containing movie or music that troubles your mind (just what you want me to ask about).
Send it to me (postage on you), i will answer you by email.
Adress on request.
PS about price...
you know, money or 2 hours of good sex with pretty girl are always welcome ;-)
MOR (once i've tried to fuck The Millenium but fai
mor@mail333.ru
Russia - 2/7/04
a nice cup of tea
I will make anyone a nice cup of tea, free of charge all you have to do is drop me a line and I'll send you my address then come round and I'll make you a nice cup of tea. I do have some biscuits but if you want a something speical let me know and I'll see what I can do. E11
Ben
Ben Irwin
benirwin@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
A pleasant gift of cash through the post
How nice is it to recieve an unexpected letter...and then find out it contains money! Double Bonus!
Prices:
£10 for a letter + £5
£20 for a letter + £10
£30 for a letter + £15
I wont go any higher than this because thats just stupid.
Alun
alung.taylor@virgin.net
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Show You Magic Tricks
www.bookamagician.co.uk
I'm pretty good you know.
Mr Goat
itsaspamtrap@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Autistim Sufferer Examines Your CV for 40 quid
I'll tell you exactly why your CV isn't getting you any interviews for 40 quid.
I have a) recruited for senior technical roles and b) Asperger's Syndrome, a kind of Autism-Lite.
Which means I will be VERY honest, VERY blunt, VERY accurate and ALWAYS correct.
If your CV is terrible I will use insensitive, hurtful and often profane language. Expect to see the word "crap" a lot. But I will also pinpoint exactly where you're going wrong, so you can fix it. If it's because you're using a poor layout or are putting the wrong amount of details in, I'll explain exactly where you've fucked up.
And if it's because you're a lazy cunt with no worthwhile skills, I'll tell you direct.
Payment in advance through PayPal. Communication by email only. Turnaround 7 days. Double the price for 48 hour turnaround.
Andrew Oakley
andrew@oakley.net
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Piss on
I will piss on you for 50 ponds
Jimi
jimiriddle@hotmail.com
Wake Island - 2/7/04
The notion of contentment
For £12.50 I will sell you the feeling of contentment that can only come with a 'value for money' purchase.
Simon
simon.howat@amc.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
potatoe faces
I will draw a funny face on a new potato and post it to you for £52.
vic
howsmyhair@mail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Ex's stalked.
For £100 plus travel expenses I will happily stalk your ex for on a total of 3 occasions.
As part of the stalking package I will wave my Glock (stored in glovebox) at her and flash my RMP(v) ID.
Roger Stenning
roger@practicalairsoft.co.uk
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
parp
i will break wind whenever needs be. feed me the right food and £100 a day.
ta.
x
wiggy
breakism@uboot.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Feel loved
I can send you an email, yes, a whole email, direct to you every day/week/month. Work or personal email addresses, just feel popular and loved.
I promise not to sell you farm sex or Viagra, just a nice email asking how you are and detailing what I've been up to.
Make yourself feel more popular than you really are.
Average cost £2.50 per email but special rates can be arranged for those with particularly low self esteem.
Matthew Lake
matthew.lake@ukonline.co.uk
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Subvert My Principles
I am a man of principles. Some are important, some are not so important, some are whimsy dreamt up in a fit of boredom. But for a sliding scale, I will subvert, bend and possibly even break any of them. Examples below:-
£5 - Failing to tip a taxi driver
£7 - Not saying thank you to bar staff
£20 - Be nice to my ex-girlfriend
£50 - Stealing small items from HMV
£65 - Stealing larger items
£100 - Breaking and entering
£150 - Swearing at my mother/grandmother
These values are not written in stone and may be subject to barter should I be feeling particularly counter-culture that day. None of principle subversions may be used in a profit-making capacity, but purely for self-degradation.
John Fellows
john.fellows@granadamedia.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Academically quote you
For $300(AUD), i will insert a statement of your choice and extrapolate on its importance/relevance in my PHD thesis. Your name and your favourite idea/saying will forever be recorded and stored in all the great libraries in the world.
Excessively bigoted/hateful statements will attract a surcharge.
Tim
insanetimbo@dodo.com.au
Australia - 2/7/04
Snail Havoc
For a pound I'll paint your name on the side of a (freshly hatched) giant African land snail. Then I'll set it loose in the local allotment. Approx 50 snails available.
Stephen
stephen@twoplayer.net
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Impress your friends for £30
Ever wished your knew a minor celebrity so that your freinds would think you are slightly less dull than you actually are?
Well, for £30 plus travelling expenses and half a packet of love hearts - you can!!!
Yes, this offer may sound too good to be true, but it's not!
Just imagine - your friends walk into the pub and see you chatting to a bloke they don't know. They ask who is is and you say "This is Ben, he used to be in Extreme Noise Terror and appeared on the Brits with the KLF" or "This is Jim, he is the former world Jui Jitsu champion who was the stunt double for Keanu Reeves in some scenes of the Matrix" or the old favourite " This is Rob, he invented Coco Pops and once gobbed at Adam Woodyatt".
Popularity can be yours, but hurry while stocks last. Terms and conditions apply. Morgan reserves the right to fold under questioning and run out of the pub without refunding your lovehearts.
Morgan
twat@morgansays.co.uk
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Dedicate a poem!
E-mail me and tell me a bit about yourself. I will write and dedicate a poem especialy for you and deliver it to your inbox. For this service, all I ask is that you spread the word about my website, which I will send you the link for.
Col
colonic79@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Forget Razor Burn!
Forget time consuming, potentially painful bathroom antics. Need extra time in bed in the morning? Hungover? Want to look your best? I will shave my face on your behalf. Regular and Premium (star) services available. I will tailor my shaving style to your face's needs. Mustaches, goatees and beards not a problem. Weekly cost: USD5
Monthly cost: 20 Discounts for Group Bookings!
International Service, via Email!
Alidahan
shaveforyou@hotmail.com
Singapore - 2/7/04
Be in my prayers
In the demanding world we live in, many people find themselves either too busy to pray or perhaps they feel unsure of how to, or if it will work for them. However, now you can make sure your messages get through to The Spirit Of The Universe, with minimum disruption to your daily life and no fear of embarrassment of being caught on your knees. For £50 a month, I will pray for you every night, asking for forgiveness of your sins. You may keep me up to date with your new sins, so I can make sure that you are forgiven for them 'on-the-fly' and you avoid an eternity in hell. I will spend at least 5 minutes explaining to The Great Unknowable about your current dilemma and pray for redemption and good health. Contact Spencer Steel
spencer@steel.name I accept Paypal.
Spencer Steel
spencer@steel.name
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Mutual Feeling
Feeling lonely, or wondering why do you bother/ what's the point in it all? I will share a warm and/ or passionate embrace with you, if only that you promise to return the warmth and compassion. Brian ** ********
Waterford,
Ireland
Brian ** ******
fuzzbrian@hotmail.com
Ireland - 2/7/04
I will write you a song
You choose the subject matter. It can be as simple as 'apples' or as detailed as 'the time me and my mate dave met these two girls on the bus and ended up in a field with them at two in the morning tipping cows then shagged them behind a barn'. You may also specify whether the song should be a happy song or a sad song, serious or throwaway. You may also specify a title if you wish. You get a copy of it nicely recorded on cd. Price £50 for 2 verses and a chorus on an acoustic guitar with singing. extras
additional verses - £10 each
bridge/middle 8 - £10
organ - £5
bassline - £5
syn drums - £10
guitar solo - £5 (will be poor)
entire song done as a electro track rather than acoustic - £100 I retain the intellectual property rights to the song. I am completely serious about this but reserve the right to refuse if your subject matter is too difficult or not to my liking. Or if I can't be bothered. Further details e-mail me.
restlessboy
whoresong@paganwanderelu.co.uk
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
No time wasters please.
Fatwap
fatwap@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
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