Bad Advice
If you need to ruin your life I will personally give you any bad advice at anytime of day, for example what to say to your boss if your pissed off at him or to show your anger at your girl friend if you want to break up with her. so email me and depending on teh situation reaching from 10 usd to 50 usd I will give you bad advice
Alex
partysonic@hotmail.com
United States of America - 21/5/08
Pretend to be your Gf
Will pretend to be your girlfriend send you photos write you letters anything that is not gay for $20 a week
Lisa
methchick@hotmail.com
United States of America - 2/5/08
The first person to reply to this advert will receive a free ticket to a gig.
W/ yours truly.
J
wetkipper@gmx.co.uk
United Kingdom - 2/5/08
Zeitgeist Australis Carbon Based Parity Checker
Is your target market an Australian audience? Yes? WOW! We can help YOU!
Don't just add a Koala Bear or mere passing reference to outback barbecues and thongs, lowest common denominator culture will swallow so much more!
Don't come off as mooching off stereotypes, we will check your copy for lame "Aussie" references and replace them with deep self-indulgent metaphors.
We will provide this service in return for world peace.
exlex
exlexet@gmailpointcom
Australia - 25/3/08
Great Pacific Reverse Garbage Patch
The North Pacific Subtropical Gyre is a vortex accumulating non-biodegradeable photdegrading plastics and now contains over five times as much garbage as zooplankton.
You may purchase any quantiy of this garbage and we will ship it to your door for environmentaly sound disposal which doen't involve toxic polymers entering the food chain.
Contact us now to add to a trained email inbox and arrance a quote, orders over five tones will recieve a 77% discount.
exlex
exlexet@gmailpointcom
Australia - 25/3/08
T-shirts
I will print anything for you on a quality 100% cotton tee-shirt using only my imagination and water-based inks.
E-mail me with your suggestions.
Marcus Hislop
marcushislop@msn.com
United Kingdom - 24/3/08
Smell like fish be dead tired and broke.
For a small fee of 1 sixpack of beer (must be cold, brand is your choice).
I will get you a job on a longlineing fishing vessel, where u can bust your balls 20 hours a day for 2 weeks.
Ballbuster
deepcmonkey@gmail.com
Australia - 15/3/08
Critical Acclaim
Everyones a critic, and for only $78 I will take a long hard look at your crap artwork, be it painting, photography, performance or the like, and I will give it a shining review. A five star love letter of a rave, gushing with references to other artists that garner far more credibility than you do, I will make your day and you can then tell everyone that your work is "Critically Acclaimed." Satisfaction or your money back.
jonas farr
jonas.farr@yahoo.com
United States of America - 6/3/08
The Sell...
(Knowledge of Itself)
The Sell of knowledge is acquired only by me.. I will tell you what you need to know in life to submit yourself to accomplish anything...
Price Varies on Problems
ratcheezy@yahoo.com
David
ratcheezy@yahoo.com
United States of America - 5/3/08
Free Lessons
This is a global open source project aimed to create a web of teachers who are willing to give lessons for free in any subject the teacher is qualified in. Persons who are interested to teach /their interest for free/ should contact the following email. Peace
electric vibrations
electricvibrations@live.com
Turkey - 1/3/08
Wrestling Superstar
Ever want to be a professional wrestler? Dream of walking into a packed arena to the sound of your very own theme song? Wish you could experience the rush of fans screaming your name every time you walk into a room? Well now you can! For the minimal fee of $200 USD I will accompany you on your daily routine and announce your presence while playing your chosen theme music before you enter any room. For an extra $50 USD I will also produce a custom* theme song to match your chosen wrestling persona (* note custom theme song limited to tracks 1-17 on The Chipmunks Greatest Christmas Hits album).
$200 fee includes Presenter with boom box, glittery sport coat, ray ban sunglasses, megaphone and slick back hair. Cardboard signs proclaiming your dominance or hatred to be passed out to patrons before your arrival in each room. Additional services include midget sidekick, Roman candle pyrotechnics, LED flashlight light show, and lit cigarette fog machine.
Rob
Machoman@yahoo.com
United States of America - 25/2/08
The one with the plan
I like too have a good time! I like too show the woman good loving and believe u me I know what i am doing!!! If there is anyome that likes a good fuck, then hit me up and we can get together
Tim
nsspratley@yahoo.com
United States of America - 9/2/08
Homemade Products.
If you love things that are homemade and have that personal touch, I may be able to help you. I am experienced in making everyday things myself, from materials found lying around the home.
If your tastes are conventional, I could make you some homemade sweets.
Perhaps you like customised clothes, so I could make you some new personal attire.
Maybe you want something homemade that you never thought was possible.
E-mail me with details of what you desire and i can make you something beautiful yet practical*
Prices are negotiable and reasonable according to product.
*Homemade Products can only be practical as long as nothing electrical or mechanical is needed to work.
HomelyJo
itsnotrocketsurgery@hotmail.co.uk
United Kingdom - 3/2/08
Sick of people who won't go away.
Are you sick of people not going away at the end of your party? at you bar after closing time? or just want you neighbours to move. Hire Blame Coca Cola, we are the best at making people to leave. We have never had a public that stand watching us till the end of the show. We will come down for gas money and beer!
Blame Coca Cola
blamecocacola@gmail.com
Netherlands - 25/1/08
Help you fake your death
Sick of your life? Sick of your friends/debts/job/family? Want a brand new start somewhere else?
For the low price of 20,000 Euros I will help you fake your death, any way you want. Scuba diving accident, hobo-stabbing accident, car accident, choking on a pretzel.
I will even marry you beforehand and collect on your life insurance money afterwards, as long as I get to keep 25% of the money.
Mk
MKL2718@gmail.com
France - 8/1/08
Create premier movie actor trivia game
Help me create the board game version of "Wolfman's: Name that Flick!", the premier movie actor trivia game. Think you are a "movie buff" or movie expert? Try my game.
Ex/ What movie has Alyssa Milano and Arnold Schwartzenegger?
Check out/Go to "Wolfman's Name that Flick!" at Amazon.com
Edward "Wolfman" Robbins
ed_robbins@msn.com
United States of America - 7/1/08
A chance to see your partner, lover, or friends as a PORN STAR!
Send at least 3 photos of your beloved GF and I'll make her photos into the lewdest and raciest photos I can by using photoshop. The nastier the photos you send the better the results will be. 100% confidentiality guaranteed. Also, short movie clips can be transferred into a set of photos. If you’ve always wanted to see your girl as a porn star. Now’s your chance. Ah and ladies, the same can be done for boyfriends.
Moctezuma Johnson
moctezuma.johnson@gmail.com
Thailand - 17/12/07
Alpha Males Neutered
Management moron making your life hell? Want to squeeze his throat until the shit he calls brains oozes out his ears? Grind his bastard face under your heel like the roach he is? Don't soil your hands! For a mere $10k and expenses one of my nubile daughters can seduce him and lance his ego like the festering boil it is. She will enslave him and render him impotent by constantly comparing him to ex-lovers, and alluding to the striking similarity between his genetalia and that of a hamster. Have a particularly arrogant fuck on your hands? For $50k and other inducements ( to be negotiated privately ) we'll turn them all loose on him at once. He'll wither and die like a snake in a brushfire. This is a surefire system...don't delay...schedules are tight.
livedog
livedogab@yahoo.com
United States of America - 14/12/07
mother my minions
an idea has sparked and some how made it into a recurring dream! this dream has me placed as the head of the worlds governments in a tyrannical sort of position. now fret not young children of the world, for it will not be all doom and gloom, i plan for a harmonious existence for all those who do not appose my rule. as for the infidels, not so much! anyhow, to turn this great dream into a reality, i realized that the only way to really get into this position of power would either be through diplomacy, or revolution! giving it much thought, i've concluded that diplomacy is for jack-offs, so now the only way to revolt against the world is to have my own army. now i can go around enlisting strangers to join up or i can father the army myself! this is where i need your help. the women of the world will need to put their best foot forward (among other parts of the anatomy) for the future of all mankind! in preparation i will need you all to impregnate yourselves with my "DNA" every nine months for the next ten years. that comes to 13.3 children per woman. now i understand that not all of you are going to be interested in bearing my minions, but those that are will be remembered come the turn of power and the non-participants... not so much! i cannot afford to financially support these children so once again i need the women of the world to step up to the call of duty. reparations will be made come the turn of power! at the age of 10 the children will be placed in training camps to be brain washed into believing in my cause and to become ruthless killers who will fight, defend and die for said cause. now it seems some what archaic and barbaric, but just think, the private army of the defender of the universe will be soldiered by those who call you mother! now who couldn't be proud of that? with that said applying for the position for minion bearer is quite simple, e-mail me with a number that you can be reached at and a discussion will take place before a personal meeting. then a physical will be required and if all goes well, a one time fee of $300.00 will be needed for the DNA deposit and we will be in business
crumb
crumbvdub@hotmail.com
United States of America - 1/12/07
I will write you a poem. You chose the topic. $.99
I am a poet who publishes frequently. Google my name for confirmation. If you'd like a poem about something specific--any subject, any theme, about yourself, whatever--just send me an email telling me what you want. You will get a response within 30 minutes from when I read your email. I check daily so your wait should be no more than 24 hours.
ra! gabriel
ragabri@gmail.com
Korea Sout - 29/11/07
Heavy Equipment Operator/
Truck Driver
Any one who needs a few odd jobs done around the ranch or the golf course who is interested in hiring someone to come out and do it for them. Consider givin me a ring. I can run just about anything u can throw at me and sometimes i can fix it too. Landscaping and tree work is not a problem, nor would post hole drillin, fence painting, trenching, ditching, dozing of any kind, residential irrigation,drilling other than water and anything else u might have kickin around for odd jobs. You rent the equipment and or own, and i'll get shit done,quick as possible with no fuck-ups. I will work for equipment or land but other than that i prefer day rate and accomodations provided.How much do i charge per day u ask. Well that all depends on how much fun i have after work. If you the client was a golf course or a hotel resort somewhere incredibly beautiful with tons of women and lots of free alcohol. I would not charge a whole lot of money.But if the opposite were true. U'd be payin out y'er asshole. So there you have it folks that's my 2cents on this amazing awesomely fuckin wackd website you silly fucks got goin on here. p.s and if u're a hot cougar I will work for free
muffinman
rigpigcalgary@yahoo.com
Canada - 26/11/07
An apology to southerners (in USA) for insulting them and offer of repayment
I recently made a comment in front of a large group of people that Southerners were stupid, backward, and ignorant. First off I would like to apologize. Secondly, anyone who would have been offended by that comment is welcome to email me. For each email I receive, I will send $5 to confederateamericanpride dot com. If you have friends or family that you know would be offended as well, feel free to forward this to anyone.
R
apologyforsouth@yahoo.com
United States of America - 21/11/07
MONEY
Im selling any money 1:1 changing rate of any currency!
HENO
henry@boraros.com
United Kingdom - 14/11/07
i dont believe you
I doubt you will, but if you do I'll give another one.
Fun Al
bleedinrory@hotmail.com
Ireland - 13/11/07
glasgowcanvasart
i would sell 40cmx60cm canvasesof portraits of GLASGOW in either black and white or pop art colour
john martin
joogs7@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 12/11/07
Slap The President On Live Television : 10 dollars.
I actually would slap the dog shit eating grin off of his retarded monkey face for free. But I guess 10 bucks is a fair price.
joe jacksonite
joejacksonite@gmail.com
United States of America - 10/11/07
fuck the shit outta u
thats about it
James Lasseter
james_lasseter2000@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 8/11/07
Psychokinetic Kinesiology
I am available for two hours each Thursday and Friday to deliver this healing service by prior appointment to my clients. Contact me by email, detailing your symptoms and needs, to arrange an appointment. Experience life-changing healing in the comfort of your own home,with confidentiality and discretion guaranteed. Charges very reasonable, from €50 per one-hour session. Treatment is entirely telekinetic, but email/chat must be available during session.
Honora Waterman
mtukufu@mail2web.com
Ireland - 7/11/07
ancillary information matrix
you've heard of external hard drives. well, what about an external soft drive? i'll feel frustrated, sad, crabby, horny, tweeked, adumbrated, Napoleaned, inadequate, consternated, perforated, re-educated, somnolent, diploidic, et cetera, FOR YOU! tired of those vacillating e-motions? well, i've got the ultimate e-solution.
one-day rate: $100.00 (why not, it's a good round number)
one-week rate: original oil painting of concept "desire"
one-month rate: a trained office monkey
one-year rate: priceless
superme
fox_gjuunf@trashmail.net
United States of America - 7/11/07
Touch
I will touch you, no questions asked.
calcium
calcium@hotmail.co.uk
United Kingdom - 7/11/07
FUck for 50 bucks
Yeahh i fuck for fifty:)an hour
and head for 20:)for ten minutes
Alicia
liciawelchy9702@yahoo.com
United States of America - 6/11/07
M8YS
IMA FAIRLY COOL GUY ILL B UR M8 2 JST EMAIL AND WELL GETSTA CHATN
filly
FIL.LIS@HOTMAIL.COM
New Zealand - 5/11/07
Nice tits
10 dollars to see me and maybe more you never know
tiff
wcjones6788@aol.com
United States of America - 2/11/07
ANYTHING
What ever you need that dont cost me i got you for a fee of 10-25usd depending on what it is
tiff
wcjones6788@aol.com
United States of America - 2/11/07
Sustain your hammer.
I will help maintain the good looks of your hammer, for a small fee. The flow of kinetic energy in your force amplifier will not be altered in any way.
This service is particularly useful for those seeking to destroy forensic evidence.
Alex
agentgypo@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/11/07
BEER TESTING
Unsure if you're beer has been spiked by russian agents or that guy over there with his hands in his pockets well I'm your man. Send it here and you won't DIE.
Tom
bugs.duggan@hotmail.co.uk
United Kingdom - 24/10/07
ANNOYING PHONE CALLS ................................ completeley free
all i do all day is phone random numbers and offer them mobile phone up-grades.... the funny thing is i don't even work, i'm on benefit. So for the price of an enemies mobile phone number i will ring them every five minutes, put on an unconvincing accent and offer them something they don't want.. AND if they're a real cock i'll just ring up and put them on hold. enjoy they're frustration.
telemarkettingknob
telemarketingknob@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 11/10/07
NARROW BOAT SHIFTER - UPDATE
Want to move your canal boat but too busy, idle or scared to do it yourself? I'll shift it from anywhere to anywhere on the English/Welsh canals, excluding the tidal Trent. Let's say, what? Three hundred quid for a weeks work? Available from Christmas. Or thereabouts.
(Update due to change of email address and I was undercharging - still no takers though)
scorzonera
scorzonera@peacemail.com
United Kingdom - 4/10/07
Looming Essay
More concerned with partying than writing that looming essay? Nothing new there...
However, are you so dedicated to the art of partying that you don't even have the time to plagiarise an essay, cut'n'pasted from the internet, like everyone else does?
Well, for a mere £5 per 100 words, I will cut'n'paste some truly third-rate academic ramblings on your behalf, including some grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, just to make it authentic.
Any subject undertaken.
samuel m cooper
samcooper1111@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/10/07
Assassin
I commit murders. The price depends on the person
Jason
apeirongr@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 1/10/07
Whores will play for all you whores!
Let us know if you need a loud rock band for your next wedding, sleep over, house party, desert part, on West Coast.
Whores will play for beer and pretzels!
WhoresOfTijuana
mixleplix1@yahoo.com
United States of America - 28/9/07
Get Nekkid
Ever feel like there's not enough nudity in the world? For $10 USD per month I will sit around my apartment naked as a blue-jay. Scratching extra as required.
Jared
jarednance2000@yahoo.com
United States of America - 28/9/07
Bake
I will bake you a cake for a mere 35USD and cookies for 18USD. I've taken a professional cake decorating course and love to bake. You can get a decorated one with roses and everything, or you can get a more homemade one. I make all different types, so I can probably rustle up whatever you want! I also make to die for mocha chocolate chip cookies (nuts optional).
I am unsure of the laws for sending baked goods internationally. If you want it, research it and add 8USD to your order.
For 400USD and plane fare + accommodations (hotel,motel,b&b - not your house) I will show up and show you how to make the above.
YOUR goodies
ma.putain@gmail.com
United States of America - 25/9/07
rodnreal
I will SEXUALLY satisfy interested women in my area liberty mo. 64068 with my 5'6'' blond haired blue eyed muscular tanned body. WOMEN LOOK AND HONK AT ME ALOT. 75 ROSES
rodnreal47
rodnreal47@wmconnect.com
United States of America - 24/9/07
Badger Beating
Are you tired of those GOD DAMN pesky rodents we call BADGERS? Well i'll kill em for you
Optimus Prime
coreyisgay@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 24/9/07
Terror
For just $16 I will tip off the appropriate government agency about your connection to Al Qaida. Guaranteed inclusion for you to at least 9 government watch lists. For an extra $3 I can arrange for a trip for two to the U.S. Detention Facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. You'll have the time of your life being interrogated, harassed, tortured, and just generally having fun at America's premier resort/gulag.
Tyler
tylermcninch@yahoo.com
United States of America - 24/4/07
Send Australians Back Where They Belong
Why is is that every bar that you go into has an Australian barman? And why do they all tell you that Australia is the most beautiful place in the world? If so, then why don't you fuck off back there and stop fucking annoying me instead of just giving me a pint? There's a reason Australia is so far away, and that's to keep annoying twats like you away from the rest of civilization. Send me $10 per...and I will tell every Australian I ever meet who claims 'It's the most beautiful place in the world' to shove it up their arse and fuck off.
Bob
leccy66@gmail.com
United States of America - 19/4/07
For Free .. A Real Friend .. To care .. to listen to advice
A Real Friend, Muslim one, to listen to you, to care, to advice, to help .
Free of charge, just expecting mutual friendship
God Bless you all
Sarah
sarah.friendly@gmail.com
Egypt - 10/4/07
X
I WILL CHANGE THE WORLD IN EXCHANGE FOR SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT FOR
J.D
birungidavies30@hotail.com
United Kingdom - 10/4/07
I will be your assistant...Artist assistant
I want to travel, and assist an artist with whatever might be needed, setting up shows, taking pictures, fetching random items that might be needed.
I donot want to travel around the US. But wouldnt mind a few places here and there. Preferably out of the states though. The price is travel expenses, food, and some spending money. thats all.
Sinclaire
pat_mcdoog@yahoo.com
United States of America - 4/4/07
Movie Buddy!
Have you ever wanted to go see a movie but did not have any one to go with? If you are sick of looking like a pathetic sap that is always at the movies alone, then my services can help you immensely. I will go the movies with you. You now have someone to cry with, be scared with, and to run off and refill your popcorn. One top of that, you will never look like the wretched loner again. All I am asking is $10 a show plus the cost of popcorn and ticket.
Kristen
tenn isleto87@aol.com
United States of America - 27/3/07
1 dollar a page
For one US dollar, I will send you a random page from the next story/paper I write. It could be about anything or written about any topic. It's a surprise! I promise that if you'll never get the same page twice. For ten dollars you can have the entire story/paper, but I DON'T promise that it'll be ten pages.
Bear
i.discordia@yahoo.com
United States of America - 26/3/07
Vandalism
I will Spray paint anything in the Portland or Chicago area for a small payment of $100 for every defacement of anything.
Tristan Hill
tbot666@gmail.com
United States of America - 21/3/07
Do you hate somebody?
when you hate somebody but just dont have the heart to tell them of just not enough nut to deal with it then call me with a way to contact them and why you hate them and I WILL DO IT FOR YOU! so you don't have to, all will be completely confidential and you will reap the rewards for your dirty deeds.
to contact me call 712-333-3888
just refer to "i hate somebody"
all payable contracts are based per individual at the time of discussion
I am and equal opportunity hater
results depend on the fact of the case,not garaunteed to have some adverse effects on your life
Corey
Triple8two@aol.com
United States of America - 12/3/07
will sacrifice boredom for art ...
sick of mediocrity, and the clock's ticking; willing to sacrifice very little to pursue a life in art ... am inspired by grayson perry and all things 'k' - used to drink in the queen's head pub in long marston so i do have some bohemian credentials.
all reasonable offers will be grasped at, desperately.
carl
carl@egoboss.com
United Kingdom - 10/3/07
A (metaphorical) suit of dogshit.
For no recognition whatsoever, I will walk around Rochdale wearing a cloak of my manyfold past embarrassments, represented here by dogshit. Oh yes.
Billy Bullshit
dodgyjez@hushmail.com
United Kingdom - 3/3/07
chop my hand off cook it and eat it
Title means exactly what it says I'm a chef by trade and i would cut my own hand off and eat it for 10,000 English pounds, right hand only as i am left handed unless u wanna pay and extra 5 grand. don't really think feet would taste very nice so i ain't doing that. it would be stupid ya think?
e-mail me if you have any questions, would like to do it in person so that way if i faint from blood loss you can help me. could do it i guess over a live web cam i guess but i don't know anyone that would help me if i fainted. my girlfriend is definitely against me doing it. 2,500 quid and ill cut hers off. lol
i would like to know what a human brain tastes like so if you have and donations please e-mail me and ill give you my postal address
hope to hear from you soon :-)
Rooster
rageinrosters@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/3/07
Advice
Issues - dilemmas - matters arising - anxieties - worries - no job to small and ain't no mountain high enough - if enough is enough `i can't go on ( no more no more no ) then email me and for £5 an email I will deliver advice with the following caveat . Whatever advice one listens to it is all shit you will just do what you want anyway , but hey at least `i have provided the pause for thought . Look forward to hearing from you
Peter Harrell
peterharrell@mac.com
United Kingdom - 19/2/07
My soul
For enough, I will give you 100% access of my soul. No refunds!!!
Knock
e66_knock@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 18/2/07
Get a load off your chest.
For a fee of £10 per hour over the phone, and £5 per hour in person (plus any travel expenses) i will listen, without judgement, to anything you have to say.
I will guarentee complete confidentiality, offer emotional support, and only give advice or express my own opinion if you ask me to do so.
I am a nice person, and a good listener, and i WILL be genuinely interested in what you have to say.
fatmanwobble
fatmanwobble@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/2/07
Immortal soul
Are you a collector of souls? Or do you sometimes feel as if you dont have one at all? For instance, do you work in advertising, or vote conservative?
I will happily sell you my slightly tarnished, but largely innocent soul, to do with as you see fit, for just £45.00 O.N.O
I will sign any document you care to draw up, to make the transfer of ownership official in the eyes of both God, and the law.
fatmanwobble
fatmanwobble@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/2/07
Human Punch-Bag
Beat the shit out of me for money!
For a very reasonable price of just £50 per minute, i will strip to the waist, lie down on the floor, and allow you to beat, punch, kick, stomp, or assualt me in any way you see fit.
I will not attempt to actively defend myself, but i may use my arms to sheild your blows if i begin to lose consciousness, or bleed too heavily.
I am not a massochist. I just need money for crack.
fatmanwobble
fatmanwobble@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 6/2/07
dont be a fool give me all your money !!!!
hi my name is lloyd vincent carruthers and i am a scientist. for $199.95 plus gst i will attempt to kill any cat that you desire with the power of curiosity.
this may include
a) showing the cat pictures of curious people,
b) putting headphones on the cat and playing a looped sequence of the word "curiosity" for 72 hours straight to the music of ,
c) beating the cat senseless with a piece of cardboard with the word "curiosity" on it
d) hiring mimes to perform for the cat ,pretending to be small fat children exploring a cracker factory and both having 10 tonne crackers accidently fall down the back of their pants and blow them up, thus proving that curiosity has the power to kill.
i theorise that after each successive test the cat will become more and more agitated and on completion of the final test will most likely mainline a couple of kilos.
my work is rigorous, so value for money is assured, plus mimes are expensive and nongender specific.
if you are not in need of killing a cat with curiosity then i am quite willing to take payment, fake my own death, and go from town to town sleeping with prostitutes documenting the barometric pressure of each town.
salutations losers, this babys gonna make me rich, giddyup
lloyd vincent carruthers
wembleywest@netscape.net
Australia - 5/2/07
restore your virginity 2.50
write to me stating why you should be entitled to to your virginity back and I will send you a certificate stating that you are a born again virgin; fully aucthenicated by the worshipful company of virgins note: certifcate only valid until the next time you have sexual intercourse
email:Caz.black@blueyonder.co.uk
caroline black
caz.black@blueyonder.co.uk
United Kingdom - 3/2/07
exsorcism
I exorcise from the distance, base only on photography of the person to be exorcised. Contact me on my email address for further details about the price and about my power.
Theophilus
manitusf@yahoo.com
Romania - 2/2/07
Become Enlightened
I have found the secret to enlightenment. I want to share it with you. Find the difference between yourself, and yourself. And yes, there is a difference; enlightenment is knowing the difference. Prices negotiable, your soul is not. I will provide services through online correspondance, or chatting one-on-one if you live in central Pennsylvania, USA. This is not a joke. Would you like to step outside the world with me?
C.Judy
creativeembassy@gmail.com
United States of America - 1/2/07
Eat an orange by proxy
For 50p I will purchase a Fairtrade orange of decent size and eat it. You can only imagine the delicious taste, tangy flavour and luscious aroma of the orange, and I will actually experience it on your behalf, then send you an email explaining how it was and how you should feel about your outsourced citrus fruit.
EXTRA! SPECIAL SERVICE FOR DIABETICS! Yearn to have something sugary from time to time? Pay me £1 and I'll drink a can of Coke, £ and I'll eat a Bounty bar. Hell, I'll eat two. For the diabetic who came too late, for £10 I will make up for all your lost time and eat a bag of pure granulated cane sugar, and send you the empty packet as proof.
Joe Baldwin
joe@joe-baldwin.net
United Kingdom - 25/1/07
I'll buy your child.
Are you poor? Despite your rich culture, strong family values, loving relatives and sense of community are you still lacking fiscal security?
Do you fear for your offspring's future?
Well, worry no longer. For a large amount of press coverage and considerable kudos afforded me by my over-privileged peers I will buy your child from you and claim to be 'saving' his or her life. Despite having enough money to buy your whole village food and shelter for life, not to mention put in place an infrastructure of education and healthcare that could perhaps make a real difference I shall endeavour to focus solely on your child and create an accessory of him/her. Forget the fact that the reason you and your people are so very poor is because there are so many of us multi-millionaires in the world and that the 'American dream' seems to be less concerned with the achievement of personal goals or the realisation of worthy ambitions and more to do with the acquisition of wealth in an ever more feverishly controlled battle of one-upmanship bound up in fear and isolationist tactics and instead think of what it will be like in ten years when you next see yo! ur child. They will have completely forgotten all about you, your culture and your familial bond. They will be calling me 'Mom', possibly be in therapy after the messy, lengthy divorce, hooked on anti-depressants, have a misguided idea of what 'Africa' is and instead use the affected posturing and ersatz lingo of the 'hood' in a conceited attempt to discover the idea of ethnicity forced upon them by myself and my team of ethno-gender based life gurus.
If you want a better life for your son (and by 'better' I mean my own personal definition of the word which uses the idea that accumulated wealth and a mendacious lifestyle that not only contribute to world poverty but are much concealed factors that are increasing the ever-widening gap between the two extremes of economic power and do nothing to stop the ever fame hungry western world from realising it is built upon duplicity and blind consumption, is 'better' than a life of simplicity that could be made much more comfortable if I didn't exist) then contact your local corrupt government now and be prepared to have your five minutes of fame as I hog the limelight, act like I am doing you a favour and treat your child as if I am rescuing them from you personally whilst you sit nervously behind a desk hiding your eyes from camera flashes and watch as your child leaves your side forever.
paul@thedale.com
United Kingdom - 12/1/07
BRAND NEW - FULLY FUNCTIONAL & PACKAGED IDEAS FOR SALE
This in one of a limited number produced by the artist Chris Howell (aka ///rhys isteric). The piece was created by the artist because he felt that the he could not afford to make his grand ideas. So, instead of just letting them lie in books covering dust it was decided that he would sell off his ideas so that maybe others could use them and at least then they would be seen. The artist understands that with this there is indeed a Catch 22. Should he manage to sell his ideas and raise enough money so that he himself can start making the art, will there be anything left for him to make??? And who becomes the author of the idea? These are just some of the questions posed within this work. what is included within the package: 1 fully functioning 100 Watt idea, ready for home, studio or gallery.
1 set of instructions on how to best use the idea which includes background information.
signed and numbered packaging
also included is an additional material which will help hold your new idea in place
the artist also wishes to note that personalised ideas are available upon request, so if you have NO IDEA whatsoever then there is help at hand!!!
EXAMPLE PICTURES CAN BE FORWARDED TO POTENTIAL CONSUMERS. PRODUCTS MAY ALSO APPEAR ON EBAY FOR LIMITED PERIODS. IDEAS MADE TO ORDER. ENQUIRE WITHIN. BULK ORDERS OF IDEAS CAN ALSO BE MADE FOR A COMPANIES CONSUMPTION IF LACKING INSPIRATION ON ALL LEVELS.
///rhys
halfproject@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 7/1/07
Make you feel good
I will come to your home and shower you with admiration and praise. I will be the most obsequies man Friday you have met. I will document my time with you in photographs and create a fan site on the internet all about you! My price is $5000 per week.
Steve
hockney45@hotmail.com
United States of America - 5/1/07
Keep It Real For You--(cost proportional to the reality)
For an extremely affordable fee (not responsible for any legal fees, hospital fees, or any other trauma-induced expenses), I will "keep it real" for you. Services may include:
--Showing up at your wedding to a.)drunkenly and loudly vomit profusely during your wedding ceremony and b.)give an obnoxious and very filthy testimonial to your ability to procure the services of dank and haggard prostitutes while still being engaged to your wife
--Showing up at your parent's fiftieth wedding anniversary to stick my dick in the creamed potatoes
--Showing up at your place of employment to create an embarrassing scene in which I will claim to be the cheap trick you picked up in East London last week, for the purpose of loudly proclaiming that you may have caught some heinous disease from me and "need to get that shit checked out"!!
--Call your wife/girlfriend/mistress up and impersonate an officer of the law, to inform her that you have been arrested for raping the holy hell out of a pet monkey, a garden snake, and possibly your gardener's watering can
**I could go on, but you get the idea. I reserve the right to improvise while performing each service.
Looking forward to working with you!!
Penrod
gideonsword@msn.com
United States of America - 4/1/07
We're all in this together
Much to the surprise and dismay of the faux capitalism-hating douchebags who consistently knock the USA for behavior that they themselves are just as culpable for, I am will for FREE to place a mirror facing in the direction of any self-righteous insulter that wants to continue to denounce the US without examining their own actions first. Consider the irony of typing away on a computer which was likely manufactured by some underpaid third world laborer while you wear your Doc Maartens (same)and whine about how the fucking world mess is all the US's fault, as if Canada and the UK have nothing to do with it.
Rebuttal
hooha@UKnot.com
United States of America - 1/1/07
Meaning of Life
For £100 I will tell you the meaning of life, in one sentence. No religion, no worship, nothing you have to do out of the ordinary. Just give me £100 and I will give you the answer everyone has apparently been searching for. I found it the easy way, now so can you.
andy
andyrussell2001@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/1/07
My name is Frank. I'm an asshole. Join me.
NOT AN ALCOHOLIC OR A DRUGGY BUT CAN'T FUNCTION WELL? YOU MAY JUST BE AN ASSHOLE! NOW, A 12 step program for the rest of us! Assholes Anonymous! Start a chapter! Write the handbook! Entire program IDEA FOR SALE! Cheap!
BE A RECOVERING ASSHOLE! AVAILABLE TODAY (13 DECEMBER 2006) FOR ONLY $1,000.OO DOLLARS. PRICE DOUBLES EVERY DAY THEREAFTER. ACT NOW YOU ASSHOLE.
frank, ernest
azzholes.anonymous@gmail.com
United States of America - 13/12/06
human remote controller
for £10 an hour,i will change the channel,increase or decrease the volume,switch on or off the tv and generally be a remote control!dvd players/hi-fi's at extra cost.please note...commands in foreign languages are not supported by this human remote controller and might result in a thumping!!!
alan harvey
alan_harvey_3@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 8/12/06
All the secrects of the world
For $5.00 (australia) Will share with you 1 secret. Secrets that have been hidden. And kept only by the elite and choosen few. For an extra $50.00 I will tell you what will happen 3 weeks in the futrue of your life.
Hurry and bet the christmas rush.
Neo
gerry1378@yahoo.com.au
Australia - 8/12/06
Escalate your problems
Do you feel your day to day problems are banal, small scale, pathetic even? Do they make your life seem pointless and lacking in direction? For a fee of 30 to 40 pence or the equivalent in milk tokens I will take your problems up a notch or two, give you worries that are worthy of a Jacobean drama
crick crack
crick_crack@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 31/10/06
PAYPAL ME 50P & I WILL BAIL YOU OUT
Paypal me 50P TO letontarafdar@yahoo.co.uk and then email me WITH ALL THE DETAILS OF YOUR TEXT REQUEST and I will text anyone in the UK for you!! I CAN BE ANYONE YOU WANT ME TO BE.
Ideal when you wanna break up with someone or even to get an excuse to leave!!! IE. TOM YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE COME QUICK OR SALLY THANKS FOR THE GREAT NIGHT OUT YOU WAS WONDERFULLY EXPERIENCED OR NO MARGARET I WILL NOT MEET YOU IN THE OFFICE CUPBOARD
THE LIST IS ENDLESS
I will check my mail daily and guarantee a text within 24hrs. I have already been used many times and by people who want to text others anonymously
Lee
letontarafdar@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 22/10/06
Insult
I will call up and insult the person of your chosing until they cry, or hang up, in which case I will cry because I would have failed. I'd like personal backround info on them so I can really hurt them. And if they live in Rome or Los Vegas or Michigan I can insult them in person because with in the next year I will be going to these places. E-Mail me for more info. Starting at $20 U.S.
Jolly Roger
g_stuber80@yahoo.com
United States of America - 30/9/06
I recently became a minster, a real, true to life minster. I take my new job very seriously, and I am a very religous man, but for a small fee I will damn you to hell. This is not a joke, I will put all my religous energy into make sure you will not get into heaven. I need all the money I can get seeing how I dont make much anymore. Name your price (be reasonable), I can take it back later on if you need me to. Other minster services available. Contact me by E-mail.
Rev. Jolly Roger
g_stuber80@yahoo.com
United States of America - 30/9/06
I will be your yesman
Let me know what you want me to agree with you on and I will! Just let me know what it is I don;t care..politics, social observations, ideas, ideals, I don't give a rats ass what it is I am the YESMAN and I will be yours for a humble sum of only $5.00 US I don't know what that is in quid but I am sure it is not much for you rich lads/birds from the UK or wherever else you may be. I am an American and will agree on everything you ask me to agree to, including and especially that George W. Bush is a lying sack of shit. A murdering piece of rat dung with a pecker as small as a vienna sausage!So come on have at it let me know what you want me to agree with. Also I will send you away with a cetificate that states that I the Yesman American agree with what you told me to say, signed and dated with a picture of my ass.
yesman003
yesman003@yahoo.com
United States of America - 28/9/06
Entrepenur
I will vote an all Democrat ticket this November for $500
Andrew
apclypseishere@aol.com
United States of America - 27/9/06
Custom made Limericks - written just for you.
I write limericks and all sorts of rhyme
of such value their simply sublime
so give me a name
I promise not to defame
I'll deliver to you in no time.
Good lymerics are hard to write. Have me compose a lymeric for you or a freind. Makes a perfect birthday or wedding gift. Or just adds that special touch to a greeting card.
Just email me a name, a list of qualities and/or anecdotes. Funny or
serious.
$20 per 5 line limerick. Payable via PayPal before the work is undertaken.
Henry
limericksRus@hotmail.com
Australia - 25/9/06
Give The Dog a Bone
Do you own a dog? For a negotiable fee I can come round and give it a bone.
No time wasters please. Edinburgh area only. No Shihtzu's please.
Toby
tobymalcolm@mac.com
United Kingdom - 25/9/06
HAD A BAD DAY?
Did you have a bad day? Do u feel like u've just had the worst day of your life? For 0$, i will come over and swipe kick you, and when ur on the floor, i will piss on your face and shit in your mouth. This will remind you that your day could of been far worst!! Very popular in Los angeles!!!!
Richard.K
richardbenabou@hotmail.com
United States of America - 25/9/06
Narrow Boat Shifter
Got a narrow boat? Want it shifting? Too busy/lazy/scared to do it yourself? I will shift your boat anywhere on the connected English and Welsh canal network except the tidal Trent. Two years since I last offered my services, so the price has gone up to around 250 quid a week (but I'm flexible).
scorzonera
scorzonera@peacemail.com
United Kingdom - 23/9/06
Stalker
For only £30 an hour I will stalk you and make you feel absolutely loved and adored. I will follow you where ever you go and will stare trhough your window while you sleep. On special occasions you will get stalker gifts from a large box of rose petals topped off with my own blood...to your dogs head in a box. (Additional charges may incur dependsing on size of gift and how often you recieve them. Stalkeree must live within a 20mile radius of my address! Terms and Conditions apply)
Maria O'Neill
jelly_head6190@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 22/9/06
Problem Solver
I will help you figure out any problem you have. Depending on the problem, my rate is on a sliding scale. Email me your problem and I'll email you back an estimated cost for resolving your problem.
C F
cfcushing@cox.net
United States of America - 18/9/06
HELP YOU STOP FUCKING UP!
HEY! You know your fucking up dont you? Well YOU ARE! Do you wanna stop that crap? git your life togather? be a WINNER instead of somebody's "chicken dinner" then e mail me now and STOP FUKING UP AND START MOVING UP!
Price depending on just how bad you have fucked up so far, but a minumum of one dollar foe simple schitt. Free consultation!
MATLOCK
MATLOCK12C@YAHOO.COM
United States of America - 6/9/06
UNIQUE PEN & INK DRAWING
FOR THE SUM OF ONE PRE 1965 SILVER COIN OR DONATION OF 5 DOLLARS, I WILL SEND YOU A ONE OF A KIND PEN & INK DRAWING. I PERSONALY GUARENTEE THAT EACH ONE WILL BE ONE OF A KIND NEVER REPRODUCED IN ANY WAY UNLESS BY YOU. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO OWN A TRUE WORK OF ART. WHEN I AM FAMOUS, YOU WILL MUCH MORE THAN DOUBLE YOUR INVESTMENT. HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO HELP A STARVING ARTIST, AND MAKE A GREAT INVESTMENT FOR THE FUTURE.
MATLOCK
MATLOCK12C@YAHOO.COM
United States of America - 6/9/06
Poem & Karma
For 2 pounds or $5 I will write you a personalized poem that will improve your Karma, not to mention self worth. As a bonus a genuine Newfounland Stamp will be included. Snail mail to POB 2656 St. John's , NL, Canada .A1C 6K1
John Kelland
jkelland@yahoo.com
Canada - 5/9/06
anything
hi.. ever been unable or unwilling to live your dream? fulfill a wish? or explore your deepest desire? on your behalf i am willing to live, fulfill and explore your imagination for you.. all you have to do is cover my expenses.
Your dreams will come true!
matt
muncher@safe-mail.net
United Kingdom - 2/9/06
Make you world famous
For only £50 I will put together a personal website for you and launch it on the web thus guaranteeing you a global audience. You will be responsible for providing content and will get only one pass at it - so don't get carried away. Once your site is online everybody in the world will get to see first hand how wonderful/sad/brilliant/idiotic/friendly/hateful/open-minded/bigoted you really are. Remember though, while pictures are good, the written word is best (though pictures of kittens will always have a profound impact). Incidentally, I don't do hate groups so don't ask. Normal restrictions apply
oohbadboy
onefour69@gmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/9/06
Save Energy Lose Pounds
You all know that losing pounds is hard graft, much sweat and toil and you use up a lot of energy. Well hey - send me your pounds (no more than £10 and no less than £1) using PayPal (energysaveruk@yahoo.co.uk) and I will do all the hard work for you. Yes, I will help you lose pounds instantly and I guarantee to run around like a headless chicken working up a sweat on your behalf. Offer you can't refuse???
Stewart
energysaveruk@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 31/8/06
I find things for people
tell me what your looking for and i'll try to find it for a finders fee.iwnt do anything illeagly. thanks
walt evans
odalton43@aol.com
United States of America - 29/8/06
master
i would do anything for a million pounds
b
bonzo123@weedmail.com
United Kingdom - 28/8/06
Who won the War???
Are you a snotty little Brit, pissed off about your sad plight? Do things such as: watching the lowest scoring sport in history, screwing girls with bad teeth, using stupid words such as "wanker" and "petrol" knowing your country spawned The Spice Girls and Oasis, glorifying another countries music and culture because your own is so lame, eating food that third world countries would reject, and knowing your prime minister is in our back pocket and that we own your shitty little island...piss you off every second of the day?? For no fee I will email you daily with an expansive list of why The United States is far superior to your rainy country, a brief historical outline of how we threw your sad asses out of the country your imperial monarchy colonized, and other fun facts about how you suck.
andrew jackson
jacksond1@hotmail.com
United States of America - 25/8/06
The Photography Game
For 10 U.S. dollars you can play my original photography game. Each week, for ten weeks, you will receive an originally composed macro photo to which you will guess the subject. If you are able to correctly guess the subject of the photo three or more times over the course of ten weeks, you get your money back. A cheap game and a fun challenge.
Scooter
scott_l_brown@yahoo.com
United States of America - 21/8/06
I will exhibit your art for free
Do you want international stardom for your artistic abilities?
Just send me your artwork and I will display them at a bar and a galley in Norway. I will send you a digital picture of your piece of art when it is displayed but will not promise to return the art. When I receice enough art objects I will exhibit in other galleries in Norway and I will keep you informed whith the exhibition.
Please send to:
Dolby
PO Box 526
N-3101 Tonsberg
Norway
Bj¯rn Helge Jahnsen
dolbybar@hotmail.com
Norway - 19/8/06
Music 4 Free
I am an expert at finding music for free on the internet. For a small donation I will endevour to find anything you request, and if I can't I wont expect financial remuniration.
Tom Hamand
thamand@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 15/8/06
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