Unoriginal Original Music from His Sampled Voice Recordings.
Browse and fail to buy unoriginal-original music, comics and art in many styles by several artists from the steam driven www.chaos2order.org.
Jolyon
c2o@dsl.pipex.com
United Kingdom - 4/5/09
Illustrations for you!
Enquire if you wish to be part of my epic plan to become grotesquely fabulous at illustration. Challenging ideas encouraged. The more difficult, the more I'll learn, and a true master of the force shall I be. Specific prices on email or negotiation, specialise in portraits and goldfish zeppelins. Drawing/Painting available. Examples at http://lexxielizzie.deviantart.com/
Alex Clark
lexxielizzie@hotmail.com
Australia - 5/8/08
T-shirts
I will print anything for you on a quality 100% cotton tee-shirt using only my imagination and water-based inks.
E-mail me with your suggestions.
Marcus Hislop
marcushislop@msn.com
United Kingdom - 24/3/08
Critical Acclaim
Everyones a critic, and for only $78 I will take a long hard look at your crap artwork, be it painting, photography, performance or the like, and I will give it a shining review. A five star love letter of a rave, gushing with references to other artists that garner far more credibility than you do, I will make your day and you can then tell everyone that your work is "Critically Acclaimed." Satisfaction or your money back.
jonas farr
jonas.farr@yahoo.com
United States of America - 6/3/08
I will write you a poem. You chose the topic. $.99
I am a poet who publishes frequently. Google my name for confirmation. If you'd like a poem about something specific--any subject, any theme, about yourself, whatever--just send me an email telling me what you want. You will get a response within 30 minutes from when I read your email. I check daily so your wait should be no more than 24 hours.
ra! gabriel
ragabri@gmail.com
Korea Sout - 29/11/07
glasgowcanvasart
i would sell 40cmx60cm canvasesof portraits of GLASGOW in either black and white or pop art colour
john martin
joogs7@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 12/11/07
Whores will play for all you whores!
Let us know if you need a loud rock band for your next wedding, sleep over, house party, desert part, on West Coast.
Whores will play for beer and pretzels!
WhoresOfTijuana
mixleplix1@yahoo.com
United States of America - 28/9/07
I will be your assistant...Artist assistant
I want to travel, and assist an artist with whatever might be needed, setting up shows, taking pictures, fetching random items that might be needed.
I donot want to travel around the US. But wouldnt mind a few places here and there. Preferably out of the states though. The price is travel expenses, food, and some spending money. thats all.
Sinclaire
pat_mcdoog@yahoo.com
United States of America - 4/4/07
will sacrifice boredom for art ...
sick of mediocrity, and the clock's ticking; willing to sacrifice very little to pursue a life in art ... am inspired by grayson perry and all things 'k' - used to drink in the queen's head pub in long marston so i do have some bohemian credentials.
all reasonable offers will be grasped at, desperately.
carl
carl@egoboss.com
United Kingdom - 10/3/07
UNIQUE PEN & INK DRAWING
FOR THE SUM OF ONE PRE 1965 SILVER COIN OR DONATION OF 5 DOLLARS, I WILL SEND YOU A ONE OF A KIND PEN & INK DRAWING. I PERSONALY GUARENTEE THAT EACH ONE WILL BE ONE OF A KIND NEVER REPRODUCED IN ANY WAY UNLESS BY YOU. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO OWN A TRUE WORK OF ART. WHEN I AM FAMOUS, YOU WILL MUCH MORE THAN DOUBLE YOUR INVESTMENT. HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO HELP A STARVING ARTIST, AND MAKE A GREAT INVESTMENT FOR THE FUTURE.
MATLOCK
MATLOCK12C@YAHOO.COM
United States of America - 6/9/06
I will exhibit your art for free
Do you want international stardom for your artistic abilities?
Just send me your artwork and I will display them at a bar and a galley in Norway. I will send you a digital picture of your piece of art when it is displayed but will not promise to return the art. When I receice enough art objects I will exhibit in other galleries in Norway and I will keep you informed whith the exhibition.
Please send to:
Dolby
PO Box 526
N-3101 Tonsberg
Norway
Bj¯rn Helge Jahnsen
dolbybar@hotmail.com
Norway - 19/8/06
Paintings
Looking for canvas paintings? I have a small collection of works that I've done. If you'd like to look through and see if there are any you like email me with any of your specifications and I'll send you an email back with photos of some that fit what you want. Just put the subject of the email as : Reply to Ad on youwhores.com!
Bri
l3riann@yahoo.com
United States of America - 24/5/06
WANT 2 READ ABOUT MY LIFE
I can send you illustrated drawings, pictures and writing description’s of my life four 50.euros/5 days. I have a very active life following other persons, have several jobs in a year and my person it’s a dangerous case off decomposition along with my brain!!!
It’s your chance 2 feel better with your life just by reading and watching pictures about mine...
Special bonus along the year.
I can send it all over the world, just send me a mail 2 arrange the details
Luis Pedras
in_decomposed@hotmail.com
Portugal - 27/11/05
PICTURE
I will draw you a picture.
Prices start at ten pounds sterling.
e mail for details.
Walker
peteriwalker@hotmail.co.uk
United Kingdom - 27/11/05
Bespoke Design for Bands and Artists
‘We can’t make you sound great, but we can make people listen’
Offering a bespoke design service exclusively for bands and artists Toxic Creations is fuelled by a love for both music and design. By being exclusive to bands and artists Toxic Creations holds advanced knowledge of the market. This only stands to improve the standard and success of the work produced.
Want to polish your demo and get signed, or self publish in true Indie fashion. Whatever your aim Toxic Creations works closely with you to ensure perfection. Logos, posters, flyers and websites are just a fraction of the services on offer.
Toxic Creations
info@toxiccreations.co.uk
United Kingdom - 14/11/05
Fund A Trip To Create A Book
I want to write a book,specifically it's categorised as either humour or travel literature. I will not share the subject matter here, because as far as I am aware there has yet to be a book produced on the subject. Normally writing a book would be cheap, but this book would involve a trip to Japan. I figure the entire trip including travel lodging and other expenses will cost about $10,000 Canadian. Those who donate more than just a couple of dollars will be listed in the acknowledgements, and all who donate will be given a synposis about the book.
Really you are just going to waste your money any way, you might as well help a man follow his dreams. Contact for details about payment.
Jay Jordan
baron_von_funk@hotmail.com
Canada - 30/10/05
I'll write and illustrate a short story in exchange for bottle caps
Hi. I'm an aspiring children's book writer and illustrator who is trying to get her name in the Guinness Book of World Records by having the largest bottle cap collection. Just send me a milk bottle cap, and I'll write and illustrate a story for you, using your bottle cap! If you send more than one milk bottle cap, I'll personalize your story and make it longer than a page. The more bottle caps you send, the longer your story will be. Please email me if you're interested.
Thanks and have a nice day!
Lori
lori_smile@yahoo.com
United States of America - 27/6/05
we will write song lyrics on any subject you choose, except 'lahmacun' !!!
lyricmaster
bettyburnn@hotmail.com
Turkey - 18/4/05
Down to earth Website design with Gravity Web Design
Need an awesome site for your music, art or business project? Gravity Web Design has an array of skills to build a really exciting, interactive, yet affordable site for your exact needs. Excellent use of multimedia, interaction, graphic design and sound. Bring the internet down to earth with Gravity Design! Complete site build starting from £250 including a years hosting. Check out www.gravity-design.co.uk or www.vibration13.com for an example of the quality on offer! |
Gravity Web Design
toby@gravity-design.co.uk
United Kingdom - 30/3/05
GRAPHICS
ILL DESIGN FLYERS FOR YOUR CLUB NIGHT, SHOP SALE, SEX SERVICE, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO PROMOTE ALSO ILL DO WEB BANNERS FOR YOUR COMPANY ALSO LOGOS REALLY ANYTHING CREATIVE ILL DO IT BIAACH. GET IN TOUCH PRICES START AT £60
XENZ
INFO@XENZ.ORG
United Kingdom - 25/2/05
PAINT ARTWORK FOR YOU
ILL PAINT ANY WALL IN YOUR SHOP, BAR , CLUB , BEDROOM, OR TOILET USING SPRAYCANS AN PAINTBRUSHES FOR £150 A DAY PLUS EXPENSES SEE MY WEBSITE WWW.XENZ.ORG FOR QUALITY OF WORK AND PREVIOUS COMMISIONS.
XENZ
INFO@XENZ.ORG
United Kingdom - 25/2/05
BlueApples Web Design
We are a Web Design company offering a chance for smaller businesses or oganisations to have a fully customised web site for a lot less than the usual web design company charge. Quality and professionalism assured, visit www.BlueApples.co.uk for more details.
BlueApples Web Design
info@blueapples.co.uk
United Kingdom - 24/2/05
Website Design
Experience Graphic Designer with skills in Flash/Actionscript, HTML/Javascript, Adobe Photoshop CS, Illustrator and plenty more! Have done work for many local clients and am planning to branch out to a broader audience based on quality of work! Full working top of the line websites ranging from $800-$2000! Contact me for portfolio and clientwork samples!
Yasir Hossain
yhossain@gmail.com
United States of America - 23/2/05
Draw your Dream Animal
if you always imagined what a hippo-giraffe would look like, i can draw it for you. send me any two to four animals that you want mixed together and $20 and i shall combine them for you in a clever and potentially humorous manner. for an additional $5 i will combine them in multiple ways for your pleasure.
Ono
dragonmaster808@hotmail.com
United States of America - 22/2/05
I will draw anything
Send me an email telling me what you need drawn, and I will draw it for you. Seriously. Or, in fact, with a degree of levity. Let me know what the subject is, and provide me with a handsome reward.
winston wolf
wolfie723@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 16/2/05
Write you!
I am a very talentless hobby writer who seeks to shaft the 'starving artist' types on this site. Their sob stories piss me off. If they are on the dole because nobody will pay them to write, why don't they go flip burgers like all the working stiffs whose parents couldnt afford to send them to school for nothing. I will write you into a story of your choosing, or if you want, my choosing ( I have a fantastic imagination...go to ahemm.org if you question my abilites). All this for only ONE DOLLAR(US)!!! That's right, I'll underbid these overeducated fudge monkeys on welfare and post your own, personalized story online for only one dollar! For $5US I will print and mail you your story on standard Staples 8.5x11 inch white printer paper, complete with title page. Length of story depends on how drunk I am and how much I feel like writing, 300 words guaranteed. Subject of story is entirely up to you, no limits, or you can leave it to me (even less than no limits). Furthermore, if you don't like the story, for only $5US, you can have me write another one! Oh, the bargains!
Phil
zoner21@ahemm.org
United States of America - 16/2/05
Be a Starving Artist for a Day
ART05 is a one day regional arts conference being held in Liverpool on Thursday Feb 24th 2005. Use my pre-booked entry to wander the venue mumbling such starving artist statements as "I dream of a brotherhood of artists - can I smell chips cooking?" or "I used to sit for Beryl Cook - I've only eaten a few Tic-Tacs since Tuesday". Might suit arts activist or a single issue campaigner. Twenty pounds o.v.n.o.
David Aspinall
info@davidaspinall.co.uk
United Kingdom - 10/2/05
Struggling writer wants to tell you a story
But it’s not a story about me, it’s one about you. Ever want to be a mighty superhero? A dashing spy? The president of your own country? Or perhaps you’ve always wanted to overthrow the world and make everyone your slave but don’t have the balls to do it in real life. Well, then, tell me how you’ve always seen yourself and I will write you a short story where you do all those things (or, at least one of them). Here’s how it works: for $15.00 you get a fabulous 100 word vignette, for $30.00 a 250 word tale to amaze your friends with, and for a mere $60.00 you get an incredible 500 word short story (your best value at only .10 cents a word, now that’s the power of buying in bulk). The stories will be emailed to you to do whatever you wish with them, but for an extra $10.00, I will print out a copy of your story on the parchment paper of your choice (copper, ivory or blue), lovingly place it in a stylish certificate holder and mail it to you (postage included in the US, cause I’m that nice, anywhere else in the world we’ll have to discuss it). I will include a letter that transfers ownership of the story to you and tell you how to copyright it (my name must remain as the author, however, in any publication you may submit it to… yeah, and good luck with that). Email me today for further details and to get your copy of the profile questionnaire. Makes a GREAT Gift! Sorry, no C.O.D.’s, payment in full is required at time of agreement. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery (I still have a day job, you know).
Christian
the_word_factory@hotmail.com
United States of America - 23/1/05
Donations for Sketches!
Due to recent money worries, I need to raise funds immediately, so I'm now offering character sketches for donations. Go to http://www.daniellundie.futurius.net/donate.html and donate something via the Donate button and I'll do you a rough sketch, either of the cartoon/comic character of your choice or give me details of your own characters and I'll do a quick character design for you. I hate asking for money like this, but I'll try and do you a good sketch for your hard-earned dough. Any and ALL donations are hugely appreciated and will go towards the most urgent of bills I need to pay off. Sketches will be single characters, no backgrounds, in pencil only and will be sent via e-mail. This is urgent, so again, any donations no matter how small are greatly appreciated and needed. See my art gallery at http://www.daniellundie.futurius.net for an idea of my range. Thanks!
Daniel Lundie
daniel@futurius.net
United Kingdom - 18/1/05
fascination for sale
im a crazed individual who will send you at least 500 words from his warped yet acutely perceptive mind in a total torrent of consciousness style. £10 per totally original piece. no two people shall be sent the same piece.
Raquinto Anderros Julango
rajfire@rock.com
United Kingdom - 9/1/05
Shit hit the fan
I live in the country, so shit of all sorts is easy to get. Just send me a fan, fairly large and high powered, and I will make sure the excrement contacts the ventilating device. Cost? I'll keep the fan, and we'll call it square.
art
artsfarts@yahoo.ca
Canada - 8/1/05
Smile Please
Student Photographer seeks models. Not fees will be paid but I will buy you a pint and show you my gratitude. This is legitimate, I just need a handful of people willing to help me out. It will be really interesting. I'll give you a print to keep. P.S I like J_P Witkin.
Emily
strungbungjung@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 8/1/05
Shout insults at Amerika
Yes, due to my close proximity to the U.S.A., I will stand on a hill, and shout insults at the country in general. Left to my own devices, they would usually take the form of political slurs, calling them the greatest threat to world peace, mindless over-consumers, and generally call into question their choice of leaders. This I would gladly do for the bargain price of $1.00 Can. per insult. Specific insults, of a non-threatening nature can be negotiated.
art
artsfarts101@yahoo.ca
Canada - 5/1/05
Flyer and poster design
Graphic designer and illustrator with nearly 10 years experience. Work with natural media as well as digital. Have a background in screen printing, press printing and desktop publishing. App's include: AdobePhotoshop, CorelDraw, AdobeIllustrator, Macromedia Freehand, Adobe In-Design, QuarkXpress, and Adobe Pagemaker. Currently specializing in vector illustration with a desire to work primarily with poster and flier graphics. My company receives $60 per hour for what I do in the day, on my own time I am willing to charge half that. Please email me for portfolio info. and for a time estimate on your project. Look forward to doing business with you.
Tracy
neoretro01@hotmail.com
United States of America - 4/1/05
Tedious pseudo 'art' project not for hire
For precisely no benefit, financial or spiritual and no obvious kudos whatsoever I shall endeavour to fabricate an imaginary 'art' project involving music, visual art, the internet and literature but not really. I shall make a vague grab at infamy by occasionally deliberately linking this with a rock/dance band who left the music business over a decade ago and make available MP3 'samples' of my derivative and unvaried 'music', whilst pretending the complete tracks are available and boring the collective pants off anyone who still cares, and spinning 2 plates. I shall also slowly make more information (including photos of myself, out of pure vanity) available when I realise that people's interest is flagging to the point that it is about as substantial as the project itself.
Mickey Kay
anotherredherring@home.com
United Kingdom - 3/1/05
Your name in the sand
For a mere $10 Canadian, I will write your name in the sand, at low tide, on a beach where the highest tides in the world will soon cover it. For $5 more you can have a second name plus connecting words such as: loves, hates, Fu*#!, etc. Your choice. Also available is bad poetry (with or without your name, or someone else's again, Your choice). My rate, a very reasonable $1 per word ($15 min.) Other requests considered, rates to be negotiated. 1 low-res. photo will be e-mailed to you if requested. Don't hesitate, this is the best deal of such an impermanate nature available this century.
art
artsfarts101@yahoo.ca
Canada - 1/1/05
Get Branded
Get a modern visual corporate identity and Brand Yourself! I will create a brand for you, logo and a catch phrase based on a 200 word personality brief supplied by you. Use it as you wish, make a stamp and never sign you name again! Impress the ladies with car graphics or illuminated signage touting your very self! Billboards! Pass yourself off as an multinational company and sells arms to under developed countries. Payment will be in hi-res photo's emailed to me, documenting the useage of said personal branding.
Crackwell Stewlips
futurehistory@hotmail.com
New Zealand - 14/12/04
A mile in your shoes.
For exactly $50.00 USD plus the price of shipping, I will walk exactly 1 mile (~1.6 kilometres) in your shoes. After establishing e-mail contact, you will package and ship your shoes and a money order in the amount of $50.00 plus the price of return shipping to the address I will give you. When I receive your shoes, I will walk exactly one mile in them. I will make a video document of myself walking one mile in your shoes. I will then write a one-paged (single-spaced, 12 pt. font) essay on what it was like to walk in your shoes. Upon completion, I will package and ship your shoes, a CD containing a digital copy of the video, and the essay to the return address from the original package.
Loki
hauptbeuteltier@yahoo.com
United States of America - 14/12/04
seranade you
need to feel special? For no fee I will stand outside your bedroom window and seranade you with the song of your choice. overwhelming emotion guaranteed. have own guitar
Tim
myownbadself@aol.com
United Kingdom - 12/12/04
Multimedia Designer
Norwegian Designer with 5 years of experience. Working for $£25 an hour. Photoshop Imageready InDesign Illustrator PHP HTML CSS
Kjell-Roger Ringstad
kjell-roger@ringstadonline.com
Norway - 6/12/04
bathroom/product designer
design and plan your bathroom/bespoke furniture products. price by Negotiation
mark graham
chippymint@mac.com
United Kingdom - 6/12/04
Artworker / Illustrator
For all artworking, illustration, graphic or web design needs I am your man, the more challenging and creative the better. charge of £15 per hour. please visit www.eyetooth-art.co.uk for my personal online portfolio, and get in touch if you would like to know anything more. cheers Steve
Stephen Cartwright
steve_sjbc@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/12/04
Web Designer
I am a self employed web designer running a small business working from home. My starting price for a website is £500 depending on your requirements. All enquires to sales@ra-computers.com
Christopher Lambert
chris.lambert@ra-computers.com
United Kingdom - 1/12/04
Graphic Design / Artworker
Available for freelance work from home, day price £130. P/h £30. Experiance using Adobe CS, Quark. Leaflet and Stationary design.
Duncan Ruby
coloursense@btinternet.com
United Kingdom - 20/11/04
SOMETHING USEFUL FOR A CHANGE!
QUALITY DESIGN FOR THE MASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sick of wanker design types in square-rimmed glasses, drinking expensive lager and generally looking like tossers, making loads of money while you graft hard for no reward? Well I f**ckin' am! So in a selfless act of near-charity I'm offering my consumate illustration skills to you, "The Masses" Seeing that Xmas is fast approaching (for a limited time only mind!) Send me a decent photo and I will turn it into an illustration for the knock down price of just £20! yes just £20!! samples available on request! Satisfaction guarenteed! This is a genuine offer, get professional illustrations for a steal!!! Perfect Xmas gift!!!
Nik Cannon
nikjcannon@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 15/11/04
Novel appearance?
I will insert you into the pages of the novel I am writing. The novel is a serious proposition, on which I am collaborating with a London literary agency, speaking as a published author. For £100 I will simply insert your name into the existing novel framework - there are both male and female characters. However, if you want the character to say specific dialogue, behave in a certain way or indeed have a particular appearance, more will need to be paid. If in advance of this commission you would like to read the novel so far that would be possible. Perhaps you will identify a character you would like to be.
JH
worldwidelie@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 29/10/04
buy yourself a tantalising insight into my life!
simply by duplicating every single text message i send to someone else and then sending it to you, you are guaranteed an intriguing glimpse into the life of a normal 30 year old male. imagine the thrill of piecing together a stranger's life from frankly tedious messages such as "ok", "fancy a pint?" " and the classic "have you left yet?" all you have to do is pay for the extra text messages! (i've got a contract phone, so i can just text you what you owe at the end of each month.)
Tim
tim@baltik.co.uk
United Kingdom - 28/10/04
creative graphic designer
Daily rates for graphic design £150 Hourly rates £25 Includes web design, print design, animation, vide work, CD-ROM design - happy to discuss your project first.
Jerome Turner
jerometurner@dsl.pipex.com
United Kingdom - 12/10/04
Crack Wax, feel my pain...
oh yes, feel it, live it, own it.... When I have my crack waxed (and I will ) you too could be a part of it. Just send me £50 and I will send you the wax strip with hair attached and audio tape of my screams.... Tea tree aftercare, avaliable at an extra £2.99 FEEL THE PAIN AND DO IT ANYWAY. Johnny
johnny
johnnyg@email.com
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
Kiss In A Card
For £5 I will buy a Christmas card, put lipstick on, kiss it, sign it "Daisy", enclose a sexy picture and send it to you. Imaging what your friends will say when they realise you've been sent a Christmas card from Daisy! Other names available, please enquire.
Chris H
flaminglips123@teamsatan.com
United Kingdom - 10/10/04
paint stuff
paint art for 15 quid per hour plus travel expenses if there are any.
R
rolyatss@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 7/10/04
Tired of being the "single" guy or girl?
Reasonably attractive 20 year old female, for the low cost of only $20 will write carnally graphic love letters which you can show off to all your friends. Feel loved! Fell special! PROVE IT and Be popular! I am capable of writing in many different handwriting styles just in case you'd like the boys to know that you've not only been playing the field, you're the goddamn MVP! And for an optional $10, thats right... just $10, you will be supplied with one photo* of your new found love. Additional photos only $5 extra (per photo) Other services such as valentines, phone calls, and actual outing are negotiable. *photos are not of pornographic nature.
Cheshire
cheshiresuicide@yahoo.com
United States of America - 3/10/04
8 HOURS OF FAME!
I'll folow you around for 8 hours (am, pm or a combination of both) with a camera and sound crew. I don't care what we do or where we go. The only rule is you can't reference any of us or aknowledge our prescence. If someone says "Hey, (your name) what the fuck are these guys following you around for?", you have to respond with a shrug or pretend like they've lost their mind. Prices negotiable, starting at $100.
G.
writegardner@hotmail.com
United States of America - 2/10/04
fun drawings of you or me!
if you too would like a slightly amusing but scary drawing of yourself you are at the right place.for the low price of $5 once you submit any photo i will draw it from my own imagination.possible items that it would have include:balloons,bear bodies,ice cream cones,diet cola,odd stars,large overdrawn eyes,blood,and for an additional $2 any item you wish.
tonyvortex
tonyvortex@gmail.com
United States of America - 30/9/04
laa laa
Send me a donation and i shall sing in the shower
Muna
jungle_007@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 23/9/04
my incontinent squirell collection
please note: this advertisement has nothing to do with squirells or there bowel movements. thank you. 1 piece of lightly folded a4 sized paper soaked in gin(romanian) and dusted with henna for that all round euphoric effect can be yours if you bring me one lock of hair(pubic/underarm) from a mermaid named doris who roams the indian ocean pretending to be a taxi driver but whos licence expired in march 2001 it can be posted from a uk based postal box to my hometown of walking distance from anywhere not second class please i'm inpatient. thank you
jambo fictcious
hangingwithmrmanwhore@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 21/9/04
Drum while you sleep
For just £14 p/h I will come to your house (UK only) and drum you to sleep. I have my own kit and can also just percuss you to sleep with bongos or tamborines.
Claudio Shnok
wellyboots@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 21/9/04
Toad-in-the-hole and ladybird cabaret
For £1,412.12 I will travel anywhere in the UK (including the weird islands) to cook you my truly delicious toad-in-the-hole (serves 2-3, please specify sausage preference). While you eat I will bimble about on the floor 'being' a ladybird and singing a selection of songs by artists such as Shirley Collins, Huun Huur Tu, Rob'n'Raz and Anal Cunt, periodically getting up to squirt Daddies' Ketchup onto your plate (Heinz would spoil the mood). Drop me a line for my paypal address and very soon you could be sated with lardy goodness and a world-class insectoid floorshow.
Nitrous McBread
lotofweatherwevebeenhavinglately@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 20/9/04
Picture You!
I will make a series of pictures of you within your own favourite painting(s)* for 150 Euro, exl. filmroles & travelcosts. (photoshoot of a few hours) - Also Fantasy pictures possible! (Elves, etc...) *Meaning that you'll have a picture of yourself somehow interwined into a painting, for example; you can be a Degas ballerina! Or be part of Dali's typical environments! You take your pick! And I'll make the pics!
Denise
cestlavie_musique@hotmail.com
Netherlands - 13/9/04
realistic faux girlfriend with/or written/illustrated fantasies
Need a fake girlfriend? A minimum of fifteen hours weekly devoted to to letters, stories and pictures about your fabulous/conflicted/adventurous/bizarre/youpick relationship OR have a short graphic novel of the topic of your choice a first flat rate of item(s) chosen off various wishlists required for serious consideration (or if it's really good)
sarah finn
sarahfinn@hotmail.com
United States of America - 5/9/04
I will sing to you
And that's not all! Oh no, fear not, for I will bring you my guitar and sing to you under the persona 'YOU WILL DIE'. However, there's vacant slots to be filled - ARE YOU DRUMMER? ARE YOU A BASSIST? Drop me a line. With such song titles as HELLO GOODBYE DIE BLOODY DIE I DIE TODAY YOU LITTER, YOU DIE DIE DIE MY DARLING (MISFITS COVER) FOR THE RECORD, DIE I WANT YOU TO DIE (DWARVES COVER) You cannot fail to be moved by such a forceful marriage of punk and rock - and you will almost certainly die by the crust punk rock that YOU WILL DIE display on their dead sleeves.
Oink
doinkster@wogeatwog.com
United Kingdom - 24/8/04
sing (narrate) your life
id like to narrate your life for a day. ill hang around in the background, unseen, providing an insight into your thoughts and actions out loud for you (and everyone else) to hear. e.g. "dave walked into the bar, wearing nothing but a grin and shoulder pads. he surveyed the scene. a girl gave him a smile, 'what a minger' thought our hero. the girl abruptly stopped smiling and threw her drink over dave, who seemed baffled. he walked to the bar, a masterly walk. he was a ladys man and his cheeky wiggle attracted the stares of many a lady, also some men, especially the effeminate barman." all this for chips and mushy peas (mmmmmm). DISCLAIMER: should the narrators interpretations of your thoughts cause effeminate-looking barmen to take exception to ur apparent slander i will not be held responsible.
gareth zaRquon
seemyvest2002@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 21/8/04
Cake II
I will paint a portrait of a cake for you. I've never really painted anything, so you know it's going to be good. It may be a slice of cake; it make be a whole cake. I really can't say right now, that's part of the creative process. I will be charging $26 USD for this product. For an extra $2.78 USD I can add a small toy race car sitting at the side of the cake. http://cardhouse.com/contact/contact.htm
Cardhouse
noemail
United States of America - 6/8/04
You Love Goth Rock
I'll take your favorite tunes and re-record them as goth rock, $50/ea. No questions asked.
Kyle
soyantibalas@yahoo.com
United States of America - 2/8/04
SHIP IN A BOTTLE
For £50 I will build a ship in a bottle, for £25 I'll inflate a dinghy in a bottle, for £100 plus parts I'll reconstruct the 350 ft HMS Destroyer in a bottle.
Monkey Boy
mr_ships@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 31/7/04
100 cheese pizzas to right video geek!
Anyone with a sense of touch and falir for creating beautiful, obscene and political eyesores and visuals. Please contact me, since im willing to sell 100 cheese pizzas for 1$. If the right person shows up and wishes to direct or create a controversial visuals for a song by an underground optimistic danish hardcore band. get in touch....
mikkel
baandoptager@hotmail.com
Denmark - 30/7/04
musikal services - price to be negotiated
dj, make experimental film music,play with other musicians or record sounds in Berlin. influences:stereolab,trts,mogwai,ui,fsk,klf,sfa,to rococo rot,john peel,godspeed,bill wells,high llamas, broadcast,the fall,philip glass,arab strap, captainbeefheart, appliance, kraftwerk, billymahonie,e.neubauten...
D-Rock
dirkmarkham@hotmail.com
Germany - 30/7/04
I will make you a song with your favorite sound(s)
record the sound(s) you love and i will assemble a song utilizing your recording. cassette minicassette dat cd minidisc wax cylinder all accepted.
christopher white
magicicada@gmail.com
United States of America - 30/7/04
Ideas for sale
Available for sale or hire tangible ideas at reasonable rates. For all you concept, invention and business venture needs. Prices vary. Ideas are non refundable.
Ideas gezzer
lisagalloway@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 28/7/04
Entry Level Work in Media (in London)
For the small sum of 12,000 English Pounds per annum I will degrade myself beyond the point of a safe psychological return! Watch me as I commute into the centre of London everyday withstanding the smelly, sweaty, silent (everyone on the verge of tears) type atmosphere that only the tube can deliver so delightfully! (1 hour in, 1 hour back). I will walk into an office in which no one will want to even look at me for fear of being seen saying good morning to 'The Runner'. I will spend the next hour making sure that all the over-fed public school educated knobs in the office have the right coffee/pain-au-chocolats on their desk. I will also do all other shopping required for office. I will then spend the rest of the day manning a fax machine and making sure that everyone has a cup of tea as and when they want it! If I am lucky I will get to stare at the back-end of taxi's for an hour if I have to pick up/drop off a person or package. If I am extra lucky I will get to be stuck on the A40 for several hours in rush hour, my only comfort being the playlisted radio garbage which I will listen to letting what is left of my soul disintegrate into the grey Tuesday afternoon atmosphere. (n.b. The fact that I own a 1st Degree from 'The best course of its kind in the country' should make parting with that cash that much sweeter).
Dwain Dibley
Everyman@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 27/7/04
Pay me to stop
Im a musician here is one of my songs. http://www.polarizednorthstar.com/images/prometheus_-_risk_taker.mp3 If you pay me 50 bucks I will stop playing this infernal racket and pick up a quieter hobby.E-mail me for details.
ty
higherthan5@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 26/7/04
parsley please!
If more than 5 of u support me I will spend my dead dad's life savings on a Viking-themed parsley restaurant,where customers can sing Norse battle anthems while dining on bouquets of the finest fresh parsley.I am looking for people to serve parsley to the customers tables.Restaurant experience & previous knowledge of parsley preferred. No thyme waiters please.
Dr. Ifuk Arsez
ifuk.arsez@btinternet.com
United Kingdom - 24/7/04
DRAW A PICTURE OF YOU FROM WORDS
Describe yourself in 50 words, send it to me and I will draw a picture of what I imagine you to look like from your description. This will test both the accuracy of your literary prowess and that of your self-image. Alternatively, send me a picture of yourself and I shall describe you in 50 words. I am a writer and poet who runs a writing group in North London and I have an A-Level in Art & Design, from ages ago.
Richard Tyrone Jones
richardtyronejones@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 22/7/04
