Unoriginal Original Music from His Sampled Voice Recordings.
Browse and fail to buy unoriginal-original music, comics and art in many styles by several artists from the steam driven www.chaos2order.org.
Jolyon
c2o@dsl.pipex.com
United Kingdom - 4/5/09
Anytime you're feeling unhappy, wanting to change your partner/something in your life. For the nominal fee of £100 a month you can call me night or day and I will convince you that the grass is not always greener on the other side. One off consultations £20
Thinking about leaving your boyfriend/girlfriend ? Got your eye on someone new ? Contemplating a bigger better home ? Wondering about moving to a new location ? Looking in the mirror and wanting a better nose ? Well I'm here to explain to you night or day that the grass isn't always greener. Whatever it is you want to change I'll explain in minute detail that you are much better off as you are. You'll count your lucky stars at just how blessed you already are. Email me now
pollyannagrass@aol.com
from pollyannathegrassisntalwaysgreener.com
Pollyanna
pollyannagrass@aol.com
United Kingdom - 12/4/09
Genuine Scotch Mist
Real and authenticated by a video which is included in the price, of the bagging and sealing of a bag of genuine Scotch mist.
Captured from the banks of the Firth Of Forth, Scotland, under the bridges of the world famous Forth Road Bridge, you too can be the proud owner of the stuff of legends.
£10 plus postage and packing
All enquiries at the email address below.
Gregor
emailgregor@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 11/4/09
CUstome made excuses, plus delivery
Can't be arsed going to work/school/college?
Why not! You deserve a day off!
Just email me the details, and I will call on your behalf as your father/brother/significant other half/doctor, and give a very believable and authentic excuse as to why you won't be in.
£3.50 per excuse (includes detailed email describing how call went)
Email for more details.
Gregor
emailgregor@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 11/4/09
Origami polo shirts.
Fantastic novelty minature origami polo shirts, made from genuine legal tender £5 notes. Photo's available upon request.
£6 inc p+p
Gregor
emailgregor@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 11/4/09
STALKER FOR RENT!
For the reasonable price of €25 a per mile (for vacations travel expences required) I will stalk you from your house to the supermarket, from school to work, where ever you go I will be following you in the shaddows and watch you sleep, it will cost extra if you desire physical attacks, breaking and entering and cutting locks of hair while you sleep, constantly ringing you up and breathing in the phone and saying creepy things ONLY €5 extra! hurry quickly cause this is a limited time offer! my services are very desired!
That guy you see on the street
nits112@hotmail,com
Ireland - 21/3/09
Open a new Microsoft
Send me money and I'll open a new company to beat the crap out of Microsoft!
Give me as much money as you wish, that will help me to create a company strong enough to make Microsoft die at my feet! Then I'll knock on your door and give you the money you gave me (if I still have the money, of course)!
just pay me through paypal if you wish to be part of this evil plan pmp.proenca@gmail.com
Dimitry
p.o.r.r.a.2@hotmail.com
Portugal - 20/3/09
selling two very old oil paintings
I have two very old oil paintings done on mahoganey bevelled wood panels. they are unsigned and not dated.
I will send photos, highest cash bidder might get them.
zoltan
zoltan8@yahoo.com
Ecuador - 20/3/09
NOTHING
Ever wanted NOTHING???
Well I have nothing to give you and am very experienced in doing nothing, making nothing, selling nothing and thinking nothing.
For just £10, you can receive nothing or have me send you nothing - I can produce nothing for you for as long as you want it or, if you prefer, I can give nothing to someone else.
This is NOT a special offer.
I will happily produce the same quanities of nothing for anyone at any time.
Best regards
M
Meik
xrid4me@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 12/3/09
bycicle STEMLOCK
I developed a mechanical lock for bycicles, motors,cars, etc...
the lock is incorporated in the STEM of the vehicle and can be placed on existing bikes as well as on new one directly from the bikefactory!
THIS INVENTION IS FOR SALE !
if someone is seriously interested,having the financial capacity and the productivity to put this on the WORLDMARKET, this person can contact me.
PLEASE DON'T MAKE A CONTACT WITHOUT HAVING THE WRIGHT SKILS AND CAPACITIES!
(there are billions of bikes througout the world!!!)
greatings
jozef
jozef wouters
josje.wouters@skynet.be
Belgium - 11/3/09
slave for a day
i'll be your personal slave anything you want i'll do anything! For a low price of $500 a day.
curt
hookup_31369@hotmail.com
Canada - 5/2/09
Tattoo Design
Thinking of getting a Tattoo? But not to sure what you would like? Then I would love to help you. Send me some pieces and I will design a totally unique piece for you and only you. I am currently working for a tattooist and love doing what I do. Prices vary on size a detail but they are very competitive.
Mike Marsh
mikemarsh2006@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 22/1/09
For Sale: Indomitable willpower and singular strength of body and soul
Will do tasks normally considered impossible by lesser men. I will undertake your promethean tasks simply for the satisfaction of having accomplished a mighty feat. Need a mountain moved? I'm your man. Need a bear killed with a pocket knife? My blade shall show it no mercy. I will do anything from hunt the white stag to incite a riot.
While I am not in short supply of valour and youthful vigour I AM short on funds, so you the customer must foot any costs that come up. Ex. I will expect to be reimbursed for any arrows lost while hunting the white stag.
Ben
benkrawec@gmail.com
Canada - 16/1/09
Feeling depressed?
Call me at 1 613 818 0735 and I will tell you a funny story.
Ben
benkrawec@gmail.com
Canada - 16/1/09
Kill you in a comic
I write a comicbook called TANK GIRL. For ONE THOUSAND POUNDS, you can have yourself featured in an eight-page story in the next Tank Girl mini-series, where you will be hunted down, tortured and killed in a most extreme and unbalanced manner.
Alan
alan@tank-girl.com
United Kingdom - 12/1/09
3d plastic mat
3D super quality plastic mats designed with Maldivian under water scenes. Its really interesting.
Mohamed
wadde_sh@yahoo.com
Maldives - 25/12/08
Nothing
In aid of my 'Curious Search for Nothing' for £1 i will do nothing. There will be no evidence of me doing nothing, as that constitutes as something.
For your £1 you will get nothing.
Tom Pope
curious_search_for_nothing@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 20/12/08
End the Economic Crisis
Send me whatever amount of money you have and I will spend it. This will stimulate the economy and get businesses back on their feet. How am I qualified you ask...well I'm american, and being american you can be sure i will spend every penny i have.
Dan
wowee@cox.net
United States of America - 11/12/08
Professional wake/funeral guest
Ever ponder over what legacy you will leave in your wake? I can ensure you will have people talking long after they dispose of you corpse...
You want people to remember you as a sophisticated philanthropist? I will stage speakers from ivy league universities, choirs of small inner city children, a monument to be constructed with your bust... That's just a glimpse of my abilities.
Want to be heralded as a lady killer? I will have 40 models fight over your ashes in a wake turned 40-woman lingirie royal rumble.
The possiblities are endless.
After a free consultation we can set your custom tailored legacy in motion.
My retainer fee is $99.99, but your legacy is priceless...
Picture this wake... I walk to the open casket, your whole family present, punch your dead corpse right in the mouth and say "I'm glad your dead you fuck"... It would blow peoples minds!
SYN
synguyen33@yahoo.com
United States of America - 30/11/08
Does your bum look big in that?
Feel free to take pictures of your rump in that new skirt you're not sure about and I'll email back letting you know truthfully if it makes your ass look fat.
Michael Quinn
say.hi.to.michael.quinn@gmail.com
United Kingdom - 27/10/08
spelling, grammar and plagiarism
For a flat rate of £55 I will take any article that you cut and paste off the internet and add an appropriate amount of grammatical and spelling errors so that the work can be claimed as your own.
If you need me to copy the article from a book (ie type it all) then I will charge £245 on top.
Tubeway Andy
tubeway_andy@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 26/10/08
Commiseration
Do you have simple tasks or household chores that you just cant be arsed doing. Have you been putting off doing them for months and now they weigh on your conscience every time you think about them.
Do you leave the house under a cloud of regret and failed aspirations due to you're inability to get even these fucking simple things done.
If you need to share your woes with another human being I will commiserate with you for an hourly fee of $150.
L Bloom
lochlanb5@gmail.com
United Kingdom - 18/10/08
I would like to produce a really lovely website for your business or association.
I'd like to limit this offer to five pages of highly professional website design and implementation - €400, thats euro by the way. I like a challenge. I like to do one free website a year, for a worthy or genuine cause/band/association/charity/person etc...
backyardwebdesign
backyardwebdesign@gmail.com
Ireland - 13/10/08
Anything with my teeth!
I will do anything you like my old teeth. I had two out a while back and they just sit in a bag. You can have them, I can keep them, I can make something with them or even just throw them away. For £5 I will provide photographic keepsakes of whatever you want me to do with them.
America we can negotiate!
Steven
steven478970@aol.com
United Kingdom - 10/10/08
Bender to end all benders!!!
Sick of being a binge drinker, i will escort you on the bender of all benders and provide the locals and scenery for your bender, and when your done i will provide an accurate report of your pissy actions, to your mom.
Tank
Deepcmonkey@gmail.com
Australia - 9/10/08
Push My Bike!!
My Vespa is constantly breaking down. I can often be seen pushing it around when it decides to expire and I am becoming a bit of celeb around these parts of the world. For a one off fee of £5 pounds I am willing to contact at any time so you too can enjoy the pain and happiness of lugging my bike around town. Think of the conversations you will have. Its Great!! Available 24hrs a day. Not usually when its cold or raining. Sorry
steven
steven478970@aol.com
United Kingdom - 9/10/08
Mustache Rides
Buy one for $6.00 and get 5 free....
v.g. bond
v.g.bond@hotmail.com
United States of America - 6/10/08
Hired pencil
For a fee of £5 per sentence, £17 per paragraph, £23 per page or £40 per chapter, I will write a rambling, yet entertaining, piece of prose, some of which may be true and some will be clearly embellished, elaborated, exaggerated and even fabricated.
If you are interested, this offer is available in a limited edition of 500.
charlie
charlieheggarty
United Kingdom - 5/10/08
You Can Stay in Bed
Simply tell me what time you should get up in the morning/evening/night - and I'll do it for you - there's no point in both of us suffering.
Simply snooze away while i get up on your behalf. When late you can simply say 'Well, I was up at 4.30, I don't know what happened'
A fiver a pop.
Paul Edwards
paul.edwards@emap.com
United Kingdom - 2/10/08
Feel better about yourself now!
Feelin under the weather or a bit run down as of late? I have the solution for you. For only twenty bucks a month you can give me a call anytime you feel blue and I will tell you whats goin on in my life. I guarentee that when you hear what I'm up to any problem you have will seem laughable.
Kevin
wagskevin@yahoo.com
United States of America - 30/9/08
Speeches Do find it hard enough to string a coherent sentence together never mind write a speech?
Have a Important function or role to play at a friends wedding or other event and you have not got a clue what to say? I will write one for a small fee I can make it funny, sad, or sincere. Get in touch for any occasion.
Writting Wizz
mikemarsh2006@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 17/9/08
Professional book reader and film watcher!
Are you tired of reading books or watching films? Don´t you have a time to do it? I can read any beletry book or watch any film you choose and make an extract of it for you only for £20! I can also make school elaborates for extra money.
Ysengrin
una.gato@centrum.cz
Czech Republic - 15/9/08
always on my mind
send me a good qaulity photo of you plus the reasonable sum of £50 and you will be always on my mind.
jason walsh
vacantstatement.jason@yahoo.co.uk
United Kingdom - 9/9/08
do anything
anyone that asks i will send a picture of my self in the smallest mens string bikini you ever seen standing on a crouded beach.
fred-church
thegrafittyartist@hotmail.com
United States of America - 28/8/08
I wish to create a piece of performance art
To be called 'Give Me Ten Million Pounds'. You give me the money- I require the money. With the money, I will be an artwork of normality with wealth forever more. The performance will end as my life does.
P
sandarspaul@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 21/8/08
Interesting thoughtful individual
i enjoy discussing & doing different item's at different time's & location's in difrferent situation's at different time's in my life . I do not Drive a Car currently,I can Drive a Car in the future once my current Doctor give's me the permisstion to Drive once again in my future . My CJ-7 Jeep Wrangler flipped on me in March in 1988 when Jeep was having problem's with Jeep CJ-Wrangler's flipping at that time . I drove a Car in Texas in 1992 . I well become more detailed on my informaation concerning the Driving in better detail in the future .I'am 50 Year's old I live in Carson California .Both my Parent's Died in 2,006 . My Uncle Dennis moved into my Parent's old room . Dennis is a good individual . What we do together we do not have to tell Dennis or Mike .We well keep what we do & discuss between you & I . My Home address is Tim Frisk,Dennis Tucker South Avalon,122,Carson,California,90746 . My room phone number is 1-310-808-0557 . I have a answer machineyou can E-Mail different letter's & picture's & you can call & visit during the Day or Night in the future,Tim,8-21-2,008,Thrusday
Tim Frisk
tfrisk@sbcglobal.net
United Kingdom - 21/8/08
anything
will trade for a tank of gass
lois
primetime1776@aol.com
United States of America - 14/8/08
wingman(for men)
for $299.99 per day, I will follow you around wherever you go, make stuff up about how great you are and discreetly let it slip to the target(woman of your choice). I'll tell her all about your time in the special forces, your former Olympic days, your patents, how your wife was killed by terrorists, the special olympics wrestling team you coached, the time you saved the president, etc, etc.
sean thayer
seanmft@gmail.com
United States of America - 6/8/08
Illustrations for you!
Enquire if you wish to be part of my epic plan to become grotesquely fabulous at illustration. Challenging ideas encouraged. The more difficult, the more I'll learn, and a true master of the force shall I be. Specific prices on email or negotiation, specialise in portraits and goldfish zeppelins. Drawing/Painting available. Examples at http://lexxielizzie.deviantart.com/
Alex Clark
lexxielizzie@hotmail.com
Australia - 5/8/08
Happy Birthday
For a one off payment of £500 I will send you one present each year on your birthday for as long as we both shall live
ben
carliben22@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/8/08
I will write your name in DNA at least a million million times
For £1000 I will have your name "written" in DNA code (name will be spelt in standard ammino acid single letter designation using the appropriate triplet DNA nucleotide codon, sorry no B, O, U, J, Y or Z)I will then clone the piece of DNA coding your name into a vector (circular, replicatable piece of DNA). I will then transform this into harmles bacteria, which are able to mantain the piece of DNA. After screening to check that the bacteria now contains your name the bacteria can be multiplied up to over a million million individual cells all with a piece of DNA coding for your name. If desierd long term stocks of the bacteria can be made.
Dr B Ryall
carliben22@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/8/08
You are not alone in the world
Have you ever looked up into the sky and realised how empty the world is. Well it dosnt have to be. For $5 you can tell me any time of the day and on that moment I promiss to think of you. So you will know that there is someone in the world who does care about you.
sara
comet5745@yahoo.com
United States of America - 31/7/08
Soul: Walk around the World
I offer to walk around the World on the souls of my bare feet. Actual route to be agreed with sponsor and should avoid any danger zones or zones of conflict. On completion of 1 full circuit and submission of supporting evidence, 1million pounds Sterling is to be my fee.
Steve
boydsrus@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 29/7/08
tired of cleaning windows??
for $50 ill come over to your house, apartment or raggidy ass trailor and break every last one of those time consuming dirt magnets. ill kick, punch, throw things, headbutt, and/or shoot said windows and take my patented shatter stick and knock every shard of glass from around the frame leaving nothing but crisp clean air to block your view outside. i do not pick up the removed window pieces from inside and outside your house. contact me now and make an appointment!!
J
theriot5000000@yahoo.com
United States of America - 25/7/08
Feeling depressed?
For $25 I'll beat you with a curtain rod with you tied to an uncomfortable chair in a shitty hotel room in crackville all the while with 2girls1cup playing on a black and white TV on a continuous loop. If that don't cheer you up nothing will. No refunds.
J
theriot5000000@yahoo.com
United States of America - 24/7/08
Whiskey
At the cost of your time and effort in sending me an email; i will get loaded on a friday night and spit off of my balcony into the swimming pool below. I am also willing to shout at people or random inanimate objects if your suggestion amuses me. The next morning i will compose a short statement in regards to what i remember about the event and send it to your email address.
Sam
sam_bbk@hotmail.com
Australia - 19/7/08
Mobile phone text messages
Fancy something new and exciting to brighten you up on dull and the stressful days...Look no further just Txt your mobile phone number to me at no cost and I will Txt you random Messages at various intervals during the day
Contact 07872348022
David Williams
davidjohn_williams@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 15/7/08
I would like for everyone to send me their loose change. Regardless of how little or much it may be.
I want to see how many people would send me their loose change. They can send me anykind of loose actual money. I would like it to come from all over the world to see what the diferent types of money looks like. My address is
Michael Carron
6199 W. Galloway Chapel Rd.
Williamsport, Indiana 47993
I don't not pay any postage.
So please help me out with this endevor.
Michael C
carronmikal@yahoo.com
United States of America - 11/7/08
Free whining!
For the low, low price of absolutely nothing, I will whine at you about how I have no money and no job until you hire me to do something artistic (painting, making stuff, etc) for money.
Steve
jslanasa@mac.com
United States of America - 10/7/08
Flatterer Of The Unflattered
Flattery rarely comes no-strings. Flatterers frequently expect favours returned. So, here, while things are hardly no-strings, at least said strings are blatant. If you, or your friends, feel unflattered, simply get in touch, set negotiations in motion and for a nominal fee I will flatter any recipient via email or online instant messenger. Currently, face-to-face flattery is unavailable but if this pilot project proves succesful, said service could be forthcoming. Please contact me with specifics as you're all fantastic people (that first flatter is supplied fee free).
Steve
stevelee101@hotmail.co.uk
United Kingdom - 30/6/08
The most professional origami crane ever
Have you ever wondered why you're such an asshole?
Maybe it's because of your pms... Maybe you're just a bitch...
Or, maybe it's because YOU don;t have an origami crane.
That's right. For only $200 USD, I will fold you the best fuckin origami crane that you're never going to see.
It will sit on my windowsill and the souls of the departed will send good luck towards your general direction.
a douchebag
super-b-douche@gmail.com
Virgin Islands (USA) - 13/6/08
Your personal manager
For a mere 800,00 Euro's per week i will be your personal manager. Youz will feel like an absolute superstar. (Additional costs like traveling, outfitting, staus-symbols not included) I will help you organise your life, record a record or film with you, get you on TV and radio, get you entrance to VIP-events, make you famous if you have the funds to pay for me and the expenses! You will progress to be a star in whatever field you want. I am experienced and have over 25 years of knowledge in managing. Only serious replies please. Please understand that a project like making you famous can take up to one year; once you are famous, my compensation can be easily payed from your (then) huge income. I will also get a 10% share of your earnings. What a deal! Serious enquiries only.
DK
more-media@arcor.de
Czech Republic - 11/6/08
PRAYERS
Send your prayers.
Charles
chasrtay@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 10/6/08
Use My Fertility For Your Own Benefit!
Unable to have kids? Maybe you have a uterus problem, or maybe you're a boy. Well, whatever the case, for a mere $14.00 Canadian, I will personally make a baby for you and mail it over. You pay the shipping costs. I'm not responsible for any injuries to the child.
Also, if the baby turns out to be a rotten little brat, deal with it, I'm not taking it back.
Natty
cornflakes@hotmail.com
Canada - 8/6/08
need prayer?
for a mear $15.oo USD, i will pray for who ever you want for whatever reason.
If interested send me an email explaining what you need.
brokenhopeproductions@yahoo.com
Sam
brokenhopeproductions@yahoo.com
United States of America - 6/6/08
Bad Advice
If you need to ruin your life I will personally give you any bad advice at anytime of day, for example what to say to your boss if your pissed off at him or to show your anger at your girl friend if you want to break up with her. so email me and depending on teh situation reaching from 10 usd to 50 usd I will give you bad advice
Alex
partysonic@hotmail.com
United States of America - 21/5/08
Pretend to be your Gf
Will pretend to be your girlfriend send you photos write you letters anything that is not gay for $20 a week
Lisa
methchick@hotmail.com
United States of America - 2/5/08
The first person to reply to this advert will receive a free ticket to a gig.
W/ yours truly.
J
wetkipper@gmx.co.uk
United Kingdom - 2/5/08
Zeitgeist Australis Carbon Based Parity Checker
Is your target market an Australian audience? Yes? WOW! We can help YOU!
Don't just add a Koala Bear or mere passing reference to outback barbecues and thongs, lowest common denominator culture will swallow so much more!
Don't come off as mooching off stereotypes, we will check your copy for lame "Aussie" references and replace them with deep self-indulgent metaphors.
We will provide this service in return for world peace.
exlex
exlexet@gmailpointcom
Australia - 25/3/08
Great Pacific Reverse Garbage Patch
The North Pacific Subtropical Gyre is a vortex accumulating non-biodegradeable photdegrading plastics and now contains over five times as much garbage as zooplankton.
You may purchase any quantiy of this garbage and we will ship it to your door for environmentaly sound disposal which doen't involve toxic polymers entering the food chain.
Contact us now to add to a trained email inbox and arrance a quote, orders over five tones will recieve a 77% discount.
exlex
exlexet@gmailpointcom
Australia - 25/3/08
T-shirts
I will print anything for you on a quality 100% cotton tee-shirt using only my imagination and water-based inks.
E-mail me with your suggestions.
Marcus Hislop
marcushislop@msn.com
United Kingdom - 24/3/08
Smell like fish be dead tired and broke.
For a small fee of 1 sixpack of beer (must be cold, brand is your choice).
I will get you a job on a longlineing fishing vessel, where u can bust your balls 20 hours a day for 2 weeks.
Ballbuster
deepcmonkey@gmail.com
Australia - 15/3/08
Critical Acclaim
Everyones a critic, and for only $78 I will take a long hard look at your crap artwork, be it painting, photography, performance or the like, and I will give it a shining review. A five star love letter of a rave, gushing with references to other artists that garner far more credibility than you do, I will make your day and you can then tell everyone that your work is "Critically Acclaimed." Satisfaction or your money back.
jonas farr
jonas.farr@yahoo.com
United States of America - 6/3/08
The Sell...
(Knowledge of Itself)
The Sell of knowledge is acquired only by me.. I will tell you what you need to know in life to submit yourself to accomplish anything...
Price Varies on Problems
ratcheezy@yahoo.com
David
ratcheezy@yahoo.com
United States of America - 5/3/08
Free Lessons
This is a global open source project aimed to create a web of teachers who are willing to give lessons for free in any subject the teacher is qualified in. Persons who are interested to teach /their interest for free/ should contact the following email. Peace
electric vibrations
electricvibrations@live.com
Turkey - 1/3/08
Wrestling Superstar
Ever want to be a professional wrestler? Dream of walking into a packed arena to the sound of your very own theme song? Wish you could experience the rush of fans screaming your name every time you walk into a room? Well now you can! For the minimal fee of $200 USD I will accompany you on your daily routine and announce your presence while playing your chosen theme music before you enter any room. For an extra $50 USD I will also produce a custom* theme song to match your chosen wrestling persona (* note custom theme song limited to tracks 1-17 on The Chipmunks Greatest Christmas Hits album).
$200 fee includes Presenter with boom box, glittery sport coat, ray ban sunglasses, megaphone and slick back hair. Cardboard signs proclaiming your dominance or hatred to be passed out to patrons before your arrival in each room. Additional services include midget sidekick, Roman candle pyrotechnics, LED flashlight light show, and lit cigarette fog machine.
Rob
Machoman@yahoo.com
United States of America - 25/2/08
Homemade Products.
If you love things that are homemade and have that personal touch, I may be able to help you. I am experienced in making everyday things myself, from materials found lying around the home.
If your tastes are conventional, I could make you some homemade sweets.
Perhaps you like customised clothes, so I could make you some new personal attire.
Maybe you want something homemade that you never thought was possible.
E-mail me with details of what you desire and i can make you something beautiful yet practical*
Prices are negotiable and reasonable according to product.
*Homemade Products can only be practical as long as nothing electrical or mechanical is needed to work.
HomelyJo
itsnotrocketsurgery@hotmail.co.uk
United Kingdom - 3/2/08
Sick of people who won't go away.
Are you sick of people not going away at the end of your party? at you bar after closing time? or just want you neighbours to move. Hire Blame Coca Cola, we are the best at making people to leave. We have never had a public that stand watching us till the end of the show. We will come down for gas money and beer!
Blame Coca Cola
blamecocacola@gmail.com
Netherlands - 25/1/08
Help you fake your death
Sick of your life? Sick of your friends/debts/job/family? Want a brand new start somewhere else?
For the low price of 20,000 Euros I will help you fake your death, any way you want. Scuba diving accident, hobo-stabbing accident, car accident, choking on a pretzel.
I will even marry you beforehand and collect on your life insurance money afterwards, as long as I get to keep 25% of the money.
Mk
MKL2718@gmail.com
France - 8/1/08
Create premier movie actor trivia game
Help me create the board game version of "Wolfman's: Name that Flick!", the premier movie actor trivia game. Think you are a "movie buff" or movie expert? Try my game.
Ex/ What movie has Alyssa Milano and Arnold Schwartzenegger?
Check out/Go to "Wolfman's Name that Flick!" at Amazon.com
Edward
ed_robbins@msn.com
United States of America - 7/1/08
Alpha Males Neutered
Management moron making your life hell? Want to squeeze his throat until the shit he calls brains oozes out his ears? Grind his bastard face under your heel like the roach he is? Don't soil your hands! For a mere $10k and expenses one of my nubile daughters can seduce him and lance his ego like the festering boil it is. She will enslave him and render him impotent by constantly comparing him to ex-lovers, and alluding to the striking similarity between his genetalia and that of a hamster. Have a particularly arrogant fuck on your hands? For $50k and other inducements ( to be negotiated privately ) we'll turn them all loose on him at once. He'll wither and die like a snake in a brushfire. This is a surefire system...don't delay...schedules are tight.
livedog
livedogab@yahoo.com
United States of America - 14/12/07
mother my minions
an idea has sparked and some how made it into a recurring dream! this dream has me placed as the head of the worlds governments in a tyrannical sort of position. now fret not young children of the world, for it will not be all doom and gloom, i plan for a harmonious existence for all those who do not appose my rule. as for the infidels, not so much! anyhow, to turn this great dream into a reality, i realized that the only way to really get into this position of power would either be through diplomacy, or revolution! giving it much thought, i've concluded that diplomacy is for jack-offs, so now the only way to revolt against the world is to have my own army. now i can go around enlisting strangers to join up or i can father the army myself! this is where i need your help. the women of the world will need to put their best foot forward (among other parts of the anatomy) for the future of all mankind! in preparation i will need you all to impregnate yourselves with my "DNA" every nine months for the next ten years. that comes to 13.3 children per woman. now i understand that not all of you are going to be interested in bearing my minions, but those that are will be remembered come the turn of power and the non-participants... not so much! i cannot afford to financially support these children so once again i need the women of the world to step up to the call of duty. reparations will be made come the turn of power! at the age of 10 the children will be placed in training camps to be brain washed into believing in my cause and to become ruthless killers who will fight, defend and die for said cause. now it seems some what archaic and barbaric, but just think, the private army of the defender of the universe will be soldiered by those who call you mother! now who couldn't be proud of that? with that said applying for the position for minion bearer is quite simple, e-mail me with a number that you can be reached at and a discussion will take place before a personal meeting. then a physical will be required and if all goes well, a one time fee of $300.00 will be needed for the DNA deposit and we will be in business
crumb
crumbvdub@hotmail.com
United States of America - 1/12/07
I will write you a poem. You chose the topic. $.99
I am a poet who publishes frequently. Google my name for confirmation. If you'd like a poem about something specific--any subject, any theme, about yourself, whatever--just send me an email telling me what you want. You will get a response within 30 minutes from when I read your email. I check daily so your wait should be no more than 24 hours.
ra! gabriel
ragabri@gmail.com
Korea Sout - 29/11/07
Heavy Equipment Operator/
Truck Driver
Any one who needs a few odd jobs done around the ranch or the golf course who is interested in hiring someone to come out and do it for them. Consider givin me a ring. I can run just about anything u can throw at me and sometimes i can fix it too. Landscaping and tree work is not a problem, nor would post hole drillin, fence painting, trenching, ditching, dozing of any kind, residential irrigation,drilling other than water and anything else u might have kickin around for odd jobs. You rent the equipment and or own, and i'll get shit done,quick as possible with no fuck-ups. I will work for equipment or land but other than that i prefer day rate and accomodations provided.How much do i charge per day u ask. Well that all depends on how much fun i have after work. If you the client was a golf course or a hotel resort somewhere incredibly beautiful with tons of women and lots of free alcohol. I would not charge a whole lot of money.But if the opposite were true. U'd be payin out y'er asshole. So there you have it folks that's my 2cents on this amazing awesomely fuckin wackd website you silly fucks got goin on here. p.s and if u're a hot cougar I will work for free
muffinman
rigpigcalgary@yahoo.com
Canada - 26/11/07
An apology to southerners (in USA) for insulting them and offer of repayment
I recently made a comment in front of a large group of people that Southerners were stupid, backward, and ignorant. First off I would like to apologize. Secondly, anyone who would have been offended by that comment is welcome to email me. For each email I receive, I will send $5 to confederateamericanpride dot com. If you have friends or family that you know would be offended as well, feel free to forward this to anyone.
R
apologyforsouth@yahoo.com
United States of America - 21/11/07
MONEY
Im selling any money 1:1 changing rate of any currency!
HENO
henry@boraros.com
United Kingdom - 14/11/07
i dont believe you
I doubt you will, but if you do I'll give another one.
Fun Al
bleedinrory@hotmail.com
Ireland - 13/11/07
glasgowcanvasart
i would sell 40cmx60cm canvasesof portraits of GLASGOW in either black and white or pop art colour
john martin
joogs7@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 12/11/07
Slap The President On Live Television : 10 dollars.
I actually would slap the dog shit eating grin off of his retarded monkey face for free. But I guess 10 bucks is a fair price.
joe jacksonite
joejacksonite@gmail.com
United States of America - 10/11/07
Psychokinetic Kinesiology
I am available for two hours each Thursday and Friday to deliver this healing service by prior appointment to my clients. Contact me by email, detailing your symptoms and needs, to arrange an appointment. Experience life-changing healing in the comfort of your own home,with confidentiality and discretion guaranteed. Charges very reasonable, from €50 per one-hour session. Treatment is entirely telekinetic, but email/chat must be available during session.
Honora Waterman
mtukufu@mail2web.com
Ireland - 7/11/07
ancillary information matrix
you've heard of external hard drives. well, what about an external soft drive? i'll feel frustrated, sad, crabby, horny, tweeked, adumbrated, Napoleaned, inadequate, consternated, perforated, re-educated, somnolent, diploidic, et cetera, FOR YOU! tired of those vacillating e-motions? well, i've got the ultimate e-solution.
one-day rate: $100.00 (why not, it's a good round number)
one-week rate: original oil painting of concept "desire"
one-month rate: a trained office monkey
one-year rate: priceless
superme
fox_gjuunf@trashmail.net
United States of America - 7/11/07
Touch
I will touch you, no questions asked.
calcium
calcium@hotmail.co.uk
United Kingdom - 7/11/07
Sustain your hammer.
I will help maintain the good looks of your hammer, for a small fee. The flow of kinetic energy in your force amplifier will not be altered in any way.
This service is particularly useful for those seeking to destroy forensic evidence.
Alex
agentgypo@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 1/11/07
BEER TESTING
Unsure if you're beer has been spiked by russian agents or that guy over there with his hands in his pockets well I'm your man. Send it here and you won't DIE.
Tom
bugs.duggan@hotmail.co.uk
United Kingdom - 24/10/07
ANNOYING PHONE CALLS ................................ completeley free
all i do all day is phone random numbers and offer them mobile phone up-grades.... the funny thing is i don't even work, i'm on benefit. So for the price of an enemies mobile phone number i will ring them every five minutes, put on an unconvincing accent and offer them something they don't want.. AND if they're a real cock i'll just ring up and put them on hold. enjoy they're frustration.
telemarkettingknob
telemarketingknob@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 11/10/07
NARROW BOAT SHIFTER - UPDATE
Want to move your canal boat but too busy, idle or scared to do it yourself? I'll shift it from anywhere to anywhere on the English/Welsh canals, excluding the tidal Trent. Let's say, what? Three hundred quid for a weeks work? Available from Christmas. Or thereabouts.
(Update due to change of email address and I was undercharging - still no takers though)
scorzonera
scorzonera@peacemail.com
United Kingdom - 4/10/07
Looming Essay
More concerned with partying than writing that looming essay? Nothing new there...
However, are you so dedicated to the art of partying that you don't even have the time to plagiarise an essay, cut'n'pasted from the internet, like everyone else does?
Well, for a mere £5 per 100 words, I will cut'n'paste some truly third-rate academic ramblings on your behalf, including some grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, just to make it authentic.
Any subject undertaken.
samuel m cooper
samcooper1111@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 2/10/07
Assassin
I commit murders. The price depends on the person
Jason
apeirongr@yahoo.com
United Kingdom - 1/10/07
Whores will play for all you whores!
Let us know if you need a loud rock band for your next wedding, sleep over, house party, desert part, on West Coast.
Whores will play for beer and pretzels!
WhoresOfTijuana
mixleplix1@yahoo.com
United States of America - 28/9/07
Get Nekkid
Ever feel like there's not enough nudity in the world? For $10 USD per month I will sit around my apartment naked as a blue-jay. Scratching extra as required.
Jared
jarednance2000@yahoo.com
United States of America - 28/9/07
Bake
I will bake you a cake for a mere 35USD and cookies for 18USD. I've taken a professional cake decorating course and love to bake. You can get a decorated one with roses and everything, or you can get a more homemade one. I make all different types, so I can probably rustle up whatever you want! I also make to die for mocha chocolate chip cookies (nuts optional).
I am unsure of the laws for sending baked goods internationally. If you want it, research it and add 8USD to your order.
For 400USD and plane fare + accommodations (hotel,motel,b&b - not your house) I will show up and show you how to make the above.
YOUR goodies
ma.putain@gmail.com
United States of America - 25/9/07
rodnreal
I will SEXUALLY satisfy interested women in my area liberty mo. 64068 with my 5'6'' blond haired blue eyed muscular tanned body. WOMEN LOOK AND HONK AT ME ALOT. 75 ROSES
rodnreal47
rodnreal47@wmconnect.com
United States of America - 24/9/07
Badger Beating
Are you tired of those GOD DAMN pesky rodents we call BADGERS? Well i'll kill em for you
Optimus Prime
coreyisgay@hotmail.com
United Kingdom - 24/9/07
Terror
For just $16 I will tip off the appropriate government agency about your connection to Al Qaida. Guaranteed inclusion for you to at least 9 government watch lists. For an extra $3 I can arrange for a trip for two to the U.S. Detention Facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. You'll have the time of your life being interrogated, harassed, tortured, and just generally having fun at America's premier resort/gulag.
Tyler
tylermcninch@yahoo.com
United States of America - 24/4/07
Send Australians Back Where They Belong
Why is is that every bar that you go into has an Australian barman? And why do they all tell you that Australia is the most beautiful place in the world? If so, then why don't you fuck off back there and stop fucking annoying me instead of just giving me a pint? There's a reason Australia is so far away, and that's to keep annoying twats like you away from the rest of civilization. Send me $10 per...and I will tell every Australian I ever meet who claims 'It's the most beautiful place in the world' to shove it up their arse and fuck off.
Bob
leccy66@gmail.com
United States of America - 19/4/07
For Free .. A Real Friend .. To care .. to listen to advice
A Real Friend, Muslim one, to listen to you, to care, to advice, to help .
Free of charge, just expecting mutual friendship
God Bless you all
Sarah
sarah.friendly@gmail.com
Egypt - 10/4/07
X
I WILL CHANGE THE WORLD IN EXCHANGE FOR SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT FOR
J.D
birungidavies30@hotail.com
United Kingdom - 10/4/07
I will be your assistant...Artist assistant
I want to travel, and assist an artist with whatever might be needed, setting up shows, taking pictures, fetching random items that might be needed.
I donot want to travel around the US. But wouldnt mind a few places here and there. Preferably out of the states though. The price is travel expenses, food, and some spending money. thats all.
Sinclaire
pat_mcdoog@yahoo.com
United States of America - 4/4/07
Movie Buddy!
Have you ever wanted to go see a movie but did not have any one to go with? If you are sick of looking like a pathetic sap that is always at the movies alone, then my services can help you immensely. I will go the movies with you. You now have someone to cry with, be scared with, and to run off and refill your popcorn. One top of that, you will never look like the wretched loner again. All I am asking is $10 a show plus the cost of popcorn and ticket.
Kristen
tenn isleto87@aol.com
United States of America - 27/3/07
1 dollar a page
For one US dollar, I will send you a random page from the next story/paper I write. It could be about anything or written about any topic. It's a surprise! I promise that if you'll never get the same page twice. For ten dollars you can have the entire story/paper, but I DON'T promise that it'll be ten pages.
Bear
i.discordia@yahoo.com
United States of America - 26/3/07
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