Genuine Scotch Mist
Real and authenticated by a video which is included in the price, of the bagging and sealing of a bag of genuine Scotch mist.
Captured from the banks of the Firth Of Forth, Scotland, under the bridges of the world famous Forth Road Bridge, you too can be the proud owner of the stuff of legends.
£10 plus postage and packing
All enquiries at the email address below.
Gregor
emailgregor@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 11/4/09
STALKER FOR RENT!
For the reasonable price of €25 a per mile (for vacations travel expences required) I will stalk you from your house to the supermarket, from school to work, where ever you go I will be following you in the shaddows and watch you sleep, it will cost extra if you desire physical attacks, breaking and entering and cutting locks of hair while you sleep, constantly ringing you up and breathing in the phone and saying creepy things ONLY €5 extra! hurry quickly cause this is a limited time offer! my services are very desired!
That guy you see on the street
nits112@hotmail,com
Ireland - 21/3/09
Feeling depressed?
Call me at 1 613 818 0735 and I will tell you a funny story.
Ben
benkrawec@gmail.com
Canada - 16/1/09
3d plastic mat
3D super quality plastic mats designed with Maldivian under water scenes. Its really interesting.
Mohamed
wadde_sh@yahoo.com
Maldives - 25/12/08
Does your bum look big in that?
Feel free to take pictures of your rump in that new skirt you're not sure about and I'll email back letting you know truthfully if it makes your ass look fat.
Michael Quinn
say.hi.to.michael.quinn@gmail.com
United Kingdom - 27/10/08
spelling, grammar and plagiarism
For a flat rate of £55 I will take any article that you cut and paste off the internet and add an appropriate amount of grammatical and spelling errors so that the work can be claimed as your own.
If you need me to copy the article from a book (ie type it all) then I will charge £245 on top.
Tubeway Andy
tubeway_andy@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 26/10/08
Commiseration
Do you have simple tasks or household chores that you just cant be arsed doing. Have you been putting off doing them for months and now they weigh on your conscience every time you think about them.
Do you leave the house under a cloud of regret and failed aspirations due to you're inability to get even these fucking simple things done.
If you need to share your woes with another human being I will commiserate with you for an hourly fee of $150.
L Bloom
lochlanb5@gmail.com
United Kingdom - 18/10/08
I would like to produce a really lovely website for your business or association.
I'd like to limit this offer to five pages of highly professional website design and implementation - €400, thats euro by the way. I like a challenge. I like to do one free website a year, for a worthy or genuine cause/band/association/charity/person etc...
backyardwebdesign
backyardwebdesign@gmail.com
Ireland - 13/10/08
Bender to end all benders!!!
Sick of being a binge drinker, i will escort you on the bender of all benders and provide the locals and scenery for your bender, and when your done i will provide an accurate report of your pissy actions, to your mom.
Tank
Deepcmonkey@gmail.com
Australia - 9/10/08
Mustache Rides
Buy one for $6.00 and get 5 free....
v.g. bond
v.g.bond@hotmail.com
United States of America - 6/10/08
Hired pencil
For a fee of £5 per sentence, £17 per paragraph, £23 per page or £40 per chapter, I will write a rambling, yet entertaining, piece of prose, some of which may be true and some will be clearly embellished, elaborated, exaggerated and even fabricated.
If you are interested, this offer is available in a limited edition of 500.
charlie
charlieheggarty
United Kingdom - 5/10/08
You Can Stay in Bed
Simply tell me what time you should get up in the morning/evening/night - and I'll do it for you - there's no point in both of us suffering.
Simply snooze away while i get up on your behalf. When late you can simply say 'Well, I was up at 4.30, I don't know what happened'
A fiver a pop.
Paul Edwards
paul.edwards@emap.com
United Kingdom - 2/10/08
Feel better about yourself now!
Feelin under the weather or a bit run down as of late? I have the solution for you. For only twenty bucks a month you can give me a call anytime you feel blue and I will tell you whats goin on in my life. I guarentee that when you hear what I'm up to any problem you have will seem laughable.
Kevin
wagskevin@yahoo.com
United States of America - 30/9/08
Speeches Do find it hard enough to string a coherent sentence together never mind write a speech?
Have a Important function or role to play at a friends wedding or other event and you have not got a clue what to say? I will write one for a small fee I can make it funny, sad, or sincere. Get in touch for any occasion.
Writting Wizz
mikemarsh2006@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 17/9/08
Professional book reader and film watcher!
Are you tired of reading books or watching films? Don´t you have a time to do it? I can read any beletry book or watch any film you choose and make an extract of it for you only for £20! I can also make school elaborates for extra money.
Ysengrin
una.gato@centrum.cz
Czech Republic - 15/9/08
always on my mind
send me a good qaulity photo of you plus the reasonable sum of £50 and you will be always on my mind.
jason walsh
vacantstatement.jason@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 9/9/08
tired of cleaning windows??
for $50 ill come over to your house, apartment or raggidy ass trailor and break every last one of those time consuming dirt magnets. ill kick, punch, throw things, headbutt, and/or shoot said windows and take my patented shatter stick and knock every shard of glass from around the frame leaving nothing but crisp clean air to block your view outside. i do not pick up the removed window pieces from inside and outside your house. contact me now and make an appointment!!
J
theriot5000000@yahoo.com
United States of America - 25/7/08
Your personal manager
For a mere 800,00 Euro's per week i will be your personal manager. Youz will feel like an absolute superstar. (Additional costs like traveling, outfitting, staus-symbols not included) I will help you organise your life, record a record or film with you, get you on TV and radio, get you entrance to VIP-events, make you famous if you have the funds to pay for me and the expenses! You will progress to be a star in whatever field you want. I am experienced and have over 25 years of knowledge in managing. Only serious replies please. Please understand that a project like making you famous can take up to one year; once you are famous, my compensation can be easily payed from your (then) huge income. I will also get a 10% share of your earnings. What a deal! Serious enquiries only.
DK
more-media@arcor.de
Czech Republic - 11/6/08
Use My Fertility For Your Own Benefit!
Unable to have kids? Maybe you have a uterus problem, or maybe you're a boy. Well, whatever the case, for a mere $14.00 Canadian, I will personally make a baby for you and mail it over. You pay the shipping costs. I'm not responsible for any injuries to the child.
Also, if the baby turns out to be a rotten little brat, deal with it, I'm not taking it back.
Natty
cornflakes@hotmail.com
Canada - 8/6/08
Zeitgeist Australis Carbon Based Parity Checker
Is your target market an Australian audience? Yes? WOW! We can help YOU!
Don't just add a Koala Bear or mere passing reference to outback barbecues and thongs, lowest common denominator culture will swallow so much more!
Don't come off as mooching off stereotypes, we will check your copy for lame "Aussie" references and replace them with deep self-indulgent metaphors.
We will provide this service in return for world peace.
exlex
exlexet@gmailpointcom
Australia - 25/3/08
Great Pacific Reverse Garbage Patch
The North Pacific Subtropical Gyre is a vortex accumulating non-biodegradeable photdegrading plastics and now contains over five times as much garbage as zooplankton.
You may purchase any quantiy of this garbage and we will ship it to your door for environmentaly sound disposal which doen't involve toxic polymers entering the food chain.
Contact us now to add to a trained email inbox and arrance a quote, orders over five tones will recieve a 77% discount.
exlex
exlexet@gmailpointcom
Australia - 25/3/08
Smell like fish be dead tired and broke.
For a small fee of 1 sixpack of beer (must be cold, brand is your choice).
I will get you a job on a longlineing fishing vessel, where u can bust your balls 20 hours a day for 2 weeks.
Ballbuster
deepcmonkey@gmail.com
Australia - 15/3/08
Free Lessons
This is a global open source project aimed to create a web of teachers who are willing to give lessons for free in any subject the teacher is qualified in. Persons who are interested to teach /their interest for free/ should contact the following email. Peace
electric vibrations
electricvibrations@live.com
Turkey - 1/3/08
Sick of people who won't go away.
Are you sick of people not going away at the end of your party? at you bar after closing time? or just want you neighbours to move. Hire Blame Coca Cola, we are the best at making people to leave. We have never had a public that stand watching us till the end of the show. We will come down for gas money and beer!
Blame Coca Cola
blamecocacola@gmail.com
Netherlands - 25/1/08
Create premier movie actor trivia game
Help me create the board game version of "Wolfman's: Name that Flick!", the premier movie actor trivia game. Think you are a "movie buff" or movie expert? Try my game.
Ex/ What movie has Alyssa Milano and Arnold Schwartzenegger?
Check out/Go to "Wolfman's Name that Flick!" at Amazon.com
Edward
ed_robbins@msn.com
United States of America - 7/1/08
Heavy Equipment Operator/
Truck Driver
Any one who needs a few odd jobs done around the ranch or the golf course who is interested in hiring someone to come out and do it for them. Consider givin me a ring. I can run just about anything u can throw at me and sometimes i can fix it too. Landscaping and tree work is not a problem, nor would post hole drillin, fence painting, trenching, ditching, dozing of any kind, residential irrigation,drilling other than water and anything else u might have kickin around for odd jobs. You rent the equipment and or own, and i'll get shit done,quick as possible with no fuck-ups. I will work for equipment or land but other than that i prefer day rate and accomodations provided.How much do i charge per day u ask. Well that all depends on how much fun i have after work. If you the client was a golf course or a hotel resort somewhere incredibly beautiful with tons of women and lots of free alcohol. I would not charge a whole lot of money.But if the opposite were true. U'd be payin out y'er asshole. So there you have it folks that's my 2cents on this amazing awesomely fuckin wackd website you silly fucks got goin on here. p.s and if u're a hot cougar I will work for free
muffinman
rigpigcalgary@yahoo.com
Canada - 26/11/07
NARROW BOAT SHIFTER - UPDATE
Want to move your canal boat but too busy, idle or scared to do it yourself? I'll shift it from anywhere to anywhere on the English/Welsh canals, excluding the tidal Trent. Let's say, what? Three hundred quid for a weeks work? Available from Christmas. Or thereabouts.
(Update due to change of email address and I was undercharging - still no takers though)
scorzonera
scorzonera@peacemail.com
United Kingdom - 4/10/07
Looming Essay
More concerned with partying than writing that looming essay? Nothing new there...
However, are you so dedicated to the art of partying that you don't even have the time to plagiarise an essay, cut'n'pasted from the internet, like everyone else does?
Well, for a mere £5 per 100 words, I will cut'n'paste some truly third-rate academic ramblings on your behalf, including some grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, just to make it authentic.
Any subject undertaken.
samuel m cooper
samcooper1111@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/10/07
Narrow Boat Shifter
Got a narrow boat? Want it shifting? Too busy/lazy/scared to do it yourself? I will shift your boat anywhere on the connected English and Welsh canal network except the tidal Trent. Two years since I last offered my services, so the price has gone up to around 250 quid a week (but I'm flexible).
scorzonera
scorzonera@peacemail.com
United Kingdom - 23/9/06
Professional roof-tearing...
DJ for hire. Will come play records at your house party/college function/bahmitsvah/armageddon readiness and preparation ceremonies. I play a huge range of tunes, all specifically catered for throwing yourself all over a room to.
London/Stratford-upon-Avon/Leamington only... will not play in Clacton-on-Sea... that place gives me the fear.
No cash payment necessary, just donations of beer and miscellaneous (unmentionables) for services provided.
Night of carnage and colossal tunes guaranteed.
Andrew
cakedandgreen@gmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/8/06
ALL odd jobs around the house, £25 p/h
ANY job needs doing at your house i can handle, just e-mail me for a prompt response, anything considered all at the bargain price of 25 quid an hour
tony
anthonysimons@hotmail.co.uk
United Kingdom - 21/5/06
STORY
I will write you a story.
Prices start at twenty five pounds sterling.
e mail for further details.
Walker
peteriwalker@hotmail.co.uk
United Kingdom - 27/11/05
Reacher for Sale
Having trouble reaching the top shelf of the medicine cabinet or can't wash the middle part of your back because you're too fat or have really short arms? I can help. I have been gifted with superior agility and a 6'6" frame that allows me to reach things that are generally unobtainable by the average bloak. Yes, I am a professional reacher. For the nominal fee of $14.50 an hour plus room and board I will reach for anything you desire. Cat caught in the tree? Well, as long as I can reach it from the ground I will return it to you. Don't waste your time with ladders or chairs. Get the real deal. Get a professional reacher! Stilts
Stilts
trigger80@hotmail.com
Canada - 25/11/05
Web Designer and Graphic Designer
Web Design : Simple, fast and efficient in HTML, FLASH or A Mixture of both (Tools : Go Live CS and Flash MX)
Graphic Design : Digital photo editing and manipulation and collage; logo design, business card design, form layout (Tools : Photoshop, Illustrator)
My rates range from : $50 for logos up to $1000 for a high quatlity website.
Send inquiries for a quote and also a date of completion time.
Thank You
Warren Galloway
webdesign@warrengalloway.net
United States of America - 25/5/05
rig sails
rig sails on any size mast 600. per day
aef
birdsong@aol.com
United States of America - 19/5/05
Jack Russell fighting
For a minor fee, I will kick the shit out of your Jack Russell dog. I promise at least 5 rounds. Any Jack Russell that floors me will be awarded with a tin of chappie. I accept cash, cheque, or paypal.
Stuart
stuartwiggin@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 7/3/05
nothing for nothing
I will do nothing, you pay nothing. I'm sure that is a fair price.
noman
noman@nowhere.non
Norway - 5/3/05
DUMP THEM THE EASY WAY!
Can't get up the nerve to break it off?? For $100USD, I will act on your behalf and break up with your significant other!
Willy Style
httpinc3@techie.com
United States of America - 1/3/05
Idolize your Sex
for $25 USD and a photograph with a short bio i will idolize you and create a web page on how much i want to have sex with you. male or female, i could care less. if you want to use this to get back at someone else who turned your offer for sex down, please knock yourself out.
Ono
dragonmaster808@hotmail.com
United States of America - 22/2/05
want to break up with your girl friend or boy friend
so you've had enough? well have a got a deal for you. i will sell my pubic hair to place in special locations (your bed, car seats, the kitchen bench etc) the hair can be purchased in single strands or economical clumps. the hair will be died to the colour of your choice. single hair $1 clump $5 and the dye job is just 2 bucks extra. for all ya pubic hair needs i am your man. in other words i am a hair bastard and it wont be missed.
dr ashley
abagash@hotmail.com
Australia - 22/2/05
I will hate for you! For a small fee!
For a minimal fee I will hate on anything you want me to hate. You hate avocados! Well guess what! I hate them too! (It would be a shame because I really do LOVE avocados.) You hate the Irish, well then, I hate them too! HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE, get it while its in stock. (The things that I will hate are what the buyer hates, it does not necessarily mean that I hate it, I only hate on a temporary basis for the buyer. Unless you are Japanese, then it’s more of a permanent kind of hate.) Price to be discussed once contacted. (WARNING: This item may cause headaches, drowsiness and impaired coordination as well as memory impairment, fatigue, irritability, light-headedness and insomnia. Also, Abdominal pain, aggressive behavior, agitation, allergic reactions, confusion, depression, diarrhea, dizziness, facial swelling, hallucinations, headache, high blood pressure, joint pain, mania, menstrual problems, nausea, rapid heartbeat, rash, vomiting.) Love to all,
Hater Haterson
hates@whatyouhate.com
Canada - 21/2/05
Are You In Or Are You Out?
Don't know? Send me £25.00 and I'll tell you where you stand.
oohbadboy
oohbadboy@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 20/2/05
Pen pal
My price: $10US. What I'll do: write you a letter. This letter will be postmarked from the east coast of the United States. If you don't live where I live, that's a pretty exotic locale, right? I'll write you whatever you want, I'll admit to having been your penpal, lover, hater, killing your parents, chopping off your hand, pissing in your girlfriends gastank while drunk, or being with you at the time she suspects you pissed in her gastank while drunk. The letter will be sent on the same day as requested, handwritten, and full of details you supply. Poor spelling and grammar are guaranteed. (Caution: letters may smell of spilled liquor. Perfume or cologne can be added for additional fee.)
Phil
zoner21@ahemm.org
United States of America - 16/2/05
Take You Tandem Skydiving Only £225
I skydive thats what I do I've only ever skydive that what I like! (3000+ jumps) I'm good cause I like it and thats why I'm 10 national champion. Are U Ready?
Pete Mac
info@goskydive.com
United Kingdom - 28/1/05
Dog Walking
I will watch your dog walk away and make no attempt to stop it.
Jumbo Jex
jumbojex@hotmail.co.uk
United Kingdom - 18/1/05
More Voodoo for You
For $5 plus $1 Hoodoo money, I will take your money and your wish to the wishing stump and toss it in. Traditionally, wishes are written on paper and rolled up with a dollar of hoodoo money, then thrown into the stump. I'll gladly perform this service for you. Other South Louisiana voodoo errands perfomed on request. Email me for details, and put the word Voodoo in the subject heading.
Che
che@noumenal.net
United States of America - 5/12/04
Voodoo for You
For $10 plus Hoodoo money I will make a pilgramage to the grave of Marie Laveau, voodoo queen of New Orleans, and perform the ritual of the square on your behalf, leaving your Hoodoo money on the grave, marking the grave with an X, and delivering your request to Marie Laveau. You decide the amount of Hoodoo money to be offered. Other voodoo errands performed on request - prices negotiable.
Che
che@noumenal.net
United States of America - 5/12/04
Change at the top
So you’re in a supermarket / bar / shop / nightclub / haberdashery, and you buy something for 45p. You pay the almost attractive cashier with a £10 note. They present you with your goods / drinks / hat / embroidery kit in a carrier bag. How lovely. Now for the change. They give you a fiver first, then place all manner of loose coinage on top of it. The coins go everywhere, you close your hand around it all, the paper five spot gets creased up as you try to catch shrapnel with the hand holding the bag. How rubbish. For a small fee I will accompany you on your shopping trip / night out, and remove the loose coins from on top of the fiver, and place them underneath - then give the cashier a cuff round the back of the neck and shout “Oi, coins first”. I will charge 20p per purchase, and simply take coins of this value from your change in my manoeuvre. For an extra 5p I will add a cutting insult to the end of my rant. eg: “Oi coins first...dick”. Discount for people with soft hands.
Cheekynuts Pantycake
cheekynuts@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 26/11/04
I'll laugh at your Chihuahua
For £25 I will come and laugh at your Chihuahua. I’ll giggle, titter and guffaw while pointing at it. For an extra £5 I’ll dress it up in some stupid costume and laugh even longer and louder. I’ll follow you as you walk your bug-eyed freak dog, crying with laughter, tears streaking my face as I watch its little cocktail-stick legs quicken the pace as it tries to escape. But it can’t! Oh no, there’s no escaping me, buddy. Not when you’ve paid £25. Guaranteed shame and humiliation for one of nature’s mistakes. Email me now, now, NOW! iainh@disinfo.net
Iain
iainh@disinfo.net
United Kingdom - 25/11/04
i will keep your tv company company
spend hours boozing snorting coke and bullshiting prolifically about your wilting cock as i take control and mind your sad neglected over budgeted tv company for 10 years of your directors salary.
abstractduk
abstractduk@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 22/11/04
road resurfacing
for 20,000 a friend and myself will develop and distribute a chewing gum worthy of resurfacing londons shitty roads, the gum will be called"tarmac" and will provided londons roads with a more bouncy liquorice tasting road system.
abstractduk
abstractduk@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 22/11/04
i will watch your tv for peanuts
i will keep your tv company and keep it safe from harm for a reasonable amount of peanuts for my elephant.
abstractduk
abstractduk@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 22/11/04
i will rev my engine for banana skins
i will, at specified times and places ride my very noisy honda 1000cc motorcycle past your house blocking any offensive noise pollution you are already suffering from. . i do drive bys or sitting by the kerb,,at traffic lights and am open for commisions. . .
abstractduk
abstractduk@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 22/11/04
Free up those wasted hours...
Sick of wasting hours in dull, unproductive meetings at work? Wouldn't you prefer to be at home watching daytime TV and sipping on the cocktail of your choice? Never again do you need to watch those precious minutes tick away as you sit listlessly in your seat at the far end of the table half-listening to your colleagues prattle on about sales figures, KPIs and monthly targets. For the very reasonable sum of £137.14 per appointment, I will attend your meeting for you, answer questions and update company directors on your incredible business related achievements, leaving you free to stay in bed, dance barefoot through a field of daisies or do whatever your little heart desires! Never again will you be required to suffer boardroom tedium. Never again will you have to listen to your team discuss the tawdry day-to-day trivia of their pathetic, pointless lives. You know it makes sense! Bookings can be extended to weekly, monthly, annual or full working life. Please email for price list.
auawsha
auawsha@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 22/11/04
Say goodbye to that feeling of remorse
Tired of being a drunken bore when out on the town with your family and/or friends? Fed up with waking in the morning to find yourself lying semi-naked in the bath, soaked with your own vomit, unspeakably hung over and vowing never to drink again? Never fear, your days of alcohol induced misery are over! For the relatively small sum of £214.68, I will accompany you on your evening out and subtly drink your intoxicating beverages in your stead, leaving you free to be intellectual, witty, charming, thoughtful and, of course, completely sober. In short you will remain wonderful company for the duration of the evening, the very life and soul of the party, while I degenerate into a loud, overbearing drunk with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. You will shine by comparision. Watch as I yell incomprehensible offensive gibberish in answer to perfectly reasonable enquiries into my job or well-being at the same time as you host a most fulfilling conversation on the use of metaphor in the later work of Edward Burne-Jones. See me fall paralytic to the floor as you make a play for the attractive blonde at the bar with cool, casual witticisms. Clutch her to your manly chest as I retch obliviously into the handbag of a nearby stranger then deny that you know me but prove how chivalrous and gallant you are by putting me in a cab and sending me home, leaving you free to get the girl and admiration of your nearest and dearest. London area only, Friday and Saturday nights preferred. Can provide a concurrent service for friends or partners, please email for quote.
auawsha
auawsha@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 22/11/04
genuine treehouse.
for a short period only, this offer is a special price of just £12.79. Yes! For this I will build you a genuine treehouse out of lego and bubble gum (WARNING: LIMITED WEATHER PROOF)
Luke
Luke@noadress.com
United Kingdom - 20/11/04
Listen To Me
Listen to me. For £50, you can listen to me talk about random things. You name the subject, I'll spill the beans on it, but only the good stuff, believe me. And I'll say it all in an authoritative newsreader voice, so you'll automatically believe everything I say. Friday and Saturday nights, I do a special deal: for just £10, I'll drink cheap cider and ramble incoherently about other stuff. Shop around - you won't beat that price.
Fahnn
fahnn@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/11/04
Wine Alleviator
Too much wine? Then call Wine Alleviator, qualified to bring forth the muses since 1986. No job too large, all areas covered and overseas work considered. Maybe the reps gave you far too much mid-range supermarket claret this year, perhaps a relative has died leaving a dynamite cellar which needs clearing for a house sale? Well look no further. Will work for lodgings during contract duration, all forms of outbuilding are acceptable, and gutters would be considered for blue chip clients.
Steve Hanson
steven.hanson@virgin.net
United Kingdom - 9/11/04
Silent Robert De Niro Impressions
For £5 plus travel and subsistence costs I will perform, for you and 3 others, a silent Robert de Niro impression.
Daniel Leach
dannyjleach@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 29/10/04
relax and be stroked
soft stroking of skin - the ultimate way to relax - just lie back and let me softly caress your skin til you fall asleep.
Clarky
mogginsmum@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 29/10/04
world class treehouse
Special Internet Offer of £5. for a mere fiver i'll build you a treehouse out of twiglets and masking tape WARNING: Limited Weatherproof.
Luke
Lovetoherlips@aol.com
United Kingdom - 28/10/04
Rid you of Minge Weasels
Can't get rid of unsightly Minge Weasels? For only 20 quid plus airfare and a bagel I will perform a weasel-ectomy with just a crowbar and a blow torch. Warning - patients may later require services of a cosmetic surgeon. At your own risk.
Matt
deliriumuk@yahoo.com
Malaysia - 28/10/04
Sunny Day Gigilo Service
Our whores are fat, but at least they're happy!
R.J.
arj-a@lycos.com
United States of America - 27/10/04
Punch you in the face
I will Punch You In The Face For Five Dollars.
john
rocez@hotmail.com
United States of America - 27/10/04
Wrap an unusually shaped present for you.
For the cost of postage and wrapping paper, I will wrap an unusually shaped present for you. Note - you will need to supply the unusually shaped present.
Nick
info@theperfectpad.co.uk
United Kingdom - 26/10/04
People in Minneapolis for a laugh
I will drink out of a minneapolis public toilet to give someone a laugh. if interested, email me. only serious applicants please. Picture taking is welcome.
toilet cleaner
brass_dragonfly@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 24/10/04
Bitch for a day
For the small sum of £1.00 i am prepared to be your bitch for a day. For more information just contact me - I'll be waiting...
MItch
mitchteaser@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 21/10/04
Scare your monkey.
You got a monkey that needs to be scared? Look no further, 'cause I'm your man! I'll scare any kind of monkey (though no apes, including the naked beach kind, or seamonkeys) for as many times as you want and for as long as you want! I'll scare them crazy, shitless, wierd and/or senseless. I'll scare them back to lemur state or into christians. All this for the cheapo price of 10$ per hour! So go ahead, book your monkey scaring today. What are you waiting for!
Puff
puff@lackaur.com
Sweden - 18/10/04
HAPPY TO HELP
For £500 I will come round to your house and skin up for you. I will also make you tea and toast, with the topping of your choice, for you. I will go to the shop and get you Rizlas and crisps. If you are female, for an extra £50 + 4 cans of GOOD lager, I will go down on you. If you are shaved, just the beers. Hope to hear from you. J.
jimma
james179@mail.com
United Kingdom - 15/10/04
Sunday Breakfast For River City Omnibus & A Smoke
I'll cook Indian style spicey scrambled eggs on toast (with fresh chili, fresh ginger and fresh coriander) for your Sunday breakfast - for maximum of two people - in exchange for watching the River City omnibus on yer tele and a smoke on yer finest. Must be within a 30 minute walk from Leith though. My tele's bust and my mate plays a gay Edinburgh gangster on River City. Hey ho.
Kev
rebelinc@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 13/10/04
Tell you how hot you are
For £10.00 per hour i'll come to your house and tell you hoe great you look, clothed or undressed. Genuine shock at just how great you look etc. Will tell you how great you are at anything..kissing etc for £5.00 extra per hour.
Ad Rock
adamccasey@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 11/10/04
Sponsorship Needed
For £2,000 per week. I will start learning how to recognise every model of car made in the past 10 years by listening to the indicators. I am doing this incase You Bet makes a welcome return to the screen, and then me and you can have a holiday or something else.
Dan The Loung
dtl@theloungs.co.uk
United Kingdom - 8/10/04
Need Sperm?
Are you a female and you cant find a man to plant his seed? Look no further, I am a 6 foot italian man, athletic build willing to send you my sperm to help you create a bundle of joy. All I ask is for $15, that includes shipping, and I will send you a fresh batch of sperm for you to use any way you wish.
D
orangesodapizza@yahoo.com
United States of America - 5/10/04
DON'T WORRY
Stop worrying now, whatever the problem is, don't worry - I'll do it for you. Charges are £5 per worry, each additional worry £2.50. Don't worry how I charge such low prices, I'll do that. And don't worry that I won't worry for you, I'll worry about that too along with your original worry.
Dante
happyfellow@deathsdoor.com
United Kingdom - 1/10/04
bull run
I would run the bulls naked save for a copy of the times pushed firmly up my bottom. This would cost the price of my travel and a weeks stay in pamploma
guy dorrell
guydorrell@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 30/9/04
Will Lean on your car
For £5 I will lean on your car whilst you are shopping at a local supermarket of your choice.
TheLeaner
leaner@previewed.co.uk
United Kingdom - 27/9/04
positively charged toenails
i will read anyones mind through the power of postivly charged toenails i keep tighlty gripped in the palm of my hand. £1.83 will get you small toe left foot reading £11.16 wil get you the full two feet, as i am a library cleaning ladys assisitant i am not fully qualified to speak of any such telepathy the exchange of monies/charged toenails will therefore be done through a 91 year old man named sid who has nothing better to do with his days than to stand outside whsmith (woolworths on saturdays) for 18 pence per week and dispense my vast mind reading powers upon the world in the hope that monies/toenails be exchanged
jambo ficticious
hangingwithmrmanwhore@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 23/9/04
Krumping / Clowning / Affro Fun
Looking for a little something to jazz up your party? I am the proud owner of a 10" Ginger Affro - 100% natural. Its bigger than you've ever seen... I'll come and krump/clown for you, in a very hardcore manner. Price - £15 an hour, plus travel etc. Can provide photos / video / recommentdations, etc. Don't know what krumping is - you've never lived!!! Wylis
Wylis
wylis@email.com
United Kingdom - 21/9/04
NARROW BOAT SHIFTER
Want to move your boat but too busy, idle or scared to do it yourself? I'll shift it from anywhere to anywhere on the English/Welsh canals, excluding the tidal Trent. Let's say, what? Two hundred quid for a weeks work? Available from Christmas. Or thereabouts.
scorz
scorzonera@lycos.com
United Kingdom - 19/9/04
will run with scissors
For the sum of 50 pounds sterling, I offer to run with scissors for any interested party. As you wiill see, there is a reason your mothers warned you against this speedy and inherently dangerous act for all thos years. Will travel to events etc for extra fee. Still cameras acceptable in basic 50 knicker fee but there is a surcharge of 10 pounds for moving picture work. Have a wide range of bifurcated cutting implements including some antique models but will consider running with customers' own scissors if required.
Barrister Hogarth
gaikoku@hammail.com
United Kingdom - 25/8/04
Need a little space in your life?
For only £20 I will totally ignore you. You needn't worry about me disturbing your life in any way whatsoever - no emails, no phone calls, no popping round for a chat. I completely GUARANTEE you a 100% Farnham-free existence. This is an exclusive deal - no other seller can offer this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Email me for payment details.
John Farnham
j@windows.datanet.co.uk
United Kingdom - 24/8/04
holiday for a kitchen
I will fit your new kitchen and tile your new plastered walls and wire you plugs and piant it all for free if....................................... You let my family stay in your house for two weeks holiday (devon cornwall norfolk) this is a genuine offer I have refrences but cant afford a real holiday this year email me with your questions would also consider bedrooms or garden landscape work refrences for all these types of work
simon
sfreedman@tiscali.co.uk
United Kingdom - 17/8/04
GREEN LIGHT
Are you stuck in traffic waiting for a red light to change? Of course you are, who isn't. Send me a cheque and I'll change that light to green straight away. Cars £3, lorries £7. Please note, I can do all lights in the country except for the zebra crossing by Budgens in Littlebottom. I can't stress this enough, you'll just have to wait that one out.
Dante
dante_larue@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 14/8/04
INDUSTRIAL LAMINATOR
Industrial laminator. Will laminate anything. I have just done my face. Will laminate your face for £5 or your wife for £10 or your house for £25.
Dante
dante_larue@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 14/8/04
Record your outgoing message
For $10, plus the price of the long-distance call (if applicable), I will record the outgoing message on your answering machine or voicemail. I will say whatever you'd like in whatever voice you'd like (provided I can do it) in whatever language you'd like (provided that, if it's not English, you'll give me a phonetic pronunciation of it).
Andrew Mudd
andy@andrewmudd.com
United States of America - 7/8/04
I will take you on an urban big game fishing expedition for £1.
In the last few months I have been guiding urban big game fishing expeditions [see http://www.slacksabbath.com] in the UK and will guide an urban big game fishing expedition for 1 pound sterling.
Jeffrey Disastronaut
info@disastronaut.com
United Kingdom - 7/8/04
I will set up an internet storefront with products selling your art, photos or slogans $25 (USD)
For $25 (U.S. dollars) I will set up a storefront selling tee shirts, mugs, clocks etc.. featuring your art, photos or slogans. All profits from sales (minimum $25) will be mailed directly to you. All you have to do is send me $25 (U.S.) , high resolution copies of your art or a list of the slogans you'd like to sell and your mailing address. I will format your images or slogans for each product, set up your shop and provide you with the URL to your new internet storefront. For additional shops, please add $15. For an extra $10 per shop, I will submit it to search engines for you. Images can not include full frontal nudity, illegal activity or tobacco usage. Those are the site's rules, not mine.
Dynomoose
adynomoose@hotmail.com
United States of America - 7/8/04
gardening
experienced gardener/plantsman will renovate your weed-infested garden in exchange for full board and pocket money anywhere in europe
brian heath
heathfieldestate@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 6/8/04
Ass kicker
Are you the type who gets nothing done? Do you need someone to make you "get a grip"? I am one motivading mother fucker who can make you do whatever you need to be done and more. I got plenty of references, get out of your ass and start by e-mailing me NOW.
Forgh
Forgh@aol.com
United States of America - 5/8/04
tired of sitting around watching the telly?
Why not go for a walk round a owl sancuary or a victorian folly? I will come round and sit on your chair/sofa/bed/sideboard/floor and watch it for you. All you need do is supply me with the means of making tea/sandwiches,and 1/8 of grass. cable veiwers in the penge area of london only please.
Ollie
olliefantastic@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 5/8/04
Watch me perform this amazing feat !
For a small fee,or a tub of butter i will show you via webcam what i can do with half a pound of butter and a chair leg .
pig0fsteel
manlyfairy@chairleg.com
Australia - 1/8/04
I will stroke
Have you got bandaged hands? broken fingers? or just a gardening gloves touch? I can touch what you like from cats to feather dusters and everything in between e.g a turtles shell. £10 p.h P.s I can also touch what ever you like on line, just email me a picture.
Guy
guy2p@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 1/8/04
Talisman of your choice!
For the sum of £2 I will make a talisman for you of your choosing, will consecrate it & imbue it with all the spiritual power I can muster.
Mr Mystical
anh3271@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 29/7/04
GEORDIE BULL DOG HIRE
I am a very rare breed of ginger geodie bulldog. I will come round to your house and act as a guard dog for 6 cans of fosters. I will bite the ankles of all manner of visiter including postmen/milkmen etc. BURKEY
Burkey
geordiebulldog542@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 29/7/04
spliff man
tired of sitting at home all alone ? sick of haveing to roll all your own joints ? for a percentage(negotiable)i will sit with u all night and skin up till u can smoke nomore.
danage
danage@gmail.com
Ireland - 26/7/04
Dodgy curry
For £100 + expenses I will storm into the restaurant or take away of your choice at the busiest time of day and slam a dead cat onto the counter whilst shouting "THIS IS THE LAST ONE YOUR HAVING UNTILL YOU PAY FOR THE LAST LOT!" Half price if you supply the animal.
norman shuffle
lotto500@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 26/7/04
Wardrobe Whore
I will sit in your wardrobe and hand you an attractively co-ordiated outfit. Especially useful
Wardrobe Whore
peelit@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 21/7/04
Play Elephant Polo
For £200,000 + all travelling expences (and £27.78p per day drinking money) I will organise a Britisth Team to take part at the World Elephant Polo Championships. I can put the team together, provide all sponsorship requirements, and orgainze training in my local pubs beer garden. You wil nedd to supply elephants.
Mr MAD
mad@m-a-d.co.uk
United Kingdom - 21/7/04
No job too big or small
I will neutralise all those annoying sub atomic particles you have hanging around at home or indeed tow the Isle of Wight closer to the mainland to help reduce the cost of the ferry crossing. Reasonable hourly rates. For further information please view our website www.wankersontour.co.uk
Mooner
moon@wankersontour.co.uk
United Kingdom - 21/7/04
on
I will make a bong out of my own head. £100 ono.
mimi
ahmybrains@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 20/7/04
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