Feet Pics
If you want a pic of my feet, just drop me a line and we can set it up however you like.....you can even have my socks or a piece of my toe nail for the right price.
Mike
mike4509@breakthru.com
United Kingdom - 6/7/04
Slick Computer
$1800 I'll build you a computer that's more of a lifestyle choice. Using this computer will allow you to claim that you're just better than other people and "That nasty Mr. Gates just keeps stealing our ideas". All computers come with a air of smug satisfaction.
Jobsy
jobsy@apple.com
United Kingdom - 6/7/04
UK Business
Credit card business, one owner from new. 46000 miles, power steering, metallic green. Front fog lights and lowered suspension. Ferbo springs and Hockenheim turbo. Slightly chipped passenger door. Don't mention our French business. $4 billion.
Egg
info@egg.co.uk
United Kingdom - 6/7/04
Zanmato
I will vanquish the strongest of foes. Payment taken in gil. Pay me a small amount, and my ridiculously camp dog will "attack". Pay me a little more, and I'll throw a knife. Pay me more than that, and I'll use my sword. Pay me shit loads, and, by Christ, your enemy will know about it. I'll chop in him half, with all blood coming out and everything.
Yojimbo
yojimbo@hotmail.com
Japan - 6/7/04
Unable to find that song?
For the bargain sum of 99p, I am willing to come around to your home and arrange your CD collection into alphabetical order, chronological order, in fact any order which rocks your boat. However, should I come across any copies of anything by Las Ketchup or the Cheeky Girls, our contract will become null and void and a compensation fee of £25,000 will be be charged for the emotional and physical distress and trauma inflicted. The number of cups of hot chocolate and pink wafers that will be expected to be supplied will be directly proportional to the number of CDs in your collection and how long it takes to arrange them. Cash only.
the love machine
seetalg@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/7/04
ANYTHING
Will do absolutely anything for 50p.
stan
stanlaures@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/7/04
Soul
Soul for sale! Best offer wins!
Caroline
caroline.parisy@babelmedia.com
United Kingdom - 6/7/04
Will fuck people's jobs over for money.
I will quite happily fire large numbers of my already-overworked IT staff in return for a few poxy quid. No offer is too low, no layoff too strategically damaging for grasping little me to be able to refuse it. Infact, I'm happy to do this just for the *possibilty* of earning a few pounds. I'll lay of 20% of my staff in return for a (one) lottery ticket. Can't say fairer than that. And I'm - almost literally - cutting my own throat, guv'nor.
Dicky Fairbanks
CEO@capone.com
United Kingdom - 6/7/04
lego spaceships in your living room
for the price of one week's laser hire and material costs, I will come to your house and build the most amazing lego spaceship you've ever seen. The spaceship is yours to keep or disassemble. If I like you, you can come and watch my laser for a bit.
lasers are brilliant
lasers@oink.co.uk
United Kingdom - 6/7/04
Will Make your EX-lover jealous!
For £69 + Meal, i will accompany you anywhere that you require – to an event or party where you know your EX-LOVER WILL SEE US TOGETHER. Kissing and holding hands is included in the price, but a nice grope will cost you an extra £20. If you order NOW! I will throw in the Bonus activity of Meeting your parents and pretending that we are happily involved. No Canadians please! MAIL ME.
ernest hemingway
learntoescape1982@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/7/04
Prank Calling
I will prank call anybody you like, with any message you like. Calls are charged at a set rate of £5 for 3 minutes and £2 per minute after that. Can do Animal noises and celebrity impersonations. Silly voices and sound effects are extra. Paypal accepted.
The Phreaker
dawelshdude@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/7/04
Sporting Depression?
Are you upset about England losing in Euro 2004? Are you upset that Maria Sharapova ousted Serena Williams at Wimbledon? If so, this could be your salvation! I am offering you the chance to finally be proud of your fellow countrymen/women. For the mere price of £15000.00, I can arrange for you to become a citizen of any particular nation or state! If the Indian cricket team whup the Australians at the five day test, move out of Australia and into India! That's right, join a winning side for once! Book early for the Olympics and get a free t-shirt. (note: some countries may require extra funding for bribery and murder)
Mark Duwe
mark@vbloke.com
United Kingdom - 6/7/04
One soul equals one world
For the small cost of your soul I will turn the world to a better place.
Omnipotent being
noemail
Sweden - 6/7/04
Why have fun and a meaningful life?
Are you having too much fun and adventures in your life? Are you seldom bored? I have the answer for you! I´ll let you live my life for only 500 SEK per day. If you buy july you get august completely for free! Summer also includes teadious summer job and a city empited of interesting people. What are you waiting for? Call now! 90-00990-3889092-222-1834790
Jesper
Pillesnopp@ballefjong.se
Sweden - 6/7/04
Why pray?
For the mere sum of 5000 SEK I will grant your wishes. If the wish is for the benefit of mankind the price is 2500 SEK for national wonders and 3000 SEK for international. Wonders concerning the entire universe is unfortunally out of stock. Plagues and punishments are free of charge if you buy two or more international wonders. Yours sincerely God (or other omnipotent being of your choice)
God
noemail
Sweden - 6/7/04
Kung Fu Surprise Attacks
For £700 GBP plus travel expenses if outside London Zones 1-4, my Kung Fu Club will attack you at random times during an agreed 5 day period. You will provide a polaroid picture and description of yourself and sign a disclaimer agreeing not to testify if you are injured. Attacks will consist of both loan and group attacks if required.
JP
julianpeterso9@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/7/04
I'll Ride Anything
For a fee of $6,003.47 I will take you for a ride on an animal of your choice. We will journey across vast mountains of Colombia, harvesting coffee beans and cocaine along the way in order to maintain a constant "buzz". Whichever animal you choose, you must provide your own pooper-scooper, as we are trying to keep our country clean. (Disclaimer: Do not ever look directly at me!!!)
Juan Valdez
boogle@google.com
Greenland - 6/7/04
Cuddly wuddly kitten toes!
Will cuddle with my kitties for free. Videotape extra.
Josef Visharionvic Djugashvili
noemail
Wallis & Futana Is - 5/7/04
everything has a price.
send me what you think is fair tell me what you want if it is not einough i'll let you know if it is i'll do it.everything has its price.anything is posable.send me money.
Ted
ted-navada@sbcglobal.net
United States of America - 5/7/04
Twenty dollars to change the world.
For the modest sum of 20$, I will grant you a one-time only non-transferable right to quote or publish this current offer in any publication of your choice.
For a mere 20$, you can make a political statement about the free flow of ideas and the absurdity of the copyright system.
Publish this offer on your blog and encourage others to do so! Who knows? You could help to make a difference!
With only twenty dollars (US funds), you may change the world!
A French version of this message is also available for the same price.
Stéphane Lussier
faveurs@MortelsFeles.com
Canada - 5/7/04
Air Guitar
HI im selling my air guitar given to me by, well myself, but anyway the highest bidder will receice this fabulous guitar. features include extra air strings and air guitar carrier and strap. the guitar itself is light and you can take it anywhere. bidding has already started from £500.
carl
cwright@ntlworld.com
United Kingdom - 5/7/04
Chain Gang
For small fee (£1000 per day) I will make you work like a dog in my chain gang. You must like asphalt.
Bad Bob
bad@bob.com
United Kingdom - 05/07/04
Neffin
For a cup of tea with one sugar, I will 'nef' you!
Nick Ephington
nick21@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 5/7/04
I would start smoking again for you
I guit smoking 8 months ago after 12 years of hard smoking and 2 years of trying. I used marks, food, etc. to quit but for the sum of EUR 200 I'll start smoking again.
For one of you I can make even better offer - after starting to smoke I'll quit again (after 3 months of resmoking) - EUR 300.
gigli
niki_sap@hotmail.com
Bulgaria - 5/7/04
Recover your data
If you have important data that need to be recovered, I'm your guy. If I can't recover it, I won't charge.
Prices commensurate with importance of data to be recovered. We can discuss this later.
Oh, and whatever that is you need me to recover, I have no interest in it, the only thing that interests me is what you'll pay me to recover such data. Your secrets are safe with me.
john.wang
john.wang@rediffmail.com
United States of America - 4/7/04
phpBB and PHP-Nuke setup & config
I will set up phpBB forums or PHP-Nuke portals on your website.
Forums - $25
Nuke Portal - $50
Additional Skins/Themes/Templates - $2 each
Hacks/Modifications - Depending on complexity, $3 - $10, plus $1 per skin beyond the first.
Caveats: You must already have the server, you must give me an FTP account with access to where you want it, and your webspace must have PHP and SQL support. Payment accepted via PayPal.
Emtu Pfive
m2pt5@m2pt5.com
United States of America - 4/7/04
oh the guilt
For one million dollars I will kill myself and blame you in the note I leave. A few personal details required.
smyth
dfasmyth@hotmail.com
United States of America - 4/7/04
Spouse Substitution
Wife or Husband gone for the day? I will come over to your house and fill in for them. For wifes I will ask you what you are thinking over and over, be mad, be happy, be mad again, do something annoying on purpose, and talk about hot celebs. For Husbands I will burp, fart, watch TV, talk about women on TV, and ask you when the next time we get to have sex is. Wife replacements cost $5 Canadian and Husband replacements cost $7 ($2 more because I need to by beans to fart) and for those busy couples I will be both of you while you are on vacation or out of town, so no one knows you are gone, for only $9.50.
Mike Nelson
funny.mike@rogers.com
Canada - 4/7/04
i'll sell my urine
if you need to pass a drug test for work and need clean urine i'll sell you mine for five American dollars(must live in the central coast of california)
curby
crbiss@yahoo.com
United States of America - 4/7/04
Create Your Theme Song
For $50/minute (song length) I will create your own theme song for you. You provide me with any materials you think describe you or you would like to represent you (as long as they are scanned or in some other way electronically transferable), and I will use what you give me to custom-tailor your own tune.
I reserve complete creative control and credit for creating the song, though you can choose the name of it yourself if you'd prefer. If you don't like the song, give me more materials, a written explanation why, and what you want changed and I will create a new one for you for $40/minute (no refunds on original or recreation costs).
$20 up front for all transactions, the rest paid upon song completion.
Vega
mrbarnardo@yahoo.com
United States of America - 4/7/04
Song about anything
I will write a song about you for five dollars. I will write a song about your boyfriend or girlfriend for five dollars. I will write a song about someone you hate for five dollars. Your mom, your dad, a dog, a cat, a horse, a rat, a house, I don't care, I'll just write it. Tell me anything specific you want in the song and I'll take care of the rest. Head over to bardelson.com to buy a son, for more information, or to listen to a sample.
Sam Bardelson
funtimeswerehad@bardelson.com
United States of America - 4/7/04
Fuck your animal
I will fuck any animal dead or alive for $5000.For an extra $10 I'll let you video tape it.For an extra $100 I'll let you lick up the cum after I blow my load.Hurry up an e-mail me I sure am horny!
Frank Rizzo
rizzo@hotmail.com
United States of America - 4/7/04
Find anything on internet
10$ show you how to find anything on the internet.
Johnny Wishbone
niahmas@gmail.com
United States of America - 4/7/04
ENFORCED DESTITUTION OF TWO ABSENT FLATMATES - ENTIRE WORLDLY POSSESSIONS ON SALE!
ENTIRE WORLDLY POSSESSIONS OF TWO ABSENT FLATMATES
Must be collected before stupid bastards return from weekend in Yorkshire, circa 10pm tonight (Sunday). Note: future windows of opportunity may be available with slight reduction in contents, to be negotiated.
ENTIRE WORLDLY POSSESSIONS OF TWO ABSENT FLATMATES *includes*:
* One 2K Rig including 2 bass cabs, 2 mids, 2 highs, 5 sets lighting trusses
* Hundreds hardcore/ gabba vinyl 12 inches
* Two bikes
* At least three computers and assortment monitors, manuals, server, network hub, and various other techy junk
* Drum machine, assorted *EXPENSIVE* electronic music stuff, Atari ST...
* Many DVDs and CDs
* One stereo (amplifier, tape deck, CD player, two sets speakers)
* Camping gear including but not limited to tents, sleeping bags, head torches, waterproofs, coolbox etc
* Irreplaceable photographs of worldy travels and ex-girlfriends
* Shitloads of namby-pamby fantasy books
* Two dead plants
* Assortment of baggy, faded M&S underpants (unwashed)
* One broken sofa bed
* One not-so-broken sofa bed
* Irreplaceable and rare collection of antique anarchist/ punk t-shirts (unwashed)
* Collection of tools, drills, screwdrivers etc
* Duvets, pillows etc
* Entire contents of two food cupboards including but not limited to pot noodles
* Shoes, boots, socks
THE LOT!!!!
THE ENTIRE WORLDLY POSSESSIONS OF TWO ABSENT FLATMATES (TEWPOTAF)
TEWPOTAF can be YOURS!!!
All serious offers considered but WARNING: offers must be tendered by 9pm TONIGHT. Offers received after this time may have to include two slightly damaged, techy, soon to be destitute absent flatmates in package. Arrange your own collection.
Remember! TEWPOTAF is a non-returnable and non-refundable offer
Rochelle
rochelleh@gmail.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
Stinky Vengeance
I, Fuzzatchi, will do vengeance upon your foes for Twenty USD. Pitch me some ideas after payment, but usually I will figure something out. Avialable in Central Texas most of the time. (No killings, no cops, or similarily risky business. Popping someone in the head with a good rock is fine.) So let Vengeance be yours!
Fuzzatchi
spicybunz@hotmail.com
United States of America - 4/7/04
Show you the love - 20 pounds/hour
I am a psychiatrist. I knows all abouts the love. Come and get it while it's fresh. Sorry. Phresh.
Ciao!
Dr JP
cfc_facup97@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
Fresh air for sale
For £5 I will send you an envelop of fresh air.
Gemma
AngelicGemma@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
A quick and painless death!
Let me come right out and say this now: I am going to take over the world.
Yes. folks, you read it correctly. My dominance over your insignificant society will have the properties of lasting forever and also of being absolute. Every second that passes, brings you closer to the day where I will rule over you will an iron fist. No, wait...a TITANIUM fist. See, because titanium is more awesome.
So, here is the proposed transaction: after an unspecified time of ruling, I will become bored and begin the systematic elimination of the world's population. Perhaps I will use a diabolical machine of some sort, perhaps not, it all depends on if I find the right pants to go with it. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO TAKE THAT CHANCE THOUGH?
But do not crowd your useless brains with worrying thoughts, because a solution is available! Right now, for the measly price of $1 (one) Canadian dollar, I promise I will make your death quick and painless. It's a once in a lifetime (seriously) deal!
An once of prevention is a pound of cure right? So pay up, before I crush you!
Dr. Apocalypse
Roy.Apocalypse@gayamateurworld.zzn.com
Canada - 4/7/04
BUY JIM
FOR SALE: 1x JIM
EX MATE FOR SALE,
HE IS BALDING AND SLIGHTLY FRAYED AT THE EDGES.
ANSWERS TO THE NAME OF 'YOU BALD BASTARD'. NOT HOUSE TRAINED OR CUTE. ANY ABUSIVE OFFER EXCEPTED.
Baron Van Bugle Pants
baldtwitlion@aol.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
Ask Aleister!
I am in touch with the spirit of Aleister Crowley. For a nominal fee of £23.23 I will forward your life dilemmas and questions to the Great Beast. I usually contact him on a Wednesday evening after Coronation Street, so you're best off sending questions well in advance.
I'm hoping to start a dialogue with Malaclypse The Younger soon and for her Claire Raynerisms I'm going to charge £17.17.
Dean Cavanagh
deancavanagh@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
Be the Grosser Käse
For £50 (plus travel expenses) I will follow you around for a whole Saturday. Each time you ask me the time I will reply:
"It's YOUR time!"
Nick Clark
nick@sexmeasles.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
Ejudmacate Your Man About the Evils of Pride
For a simple donation of $10.00 CDN ($7.50 US) I will illustrate to your man why his pride is the only thing killing an, otherwise, wonderful relationship. ACT NOW Supplies are limited.
CaNucka TrucKa
rittamika@hotmail.com
Canada - 4/7/04
Virgins for those nasty pagan rites
I can get you those virgin you need for all your pagan needs.
The basic virgin comes at the age of 8 and costs only 500 POUNDS.
If you need an older virgin it will cost you 500 POUNDS more for each year (they do become rear).
Any other special needs can be met at the cost of 200 POUNDS per demend.
The price does not includes shipping and handling + Filming rights.
Sickbar
sickbar@hotmail.com
Israel - 4/7/04
Feet masage
Stress relief....emotion never felt before.....$200
Chien
unandalou@yahoo.com
United States of America - 4/7/04
Send a turd to a turd!!
For £500 I will send a fresh turd to any MP of your choice. I will post it in a brand new lunchbox (this item will be subject to the ones available in Woolworths at the time)with a drink and a sandwich and a penguin.
Russ Sanders
info@julian-cope.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
Programs
i can sell you my programs i made for 25 dollars each.
see http://peanutsoft.tk for programs
reinout
Reinout_Roels@msn.com
Belgium - 4/7/04
EVIL CLOWN FOR SALE
As an evil clown i will come to your party,drink a lot, be sick (probably), charm your females into a night of evil clown love,start a fight,organise family rows,fall in the grave,do crap magic, smoke illegal drugs,make children cry,women weep,dogs and cats lose their hair,and men curse their God.I also skateboard......fast....down hills.
All For £250
The Mighty YamYam
ecomike10@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
I promise to follow any person in entire world and harrras the verbally, sexually, physically for 24 hours whilst wearing any costume you see fit. 200 pounds per session (350 for celebrities).
Tom Squires.
tomgroovy@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
Wilderness Canoe Expedition on Worlds's Largest Lake
I will take you on a beautiful wilderness canoe expedition on the world's largest lake, provide canoe and all necessary camping equipment, prepare and serve all your meals for you, make love to you on a variety of warm sand, cobble and rock beaches, and read to you from the book of your choice. If you are married, please be advised that you may not bring your husband along. You should supply the book, however, that is negotiable as I have a significant library. My fee - - and I am non-negotiable on this - - is that you must thoroughly enjoy yourself.
Swete Swyfen
swyfen@hotmail.com
Canada - 4/7/04
CAN'T SLEEP!? I HAVE THE ANSWER!
I possess a unique skill. A skill so deadly that had the Americans been able to remain awake during my presentation, they would probably have used me in advance of their Iraq invasion to reduce the active opposition.
Yes.. For only £10 per hour, or an unlimited session of £50, plus travel expenses if required in person, I will talk to you about a variety of subjects - favourites being obscure British cars, unusual home computers, Apple and the history of Apple, why Sinclair screwed up, why Globalisation is a good or a bad thing, I don't really know, but I know I like capitalism, and many, many more.
For an additional fee I will un-learn the ability to animate my speech and talk in a flat and dreary monotone akin to John Major's Spitting Image Puppet.
(I cannot guarantee my service will last for any period in this mode)
I know many, many facts, some of which are true, and love wandering off on tangents. Whatever the point was, I guarantee you will have forgotten it and will have to have it all explained all over again.
Why do you need this service? Forget counting sheep - I can put you to sleep faster than a sadistic vet with an axe & a box full of puppies in a primary school. Or sick of that answering machine? Give me the number, and I'll fill their tape with an analysis of the Automobile industry in the United States of America between 1964 and 1978, or the development of the IBM Power architecture - from memory![1]
Don't delay - bore yourself today!
[1]Accuracy guaranteed to be wildly variable.
The Somnabulizor
atari@btconnect.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
To Share Your Burden
Feeling guilty?
Shameful?
Full of regret?
Cannot handle what you've done?
For £2.00 I will share your burden with you. I will carry your feelings of guilt, shame, regret and inadequacy. You no longer need to feel inferior. Simply send your negative emotions onto me and live a happier, more productive life.
Van Goggy
isnt__anything@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
only 999$
Yo wanna hate aomeone??
Yo wanna hate someone until yar death??
Give me 1000 fuckin´ buck$$ and a Cleaver...
PS: if yo wannna order it, yo have to pay my flight 2
Avanti Aisa
Aisaspirator@ya.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
Domestic Bliss
I am a domestic godess. I can come over to your house and spend a whole day cooking and cleaning. I can also knit you a jumper, sew up new curtains, save your dying plants, mix martinis and light cigerettes.
I don't want any money. Just a satin slip, a bunch of jonquils and head.
Kate
katemiffy@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
Entertainment for Hours
Tired of being on the computer bored as hell with nothing to pass the time except a sturdy right arm and some cheap porn off kazaa?
Well look no longer. for only 50 dollors plus Shipping and handeling which you can also send to me. (I will send you an estimate) I WILL GIVE YOU my bookmarked websites.
This large archive of webbery shall keep your zipper up and your mouse clicking for hours long.
IN ADDITION: I will delete the bookmark! that right you will be the only one with this bookmark!
Chris
calvinJyah@Hotmail.com
Canada - 4/7/04
You! From the future!
For a packet of BBQ chips, a scoop of orange chocolate chip ice cream and a mint 1972 Steve Austin: the Six Million Dollar Man action figure (still in original packaging), I'm willing to phone you at random times of the day and night pretending to be your future self, returned through time to help you avoid making poor life decisions.
Ladies, please keep in mind that your future self has a more masculine voice than you might be expecting. This is the result of just one of many unwise choices I can warn you against.
Chris
harry_whodunnit@livejournal.com
New Zealand - 4/7/04
The Future Of The World Is In Your Wallet.
I'm the last musical talent due to discover before the end of the days. This is mainly because i speak slow & poorly. Precipitate the end of the world by listening to my sounds, making me a worldwide phenomenon, filling yourself with the knowlegde of what's to come. I can make you a believer in just 3 minutes of creative wilderness, all just for the absurd price of 100 pounds.
Manic_Miner
rottennik@ya.com
Spain - 3/7/04
nails through my septum
for 10 euros each i will push nails through my septum (also thick 1cm nails are ok).
you can have digital photos for free.
nau
nausea01@hotmail.com
Italy - 3/7/04
I will,,
For 10$ a week I will write you a happy cheefull e-mail every day. If thats not your cup of tea I will write a nasty brutish e-mail. I would even perhaps consider writing you something kinky and weird but depending on conntent we might need to renegoitiate my fee. I will throw in for no extra cost some of my favorite links for you to peruse. I might also do the same for copys of your favorite music compilations.
Danny
dwharbin@gbronline.com
United States of America - 3/7/04
Rat Fink
I'll Rat out anybody you want to the RIAA. I'll call the RIAA piracy hotline with fresh tips on your selected target on a daily basis, each more sensational and incriminating than the last. I'll even plant some evidence if needed. All I ask is a free MP3 for every day this service is supplied. There is a 10 MP3 discount if our transaction results in a conviction.
Vice
raj@ohmpage.ca
Canada - 3/7/04
my semen for £5 a pop
how would you like a chance to own my fresh spunk delivered straight to your door in a sealed bag???? i am offering to come and service you personally for an extra £10 an hour plus expenses!!!!
be the first lady to have my child
i accept no responsability for any costs or medical bills for the afformentioned child!!!
i will include a turkey baster for any woman that accepts the £5 samples
this is cheap as most pregnancy clinics charge a fortune , im offering my semen for only £5!!!!!!!!
BARGAIN
dj pencil
dj_pencil@ntlworld.com
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
SPAM every whore
For $100 I will harvest all the email addresses on the youwhores.com website and send every whore a message of your choice. You can use this opportunity to sell viagra, herbalife, morgages, penis enlargement pills, or other useful products.
Jonah Peretti
peretti@media.mit.edu
United States of America - 3/7/04
I will kick your ass: $10,000 U.S.
That's right... I will travel to the ends of the earth to hunt you down and put the beating of your life on top of you.
A genuine New York City ass-kicking the likes of which you've never seen.
I'll wail the hell out your sissy, puny little foreign ass, you betcha.
No matter what third-world shithole you live in, be it Zaire or the U.K., I'll arrive promptly at 8 AM NYC time and proceed to whip you through the streets like the mangy, flea-bitten cur that you are.
At no extra charge I will administer the drubbing with a Bensonhurst Negotiator (similar to a Louisville Slugger but with nails).
I guarantee that I will enjoy this 100% or your money back.
Transportation not included.
Vinnie "The Pooch" Pucciarelli
Haltorr the Unclean
ghost@ghost.net
United States of America - 3/7/04
Looney for sale.
For the bargain price of £28.99 and a couple of dead budgies I will paint one half of my body green, one half blue and run around the cathedral of your choice naked whilst screeching PTING!
for an extra £2.50 I'll use a third colour.
Alex Hunter
Alexhtr689@aol.com
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
Washington Interns Gone Bad
For US$20 postpaid, I will send you a DVD of the film that I wrote, directed and edited. It's called Washington Interns Gone Bad and it's a raging underground political comedy, 85 minutes long. It was nominated for Best Narrative Feature at the 2003 Barebones International Film Festival. This DVD is presented in 16:9 widescreen and also features many extras such as an outtake reel, behind the scenes featurette, trailers and a music video. You can see the trailer and read the press and reviews at http://www.WashingtonInternsGoneBad.com
For negotiable sums of money, I will make a custom movie for you.
Jason Buckley
jason.buckley@gmail.com
United States of America - 3/7/04
take the hassle out of searching for crap screensavers
yes i will provide you with weblinks to truly crap screensavers,ie dolphins,underwater type rubbish and other naff screensaver type things your search is at last over....dont let download.com have the monopoly on this,(scum)just leave it too me(£1.50 per link
armo
arms01@lycos.co.uk
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
fancy a shag?
I will sell you my virginity for a million squillion pounds. Or nearest offer.
I am a cute 20-year-old who just can't find the right guy and is frankly sick of waiting. I am not overweight/hideously unattractive or excessively hairy. You must not be any of these things either. I reserve the right to retain *some* standards.
I would have put this on Ebay, but I'm too damn lazy. Which also might explain why I'm still a virgin...
jo
handbagheroine@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
ideas
for $5 USD, i will help you create an original, deliverable service at a realistic price for listing on youwhores.com - with intentions of attaining a black star.
ed burn
bolognagallery@yahoo.com
United States of America - 3/7/04
used hats
i collected the other weekend at glastonbury half a dozen badly drawn boy/damon gough hats which he threw into the crowd at some of the most exciting parts in his set.....with out ever revealing his sunroof!quite deft....which i now offer for sale at the sum of £150.00 each,these items smell of some kind of bovine excrement which of course is damons effort to re-grow his mane,coupled with the warming of the head effect given by consistant headwear
paypal accepted
armo
arms01@lycos.co.uk
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
Sanitary Towel baked into Pie thrown at Face
For £25, we will bake a used sanitary towel - preferably of the tampax brand - into a Chicken and Mushroom Frey Bentos pie.
We will then proceed to launch this delight at your FACE. (Including the aluminium baking base).
Client reserves the right to select optimum temperature of pie.
For an Extra £1.20, to cover overheads, the client can choose a different 'Frey Bentos' pie, providing its available at the local Kwik Save.
David Capp
morrischeezy@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
Do whatever I feel like all week
Send me anything. Money, goods, concepts... anything.
In return, I will do what the fuck I want, no matter what you request of me.
Have fun, I know I will.
Paul the Hippy
nizmo@operamail.com
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
Would you like a "Real Man" at your party?
Two "Real Men" would be willing to come over and be entertain for your party. We ask that only women be in attendence. We would come in to your house, sit in the most comfortable spot in the house, and not-so politely ask you for a beer. We are willing to burp and fart for a small fee. We are ready to verbally abuse you at any turn. Our pants will be unbuttoned in order to rest our hands there. We ask that you provide full cable and at least a case of mid-level beer. Our asking price is $200 dollars an hour, as well as reimbursement for travel expenses. We are non-threatening and expect the same in return. The party is best resulted when everybody thinks we are there to strip. Only questions and interested parties need respond.
Atticus
emotionaldiscountoutlet@yahoo.com
United States of America - 3/7/04
good ideas
tired of shit ideas? let me change all that. rangeing from £100-£1000, depending on strength of idea.
bong
bong@merseymail.com
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
Make you girlfreind jealous.
For the price of Twenty US dollars I will call you anywhere in the Continental United States and leave a message on your answering machine, voice mail or with your girlfreind herself.
If on an answering machine- I will talk in a cute sweet southern accent (my own) and call you "baby" and "sweetie" at least twice. I will mention how much I miss you and what a great time I had with you the other weekend. I will ask if you can meet me again soon. I will not leave my number but instead I will remind you I gave you my biz card
If I speak to your girlfreind-
I will leave a message for you reminding you to call me like you promised to the other weekend. I will tell your girlfreind "You must be his sister, he told me you lived with him, How is your treatment going?" If she asks "what treatment?" I will reply "oh nevermind" I will tell her to just have you call me.
For an additional $1.00 I will use the name of your choosing.
For an additional $20.00 I will email you and IM you 3 times each. (anytime except the hours of 11a till 9p M-F)
This is so your girlfreind will wonder who you are IM'ing.
contact me @ priestesspisces@(removespamcatcher)earthlink.net
Pisces
priestesspisces@earthlink.net
United States of America - 3/7/04
Random Junk from my house.. Nice or Nasty
For $20 I will send you a random item(s) from my house, rather than put it up on ebay.
Your $20 Includes S&H in a nice USPS Priority Box (good for up to 3 lbs. worth of stuff) to anywhere in the USA.
Among the random Items: CCGS, RPGS, Miniatures, Star Wars/Star Trek stuff, bags of my Mom's old clothes, books, CDs, Broken guitar strings, backups of old data from my old PCs, used tissues.. if its around the house, you may wind up with it.
For $10 more, I will send a random box of nastiness to someone. My kitchen trash, a box full of used cat litter (makes good Dog Treats), a slightly used towel my GF and I utilized after a night of hot passion, Cigarette butts... Whatever is at hand.
All items good or bad, are random.
Mr H
orbboy2002@yahoo.com
United States of America - 3/7/04
FAKE GAY LOVER
For £50 + travel expenses (from Belfast to anywhere in U.K.) I will pretend to be your gay lover for 24 hours. If you want to break up with your girlfriend/wife/whoever, but can't think of a valid excuse, let them see us together! They won't come near you ever again. Free beer and cigarettes will only enhance my performance!
Gordon McKinley
molemckinley@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
a bowl of crickets
Last night, i was asked if i would eat a bowl of large crickets for 40 000 dollars. Not only did i say yes, but I'd do it for US$ 500. So here's my offer.
I am also willing to shave my long beautiful hair into a mullet for $500.
Tinks
martinka283@yahoo.com
United States of America - 3/7/04
Wake Up With A Fart!
For $500 US, I will call you every morning for a month at 5am (your time) and fart into the phone.
You must however answer the phone - I will not leave a message on your answering machine. I will wait four rings only. If you do not answer the phone for whatever reason, I will not refund your money.
Need To Know Basis
thegreatsatan@bust.com
United States of America - 3/7/04
Play Russian Roulette for Entertainment
For the low low price of 20000 for the 1st chamber i will play Russian roulette for your betting and viewing pleasure. Willing to play up to third chamber but it doubles each chamber. Must provide secure location, travel expenses, and handgun. I'm American so use it and get a good draw make a fortune on the illegal DVD sales!!!! What are you waiting for email now.
bamjoker
bamjoker@hotmail.com
United States of America - 3/7/04
Invent a made up language and write books in it
For £99 pounds and a bottle of beer I will invent a made up language and write books in it. Will make up any sort of language you like, write whatever sort of book you like (fiction, poetry, science, politics, erotica, comedy, science fiction, crime, westerns, fantasy BUT NOT BOOKS ABOUT HAPPLY LITTLE ELVES).
Examples of language I have so far made up:
Olijumop:
yes = paperbacked
no = lopsided
earwax = group hug
he = anteaterdisestablishmeantarianism
she = pill
hairbrush = brezdharmaca
cd player = old man went up a hill
Vanxx-High-Vanxxx:
yes = he
no = yes
earwax = hairbrush
he = cd player
she = earwax
hairbrush = she
cd player = no
Elsie's square jaw unity language:
yes = la la
no = la la la
earwax = la la la la
he = la la la la la
she = la la la la la la
hairbrush = la la la la la la la
cd player = la la la la la la la la
Saul
saulisagenius@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
Cheap Soul
I have one, slightly used David Brewer soul. 15 cents.
God
brewerssould@hotmail.com
United States of America - 3/7/04
i will change your life
with airfare and luxury accomodations provided, i offer unique, perceptive insights, lightning rod style psychic chemistry, and great humor. for more informaition, reply with a detailed description of your mental state and your estate, then the details of your desperate need.
kulgarr
skritchmail@yahoo.com
United States of America - 3/7/04
take pictures of my feet and send you my used socks
would you like to look at my size 8's?!?!?! i will send you photos of my feet, nails painted or not along with a pair of worn sockies (any preferred kinds???) for $50
naughty kitty
laracrika@yahoo.com
United States of America - 3/7/04
I'll pick your nose
If you find picking your own nose distateful, I'm your man! For US$20.00 I will pick your nose until it is fresh and clean.
Thomas Topham
tom_topham@hotmail.com
Kyrgyzstan - 3/7/04
Ritual
I will perform thee ritual of thee three fluids dedicated to thee will ov your choice. $50USD.
Fresh sigil from ritual, for framing or burning. $25USD.
Consequences are thine. All rights - including refusal - reserved.
Lupus X
gnosis23@hotmail.com
United States of America - 3/7/04
YES YES YES!
Need definitive reassurance that your misconceptions are in fact 100% true?
>From minor quibble to full scale national conflict: Be assured of the rightness of your cause!
Tired of long protracted pub arguments where your friends tell you they are right about a certain topic and you are utterly wrong?
Are you a President or Prime-minister
whose offensive military strategy has received widespread public and political condemnation and revilement?
For £100 Sterling I will assure you that your position in the argument was right and all your foolish so-called 'friends' were wrong.
(Please note: The basis of veracity is calculated by means of the subchequetif software system: veracity is for personal and private use only and may need to be enjoyed indoors with or without the use of tinted sun-glasses. Sunlight may make veracity flammable and/or toxic)
e-mail dadada657@hotmail.com with your gripe to receive an initial assessment and to receive details of payment options.
Peregine Vennall
dadada657@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
Answering Machine Listening Service
I will listen to all of your answering machine messages, $3.99 the first minute, $1.99 each additional minute.
Call Now! I'm standing by!
Lloyd
lloyd@lloydslounge.org
United States of America - 3/7/04
You look like you need a friend
If you are feeling lonely and tired of being a nigel you can pay me $500 and i will be your friend for the day. Conditions of this will be that it will be my choice if i have to be seen in public with you and particiate in any other activities with you. ALL I CAN GAURANTEE IS THAT I WILL BE YOUR FRIEND.
Stuart Friend
stuart66123@hotmail.com
Australia - 3/7/04
Lab Rat
You make it.. and I will eat it - $250 American Dollars a go
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
lucyinthesky@yahoo.com
France - 3/7/04
ALMOST ANYTHING!
I will do ALMOST anything for £10,000 which I desperately need!
Asha
bombasha@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
bonderoff
will post pics of me putting live bees on my asshole. price :250$
jason b
ejhustler@hotmail.com
Canada - 3/7/04
Tears Before Bedtime
Do you own a number of original artworks that stay locked away in a special containment facility at a determined temperature rather than actually adorn your wall or stand in your living room?
Can you and your partner watch television commercials for interior furnishings and honestly say that you can identify with the trendy young rich fucks represented therein?
Are you stirringly proud of the fact you have a mortgage?
If the answer to the above questions is YES, then I have the service for you.
For only £100 per hour I will provide quality weeping, laughing, choked screams, wailing, sobbing, crying, delirious chanting, rages of jealousy and other enactments of heightened emotions for you, the customer.
Because just because your soul has withered and died inside your hollow cgae of a screaming blackened heart doesn't mean you can't have feelings too.
PayPal accepted.
David O MacGowan
davidmacgowan@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
Campaign ideas
Drawing on a decade of experience working in the non-profit sector, successfully gaining the attention of the international media, I will provide a tailored list of at least 10 things you can do to draw attention to your issue. This will include ideas for demonstrations, campaign slogans, celebrities to contact and more. Good causes only, I reserve the right to decline my services should I deem your cause to be unworthy. Initial consultation and at least 10 solid ideas: £50. If you are happy with my services, further consultations can be arranged for an additional fee (or for free, depending on the issue/organisation involved).
Andrew McIlrae
mcilrae@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
Monkey Spank
I would ignore you for a tenner
Keyser Soze
arse@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
I Will Destroy Your Faith In God
For a mere one thousand dollars I will free you from the burden of faith in God. You will not get a better deal. Imagine waking up on Yom Kippur and realizing you have nothing for which to atone? Imagine never having to go broke each Christmas purchasing trinkets for ungrateful people to show how much you love the baby Jesus?
Don't waste time, life is calling!
Cash only please.
Annie Mae
eyebix@hotmail.com
United States of America - 3/7/04
Agree with you on Internet forums
I will register on the internet forum of your choice and post messages agreeing with you in any argument or flame war you are involved in. I have three PCs and multiple internet connections, so I can pretend to be several people at once without anyone detecting it.
£10 for each registration and £2 for each message.
£5 extra for each person when logging on as more than one person at the same time.
Thomas
thebigcity@lycos.co.uk
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
Dead Boyfriend? Missing his little ways?
Boyfriend died recently? Miss his little ways - the sweaty socks, the loo seat left up, selfish love-making, those morning farts?
I can provide all these things and more. Just tell me what you miss most about your late boyfriend and I'll come up with goods - all for the low, low price of $230/month. Why suffer needlessly when help is but an email away?
moomoo
moomoojuice@gmail.com
Taiwan - 3/7/04
Bring your stag party to Prague
For only 5 pounds I will allow you to come to my city with your moronic friends in matching t-shirts and viking helmets. For an additional 5 pounds I will tell you which bars to go to in order not to bump into me or any of my friends.
Sacha Brunel
sachabrunel@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
make happy (10?), recommend music (10?)
i would try to make you happy again, if you are sad. only nice people please, no stressing people.
i would also try my best to recommend you some new music when you tell me about your music taste.
David
best@inf.fu-berlin.de
Germany - 3/7/04
Never contact you.
For just £50 I will never contact you. Ever.
Mike
nudger@gmail.com
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
Tailor-made wish-fulfilment
I will stand by your side and help you realise every passing whim as they occur. I will sprint up and down your stairs with you waving a croquette mallett singing excerpts from Gilbert O'Sullivan's 1972 operetta 'The Dishcloth on my windowsill is dry and stiff' making squelching noises with the palm of my hand and an armpit, if you so wish. I will help you fashion a medium sized family car out of old cardboard boxes and place it it your garage, if you like.
Price: not less than two pounds fifty and a fresh jam sandwich per minute.
Percival Thighdangler
redstargloriousfiveyearplan@breath.com
Cuba - 3/7/04
Drunken programmer for hire
Experienced IBM mainframe programmer/analyst available to work on major IT projects whilst pissed out of his head.
Over 8 years' experience of MVS/OS390/zOS, TSO/ISPF, Cobol, Assembler, PL/1, CICS, JCL, DB2/SQL, bottled and cask conditioned real ales and continental lagers.
Expected salary: Market rate + free beer.
Flexible working hours prefered. No alcopops.
Smiffy
rightgood@johnfanzine.com
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
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