Alpha Males Neutered
Management moron making your life hell? Want to squeeze his throat until the shit he calls brains oozes out his ears? Grind his bastard face under your heel like the roach he is? Don't soil your hands! For a mere $10k and expenses one of my nubile daughters can seduce him and lance his ego like the festering boil it is. She will enslave him and render him impotent by constantly comparing him to ex-lovers, and alluding to the striking similarity between his genetalia and that of a hamster. Have a particularly arrogant fuck on your hands? For $50k and other inducements ( to be negotiated privately ) we'll turn them all loose on him at once. He'll wither and die like a snake in a brushfire. This is a surefire system...don't delay...schedules are tight.
livedog
livedogab@yahoo.com
United States of America - 14/12/07
mother my minions
an idea has sparked and some how made it into a recurring dream! this dream has me placed as the head of the worlds governments in a tyrannical sort of position. now fret not young children of the world, for it will not be all doom and gloom, i plan for a harmonious existence for all those who do not appose my rule. as for the infidels, not so much! anyhow, to turn this great dream into a reality, i realized that the only way to really get into this position of power would either be through diplomacy, or revolution! giving it much thought, i've concluded that diplomacy is for jack-offs, so now the only way to revolt against the world is to have my own army. now i can go around enlisting strangers to join up or i can father the army myself! this is where i need your help. the women of the world will need to put their best foot forward (among other parts of the anatomy) for the future of all mankind! in preparation i will need you all to impregnate yourselves with my "DNA" every nine months for the next ten years. that comes to 13.3 children per woman. now i understand that not all of you are going to be interested in bearing my minions, but those that are will be remembered come the turn of power and the non-participants... not so much! i cannot afford to financially support these children so once again i need the women of the world to step up to the call of duty. reparations will be made come the turn of power! at the age of 10 the children will be placed in training camps to be brain washed into believing in my cause and to become ruthless killers who will fight, defend and die for said cause. now it seems some what archaic and barbaric, but just think, the private army of the defender of the universe will be soldiered by those who call you mother! now who couldn't be proud of that? with that said applying for the position for minion bearer is quite simple, e-mail me with a number that you can be reached at and a discussion will take place before a personal meeting. then a physical will be required and if all goes well, a one time fee of $300.00 will be needed for the DNA deposit and we will be in business
crumb
crumbvdub@hotmail.com
United States of America - 1/12/07
Slap The President On Live Television : 10 dollars.
I actually would slap the dog shit eating grin off of his retarded monkey face for free. But I guess 10 bucks is a fair price.
joe jacksonite
joejacksonite@gmail.com
United States of America - 10/11/07
Do you hate somebody?
when you hate somebody but just dont have the heart to tell them of just not enough nut to deal with it then call me with a way to contact them and why you hate them and I WILL DO IT FOR YOU! so you don't have to, all will be completely confidential and you will reap the rewards for your dirty deeds.
to contact me call 712-333-3888
just refer to "i hate somebody"
all payable contracts are based per individual at the time of discussion
I am and equal opportunity hater
results depend on the fact of the case,not garaunteed to have some adverse effects on your life
Corey
Triple8two@aol.com
United States of America - 12/3/07
hate your neighbors?/ ex- girlfriend/ ex-boyfriend/ teacher/ mom/ dad/ sister/ bro/ mother in-law/ father-in-law
do u hate someone?...want them to be scared out of their minds?? For $50.00 i will include a basic package of stalking, egging, sending bloody i love u notes and dead rats to the person of your choice.
for just 50.00 dollars more u can also include poisonous snakes, monkeys, and spiders. but send me the money now and i will personally sneak into their house wearing the costume from scream! and this will be at no cost. Please email me if u wish to contact me on payment options or future packages that will be offered. Serious offers only!...so email me today!!!!
nikki
cruisecontrol666@gmail.com
United Kingdom - 27/6/05
Is there someone you want destroyed?
Socially or emotionally, it's not bother. Just a few details and I'll get to work. Go in Christ.
Glyn
glynyfaron2000@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 25/10/04
Arch nemesis
Hey, you have'nt done anything to me, and so far me and you have a blank emotional connection, but for the reasonable price of £100, I will become your sworn mortal enemy. This service will include verbal physical and mental abuse, matriachal insults, and attempts on your life, and will only stop when you choose and pay me a second £100 pounds. Some people need that kind of hatred before they can really shine, and if that person is you, then I am your man!! Love Josh
Josh
josh@bolshaband.com
United Kingdom - 18/10/04
cats annoying?
cats constantly shitting on your lawn??? for absolutely no charge i will bring my greyhound to your house to eat any cat that is shitting on your lawn!!!
van kshaften
arse@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 12/10/04
www.kissmekwik.co.uk
For £2 I will send you a greeting card bearing the legend `Happy Birthday Cunt`. You can send this to friends on their birthday and make them laugh, or cry. Other designs available.
simon
simon@kissmekwik.co.uk
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
Guaranteed haunting
Send me £5 and I guarantee to scare the living shit out of you after my demise.
Betamax
pointeblank@tiscali.co.uk
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
Dolphin Cruelty
Are there any dolphin owners out there? i will pay whatever you want to let me give your dolphin one hell of a beating. i hate the happy smiley bastards.So get in touch and let me finally wipe the smile off their faces.I will pay double if it is related to Flipper,god i fucking hate that dolphin.
Jaybjay
leeloo123@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 25/9/04
Birds! - Too much of a hit with the boys?
Bit too much of a fucking stunner are we? Always getting chatted up by the lads? Bit of a stuck-up cunt who needs bringing down a peg or two, are ya? WELL ARE YA??? For a quid or upwards, I shall let you down by not meeting you for a date. I'm quite prepared to make the arrangements, London only. You turn up, I don't. You end up publicly looking like a mate-less fuck, and go home to cry to your other sycophantic girlfriends. Simple as. Mail me and let's get the ball rolling.
aido
feedmealine@lycos.co.uk
United Kingdom - 23/9/04
GUARANTEED ANGER !!!!
Pay $5 into my paypal account and i will send you an email that will make you VERY angry !!!
gonzo
gonzo@gaiabodyart.co.uk
United Kingdom - 20/9/04
BECOME PART OF THE ADVENTURE WITH IAIN SINCLAIR!
Have you or your children ever read one of Iain Sinclair's interesting, informative, yet slightly trudging books and thought 'Yes! I too would like to yomp around the M25/Lea Valley/Welsh borders with the erudite paranoiac himself?' Well, now you can! Just email me your name, £50 and a bottle of tipp-ex and you will receive your very own personalised copy of an Iain Sinclair doorstop with YOUR NAME in the adventure! It will be YOU who carries round too many reference books and whose feet end up in bloody strips! It will be YOU that stops to take photos all the time that can then only be seen by buying yet another book! It will be you that ends up sounding like Iain thinks you're an amusing but scruffy anarchist troll! Ideal gift for children's birthdays. Special offer: Buy a copy of 'Rodinsky's room' by Iain Sinclair and YOURSELF and get shamelessly name-dropped all throughout London Orbital as the SOLE AUTHOR in a desperate attempt by Iain Sinclair to get readers to buy the book without realising he was singing the praises of a book he co-wrote all along.
Iain Sinclair
richardtyronejones@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 7/9/04
i want punishin
Ive been bad, very bad, punish me how you want, send ideas and suggestions on how to punish myself or just insult me until you think ive had enough, will send photos of me enacting your justice.
lynne
lynz89@hotmail.com
Canada - 2/9/04
I'LL TEACH YOUR MUM A LESSON
Are you fed up with hearing "watch out, you'll have someones eye out with that". Yes, of course you are. For a kilo of chocolate or flour or linseed oil, I'll run around with the implement in question, attacking people with it, and prooving that whist the victims may sustain massive injury, it will not have their eye out. Please note, I don't do spoons.
Dante
dantelarue@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/9/04
cuss yo muthaf!@kin a@s OUT!
for the sum of $10USD I will cuss at you and call you every ugly name in the book and even invent a few new ones (for an extra $1USD). This also includes telling you about the depths of your worthlessness and how much of a f@*k up you truly are. This will last a complete 3 minutes. email me with your phone number and details so we can get started!
jamoky
jamoky@blackplanet.com
United States of America - 1/9/04
Rippng your face off through your arse...
As the title mentions, I specialise in ripping faces off.. not in the conventional manner most would assume... I tear that shit off through your arse!!! cmonnnnnn, find a better deal than that!! you stupid whoreskank. now check this out.. this deal comes for a price of only............... wait for it....... 3 bucks!! discounts for rapist preists and american presidents apply (for the latter i'll even put the addition of a sacrifical ceremonial corpse burning, while i piss on your ashes.) Now.. go cop some cocks you filthy cum-guzzling skankbags!!
McKnob Twist
sacrificial-buttplug@rabidfeces.com
Serbia & Montenegro - 26/8/04
Kick your ass
I will sell you a good old fashioned backyard unsupervised ass kicking for $100 American. Legal waiver and ambulance call provided for free. Come and get it! Apologies extra.
Yan the Man
yan@nbraasch.com
United States of America - 20/8/04
A Better Day in a Punch
If your day is sucky I will punch you in the head. Then you wont care how sucky your day was. First punch is free.
Dr.Punch-U
the_baxter@hotmail.com
United States of America - 30/7/04
hitman
title explains it all serious buyers only muahaha
no names
punkan.oi@verizon.net
United States of America - 30/7/04
Vote for Bush
Will vote for Bush for $10
Detrus
detrus@subver.com
United States of America - 26/7/04
TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY!
For the 'knock-down' sum of nothing at all, I will quite literally take your breath away. One hard punch to the stomach and voila. 'Your breath, away' 'Just call today' 'I'll wind you' 'And then you'll pay' (sang mildly to pleasant jingle music) *SPECIAL OFFER-Fancy never having to contact me again? I have friends who will happily take your breath away permanently for the mere price of your life. Miserable, terminally ill, whatever, these guys will always perform.
Matt
ostrich_54321@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 24/7/04
Hunt anyone down...
For $5 million US, (plus reasonable expenses), I will hunt and bring you, dead or alive, any person. I will fight my way down to Hell and back, and even visit parts of New Jersey, if necessary to complete the mission successfully. A lover who jilted you, double-crossing business partner, terrorist national or just someone who pissed you off, it makes no difference. There is NO place they can hide. 25% deposit mandatory and non-negotiable...
TNM
janissary2067@hotmail.com
United States of America - 21/7/04
IDIOT EXTERMINATION
For the price of a small island off the coast of some spanish speaking country inhabited by beautiful dark skinned latin women, I will exterminate all those blithering imbeciles in your life. Act now because with my rising popularity it's likely that you are next on someone else's list; GET THEM BEFORE THEY GET YOU! I reserve the right to decide who goes and who stays... but remember, if you're not a woman with intriguing attributes and characteristics your chances of surviving have just decreased by 93.745%. ACT NOW! TO RECEIVE YOUR COMPLIMENTARY COAT HANGER (not offered to those under 75 years of age)
WangChung
joeis22@hotmail.com
United States of America - 20/7/04
Welcome You Warmly to the Fellowship of Free Nations
Depending on what either you or your country has to offer me, I'll either: a) send in a Gunboat; b)infiltrate the place with CIA sportsjocks who willbring down your government; c) apply punishing trade sanctions to bring the place to its knees; d) just walk in, take it over and give you all a better life (once my business associates have stripped the place bare) Price - incalculable.
Uncle Sam
unclesamrocks2000@yahoo.co.uk
United States of America - 19/7/04
Kill my girlfriend!
For $1000 I will kill my girlfriend, acutally I'm gonna do it anyway but gettin' payed for it too will be great!
David
b0red@bezeqint.net
Israel - 19/7/04
SOCCERHOOLIGAN.COM
I'm willing to sell my username,password,4000 posts and respect of every other member of the board for £25 or a decent mobile (not on the 3 network). If you want to be an instant hooligan now's your chance. Jog on,eh.
Retired Andy
gods_comic@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 18/7/04
Scrubbers - be advised..
For nothing other than my own fucked up gratification (and travel and accomodation expenses if outside Bristol, Montpelier) I will enter your life as your sister's new boyfriend, before proceeding for as long as it takes to invade your personal space, and make lewd and suggestive remarks designed to humiliate your husband. I will carry out my patented bullying techniques on him using you as bait. If he dares to complain I'll of course beat the shit out of him; but usually he'll be so upset and screwed up by your continued acceptance of my behaviour (you must proclaim that you only put up with it because I'm your sister's bloke..that'll really let him know how important he is) that he'll throw in the towel, leaving you the house and everything in it!
TrailertrashTrevor
trailertrashtrevor@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 18/7/04
Share stolen wealth
For $20,000 I will share 20% of a sum of $14 million dollars, trapped in a Nigerian bank account since the fall of the Abacha regime. Travel to Abidjan may be required. I may be forced to beat you and take your luggage at the airport. Thank you, and may god bless your family.
Prince
prince@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
Kill almost everyone
For the price of your blind faith, busy bodying, and the act of sending your friends to coventry in the most childish and hypocritical way, I will kill almost all of the rest of humanity and elevate you to an everlasting paradise where it is nice and clean and there is no shit. And shit. Lots of love A CUNT
Jah Hovis
Jehova@yourdoorstep.com
United Kingdom - 17/7/04
I would like to buy your company
For -£200,000.00, I will buy your company, destroy the morale of your troops, remove their pension rights and market to buggery the fantastic work they have achieved over 18 months in coming up with novel, structured and well thought out technical solution in the Mobile EMail Market. In return I offer shares in nothing. Yours. A FAT AMERICAN B@STARD.
Nasty American Venture Capitalist
IWILLSCREWU@VC.COM
United States of America - 16/7/04
Take out your family
I would take out your whole family for £1 per person. Good offer?
James Bonb
jamesbond@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Chaffinch Challenge
For a small nominal fee i am willing to challenge any Chaffinch to a no-holds-barred punching competition! May the best man win!!!!
Marco Ferrari
fmarco9@aol.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
Visit Relatives
Do you have a work function you cannot afford to miss? Is there a girl you'd rather be fucking? For a modest £100 I will visit any comatose relative in hospital and avoid you the trip and guilt at the same time! let's face it: They can't hear you anyway!
Francesco Ruiz
bluesfr@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
BIRD PUNCHING!!!
Are you having trouble with your budgies or canaries? If yes, i will gladly run the risk of personal injury and punch the living daylights out of the fuckers!!! All this for a small fee of 75p per bird!
mardo ferrari
fmarco9@aol.com
United Kingdom - 16/7/04
I wish to sell a work colleague
I am sick of my work colleague Charmains' gutter mouth and filthy knickers...please take her, any which way you like, for a ten spot.
dave
belfast@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
Ahmed from BB5 lookalike
I bear a remarkable resemblance to Ahmed from big brother 5 and can be hired for any function - where I will stand in the corner muttering to myself, decapitate statues and generally piss people around me off £5 per hour plus travel
Lee Sirkett
leelookslikeahmed@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 15/7/04
Abusive email for free!
In return for forwarding me all your Nigerian begging letters, I can promise to send you rude and abusive email, calling you every name under the sun. But then I'm from Pittsboro NC and round here we don't believe in being nice to people.
James Poe
jamesapoe@webtv.net
United States of America - 15/7/04
Hamster Euthanasia
I am offering a free hamster euthanasia service for your beloved pet. I will quickly and painlessly put little "fluffy" out of it's misery. The actual means of termination is ultimately up to you, however I can recomend the prefered method of 'anal suffication', for best long term results.
Dr Death
DD@hamstersanctuary.co.uk
United Kingdom - 14/7/04
Death.
For the small sum of £5, I will personally reply to every single ad referring to any manner of sexual service, and BEAT THEM UP for being so completely, and utterly stupid.
The Negator
andrew@402kingstreet.com
United Kingdom - 13/7/04
Honest offer...
I will finger your cat for a quid. 2 for £1.50.
Paul
paul@thedale.com
United Kingdom - 13/7/04
Tell anyone to Piss orf!
if you email me with your name, tha name of a friend and their mbile number i will ring them up and tell them to piss orf. Free of Charge. all bills catered for. go on- you know you want to...
brian
wokmaker@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 13/7/04
insurance job's!
for the pirce of £10 english pounds i will greatfully come around to your house and smash your "car-house-any thing" that you can claim insurance on, this is a 2 week offer only from hummer happyness Inc!
Hummer!
hummer6911@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 13/7/04
Rubbish Provider
For the meagre sum of £25, I will come to your house with 3 black bags full of rubbish and spread it over the floors of your house. If you need it tipped on your furniture I will do that too for NO EXTRA CHARGE. Call me any time day or not for immediate rubbish service. 07790 376 256
Gaz
twig@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 13/7/04
Personal insult - $ 5000 ONLY
For $5000 I will deeply insult you personally! You tell your weak points, I'll finish 'em off! You'll feel miserable for a long time, GUARANTEED!
Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged
Prelvis_esley@yahoo.com
Tonga - 13/7/04
Petkicker
I you are bothered with you pet but have a hard time abusing animals, I will gladly come and kick your dog/cat/whatever for only 50SEK. I'll do it in Denmark too.
Ned
hulken4@hotmail.com
Sweden - 12/7/04
for FREE
for NOTHING i would tell anyone you don't like to FUCK OFF
wedgie
wedgie@rt.nl
United Kingdom - 11/7/04
Professional Slapping
Have a bad kid? Annoying mother-in-law? Girlfriend getting high and mighty? Email me the address and description of the person you want me to slap the shit out of, and for 5 bucks, I'll do it. HARD! Ill slap the taste out of anyone's mouff for only 5 bucks, so don't delay, I need the cash, and you need some vengance!!!
joeschlocker
noemail
United States of America - 11/7/04
Abusing Marine Life
Have you ever wondered what it might be like to call a prawn a twat? Perhaps you'd like to urinate in the eyes of a dolphin, or even attempt to execute complicated judo techniques on a shark. If you've ever dreamed of doing any of these things and have a fear of salt water or creatures that can't walk on dry land, then get in touch with me. For a packet of peanut M&Ms;, I will insult, abuse, and even fight the water-based lifeform of your choice. For an additional packet of supermarket-brand crisps, I will photograph my victim staring sadly into the middle-distance.
Neon
ibogainecoma@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 11/7/04
Pay your mum a visit
If your mum annoys you then call me. For $10 I will tear out one of her ribs and stick it in her arsehole.
Brett
brett@brett.com
Australia - 10/7/04
Make hamsters explode!
For the sum of £40 I will personally purchase a hamster from my local pet shop and microwave till it explodes. For £20 extra I will video it and mail you the tape.
Stan
addictboy2001@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 10/7/04
PIss on your face
For anyone interested, I will come to your house and piss on your face. $10 plus expenses.
Pinto
thereasonforlife@yahoo.com
Canada - 9/7/04
WRONG
I will do you wrong. Anyone, anytime, any place.
The Wrong 'Un
wrongun@wrongmail.com
United Kingdom - 8/7/04
BURN RUBBER
For the magnificent price of just £28.99 (inc VAT but not travel expenses) I will come to your house (really quickly on a bus) and burn rubber! Yes that's right. Give me anything made of rubber (like a tyre for example) and I will burn it and make your house smell like tar. All your friends/family/housemates will be amazed or possibly upset. I take no responsibility for anything that may go missing from your house round about the time that I was there. Junk Monkey (and yes that is my real name).
Junk Monkey
junkmonkey_@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 8/7/04
Unwanted Pregancy?
Dead beat boyfriend decides to run off when you're 4-8 months pregnant? Well, I got the answer for you! I offer the /CHEAPEST/ abortion in town for those desperately in need? I offer this to women who are 1 - 8.5 months pregnant. For a low price of $50 and air fare, I will calmly and effectively beat you in the stomach until you are no longer pregnant. and no, i will not murder your baby after it comes out- that'll be a $25 extra which excludes the current cost of a case of ammonia. With that $25 extra charge, I'll take care of babies from 5 minutes to 75 years old. If you contact me now, u can keep my brass knuckles after I'm done. $9 value! Whoa! Call today and don't miss out on this great offer.
Thomas Wiley
Ourenemies@hotmail.com
Canada - 8/7/04
Mimic
For the price of my political security, I will declare an unjust war on my superficial enemies... Arik
Arik Xist
Knotwellone@hotmail.com
United States of America - 7/7/04
Good old fasion beatings 2
Ill do it for half that £25 (GBP) ill even get my dad to film it for you. Eat that one JP, ill start a price war on your ass!!!
Friend of JP
timbodo1@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 7/7/04
Good Old Fashioned Beatings
For £50 GBP my door supervisors will take you around the back of our nightclub and beat you unconcious like in the movies. We will film it on CCTV and will send you one copy on VHS or DVD.
JP
julianpeterso9@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 7/7/04
Poops sandwiches
For 3 American dollars I will eat 3 poops sandwiches with lettuce.
Reek Stankleberry
butts@iamadick.com
United States of America - 7/7/04
Warbush
For Sale: One Wild Warbush. The Wild Warbush is an overpowering bush, stretching its roots out across all soils and encompassing all terrain. We guarantee this Wild Warbush to take over your land faster than a Kudzu Vine. May cause harm to soil and atmosphere. Gasoline/Petrol seems to keep the Wild Warbush under control, but we can make no promises. Recipient beware: We assume no responsibility as we did not order this particular plant 4 years ago. Price: Just a lil Dignity.
Joe Citizen
joecitizen@donttellthess.com
United States of America - 6/7/04
Zanmato
I will vanquish the strongest of foes. Payment taken in gil. Pay me a small amount, and my ridiculously camp dog will "attack". Pay me a little more, and I'll throw a knife. Pay me more than that, and I'll use my sword. Pay me shit loads, and, by Christ, your enemy will know about it. I'll chop in him half, with all blood coming out and everything.
Yojimbo
yojimbo@hotmail.com
Japan - 6/7/04
Will fuck people's jobs over for money.
I will quite happily fire large numbers of my already-overworked IT staff in return for a few poxy quid. No offer is too low, no layoff too strategically damaging for grasping little me to be able to refuse it. Infact, I'm happy to do this just for the *possibilty* of earning a few pounds. I'll lay of 20% of my staff in return for a (one) lottery ticket. Can't say fairer than that. And I'm - almost literally - cutting my own throat, guv'nor.
Dicky Fairbanks
CEO@capone.com
United Kingdom - 6/7/04
Will Make your EX-lover jealous!
For £69 + Meal, i will accompany you anywhere that you require – to an event or party where you know your EX-LOVER WILL SEE US TOGETHER. Kissing and holding hands is included in the price, but a nice grope will cost you an extra £20. If you order NOW! I will throw in the Bonus activity of Meeting your parents and pretending that we are happily involved. No Canadians please! MAIL ME.
ernest hemingway
learntoescape1982@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/7/04
Kung Fu Surprise Attacks
For £700 GBP plus travel expenses if outside London Zones 1-4, my Kung Fu Club will attack you at random times during an agreed 5 day period. You will provide a polaroid picture and description of yourself and sign a disclaimer agreeing not to testify if you are injured. Attacks will consist of both loan and group attacks if required.
JP
julianpeterso9@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/7/04
Chain Gang
For small fee (£1000 per day) I will make you work like a dog in my chain gang. You must like asphalt.
Bad Bob
bad@bob.com
United Kingdom - 05/07/04
Neffin
For a cup of tea with one sugar, I will 'nef' you!
Nick Ephington
nick21@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 5/7/04
Fuck your animal
I will fuck any animal dead or alive for $5000.For an extra $10 I'll let you video tape it.For an extra $100 I'll let you lick up the cum after I blow my load.Hurry up an e-mail me I sure am horny!
Frank Rizzo
rizzo@hotmail.com
United States of America - 4/7/04
ENFORCED DESTITUTION OF TWO ABSENT FLATMATES - ENTIRE WORLDLY POSSESSIONS ON SALE!
ENTIRE WORLDLY POSSESSIONS OF TWO ABSENT FLATMATES
Must be collected before stupid bastards return from weekend in Yorkshire, circa 10pm tonight (Sunday). Note: future windows of opportunity may be available with slight reduction in contents, to be negotiated.
ENTIRE WORLDLY POSSESSIONS OF TWO ABSENT FLATMATES *includes*:
* One 2K Rig including 2 bass cabs, 2 mids, 2 highs, 5 sets lighting trusses
* Hundreds hardcore/ gabba vinyl 12 inches
* Two bikes
* At least three computers and assortment monitors, manuals, server, network hub, and various other techy junk
* Drum machine, assorted *EXPENSIVE* electronic music stuff, Atari ST...
* Many DVDs and CDs
* One stereo (amplifier, tape deck, CD player, two sets speakers)
* Camping gear including but not limited to tents, sleeping bags, head torches, waterproofs, coolbox etc
* Irreplaceable photographs of worldy travels and ex-girlfriends
* Shitloads of namby-pamby fantasy books
* Two dead plants
* Assortment of baggy, faded M&S underpants (unwashed)
* One broken sofa bed
* One not-so-broken sofa bed
* Irreplaceable and rare collection of antique anarchist/ punk t-shirts (unwashed)
* Collection of tools, drills, screwdrivers etc
* Duvets, pillows etc
* Entire contents of two food cupboards including but not limited to pot noodles
* Shoes, boots, socks
THE LOT!!!!
THE ENTIRE WORLDLY POSSESSIONS OF TWO ABSENT FLATMATES (TEWPOTAF)
TEWPOTAF can be YOURS!!!
All serious offers considered but WARNING: offers must be tendered by 9pm TONIGHT. Offers received after this time may have to include two slightly damaged, techy, soon to be destitute absent flatmates in package. Arrange your own collection.
Remember! TEWPOTAF is a non-returnable and non-refundable offer
Rochelle
rochelleh@gmail.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
Stinky Vengeance
I, Fuzzatchi, will do vengeance upon your foes for Twenty USD. Pitch me some ideas after payment, but usually I will figure something out. Avialable in Central Texas most of the time. (No killings, no cops, or similarily risky business. Popping someone in the head with a good rock is fine.) So let Vengeance be yours!
Fuzzatchi
spicybunz@hotmail.com
United States of America - 4/7/04
A quick and painless death!
Let me come right out and say this now: I am going to take over the world.
Yes. folks, you read it correctly. My dominance over your insignificant society will have the properties of lasting forever and also of being absolute. Every second that passes, brings you closer to the day where I will rule over you will an iron fist. No, wait...a TITANIUM fist. See, because titanium is more awesome.
So, here is the proposed transaction: after an unspecified time of ruling, I will become bored and begin the systematic elimination of the world's population. Perhaps I will use a diabolical machine of some sort, perhaps not, it all depends on if I find the right pants to go with it. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO TAKE THAT CHANCE THOUGH?
But do not crowd your useless brains with worrying thoughts, because a solution is available! Right now, for the measly price of $1 (one) Canadian dollar, I promise I will make your death quick and painless. It's a once in a lifetime (seriously) deal!
An once of prevention is a pound of cure right? So pay up, before I crush you!
Dr. Apocalypse
Roy.Apocalypse@gayamateurworld.zzn.com
Canada - 4/7/04
Virgins for those nasty pagan rites
I can get you those virgin you need for all your pagan needs.
The basic virgin comes at the age of 8 and costs only 500 POUNDS.
If you need an older virgin it will cost you 500 POUNDS more for each year (they do become rear).
Any other special needs can be met at the cost of 200 POUNDS per demend.
The price does not includes shipping and handling + Filming rights.
Sickbar
sickbar@hotmail.com
Israel - 4/7/04
Send a turd to a turd!!
For £500 I will send a fresh turd to any MP of your choice. I will post it in a brand new lunchbox (this item will be subject to the ones available in Woolworths at the time)with a drink and a sandwich and a penguin.
Russ Sanders
info@julian-cope.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
EVIL CLOWN FOR SALE
As an evil clown i will come to your party,drink a lot, be sick (probably), charm your females into a night of evil clown love,start a fight,organise family rows,fall in the grave,do crap magic, smoke illegal drugs,make children cry,women weep,dogs and cats lose their hair,and men curse their God.I also skateboard......fast....down hills.
All For £250
The Mighty YamYam
ecomike10@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
I promise to follow any person in entire world and harrras the verbally, sexually, physically for 24 hours whilst wearing any costume you see fit. 200 pounds per session (350 for celebrities).
Tom Squires.
tomgroovy@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
only 999$
Yo wanna hate aomeone??
Yo wanna hate someone until yar death??
Give me 1000 fuckin´ buck$$ and a Cleaver...
PS: if yo wannna order it, yo have to pay my flight 2
Avanti Aisa
Aisaspirator@ya.com
United Kingdom - 4/7/04
nails through my septum
for 10 euros each i will push nails through my septum (also thick 1cm nails are ok).
you can have digital photos for free.
nau
nausea01@hotmail.com
Italy - 3/7/04
SPAM every whore
For $100 I will harvest all the email addresses on the youwhores.com website and send every whore a message of your choice. You can use this opportunity to sell viagra, herbalife, morgages, penis enlargement pills, or other useful products.
Jonah Peretti
peretti@media.mit.edu
United States of America - 3/7/04
I will kick your ass: $10,000 U.S.
That's right... I will travel to the ends of the earth to hunt you down and put the beating of your life on top of you.
A genuine New York City ass-kicking the likes of which you've never seen.
I'll wail the hell out your sissy, puny little foreign ass, you betcha.
No matter what third-world shithole you live in, be it Zaire or the U.K., I'll arrive promptly at 8 AM NYC time and proceed to whip you through the streets like the mangy, flea-bitten cur that you are.
At no extra charge I will administer the drubbing with a Bensonhurst Negotiator (similar to a Louisville Slugger but with nails).
I guarantee that I will enjoy this 100% or your money back.
Transportation not included.
Vinnie "The Pooch" Pucciarelli
Haltorr the Unclean
ghost@ghost.net
United States of America - 3/7/04
Make you girlfreind jealous.
For the price of Twenty US dollars I will call you anywhere in the Continental United States and leave a message on your answering machine, voice mail or with your girlfreind herself.
If on an answering machine- I will talk in a cute sweet southern accent (my own) and call you "baby" and "sweetie" at least twice. I will mention how much I miss you and what a great time I had with you the other weekend. I will ask if you can meet me again soon. I will not leave my number but instead I will remind you I gave you my biz card
If I speak to your girlfreind-
I will leave a message for you reminding you to call me like you promised to the other weekend. I will tell your girlfreind "You must be his sister, he told me you lived with him, How is your treatment going?" If she asks "what treatment?" I will reply "oh nevermind" I will tell her to just have you call me.
For an additional $1.00 I will use the name of your choosing.
For an additional $20.00 I will email you and IM you 3 times each. (anytime except the hours of 11a till 9p M-F)
This is so your girlfreind will wonder who you are IM'ing.
contact me @ priestesspisces@(removespamcatcher)earthlink.net
Pisces
priestesspisces@earthlink.net
United States of America - 3/7/04
FAKE GAY LOVER
For £50 + travel expenses (from Belfast to anywhere in U.K.) I will pretend to be your gay lover for 24 hours. If you want to break up with your girlfriend/wife/whoever, but can't think of a valid excuse, let them see us together! They won't come near you ever again. Free beer and cigarettes will only enhance my performance!
Gordon McKinley
molemckinley@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
Piss on you if you are on fire.
For £10000 I'll piss on you if you are on fire.
I will require 24 hours notice and travelling expenses.
Dead Bloke
deadblokerip@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 3/7/04
Thuggery
For £50per day (+ expenses inc. dry cleaning) I will be your henchman. From petty violence and extortion, to extrajudicial executions, systematic rape and ethnic cleansing. Have own dark suit, menacing demeanor, own sunglasses and a penchant for rubber chickens. All resonable offers accepted.
(No timewasters/ lycra uniforms/ politicians/ secret underground headquarters with own golf carts)
Jon
satansknob@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Revenge is a dish best served cold
Revenge for any slight, malfeasance or calumny served cold. I ask only your friendship in return. One day, and this day may never come, I might ask a favour of you which you will do for me as your friend. Also, unrefusable offers proffered.
Don Gabichi
nowweare@hotmail.com
Italy - 2/7/04
Hack this site
For a laugh, I will hack your company intranet, bringing your system down for an indefinite period. Email me and amuse me in some way and I will go ahead. You may benefit in some way, particularly if you are dissatisfied in your place of work. You may not. I really do not give a shit either way.
Iko
iko_mirasaka@yahoo.jp
Japan - 2/7/04
Ass kicking opportunity
Do you feel guilty for cheating on a loved one, or have you been swindling money off your boss, or just generally feeling like you've been getting away with it for too long - well I have the answer, starting from just £50.00 I will kick your ass for you, anything from a black eye to a complete hospitalisation, no job too small! So come on, threat yourself to that beating you really deserve! Male, female, young and old all welcome. Gay bashing a speciality!! * Introductory offer - for a limited time only I will insult you over the email or phone and tell you what scum you are - for just £15.00.
If not completely satisfied you will receive a free ass kicking.
Basher
blut__und__ehre@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
One last fling
For £500, I will launch a poo projectile into the Big Brother UK house before the end of the series.
Monkey Boy
totally@fucked.org.uk
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
I'll Shout Abuse At Street Performers
Do you share my hatred of street performers in London's West End? Do you watch those twats who cover themselves in silver and wonder why the hell they bother? And every time you see a juggler, do you wish for once he'd drop one of those burning sticks he's juggling and burn to death? But are you too shy to actually shout abuse at them? For just £20 an hour I'll meet you in central London where they tend to hang out and shout any abuse at them that you wish me too. Who know's it may destroy their confidence so much they'll give up doing this. We could be doing the world a favour. So contact me now.
Alex
garbled@email.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Eat Poop
Who wouldn't want to see a grown man do this?
Bob Craine
bobbc@aol.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
SOMETHING
I will kick your mom RIGHT in the face.....fo 20 dollars american, plus airfair and accomodations. YES....right in the face.
phatty mckatty
kat@rickymartinsvagina.com
Canada - 2/7/04
Kangaroo Salesman
For the tiny sum of an Australian $1 Coin I will personally kill a kangaroo and send the remains to you anywhere in the world. Postage and Handling is extra of course. I f you require gift wrapping for a friend it will cost an extra 50c.
The Real Crocodile Hunter
martin_12_string@hotmail.com
Australia - 2/7/04
I Will CALL and INTIMIDATE whoever you want
$20 (twenty american dollars) I will make an ENRAGED phone call, cussing, scaring, threatening or however you want it, to whoever you want. This can be a demand to leave your wife alone, or to stop their dog from barking, or to just scare the sht out of them. It can be completely anonymous, or if you want names mentioned, that is fine also. There is no limit to what Ill say even threatening to murder them if you like. 1) You supply me with information about whoever you want threatened, or intimidated. This can be his address, or number of children, or anything that can be mentioned to add to their worst fears. If you have none I can improvise. 2) You supply me with their phone # and also a long distance access number and a its PIN. These can usually be purchased at any gas station. 3) Once payment is confirmed, You tell me the time and date you would like the call, and you can consider it DONE. Ill will try as many times, including days, or WEEKS if for some reason I am unable to reach this person due to their schedule. (extra phone minutes supplied by you of course) I have a very stern and intimidating voice, and can EXPLODE in an angry fit of rage on the phone, and GUARANTEE to intimidate WHOEVER is on the other end of that call.
Jack Killa
skull_cr4k3r@yahoo.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
Rain on someone's parade
For travel costs and a few high fives, I will rain on anyone's parade. Take me to someone's party that you hate, and I'll piss on the floor in front of everyone. Take me to your worst enemy's college graduation day, and I'll throw mustard on his gown and laugh in his face. Other ways to rain on someone's parade negotiable.
Julian West
tcbocs@hotmail.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
shit on your soul...
For a reasonable price, i'll sit and listen to all the reasons why you think your special and then i'll inform you how much of a fucking cunt-lick you are. YOu'll feel confused and desperate and ready to be brocken down to pieces the very next day!
novaburn
rchinchilla305@aol.com
United States of America - 2/7/04
Forum Mercenary
Are you getting a hard time in your favourite forum?
Are people just not following the rules?
Or has a nasty element reared it's ugly head in what was once a place where you could breathe?
Then send me in - I'll sort the bastards out!
I am time served patter merchant - this time was served in rather hard Glaswegian forum (some of you may know the one I'm talkin about). However, I have also been banned from several other forums, notably forums for fly fishing, Wall Street (that one was a classic by the way!), Body Builders and Tennis!
My price?
Gies yer Jakit!
Mines a 99!
klfuhhu@emailaccount.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Write swear words
I will write a limited number of swear-words for £1 a pop. You may suggest your own words for me to scroll, or you may leave it to my imagination.
Due to time constraints, I will limit my swear-word production to no more than 1000 per day.
Disclaimer: in extreme circumstances, some words may not be swear words (that is they are not indicated 'vulgar' in the dictionary), but may just be a bit rude or suggestive.
Paddington Ziggy
myfakemail@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Pedantic Twat
For £1, I will reply to an email purely to point out the spelling mistakes and ignore what you are trying to say.
A perfectly correct email pays nothing.
dja
landlord@itsnotabedsit.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
Piss on
I will piss on you for 50 ponds
Jimi
jimiriddle@hotmail.com
Wake Island - 2/7/04
Ex's stalked.
For £100 plus travel expenses I will happily stalk your ex for on a total of 3 occasions.
As part of the stalking package I will wave my Glock (stored in glovebox) at her and flash my RMP(v) ID.
Roger Stenning
roger@practicalairsoft.co.uk
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
parp
i will break wind whenever needs be. feed me the right food and £100 a day.
ta.
x
wiggy
breakism@uboot.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
NOISE
Too much time to think? Fed up with the sounds of friends, family? Bored with sleep? For the bargain price of £100 per hour I will melt your brain with noise. Standard service adhered to but requests taken for an extra £50 p/h. Default noise applied includes recordings of aeroplanes, pneumatic drills, the love-cries of pidgeons and the music of Sir Cliff Richard. Reply quick sharp for free *mystery* prize.
Becks
withnoshoe@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/7/04
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